It won't hurt so much always, Anne.

The thought that it may stop hurting sometimes hurts me worse than all else, Marilla.

And that's where I am right now.  Saying goodbye to Jasper has left a hole inside my soul and left me feeling a little (ok, maybe a lot) lost.  Because he was a big part of each day for the last 15 1/2 years, his loss hurts more than any loss I've experienced thus far.  He was not my "dog", he was my child.  I raised him from a tiny baby to an experienced "man" of the world.  I helped him learn right from wrong.  I spent many sleepless nights worrying about him.  I cleaned up after him, nurtured him, laughed with him and shed a few tears over the years.  He made me feel like something I'd never been before - a mom.

So yeah, it hurts.

And yet, like Anne of Green Gables, the thought that one day it won't hurt so much anymore makes me sad.  I know it'll happen but it somehow seems like a betrayal, like I will be forgetting him and happily going on with my life.

Logically I know that I'll never forget Jasper and that it's natural to go on with my life without him.  I'm not really one to wallow around in misery and self-pity so it's not likely that I'd want to be sad for too long anyway but I'm just not there yet.  I'm going to let myself feel what I'm feeling for as long as I need to.  I'm still lost but eventually I'll stumble back onto the right path.  I'm sure of it.

Hello from the Road...

by Jasper Ngo

My name is Jasper Ngo.

I am the Travelin' and Eatin' Dog. Ricky Nelson could have written a song about me.

In my 15.5 years, I have lived in three states (VA, CA and FL) and visited AZ, NM, TX, LO, MS and AL. I have flown across the country. I have taken 6 road trips between CA and FL. I have seen Route 66 and stood on a corner in Winslow, AZ. I went to many beaches, mountains, deserts, countless towns and cities. I traveled so much, I had my own suitcase. I got really excited when it came out because it meant Adventure Time was here. My favorite beach is Carmel Beach where I can run. My favorite town is, of course, Carmel-by-the-sea and eating at the Tuck Box or The Forge in the Forest or Casanova or getting a drink from a silver bucket at Porta Bella. It was also a lot of fun spending a weekend at the Happy Landing Inn or having Afternoon Tea at the Cypress Inn. Although I liked Carmel, going on long weekends to San Simeon, having lunch at the Main Street Grill with my Mommy and Daddy gave me lots of fun memories. The irony in my life was, I lived by the sea but I was not fond of the water or the swimming pool. I have been to Yosemite Park and walked up to Bridal Veil Falls under the admiring eyes of the many tourists. My favorite desert is the Mojave desert, where I stood facing into the cool desert wind inhaling all the sweeping scents as if I was reading a doggy world newspaper.

Since I never bark, I have successfully sneaked in and out of many motels but never made a single mistake in them!

I am pretty sure, I have seen more places and traveled more than some people.

As for food, I have snacked (now a verb) my way through life. I have loved eating with my family even though I am sure that, at times, they would have preferred not to share their food. I became a Master at "Sad Eyes" when it came to food. Just to let you know, the family phrase "Daddy does not share food!" did not apply to me, that's how good I was. Since I was never quite sure if it was easier with Mommy or Daddy, I got food from both!

My favorite foods? Pizza, Cheerios, Hot Dogs (National Hebrew), Marshmallows, Daddy's Special BBQ Ribs, Lucky Dog Bakery Cookies and the occasional popcorn.

I have indulged my Mommy with her hat fetish. So many embarrassing pictures of me in hats for various occasions. One of the best is winning a trophy in the very First Reindoggy Parade held in Carmel in Dec 2005. At least in that contest, Mommy and Daddy had to wear silly hats as well.

Let's not forget that I am famous. I was featured in the Carmel Pine Cone newspaper in October 2008! I was "interviewed" for the Sandy Claws column by Margot Nichols after my Mommy figured out who we needed to meet to get interviewed!

So you see, I have led a life full of love and fun adventures. I made a lot of memories with my little family.

Alas, all things do come to a close, always too early, even after many years of a good life. I am thankful to have had a wonderful, happy, long healthy life with my Mommy and Daddy. Together, we grew, we walked, we played ball, we played the "slippers" game, we went to work together, we went for car rides, we traveled, we ate good food, we laughed, we explored, we had fun quiet times and most importantly we LOVE each other. Together, I was never afraid of Life and learned that Adventure is out there. They were my little family and I was their World. For over 15 years life was a wonderful adventure, now it is time for them to have their own adventures and me to have mine... It will be very hard but they gave me the courage to do so, I will always carry their love and a part of them in my heart where ever I go... I know they will do the same.

With unending love for my Mommy and Daddy and until we meet again.

Jasper

into the pool

time for a swim!

fog

so glad we sprung for the oceanfront room. ;~)

still beautiful, though

My weekend

My favorite Christmas present

After this past week there's no doubt what my favorite Christmas present will be - good health for those that I love. I've never really taken it for granted, I've always known it's a blessing, but it's especially precious these days.

T was taken to the hospital last Monday with internal bleeding. There were a few scary moments that night, at home and in the ER, when I wondered about the future. Those are images that will be seared into my brain forever.

After numerous tests and many days he was finally allowed home. The bleeding has stopped and might never return. But once home things didn't return to normal because of his low blood count. We were informed that if bleeding returned he would need to get to the ER immediately for a transfusion or else. Plus, because of the anemia he was very weak so he spent several days just sleeping. Yesterday was the first day that even approached normal but even so, he hasn't been out of the house in days and that probably won't change through the holidays. Needless to say, our cross-country driving trip to Florida was canceled.

The good news that came out of all this was that we now know he has a clean bill of health for other things. His family cancer history had concerned us in other areas and the tests they ran for this bleeding helped ease our minds.

T's health isn't the only thing I'm giving thanks for this Christmas. There's another member of our family that has worried me this past year - my baby Jasper. This time last year he was in a bad way. He'd been getting older and weaker, not able to jump up on furniture, etc. Then we went away for several days last December and things got really bad. He didn't eat and barely drank while we were gone so that by the time we got home, he was practically a skeleton and couldn't get up from the floor without assistance. We had to carpet almost our entire kitchen area because he couldn't walk on the bare floor without falling. He was almost 13 and I was really worried that we would be saying goodbye to him soon.

With love, patience, care and lots of food, I am happy to report that (almost) 14 year old Jasper is doing great. He built his strength back up, regained the full use of his legs and is now jumping on the couch at every opportunity. He's found his joy again and acts like a puppy. We've learned that we can't be gone for long periods anymore (hence the cross-country driving trip to Florida so that he could come along and we could be gone for over 2 weeks) and we've found a type of food that he loves so much, he'll even eat it when we're gone so we never have to worry about him getting too thin.

We were recently able to travel with him, the picture above was taken during a trip to Yosemite in October. He had a great time on the trip, he was even able to hike up a fairly steep hill to see Bridalveil Falls. He was quite a hit with the other hikers and it was fun to see all that beauty with our best friend walking right beside us.

As for me, I'm doing well. I am very tired, a week of stress, worry and little sleep will do that to you but my job is quiet these days so I'm getting my rest at work. I still worry, things definitely aren't back to normal but I can see improvement and that's enough for now.

So I have a lot to be thankful for this Christmas and believe me, I am.

Charlton's Coffeehouse

the most important reconstruction on Colonial Williamsburg's Duke of Gloucester Street in half a century and it opened on my birthday...cool.