the key

To anybody else, it's just a key, nothing special. I have plenty of house keys so the one up there could easily be replaced. So why did I just about have a breakdown when I realized I'd lost it on Monday?

Because that's the key that Taz used every single morning for 2 1/2 years when he took Charlie for a long walk before work. It started because I had to leave for work so damned early and he left later so he took Charlie out for her last walk before she was left at home for the entire day. He loved going on that walk with her, I think they spent the time wrestling with the problems of the world. He even kept doing it after I got my new job last year and didn't have to leave so early.

He attached one of our spare keys to a blue cord so that he could wear it around his neck and not have to worry about losing it out of his pocket.

So Monday night, when it was time to take Charlie for her last walk of the day, I went to look for the key in its regular spot and freaked out when I couldn't find it. How could I have lost Taz's special key?

I looked all over the house, even in the freezer just in case I had a blonde Jonni moment. Hey, it's happened before.

Nothing. I couldn't find it anywhere, not in the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen or car. So I started going back over my day to figure out where I might have lost it.

I finally came to the conclusion that I had accidentally left it in my pocket rather than putting it back on the front table where it always is. So when I went out to the store and gas station, it must have slipped out of my pocket. I tried to call the store but nobody answered so I determined that I would drive there the next day.

I went to sleep sick to my stomach, thinking that I may never see Taz's key again.

Now, I know it's kind of silly to care so much about a key. It's not like it's a magic key and that if I find it again I'll also find Taz. And it's not like losing it is going to change ANYTHING about my situation. It's just a key. I do know that.

But I still cried over losing it. I couldn't help myself.

The next day it was raining and storming too much to make the trip to find the key and I resigned myself to the fact that it was lost forever.

Resigning myself to something is rarely the end of things for me so I un-resigned myself today and decided I couldn't rest unless I'd checked everywhere. I drove out to the store after work and tried the gas station first. I really didn't expect that anybody would have turned in a little key on a string so to be truthful, I didn't expect to find the key BUT I walked in, asked the girl behind the counter and watched in amazement as she pulled Taz's key out from a box under the counter. She had a weird look on her face, like she couldn't believe anybody was actually asking about that key. I wonder how long they would have kept it before deciding to throw it out.

I swear, I felt like I was going to faint, I went all cold and clammy, because I couldn't believe I'd really found it. I had a huge smile on my face and I might have shed a few happy tears once I got out to the car.

I know, in the grand scheme of things, this is a really small thing. My life would have gone on just fine if the key was really gone forever and finding it didn't solve any of my problems but having it again makes me happier than I've been in a long time. I don't know why, I just know it does. 

At this point, I guess I'll take any little victory I can get.

anniversaries and birthdays and changes

One year ago today I started a new job.

I had been unhappy in the job I'd had since moving to Florida and Taz was finally in a great place so he encouraged me to find something I really loved...and that's what I did. From the first moment there I knew I'd landed in a really great place. A year later, I still feel that way. My first six months were normal and I was just happy finding a place where I felt respected, The past six months have been anything but normal as I have navigated my new world but my co-workers and supervisors have been wonderful and supportive and it's been the best place I could possibly have been during this time.

So happy workiversary to me!

This was us almost a year ago on Taz's birthday. We were spending the weekend at the beach and Taz had fallen asleep so I thought it would be funny to take a picture. It turned out to be the only picture I got from that weekend. Of course I wish I could go back and live in that moment, both of us happy and healthy.

So now Taz's birthday is coming up again and I've said before that I will not sit around by myself at home so I'm gathering all my adventure buddies and Charlie and I will be hitting the road in search of ...well, I'm not exactly sure what we'll be in search of but we'll keep looking until we find it. I am really not looking forward to getting through this. Not only is it his birthday but it's also the 6 month anniversary of his death and I honestly have no idea how I'll react. I hope I surprise myself.

No matter what, I won't have much time to brood because very soon my life completely changes . I have rented out my guest room to a temporary roommate. It's a stranger (that I actually met through the Internet) and we all know how much I love hanging out with strangers, and she will be here for a month working for Disney. The extra money will help with some repairs that need to be done around the place as well as some extra expenses that have popped up this month. Actually, I think the money is all spent before I even have it so I'll probably be looking for another stranger once this one leaves whether I like the experience or not. Hopefully it won't be too weird having someone else in the house.

I lived in a few roommate situations before I got married (all strangers) and none of them were good so I approach this with trepidation. I wish I didn't, but I do.

As I was getting the room ready, I wondered what Taz would think of all this. First of all, I know he'd hate it. He'd hate the fact that I have to do all this just to survive and he'd feel that he'd failed at his one job. But after he got over that (if he could, getting over things was NOT his superpower, LOL) I think he would be proud of me for doing what needs to be done, adapting to my new reality, not letting all this defeat me.

I hope I'm making him proud.

family

Did you miss me? I've been away a few days because I had family visiting for the weekend plus I was dealing with a few difficult family issues (unrelated to the visit or the people visiting) on Friday so my weekend was busy.

I woke up Friday morning dreading having to deal with legal issues concerning my mother but it wasn't as difficult as I had expected so I'm thankful for that. Soon enough I was heading home looking forward to a fun visit from my brother-in-law and his daughter. She is technically my niece but we grew up together so she's really my little sister and will be referred to in that way from now on.

I always enjoy spending time with them and this weekend was no exception. It's a nice mix of talking about serious issues and laughing a lot. While many of my extended family members have basically been ghosts in my life and their silence and distance is sad and hurtful, these two people have been there from the beginning of this nightmare and I know they will always have my back and that gives me a tiny bit of security in the face of a confusing and scary future.

Little sister is eating low carb these days and all my best breakfast recipes contain hash browns - because hash browns are amazing - so I had to do a little experimentation and come up with something outside of my recipe comfort zone.

I came up with these bacon and egg "muffins" that turned out quite tasty, if I do say so myself. I look forward to coming up with variations in the future. They were quick and easy and will freeze nicely so that I could make them up in advance for my own weekday breakfasts.

Both sis and bro-in-law are big coffee drinkers and have been disappointed in my lack of adequate coffee preparation machines in the past so Sister decided to take care of that on this trip, meet my brand new blue Keurig! 

Taz loved coffee but didn't drink more than 1 cup every few days so we had a tiny, cheap machine that used regular coffee grounds in a reusable filter. It worked and he loved it but it wasn't as convenient as a Keurig. He would have loved this one and since the color is just a little darker than his favorite Tiffany blue shade, I will be calling her Tiffany from now on.

My sister also provided me with quite a large supply of coffee for her future visits so hopefully that means she plans on coming often. We've both been through a lot this past year (and a few years before that) so we need lots of quality time together.

Don't tell anybody but I've always secretly wanted a Keurig for hot chocolate so I love Tiffany and will use her every day.

I'm glad I had a fun weekend because there are some big changes coming up that make me a bit anxious. Even though it's all positive and I'm really optimistic for the first time in six months, I'm not a big fan of change so I always approach it with caution and hesitation.

Oh well, if Tiffany keeps cranking out mugs of comforting hot chocolate, I'll start each day with a smile!

 

clean up

Tonight Charlie and I were in the front yard cleaning up all the sticks and branches that had fallen during a particularly violent thunderstorm over the weekend and suddenly I got really mad. I wasn't mad because this was a job I wasn't able to do because, clearly I was doing it. I wasn't angry because I didn't want to do this job because it was actually quite pleasant being out there in the dusky twilight - my favorite time of the day.

My reason for being mad didn't even make sense, I was just pissed because this was a job that Taz would have done without even thinking twice but I was doing it because he wasn't there to do it. It still hits me hard, especially when I'm doing something that he would normally have done.

Just like it just about killed me when I finally cleaned out the freezer of food that I was never going to eat, that was getting freezer burn because it had been there since our October Costco trip. At this point, even if I wanted to eat it, it wouldn't taste good. I had been promising myself for WEEKS that *this* was the weekend I would clear that stuff out. Well, this past weekend finally was THE weekend. But it was so sad, I felt like I was betraying Taz by throwing his food out and I had to fight with myself not to stuff it all back in the freezer. I won the fight...or did I lose?...and it all went out with the garbage and was picked up and gone by the time I got home from work on Monday. The hardest thing to throw out was the french bread. He loved french bread so much but always complained  he couldn't get a really good baguette here in the US. Every once in a while Publix would make some that were adequate so he would treat himself to a baguette. He loved it so much he could easily eat a whole baguette in one day so he rationed himself by cutting it up and freezing it. There was a whole bag of it in the freezer that he had just put there in early November. And now it's gone. Everything is gone. Every.Damn.Thing.

 The big argument I'm having with myself currently is whether or not to move the shoes. It's not like there isn't precedence for leaving a loved one's things where they left them. Taz and I left Jasper's bed out for over 2 years and we (damn it, I guess I mean *I*) still have a rawhide bone and tennis ball here in this house, just like Jasper left it when we moved away in 2011. The shoes aren't hurting anybody, they are not in the way...but what's the point of leaving them there? I could leave them there for the rest of my life and they aren't going to work any magic. They will never be worn again. And yet, I like seeing them there so that's reason enough to leave them for now.

And we're not even going to talk about the clothes, not yet, I just can't.

Cleaning up what's left behind is a shitty job.

safari

Do you ever wonder why I post a picture of myself at the top of every blog post? It's because I feel invisible most of the time and definitely afraid of just fading away to nothingness. I feel like nobody really sees me anymore and even though I know there are people that care, it's not the same. So I guess the daily snapchat photos are just my little way of saying that I do exist, I still do.

Anyway, my weekend wasn't just about going dancing, or not going dancing as the case may be. There were other moments that need to be documented.

On Friday I took myself to my favorite Disney park - Animal Kingdom. As I may have mentioned before, the number one item on my travel bucket list is going to Kenya, specifically to a safari camp (Cottars) and Giraffe Manor. Taz wasn't quite so keen on it but he knew it was my dearest wish and I know he would have made it happen. Now I fear it never will (I know, never say never, but I have to be realistic) so going on "safari" at Animal Kingdom or walking through the village of Harambe, absorbing the sights and sounds of the music, is probably the closest I'm going to get. Luckily for me, I live within just a couple of miles from the park entrance so I plan to take advantage of that as long as I am allowed to live here. Here are a few highlights from my day:

Taz always wanted to decorate his office like a safari tent and he wanted to buy all of these to hang on the walls.

  After the thrilling safari, I felt I needed a little break from walking about in the African (Floridian) heat so I scouted out the perfect oasis - Nomad Lounge. I had only heard legends about this place, didn't even know if it existed and I traveled for days but finally found it - a perfect gem.

Isn't it charming? It's cool, the scenery is lush and they treat you like royalty. I would love to have a porch decorated like this.

 

They don't have an extensive food menu, it is a lounge after all, but they have a nice variety. My Truffle Poutine was delicious!

I had a lovely morning of adventure, just the right way to start a weekend and the perfect break from a reality that isn't my favorite right now. I can't wait to go back.

 

dancing queen

When we last left our heroine, she was contemplating going out dancing with the Meetup group of strangers. What did she decide?

Well, I actually decided to go. 

I went to the Happy Hour event the night before and it was fun. I met some very nice people and ate the best lobster and shrimp quesadilla I've ever had. I wish I'd taken a picture but I forgot...guess I'll just have to go back and order it again!

I even met a man who loves ballroom and swing dancing with a passion, almost equal to his passion for birdwatching and I know all this because he talked about it a LOT...one could almost say obsessively. LOL He told me that he would ask me to dance the next night.

That "scared" me enough to almost make me not want to go. In fact, I woke up the next morning convinced I wasn't going to go but as the day went on, I realized I really did want to at least give it a try. I decided I would tell the bird guy that I wasn't feeling dancy and just wanted to sit and listen to the music. I figured I might get up on the floor and group dance but wasn't ready for a one on one situation.

So as the evening wore on I spent time getting ready and headed out to the Boardwalk as it was getting dark. Charlie was quite confused because I've never been much for nightlife and rarely go out after dark. But it's a brave new world!

The Boardwalk is such a fun place at night, so much activity with carnival entertainers and families. I had a great time walking around in the 45 minutes before the Dance Hall opened. I got to sit and watch the Epcot fireworks which was lovely. They were Taz's favorite fireworks and he photographed so many brides during that show.

Then it was time to go into the dance hall. I found the Meetup group but didn't recognize any of them, none of the people I'd met the night before were there yet. So I decided to take a look around the Dance Hall as I hadn't been in there since our vow renewal reception in 2005. Maybe that was the problem, I remembered it as an elegant Art Deco ballroom filled with the music I like and people I loved.

Now it wasn't elegant at all, it was loud with flashing lights and music blasting that I didn't like at all and I was surrounded by strangers who weren't particularly friendly and something inside me snapped. I didn't want to be there a single second longer. I didn't want to dance, I certainly didn't want to listen to that music.

I just wanted to go home.

And so I left.

In times of crisis I only have one thing on my mind - McDonalds.

I may or may not have cried the entire drive there...ok, it's pretty clear that I did.

 One chocolate milkshake and many french fries later, I felt pretty good and was ready to put the evening in perspective.

I'm not sorry that I went although it didn't work out the way I'd hoped. I feel good that I gave it a try but I recognize that it's probably too soon for that kind of outing, at least with strangers. With friends it might have been a lot of fun.

I will still keep doing the occasional Meetup especially the food events. The happy hour experience proved that it can be fun but I need to just take all this one step at a time. I'll also keep doing the walking events because that's just good for me and will hopefully counterbalance the food events. LOL

walkies

Remember last month, in the midst of Charlie's health crisis, when I said I was never doing any more of those Meetup events? Yeah, I lied.

I mean, it certainly wasn't a lie when I said it, I was dead serious but after a few weeks, I decided to give Meetup another try and got together with a bunch of strangers to walk around 2 of the Disney hotels.

We met at the French Quarter, which as you can see is themed after New Orleans. There were about 15 of us. French Quarter and its sister resort, Riverside, have very pretty grounds so we walked on the path by the river through the French Quarter, up to Riverside and back down again. The whole walk was probably a mile or two and took about 40 minutes. I kept up with the fastest walkers which was a lot faster than I would have liked to go so next time I'll probably stay more in the middle.

Riverside has a lot of memories for Taz and me, especially the horse and carriage ride where we got re-engaged back in 2011 so I wondered how I would feel being back there but I was too busy keeping up with the pack to have time to feel sorry for myself.

Everybody was very welcoming and the people up in front were quite chatty. The leader asked me a whole lot of questions at the beginning, trying to get to know me, about when I moved to Florida and why. I was a bit taken aback when she asked if I'd moved here because of retirement. I know it's been a hard few months lately but I'm not nearly at retirement age yet and hope I don't look it!

I think I felt like retirement age by the end of the walk, whew! Florida is humid and I was pretty sweaty by the end. Some of the walkers were going to do it all over again and walk up to Riverside to eat dinner. A younger guy (20s) in the group who was not the fittest said out loud "we're going to WALK up there?!?" and we all laughed. I was thinking, "I feel ya dude" but I laughed too like I wasn't horrified by the thought of more walking. I had already decided to pick up something to eat at French Quarter so I said goodbye to the group but promised I'd be back next week.

The line for food was so long and slow and all I could think of was getting back home, stripping off my soggy clothes and jumping in the shower (and right now I can hear Taz's voice in my head saying "don't jump in the shower, it wouldn't be safe" because that was a running joke with us) so I decided to skip food and head on home.

Good thing I did, I had forgotten to give Charlie her pill before I left so I really did need to get back there and do that.

This is me all squeaky clean again after the shower. 

So I survived another Meetup and actually had a good time. But now I face a dilemma - do I want to take it a step further and do a Meetup at a local Disney dancing place? There's one coming up and a day before there's a Happy Hour Meetup with many of the same people so I'd have a chance to get to know them before going dancing.

The shy girl inside of me is so not sure about what to do. Part of me wants to go and just have fun, listen to music, maybe dance although I'm not a great dancer because I'm too self conscious. Part of me is afraid I'm a little too vulnerable at this stage and might be opening myself up to making stupid mistakes and possible heartbreak. I'm really not sure which part of me is going to win this one.