clearing a space

 

happy monday to everybody!

i'm at work right now, literally, it's one of the 2 days a week that i drive 2+ hours into the city to work from my office. today has been interesting with employee drama and an unexpected visit from a former co-worker who we all thought had already left the state. usually it's just me and the boss at the office but today we had quite the cast of characters. it's been a fun day and right now i'm in the office by myself. now that the time has changed and we have more daylight in the evenings, i like to stay late until the traffic on the highway has cleared and my drive is so much nicer...plus, by staying that late chris has to feed the kids and i get home just in time to say prayers and send them off to bed.

i really wish i had some fun pictures to share with you of my exciting weekends lately but, quite frankly, the last several weekends have kind of sucked.

first there were a couple of rainy weekends where we didn't go anywhere and then a couple of weekends where i had things i wanted us to do but other plans and/or obligations kept getting in the way...or i thought they were going to get in the way and then they got canceled and it turned out we stayed home for nothing and that was even worse.

i guess i got into a real rhythm in my past life - taz always used to call me the director of fun and it was my job to find cool festivals or events or new places to explore and i took my job very seriously so we spent every weekend doing something fun even if it was just something little.

life doesn't work that way anymore. i still try to find fun things but sometimes chris has already scheduled something else, sometimes he works on the weekends when it's just the 2 of us, sometimes we go to do *my* fun thing and the kids complain so much that it isn't fun for me anymore and, of course, sometimes the weather doesn't cooperate.

it's kinda been a hard lesson for me to learn and i still haven't figured out how to have a better balance. i do know that i get super cranky when i feel like the weekend has been a waste and that's just not fun for anybody.

however, it doesn't really take much to make me happy - this past weekend it was just the 2 of us and i really wanted to go to the beach (still, haven't been in months even though i keep trying to plan for it) but chris, unexpectedly had to work in the morning so i took myself to a clothing shop and got something cute - definitely retail therapy at its finest - and sunday was supposed to be our beach day but chris had things around the house he wanted to do but a trip to outback steakhouse and an adult beverage that came with a cute koala rubber duckie made everything better. all in all it was the best weekend i've had in a long time.

here's an old picture of my studio. have you noticed that i carefully crop all pictures of the studio to only show my side? remember how i told you that chris had started making a sewing table for c out of an old bunk bed frame? i wish i had taken a picture of it because it was massive and was crowding out all of my space but that's the exact reason why i couldn't take the picture, it felt overwhelming to have it in my studio and i didn't want to document it. it seriously made me want to cry every time i walked in and saw it.

since c still hasn't even looked at the sewing machine since we gave it to her at christmas, shown absolutely no interest in it even though she asked for it, i saw no need for it to continue to take up space in the room. i also saw no need for 2 drawers full of j's toys and his lego table to be left in the room as well. chris agreed that c's sewing machine should really be set up in her room and we'll get her a nice little table for it and he also agreed that j's things really belonged in his own room.

but, he didn't bother doing anything about all of that so yesterday i decided that one thing that would really make it a great weekend would be to take those matters into my own hands so i moved toys, tables, sewing machine and sewing paraphernalia into their respective rooms and then i lifted the massive bed frame on its end and shoved it into the wall where it will be transformed into a storage cabinet for me.

it was a heavy beast but when i get an idea into my head, nothing can stop me. and now the room (which i wish i had a picture of but i don't so i'll post one next time) is so much better.

i feel like i can breathe in that room again. i hadn't even wanted to to go in there and create because it felt oppressive. i felt like something that had been created for me was being taken over and i was being minimized. i have a feeling it's kind of an analogy for my life so maybe that's why taking back the space has filled me with such joy.

so this past weekend was a good one and i plan on having many more good ones, i just have to clear the space for it.

there are exciting things happening in the coming weeks to look forward to, it's a new season and i'm going to make the most of it.

also, i'm just going to take a day off work and drive myself to the beach because i'm tired of waiting.

peaceful evening

 

surprised to hear from me twice in one week? i'm really going to try to be better about documenting my crazy life.

so you may have noticed that i spend a LOT of time complaining about the kids...i've definitely noticed that. i confess that i'm having trouble settling into my role as a stepmom with almost full responsibility for taking care of them when they are with us and a house and food and laundry while also doing a full-time job. i think if i were younger i wouldn't feel so overwhelmed most of the time, at least that's the story i tell myself.

however, i don't want to complain today, i just want to talk about last night and how peaceful and wonderful it was to be just the 2 of us at home. the difference between last night and the night before (when disrespect was hitting an all time high) is like night and day. i need more of these days in my life.

that was the scene for dinner last night, doesn't it look delightful? chris came home at a decent hour (something that doesn't usually happen these days) and grilled a couple of steaks while also fixing rice and some hot dogs for his lunch today and it was so nice to have him make the effort and not leave everything for me to figure out.

the weather was perfect (i love this time of year) so we sat outside on our porch and just talked and laughed and it was nothing special but it was special, ya know?

these are the moments i live for.

hair and other fun stuff

 

want to know what i did all weekend? my hair.

i'm kind of obsessed with my hair, you might have guessed this with all the many (many, many, many) pictures i take of myself - i'm mostly documenting my hair.

i wasn't always this way, i have had freakishly short hair for most of my life. i blame my mother for the start of this because she didn't like having to remind me to brush my hair or spend hours brushing out tangles because i wasn't all that good at taking care of my hair so she chopped it all off in the 3rd grade and i stayed short-haired on into adulthood.

now that i have a girl of my own who isn't good at all about brushing her hair and winds up with these huge tangled mats of hair, i cut my mother a little slack because i can totally see why she got so frustrated.

but somewhere in the last several years, i started growing out my hair - mostly because haircuts cost too much money but also because i like the way i look with long hair and now my hair is like a living breathing extra person in my life. i'm always wondering if i should leave it loose or put it up or getting it caught on things or having it get in the way in intimate moments but no matter how annoying any of that is, i never, ever, ever think about cutting it.

i obsess over the color as well, mostly blond but sometimes branching out into red or pink.

pink was on my mind this weekend and i had this vision of going to the beach on sunday with the most delightful pink mermaid hair streaming out behind me so i bought pink hair dye on saturday and colored my hair that evening.

when i got out of the shower and toweled off i thought it looked a little darker than the cotton candy pink on the haircolor box but hoped it would lighten as it dried so imagine my shock and disappointment when i woke up sunday morning to find it had dried to a decidedly unpink, mousy brown color.

yuck.

i was born with brown hair and never really liked it so as soon as i was living on my own, i went blonde. i wasn't about to go back to brown now so (after canceling the beach trip, partly because of the hair and partly because of other reasons) i was off to the drugstore to pick up another box of hair color and get back to blonde. no, i don't go to the salon (although i would love to) because - yes, you guess it, it costs too much.

i normally don't like to color my hair twice in a 24 hour period because it's not good for it but i was left with no choice. unfortunately, as you can see from the picture above, i am still not a blonde. i'm not sure what this color is - i think it's kind of reddish - but it's not the wonderful "light golden blonde" that the box promised however i'm going to have to live with it for a little while because my hair needs a break. actually, i'm kind of digging this color for right now.

in other news, i was invited to come up to the main virginia office for an employee appreciation event to celebrate being with the agency for 5 years (which actually happened last year but they didn't have an event) and they were going to pay to fly me up there but only pay for 1 night of hotel. unfortunately none of the flights worked with that schedule and all the options they presented me with would have cost ME hundreds of dollars and they couldn't see their way to compromise and the whole episode left me feeling the exact opposite of appreciated so i chose not to go which is fine, not the end of the world except that i grew up in that area of virginia and haven't been back in several years so i was really looking forward to it. they invited 3 of us from the florida office to go there but 2 of us are among the lowest paid employees in the company and neither one of us could afford to go so the only one that actually went is the 2nd highest paid employee in our office and that kind of sucks.

so i have started putting my resume out there to see what else is there but i'm at an age where i really don't want to start all over again plus i need flexibility because of the kids' schedules and that isn't usually found, especially in  new job so it would work out best for me to stay in my current job but i feel i'm being undervalued and i'm so damned tired of never having any extra money. taz and i lived like that for so many years and it's not like i need a lot but i guess the sacrificing is getting to me right now.

there are so many things i'd like to do, the main one being able to travel, even just a little. i'm going to try to be creative and come up with some sort of way to have a little road trip just for chris and me. 

 the kids had a holiday from school last monday and i had a holiday from work so we hung out at a local playground and had lunch at a local fast food place we rarely go to because it's on the expensive side...so expensive, in fact, that when i saw that just 2 kid meals were going to be almost $20, i chose not to eat which made me a little cranky, to be honest.

and here's my confession - i get a little disappointed when i realize a work & school holiday falls on a monday when it's our turn to have the kids which means i have  them by myself for the whole day. i realize that's really selfish of me but it's not really a holiday for me when i have to plan activities and referee their fights...which are constant as they've gotten older. when we first started dating we only had the kids every other weekend so this never was a problem but that situation changed at some point and i've rarely had a holiday to myself since then. it wouldn't be as bad if chris had holidays too and then we could just plan something special as a family but you don't get a lot of holidays in medical transport, unfortunately.

ok, that's enough of my bitching because all the complaining in the world isn't going to change anything so i just need to adjust my attitude and carry on...me and my reddish hair. LOL

welcome to my studio

 

we've finally made it to february! i swear, i think january was 782 days long.

something fun and new has been capturing most of my time these days - jewelry making.

now i know i've talked about this before and shown y'all pictures of some of my first earring attempts but shit's getting serious now.

chris spent both of his christmas and new year holidays moving rooms around in our house - moving boxes (pretty much all mine from my house) out of our spare room into the shed then moving j into the spare room so that he could set up my little studio space.

a jewelry making friend of mine told me a couple of years ago that to really get into making jewelry i needed a space dedicated solely to it, some place i didn't have to clean up after every session so that i could leave in the middle of a project and have it be there waiting for me.

i tried to do that on the dining room table (which we rarely use for meals) but it's also kind of a catch all space so my stuff kept getting crowded out. then i tried to set up a space in our bedroom but there just wasn't room and i never used it so chris took matters into his own hands and, voila, my studio was born.

i have been busy obtaining all the makings for jewelry and i've spent quite a bit of time in there coming up with designs and putting things together. my jewelry "company" is named skull baby boho so that's why some of my first efforts have been sugar skulls but i plan on having a lot of boho in there as well.

i've been working on getting the space as pretty as i can (even though some of j's toys haven't quite made it out of the room yet) and one of the first things i did was put up new curtains (see old curtains below)

because i want the space to feel as magical as possible and those boring beige curtains weren't working for me.

i also took back my mother's dress form (which i had given to c but she wasn't using it and had set it out in the hall) to hang some inspiration necklaces that have been made by others. of course i had to put a hat on it because i am all about hats and i think it looks cute.

i hung this sign on the door to proclaim to the world that this is my space but that's become somewhat of a problem. i started playing in my studio (and referring to it as *my* studio) during a weekend when the kids were with their mother and the more time i spent in there, the more i realized i wanted the whole space to myself even though chris had basically told c that she could use it too.

we got her a sewing machine for christmas which she has not opened or touched or shown any interest in but one night, while i was in another part of the house, chris started setting up a table for her sewing machine from an old bunk bed frame and when i walked in the room and saw my table and shelving kind of shoved aside to make room for this massive sewing table, i was feeling some kind of way about it. 

after the kids went to bed i walked in again hoping that my feelings would change but they hadn't and i got tears in my eyes because it felt like my stuff was being taken over for something for the kids even though they have large rooms of their own with plenty of room for their projects.

chris came in, all proud of himself for coming up with the design for the sewing table and asked me what i thought and i, very quietly, told him that it really bothered me to see all my stuff shoved in a corner and that i had never wanted to share the room in the first place. i had never voiced that outloud and i guess that's selfish of me but i feel like i've had to give up so much and i've done so many things for the kids and this was the first time something was being done just for me but now it wasn't. i guess i never should have put that sign up on the door and let myself think of it as mine. chris said he understood and will try to figure out how to move her sewing machine into her room. since she's shown absolutely no interest in getting the machine out of the box i guess there's no hurry and i'll just continue to work in my half of the room and ignore all the stuff that doesn't belong to me.

if it ever really does become my room, i have all sorts of plans for additional shelving and storage plus i'll need a place to store all the display items that i've been collecting to use when i start selling my jewelry at craft fairs.

but before i start selling, i'm going to have to get a lot better. sometimes my hands are so clumsy that i feel like i really suck at this even though i love it. i know there's a learning curve and i just need to keep at it. at least i'm having fun even while i suck!

hello 2024

 so here we are in a new year - it's 2024!

sometimes i feel like all i do is complain when i'm writing (but to be fair, that's kind of what i use this blog for so that i complain here and don't do it in real life) but when i posted something on facebook about my life in 2023, i was mostly happy with how the year turned out and couldn't even think of any regrets...except for giving some people a 2nd (100th) chance and finding out they were still the ungrateful, irresponsible people they'd always been. LOL

so i'm going into 2024 with hope and optimism. i worked really hard last year (not always succeeding) to make me a priority and not always give up my own wants and needs just to make my family happy and i'm going to continue that in 2024.

i always like to reflect and make promises to myself so here's what i hope to accomplish in this new year:

1. make time for my hobbies - chris spent most of his christmas and new year days off moving j into the back bedroom so that the middle room could become a craft room for me. i have dreams of making jewelry (and some other home decor items) and selling them online and in those vintage fairs that i love. now, to be fair, i've never really been all that crafty and i'm learning jewelry making from the ground up but i just feel like i'd be good at it once i get past that awkward learning stage. we'll see.

2. read often - that was a goal from last year that i really nailed and i want to continue. i'm a happier jonni when i get time to read.

3. travel - also last year's goal that i don't really feel i reached although we did take a family 2 day (cheap) cruise to the bahamas so that fulfilled a goal of going somewhere i'd never been and i often think back to that day on that perfect beach where i felt totally relaxed and happy.

4. vintage fairs - i just love visiting a good vintage market and last year's goal was to attend every single fancy flea. i almost made it, only missed one, so this year i'm going to try that again plus add in a few new markets. chris only kinda likes the markets, c loves them and j gets bored so sometimes i feel guilty hijacking weekend plans but i do enjoy going as a family and even j would rather do that than stay home and have to help with his dad's home improvement projects.

5. spend more time with my family - i got to hang out with my sister several times last year and we're planning on making it happen even more in 2024. she has plans that might allow her to live even closer to me and that would be the best. i have some lovely friends all over the world because of the internet (we were all internet pioneers 25+ years ago and made lifelong friendships) but it's still not the same as being able to hang out in person and my little sister (who is really my niece but we're close in age) is my best friend and partner in crime so to be able to be face to face every month or two would be heaven. i love the rest of my family too and hope to find a way to see each of them in person this year.

6. sing - i sang a lot last year but ended up having to drop out of chorus in order to attend c's middle school basketball games which was a sacrifice i was willing to make but it was still a sacrifice. i hope to find a way to sing a little closer to home and something that i can make a commitment to. i love to sing and i'm even going to explore doing it solo as opposed to a chorus; no matter what, i don't want to live a life without participating in music.

7. be adorable every day - i nail that one every year

christmas was good to us, we had the kids for the day and everyone enjoyed their presents. i made the whole dinner myself but didn't work too hard at it so i didn't end up feeling exhausted and resentful. i did a little extra for the day by baking cupcakes for breakfast and setting up a hot cocoa bar because, for the first time in 5 years, i was feeling a little more of the christmas spirit.

chris worked hard to build an organizing unit for all the beads and jewelry findings that i'm going to need to make jewelry. i appreciate the fact that he really wants to encourage me in this project. he ordered a bunch of beads for me but they won't arrive until next week so he spent all day christmas eve building so that i'd at least have 1 present on christmas day. i'm eventually going to paint it, probably pink.

we got the kids again on new years eve and we'll have them until they go back to school on january 9th so i planned a little new years eve surprise for them - we attended a party at a local water park. the swimming part was, of course, closed for the evening but they had music and firepits and cornhole and bounce houses and food for purchase and it was a fun time for all of us.

it was the kids' first time staying up until past midnight to welcome in the new year and, quite frankly, it was the first time in a long time for me too.

my parents and i always were up at midnight, watching the new york city ball drop on tv. taz and i used to get a hotel room and attend the hotel parties and dress up and it was so much fun. the last years we just partied at home with the tv and always drank a toast at midnight but ever since 2018, i haven't wanted to be awake when a new year (without taz) happened so this was the first time in 5 years that i stayed awake. it wasn't too hard to keep from snoozing though because it was DAMN cold out there. we were all freezing so at 11:30 pm i suggested we watch the fireworks from the car and everybody jumped at that suggestion. it turned out to be a great idea because we had a perfect view and the fireworks were quite nice. we watched the ball drop from new york city on youtube and participated in the countdown and it was kind of the perfect new years eve with kids. next year we will be without kids so i'm hoping it'll be somewhat more romantic but this was nice.

so here's to a healthy and happy 2024 for everybody out there - may the new year bring you closer to your dreams.

road trip

 

ho, ho, ho and merry december!

it's been a busy month already and we're barely half way through. 

the final Fancy Flea of 2023 took place in a town just 10 miles away from us on the first saturday of december. luckily our basketball games didn't start until noon so i drug chris up the road when the show first opened at 9 and we had a delightful time visiting all the vendors. my mission was to find a christmas present for my sister in law in alabama and i'm happy to say that mission was accomplished. i made a vow last year that i'd attend every fancy flea in 2023 and i almost accomplished it - only missed 1 - so i feel good about how i brought a little more balance into my life by doing things that *i* like.

we made it back into town just in time for the game. for once we didn't have to pick up the kids and the ex because, wonder of wonder - miracle of miracles, she now has access to a car and can transport the kids when it's her weekend rather than have us drive out of our way to go get all of them and cart them around.

and it's actually not all that much out of our way anymore since they moved back in with her mother right before thanksgiving but that's a whole 'nother story.

we had a lot of basketball games on that day - J had 2 and C had 1 and we weren't out of the ymca until after 3 but, although we didn't know it at the time, that was the end of our ymca basketball experience. the season lasted until the 16th but we were out of town the following weekend and then the ex decided to take the kids to a birthday party rather than basketball this past saturday so they never got to play again.

i wouldn't say that i'm happy there's no more basketball...oh hell yeah, i'm ecstatic there's no more basketball!!!

last saturday we got up at dark o'clock to head to alabama to visit my family and watch my brother in his 41st performance of the nutcracker.

i look forward to this every year! last year i had to go alone because chris chose basketball over me; this year he made a wiser choice.

but before we got to the ballet we stopped by my brother and sister-in-law's house so that she could put on a wonderful, decadent afternoon tea for c and me and my little sister, lisa.

there was so much food and it was all delicious and i wanted to honor all the effort she'd put into the afternoon so i ate a little of everything which turned out to be more than a little too much. i was fine during the performance but i got little sleep as i was sick at the motel that night and then felt like crud on the very long, 7 hour drive back home the next day. it was all worth it though, i do love a good road trip, i love seeing my family and i wouldn't miss my brother's performance for anything. it was a short visit, just overnight, but even a short road trip is better than no road trip at all. i do love to travel.

i was still feeling pretty poorly as i worked from home on monday. i needed to be close to town so that we could go to c's last middle school basketball game at 5pm. it was an away game and it was clear the school had a lot of money (more than c's school) but for some reason they couldn't put any of that money into getting their basketball net fixed.

the game went by pretty quickly and c's team lost which means they lost every game this season except the one where the other team forfeited. c seemed to take it all in stride and ended the season happy to have participated. i don't know if she'll do it again next year but right now she's almost as happy as i am that we're through with basketball.

we were going to stay for the first half of the varsity game as required (all jv have to sit through half of the varsity game to cheer them on) but all of a sudden i felt a ton of cold water going down my back because the lady standing behind me had spilled her beverage. it was an unpleasant feeling and although she offered to get some paper towels, chris just said that we were leaving and i certainly didn't object.

and now, with basketball and road trips behind us, we're heading full-steam into the christmas season. we've done most, if not all of our shopping, and even have the holiday ham in the house so i'm not feeling much pressure. i'm going to have a hot cocoa bar set up with crockpot hot chocolate and little bowls of toppings (like mini marshmallows and crushed up candy canes and whipped cream) all around. c has asked if we could have the grinch punch we had at our wedding (green hawaiian punch, sprite, pineapple juice and lime sherbet) so i'll have already mixed up so we can all help ourselves during the day.

because of custody arrangements, we have the kids on christmas day from 10-6 then they go back to their mother to spend the first week of winter break with her. we will get them the following week which includes new years eve so i found a fun party to go to with dancing and a fireworks display. i plan on dancing my booty off, haven't done that in years but i'm more than ready to party my way into 2024.

then i'll work from home the first week in january until the little angels go back to school. i've found that the key to having a successful week of kid vacation is menu planning so i've already mapped out meals for the 10 days and have a grocery store order ready to pick up later this week so that i will have all the food in the house and won't have to drag a couple of kids around the store while i really should be working.

so here's to the next couple of weeks, may we all survive and have a very merry christmas.

november

 

so now we have november which is a tricky month for me because it's birthday month (for me and half of my family) but it's also the month taz died so i swing wildly back and forth on emotions.

this year was a big milestone - 5 years since taz went away which feels like a million years but one look at a picture and it seems like yesterday.

what have i been up to in november? glad you asked! 

we attended Bug Jam which is a celebration of volkswagen beetles and campers which is something i dearly love. i know i'll never own one but it's fun to see what everybody else has.

we drove 3 hours to a tiny town in florida to meet my sister (who also drove over 3 hours) and have lunch to celebrate our birthdays. i wish i had a picture of the two of us together but we'll have to settle for a picture of me driving/riding there.

i took several days off from work surrounding my birthday and on my actual birthday i treated myself to brunch and got my free starbucks birthday frappucino so that was a good day. 

the kids came home from school on that day and "surprised" me with presents and a homemade card. i had wanted to go out for dinner but we ended up having pizza delivered and it was so awful that i ended up feeling sick for the rest of the evening.

thanksgiving was a couple of days later but we didn't really celebrate because chris was working most of the day. we went to red lobster in the evening and he enjoyed the endless shrimp. i absolutely hated what i ordered (stuffed flounder which i used to love there but they've changed the recipe and added some horrible sauce) but we had a good time hanging out. afterwards we went shopping at dollar tree and dollar general (the only stores open on the holiday) and picked up some fun christmas decor and that was probably my favorite thanksgiving memory this year.

thanksgiving has been hard for me since taz died on thanksgiving day so i haven't cooked turkey or any of the traditional meal since then but turkeys were only $5 earlier that week so we had one in the refrigerator and i decided to make it on sunday evening along with mashed potatoes. i literally spent all day in the kitchen and it was so hot and i was sweating and i think the food turned out pretty well although, since no one thanked me or commented, i really don't know - i liked it so i guess that's all that counts. but i realized that i really don't want to ever do that again. cooking the turkey wasn't so bad and i love turkey sandwiches so i'll make it again for me but i'm just not ever going to be one of those women who shows her love by spending endless hours in the kitchen.

and the clean up was soul crushing. i think my big push for this year is to get a dishwasher because i am so over doing dishes by hand. 

my payoff is those turkey sandwiches that i love and i was looking forward to having one on monday when i realized that my son ate the last of the bread and didn't mention it so my sandwich had to wait.

so there's november in a nutshell - we were supposed to go to daytona for a car show on thanksgiving weekend but didn't have the money so we started putting some of our christmas decorations up. i think we went low key on the holiday last year so i'd like to jolly it up a little more this season.

we also had a lot of basketball in the first 2 weeks of november but we've been on a break for the end of the month. it starts up again in december but i'm just trying to block that out for the moment.

bring on december!