Mr. T and I always loved the beach. It was one of the reasons we moved to California, because we wanted to live near the ocean. We spent many afternoons and evenings at the beach in our town, watching the waves or walking along the shore. Mr. T always said I'd never met an ocean I didn't want to put my feet in and he was right.
So I knew I needed to get to the beach to refresh my soul and replenish my spirit but I really didn't want to go by myself the first time. I had never been to the beach by myself in my whole life and I wasn't ready to start.
Unfortunately, life doesn't always work out the way we plan (tell me about it) and I slowly came to the realization that if I wanted to go to the beach, I was going to have to do it on my own.
So I started to make my plans. First thing I knew I had to have some sort of waterproof pouch to carry my valuables around with me. In the past Mr. T usually stayed on the sand while I played in the water so he could keep an eye on things but now I knew I needed to take everything with me in the water just to be safe.
So I got 2 pouches, a pink and blue, and put them to the test.
Yep that's my pouch submerged in water! I left it there, with a paper towel inside, for an hour and afterwards the paper towel was completely dry. Unbelievable! I knew that meant I could play in the water and my phone, money and car keys wouldn't get wet.
Now when Mr. T and I would spend the day at the beach, he would spend the whole night before we left getting things ready. For a 1 day trip (just a few hours, really) he would pack enough for us to be on a 4 week safari. He had snacks and drinks and extra clothes and chairs and umbrella and a cart to get it all there. If we took Charlie, she had her own suitcase full of stuff as well.
I'm a bit more spontaneous so I decided to take as little as possible, just a mat to sit on and a towel.
The morning came and I got a bit of a late start. To be honest, there was a big part of me that was thinking about backing out. It was too much driving, what if I hated it, etc. But I gave myself a stern talking to and I got in the car and headed out.
I started out pretty well but the GPS wanted to send me on the highway and I wanted to go the back road that Mr. T and I had always taken. I got off at the exit that I thought was right and kept driving even though the GPS kept telling me to make a u-turn. After about 10 minutes, with the GPS getting more and more indignant, I finally had to admit that I'd made a mistake and was going the wrong way. Worst of all, I had to backtrack all the way back to the road I'd exited. How discouraging. I almost gave up and drove home right there.
Just as I was about to change lanes to take the exit back home, I looked over at the Hula Kitty I had just put in the car the night before. Her head was bobbing up and down in the most ridiculous way that it made me laugh right out loud and then suddenly I felt better and decided to push on to the beach.
Even with the unexpected misturn, I still arrived at the beach at a good time...meaning there were still empty spaces in the parking lot. That's the most stressful part of a daytrip to the beach for me, where will I park?
I grabbed my beach mat and my bag and practically ran to the beach, found a great spot and set myself up for a day of fun. It was heaven to be in my happy place, hearing the waves, smelling that salty beach air.
I couldn't wait to run and stick my feet in the waves!
It was everything I hoped it would be, I felt like me for the first time in a very long time. I ran and skipped and kicked and twirled. I also lost my balance and practically fell on my butt because that's who I am too. Whatever.
I went back to sit on my mat and soak in the sunshine and then it hit me...I was hungry. If Mr. T had been there, there would have been an assortment of sandwiches and chips and cold drinks and probably even dessert. Well crap, since I was Miss Spontaneity there was nothing. Double crap.
There was nothing else to do but trudge down the beach and across the street to Wendy's for a chicken sandwich and a nice big cold drink. Then trudge back to my mat. Lesson learned, next time I'll take a page out of Mr. T's book and bring a sandwich and some drinks.He was right, I was wrong, blah blah blah.
After a few hours of sun and surf, it was time to drive back home. My phone(GPS) died on me less than 30 minutes into the drive but that was ok, I knew the way now and made it home easily.
I'm so glad I went and I enjoyed it so much I plan on going back often throughout the spring and summer. I'd go every weekend if I could but I do have obligations so maybe every other weekend.
Do I wish things were different and that Mr. T and I could be there together? Hell yes. It's making me cry right now just thinking about the fact that we'll never go to the beach together again. But I'm glad to know that I can still enjoy it, just in a different way.
Is it lonely? Yes and no. I still think it would be more fun with a group of people but it's good to know that going solo can still be fun and it's not overwhelming. I feel like myself at the beach. I feel like the free spirit that I long to be.
Several years ago, after my father died, my mother was on the phone with me while Mr. T was away on a business trip and she was sympathizing with me about how lonely it must be.
I came back with something about how I was never lonely. And it was true. I prided myself on being Miss Independent. I flew across the country by myself, went on research trips throughout the Midwest by myself, went to movies and restaurants by myself. I was too busy living my life, dreaming my own dreams, pursuing my passions to be lonely just because I didn't have a man at my side all the time.
What an arrogant, judgemental little twit I was.
What I didn't get until just now was that I could afford to be independent because I knew there was a man who was always there for me even if he was far away. He never let a day go by, no matter where he was in the world, without talking to me at least once and often several times. We Skyped together from all over the world. He loved that I had my own interests and fully supported them but he was always, always, always there for me and knowing that was everything to me so how could I be lonely?
But what my mother knew was that when that ends, when there is no longer somebody on the other end of the phone, it's so lonely. I can't even describe how it feels to know you're all alone. Even if you have friends that love you, it's not the same. They have their own lives and their own families and you no longer do and the last thing you want to do is become the person that's always there, that doesn't recognize boundaries.
Loneliness is a monster. You don't even realize it's there until it's surrounding you, crushing the life out of you until you can't breathe. If I don't make it through this, loneliness will be the reason why.
I can also see now why loneliness can lead you to make spectacularly stupid choices. I've been slightly stupid in my life (I'm not a blonde for nothing) but I'd prefer to never be spectacular at it.
I honestly don't know what to do about loneliness. I feel like I'm doing all the right things - getting out, trying new experiences, trying to meet new people, doing things on my own, etc. but loneliness keeps sneaking in and smothering me. Interestingly, it usually hits me right after I've been out doing something. I feel less lonely sitting on the couch watching endless hours of mindless TV but I know that's not what I should be doing and isn't healthy for me.
I guess I just need to keep going, be a moving target and continue to believe that it will get better.
It will, right?
I follow a lot of widows on Instagram. There's something comforting about reading the words of others who are walking the same path.
Lately there have been quite a few who have announced new boyfriends, engagements and weddings. It makes my heart happy to see these women find love again after such sorrow and grief and loneliness.
Whenever a widow finds love again there are equal parts joy and guilt. The topic of soulmates comes up frequently because of course you believe you were married to your soulmate but, especially if you're young, the idea of never having that kind of love in your life again is hard to comprehend but if you already married your soulmate, then is that all you get?
It's made me think of what I believe about soulmates. I do believe in the idea of soulmates. I firmly believe that Mr. T and I were destined to meet, fall in love and be together however I've never felt that it's only one soulmate to a person. But I don't know.
To be honest, the idea of being that vulnerable to another human again scares the crap out of me. I can't even imagine going through the motions of getting to know someone new. That whole process of going from strangers to knowing another person inside and out is pretty much a mystery to me. Mr. T and I met so long ago, we were just babies. We were just a couple of kids who kind of grew up together. We had each other's backs.
I can't even imagine doing it again.
It's hard enough just to make new friends as an adult. To think of trusting somebody with your heart, that's a big no from me. At least for now.
Here's my soulmate, my best friend. I definitely trust her with my heart.
So I survived the great sprinkler repair of 2019...barely.
The guy was here for over 4 hours and had to drive to the hardware store for parts twice and finished up in the dark with me holding the flashlight for him but he finished and, apparently things are fine now. We'll see when it's time to water the lawn again on Saturday.
It was stressful and I missed Mr. T so much. I started stress eating in the last hour, at least I held off till then!
But it's done and I made it through and at least I have someone to call when other sprinkler things break. Because they will, sprinkler heads break all the time, I'm amazed it hasn't happened before now.
And other things around the house are going to break too and I'm going to have to deal with then and I will. That's just how life works.
But right now I've got a beach trip to get ready for!
That's a picture of a hole in my front yard that is filled with water.
It's not supposed to be filled with water. It's not supposed to be a hole.
All the houses in my neighborhood were built with in ground irrigation systems that work on a timer. It's nice because Florida gets HOT in the summer and you don't have to even think about watering your lawn, the system does it for you.
It's nice until it breaks.
Mr T did a great job of maintaining the irrigation. He replaced broken sprinkler heads and even fixed leaks and malfunctions of the pipes and valves.
I've spent the past 4 months wondering when something would break and I'd have to take care of the repair process myself. Well, wonder no more, I've got a major leak in my system. Woohoo, it's my first major repair without Mr. T.
The first irrigation guy I called was one Mr. T had used before and he thoughtfully left the guy's information on his bulletin board. Problem solved, I thought. Too bad the guy responded just once and said he'd be by in a few days and I never heard from him again.
Found another guy and he came by last night and made this hole. Then he couldn't go any further without a shovel so he's coming back tonight but that will only tell him exactly what's wrong. He won't be able to fix it until Saturday. Meanwhile it continues to leak. Kinda worried about the repair cost not to mention next month's water bill.
I know that there are lots of single women/single
mothers out there who handle this kind of stuff all the time. I'm just
taking a little while to adjust to my new status, I guess. I want to cry but I'm not going to let myself because I'm very much afraid that once I start, I won't be able to stop.
One good thing that happened out of all this is that the repair guy also has his own mowing company. I have not been happy at all with the people that currently mow my lawn; they are mediocre, at best. This guy gave me a much better price and, because he will be the one doing the mowing, I think he'll be more accountable than the random guys that the current company hires.
And I know I could mow the lawn on my own, I've done it before, but I can't get the lawn mower started. Even Mr. T had trouble with it.
Oh, gotta go, just got a text that the irrigation guy is on his way here to make an even bigger hole in my lawn.
Just so excited.
I've been thinking a lot lately about people.
Like people that say "we're right there with you" but you never hear from them.
Like people that say "let's get together soon" but don't make actual plans and can't be pinned down to a date.
Like people that say they want to come visit and actually settle on a date but ghost as the date gets closer.
Like people that say they want to talk over the weekend but the weekend goes by and they never call.
Like the damned irrigation guy that said he'd be by in the next few days to look at a sprinkler leak and it's been more than a few days and you've heard nothing from him.
I've never been one to ask for favors or for help. I learned a long time ago, when my parents were both sick, that people love to say they're there to help but rarely follow through. I've really got to remember that now because it's too disappointing otherwise.
I'm not judging, I'm sure I was terrible at follow through myself when people have needed help. We are all caught up in our own lives and really, that's ok. My problems shouldn't be anyone else's responsibility. So now I have to pull up my big girl panties and get over being afraid of doing things on my own and take care of myself.
This weekend I'm going to treat myself to something I've wanted to do for a long time and just get over the intimidation factor. It's different to go places by myself rather than part of a couple. There are logistics to think about to make sure you're safe and that your stuff is protected and not vulnerable to theft.
Even the question of whether or not to take Charlie is different when you're solo. With another person one of you can stand outside a shop or restaurant while the other goes in and buys something. You can't do that by yourself. If Charlie comes then I can't go shopping or eat any place that doesn't have outside ordering. There are all sorts of situations I've never had to think about before.
Nevertheless, I'm excited and can't wait for the weekend!
So this has been quite the week - a bit of a roller coaster.
Monday was really bad, crying for hours. I'm not even sure what set me off. It certainly didn't help that the weather was gray and gloomy. I felt completely hopeless and defeated most of the day. I pulled myself together long enough to go to chorus rehearsal but I left early because I couldn't stand being around people any longer and I had more crying to do.
Tuesday I called in sick to work just so that I could sleep. All that crying had left me emotionally exhausted and it was so rainy. I actually didn't think I could face driving to work in the rain...so I didn't. I really needed that extra sleep and I'm sure Charlie didn't mind having to share the couch with me.
On Wednesday and Thursday I could see blue sky, the temperatures started coming up and so did my mood. I was back at work, I went out to lunch with a coworker and I started working on new projects.
During the week I've been exchanging silly Snapchat photos with a variety of friends and that really seems to help improve my mood. I started out just connecting with the daughter of a friend but since I've been sharing the pictures on Facebook and Instagram I've inspired grown up friends to try it too so now I have several people to send daily silly pictures to. It's fun and lord knows I need as much fun in my life as I can get.
By Friday I felt strong enough to tackle a really big milestone - a solo trip to Epcot, which was Mr. T's favorite Disney park. I had worried that since we spent SO much time together at this park, it would be too sad for me to be there alone. However it appears that just the opposite is true - I have so many happy memories there that it's a place where I feel close to Mr. T.
I ended up having a great morning walking around the World Showcase and I can't wait to tell you all about it in future posts. I'm going to spotlight one "country" per post and share all my happy memories. We used to go there all the time to get exercise (it's approximately a mile around the World Showcase and Mr. T would frequently drag me around 2 times) so there are a LOT of happy memories...and quite a few memories of sore feet!
Stay tuned
