out

Let me tell you all a little story about Toothbrush Guy.

Yeah, I went there. Friday at work was REALLY boring so I decided to respond but I was different than I'd ever been before. I was sarcastic, I called him out on the lines he was using, I made him talk first and ask me all the questions. I wasn't afraid to tell him he was being cheesy.

And he was right there with me, it was one of the most fun exchanges that I've had. He opened up a bit and told me his wife died 8 years ago. At first I was skeptical about the truthfulness of that but later he said something about his grief journey, almost as an aside, that rang true. It's something I don't think you'd know about unless you'd experienced it.

He called me on the phone, y'all. I am so not a phone person but we ended up having lengthy conversations and he made me laugh more than I have in a really long time.

I didn't want to get ahead of myself with any of it but I did let myself dream of a life beyond these 4 walls just a little. I started to look forward to deep sea fishing and walks around the lake, to cooking dinner together, to morning sex and breakfast in bed. And, of course, road trips because I want to travel so badly.

But then late last night he was keeping in touch while he was out at a pool tournament and he sent me a full length picture of himself at the pool hall and asked for one in return. And this is where cold fear entered my heart.

I sent him this one. 

Apparently I wasn't the fantasy girl he'd been expecting because he typed a couple more lines and then it's been radio silence ever since.

And that's exactly what I'd feared - I'm not enough.

I'm not enough because there's too much of me.

And the irony is that I look better than I ever have. I am wearing the smallest size I've worn since high school. I have hair for days. I look younger than my actual age and I look a damn sight younger than he does.

But it's not enough and it's exactly what I'd feared when I realized, after Taz died, that I was eventually going to end up out in the dating world again. It was not easy at 20, so much anxiety, so many feelings of inadequacy. I guess I'm damn lucky I had decades of not having to ever feel that way but being thrust back into all that angst at middle age is a cruel joke that life has played.

I wonder if this picture would have gotten a better response. I'm still not a Barbie but I'm proud of myself, who I've become, who I'm still becoming. I'm damn proud that I've lost weight during all of this and didn't turn to food for comfort. I feel good in my own skin but it's still disappointing that nobody else can see it.

Guys are jerks. They can say all the right words and maybe even mean it in the moment but, in the end, they return to their default setting of neanderthal. 

But for a little while I really enjoyed the attention. I liked having someone to talk to and laugh with. I could almost feel his hand in mine. I loved having him check in with me throughout the day. I told him I was going to Walgreens to shop for hair stuff and he called while I was there and had me in stitches describing all the rows and rows of products for women and the tiny little corner in the back for men.

For just a little while, I didn't feel all alone.

But that's it for me - 3 up, 3 down - 3 strikes and you're out.

I am so out.

dating

Adventures with dating continue!

Rather than let myself get discouraged I decided to get back on the horse and see if there were any new people to meet. Or maybe I was just sitting around bored on a Monday night.

So I got back on the app and this time I "liked" a few guys who hadn't "liked" me first just to see what would happen. Out of 8 that I clicked on, 6 have clicked back and now we're a "match." 

It's mostly been highly amusing. There's the guy that texts "good morning beautiful" every morning even though I never respond. I wonder how many girls he's texting that to?

There's the one whose first message was "Good morning, ready for road trips near and far, grab passport and tooth brush lol"  and that was it. Yeah, kind of a hard no on that. I don't run off with people I know nothing about...and I need way more than a toothbrush. LOL But seriously, I prefer people that don't use cheesy opening lines but rather share a bit more about themselves.

There was this one who sent a nice message that made me want to explore further. So we did and we texted pretty much non stop for 2 days. It wasn't just me, he was right there keeping the conversation going. I am not one of those girls who keeps bugging people if I don't hear back from them. He texted me to say good morning and I love that. So we finally decided to do a video thing yesterday so that we could see each other. We had a really nice conversation, I thought, but I'm coming to realize that I must be one of those people who are cooler online than in person because after that conversation (which he ended by saying "we should do this again sometime" which is the kiss of death) I haven't heard much from him. He was nice enough to text and wish me well on a work thing I'd told him about and when I responded to that he texted back to say he was out with friends for the evening. And since then it's been crickets, no good night text, no good morning text. 

And since this is the 2nd time someone has lost interest when they "met" me in person after some great texting, I guess it really *is* me. Now the first time it was totally mutual, I wanted nothing to do with the first guy after seeing him "in person" as well but this time, I really liked this guy and this one actually hurts. But only a little.

I've always known I wasn't a girl that made guys go wow at first glance. But if someone got to know me, I used to have pretty good luck at second glance. But that's when I was younger, maybe I'm just too old now. That's a depressing thought, nothing I can do about that.

Maybe I'll finally respond to the "good morning beautiful" guy.

I don't think any of this has been good for my self confidence so I'll just stop now. I've got Charlie. Who needs a man? I certainly don't need all the hand holding, cuddles and kisses in dark corners that I was being offered, right? 

I really wish I hadn't opened the door and let myself go there in my head, it makes it that much harder to get through my dismal reality day after day. I can't even hope to meet someone the old fashioned way right now so I guess I just have to be patient. 

I hate being patient.

I recently told a friend (who is best friends with my roommate and also seems overly invested in making sure I follow all the quarantine rules) that I'm not getting any younger. She responded by saying that none of us are. So she just doesn't get it. All of them are quarantining with their loved ones. They have husbands and children who love them. They get kisses and cuddles and someone to talk to. I don't. I get up in the morning and drive to my office where I spend all day by myself. I drive home and get 5 minutes of interaction with the kids before they all head off to their cave for an evening of movies as a family while I go eat dinner in my room and wait until it's finally time to go to bed and feel like life is just passing me by. So them not getting any younger is TOTALLY different than the situation I'm in and nobody seems to understand that. So I was trying to have somebody of my own and it bombed.

Oh well, tomorrow is Saturday so I have a whole weekend of doing nothing by myself to look forward to. Can't wait to get started.

Maybe I'll take another look at toothbrush guy...

lessons

They say there's no loss without some small gain. I guess that's true, this season has left me with a few important life lessons.

That's what I've learned from my home. I guess people are either going to trust you (the way that you trust them) or they are going to believe the worst and jump to incorrect conclusions no matter what you say or do. And there's really nothing you can do about that except walk away.

This is what I've learned from life. I know I'm vulnerable and lonely and just want someone to care enough to want to get to know me so badly that I'm leaving myself open but luckily, I'm damn strong and I can't be fooled for long. And I think enough of myself to say HELL NO when I realize I'm being played.

And I guess I should say thank you to the virus because I was able to learn this lesson without getting more than my heart involved. No, in retrospect, that isn't entirely true. My heart wasn't fully involved yet, I just wanted to believe it so badly that I was definitely heading there but as we never got a chance to meet, I was probably saved from an actual heartbreak rather than just the scrapes and bruises that I'm dealing with now. At least I know now that my good girl status isn't going to change, if my body gets involved, my heart will be leading the way.

And I wish I could say it was never going to happen again but I'm not going to give up trying to find my person so it's inevitable that I'll meet more jerks along the way until someone with actual integrity steps out of the shadows and into my life.

crash

I honestly thought I was doing better. I went away to a secluded place for Taz's birthday. Just Charlie and me in an empty house and we were close to the beach so we went in the morning and again in the evening when the beach was empty and we could enjoy all that beauty without worrying about germs.

It was peaceful and lovely and a bit of a fantasy. I thought I was feeling strong and I started conversing with someone (online) that I thought was going to play a big part in my future. I really thought things were working out even in all this time of uncertainty. I thought somebody actually cared enough to want to talk to me and laugh with me, someone who wasn't going to ghost. I had such hopes for the future.

But after soaring to new heights, today was the crash as yet another man acted like he's interested and then just isn't. I have yet another one to add to the discard pile and I'm starting to realize the common denominator is me. I'm starting to wonder what Taz ever saw in me, whatever it was, it's gone now and I'm so fucking tired of feeling all alone and unlovable in this life.

And people who I have trusted with my home and my friendship don't seem to be able to reciprocate that trust but tell me that it's all my fault. I know it's not been my imagination and I'm not going to be made to account for every second or feel guilty about not doing anything wrong. Today I was out for 4 hours, completely by myself, and I came home to 2 texts (from 2 different people) asking that I account for myself. I just don't think that's right, I have never once asked them to account for their time since we're all adults but I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of defending myself when I shouldn't have to and I'm really tired of feeling taken advantage of. There are many things to think about for the future and my hope of keeping my beloved home is fading.

It was actually a really good week and I had a lovely first part of my day today but the ending could use some work...however I'm just too discouraged to do anything about it so I'm going to cry myself to sleep and start again in the morning.

song

Charlie had a seizure the other night and that always scares me. She doesn't have them very often, the medication seems to be working but every once in a while one breaks through.

Luckily this time I saw her starting to head into it over on the bed so I went over there, lay down with her and sang her the song that Taz made up for her. I don't know if it helps her or not but I like to think it reminds her of happy times.

It was a short seizure and pretty soon she was out of it and acting like herself again and, once more, I breathed a sigh of relief.

This has been a frustrating week, hitting roadblocks all along the way regarding the banking issues and getting my windshield fixed but I am determined to prevail and make this coming week much better. It's going to be a hard one emotionally since it's Taz's birthday but I'm going to get through it the only way I know and hopefully make him proud of me.

Wish me luck!

18 months

18 months ago today Taz walked out of the front door on his way to work and he never walked back in. The conversation I had with him that morning was the last I would ever be allowed to have. I'm so glad I followed him to the door that morning and wished him a happy day. He wished me the same and, as he always did, told me to drive "bearfully" which was his silly way of saying carefully.

A whole year and a half has gone by since that morning that was so full of promise. It was a Thursday and we had so many plans for that weekend because we were going to celebrate my birthday. I had a whole weekend agenda planned and it was awesome; I'd been working on it for 6 months and I had a fun activity planned for every part of the 2 days.

And I find myself angry when I think about how completely different my life is now. I had a home and a husband and plans and dreams for the future. Now I have a house where I feel unwelcome and invisible and I feel like I have no one there for me on a day to day basis. My boss at work is probably the only one who takes the time to ask me how I'm doing and, quite frankly, as a mental health professional she's a little worried about my home situation. LOL

But I'm not going to dwell on it, I just can't. I don't mark the monthly anniversaries anymore, just the big ones like today. I have to "move on" they tell me and I am. I want to have plans and dreams for the future again although it's a little hard right now when no one even knows what the future will look like.

Every day I take a selfie to keep track of myself, make sure I'm really not as invisible as I feel, and I usually smile a little for the camera and it's an accurate reflection of how I feel at the time but this is how I feel right at this minute and more often than anyone would ever know. I am often overwhelmed and overcome with tears although I only let myself indulge for a little while before I pull it together because that's who I am.

I wish I had some of my distractions back. I got an email from the leader of Nerdy Movie Club basically saying he didn't know when or how we'd ever be able to resume meeting and it just made me so sad. I had finally found a place where I felt like I belonged and it made me happy and I only got to attend 1 meeting before the whole world blew up in our faces.

My chorus, which I love so much, is going to get together to do one song at an outdoor event next Saturday to honor veterans at Memorial Day and I want to be there with them so much but I worry that my tenants will find one more thing to be upset with me about if I go. I don't know why I care, they avoid me like the plague...or like I have the plague...so I don't think it could get any worse but I'm a people pleaser by nature and I don't know how to stop. I did get an email yesterday though about how we'll be spaced out in a big circle around the park rather than crowded on our usual risers and we can wear masks until the actual moment of singing and we're only going to do the one song rather than 2 so I feel like it might be safe so I'm still deciding whether or not to attend. I feel like I need to see their friendly faces because I'm so lonely that I might just break.

I don't think I expected to find myself here a year and a half into all of this. I think I'm stronger than I was, I feel like progress keeps being made, I know all this pandemic stuff is just a temporary setback that's keeping me in limbo, I know I've got this and I will prevail even if I end up being all by myself but right now, right at this moment, I'm sad and I'm feeling a distinct lack of hope. I think I thought I would be further along to my future by now and it annoys me that I'm not and that things are actually worse than they were a year ago at this time.

That sound you just heard, that's me picking myself up off the floor one more time and forging ahead. It's what I do.

battle

Some days you just have to laugh your way through the little battles. 

See this little pump top? It's such a little thing, something so disposable but Taz put it on our bottle of liquid dishwashing soap a couple of years ago. I'm not even sure where it came from but he put it on the soap because it's more convenient to pump rather than pick up the bottle and squeeze soap out. At least I think it's a better way to do it so I've transferred it to each new bottle ever since.

But recently, when the soap bottle got empty, I came home and found not only the bottle in the trash but the pump top as well. Ok, I understand that, the new people in the house don't know the significance of the top. So I fished it out of the trash and put it on the counter, behind a little trash can that only I use so that I could put it on the new bottle of soap when I got a new bottle. It wasn't in the way at all, not bothering anybody.

So imagine my surprise when I came home tonight and it was in the trash again. This isn't the first time I've found my things in the trash or on their way out of the house.

This is a little one-cup coffee maker that I bought for Taz a couple of years ago because he loved having a cup of coffee every day but didn't want to waste a whole pot (and I certainly wasn't going to drink any of that icky stuff) and didn't want to spend the money on a Keurig or those little pods. I found this one at Walmart and he loved it and used it every single day. It means a lot to me, it's one of my happy memories.

But I don't drink coffee so I never used it after he was gone and I made the mistake of saying that to my tenant when he was taking over the kitchen with all of his stuff. What I meant was that he didn't have to keep it out on the counter because I wasn't using it but what he heard was that I didn't want it at all. At least I assume that's what he heard because I came home the next day and this beloved coffee maker was in a box of things that he was donating.

What the actual hell? I'm so glad I saw it before it was gone forever.

Of course I swooped in and rescued my little coffee maker and it now sits on a cabinet in my bathroom so that I can keep it safe. I also rescued some of my other kitchen things from that donation box; even if I didn't need to use them right now, I didn't want somebody else to make the decision to get rid of them. I can't even imagine throwing out someone else's stuff and the more that it happens to me, the more it upsets me. It is not a battle I want to have to keep fighting.

But I prevailed in this particular battle. After I rescued the pump top from the trash (the 2nd time!) I hid it in my bread box until my new bottle of soap was delivered (luckily I had one on order for tonight) and now look at it fulfilling its destiny. It really was a genius move on Taz's part to come up with the idea and I plan on using this pump top on every bottle of soap that I have forever. 

Nope, I'm not overdramatic, why would you think so? ;-)