Love - it's a supercharged word, right?
I heard about a woman, a sister of a co-worker, who had been dating this guy for over 2 years and he was kind of lukewarm about their relationship. He liked her, liked going out with her from time to time, slept with her but wasn't nearly ready to commit to her in any way. They would do things for a while and then he would be too busy to get together for weeks. Keep in mind, these are people in their 50s, not 20s.
I really don't understand that, I don't know why anyone - man or woman - would want that for a relationship. I'm all about taking your time getting to know someone but really spend that time getting to know them, don't play around at a relationship when it suits you. And at my age, I don't want to waste time with someone that I'm not sure about or somebody that I have to talk myself into...or even worse, somebody that I have to convince or cajole into loving me.
I am not a person that agonizes over decisions. I trust my instincts always and they've really never failed me. When I fall in love, I love. I don't second guess it, I enjoy it.
Taz and I were friends for about a year, hanging out in a big group, before we started hanging out just the 2 of us. Our first few dates were fun but we didn't jump into romance...until we did. Once we crossed that line, we were together every day until he died. We stayed over at his place most of the time until his roommates objected and then we decided to get a place of our own. After a little while of that we decided to get married. There was little angst, it was all a natural progression. I never had to worry about whether or not he wanted to make a commitment. The way I look at it, either the other person wants to be with you or they don't and if they don't, it's not worth hanging about hoping they'll change their mind. They're already telling you they don't really want to be with you. I would NEVER want to be with someone that wasn't 100% about me.
So that's my experience with love and it worked pretty well the first time so I don't see a need to change my approach this time. I don't want to be cautious, counting days, weeks and months before next steps are taken. I'm not stupidly reckless but I don't want to be so careful that I miss out on amazing moments.
The words have been said and we're finding it difficult to be apart so much of the time during the week. Weekends are amazing, it's like we live in our own little world and it's always a slap in the face when Monday comes and we have to go back to reality.
But love shouldn't exist only in a vacuum so I think we're getting closer to the point where we have to meet families and make decisions about the near future. We've both expressed our commitment to each other and I'm not afraid to say that I love this man. And I know it's quick but when you know, you know and I've learned that life is unpredictable so I don't intend to waste time worrying about what other people may think.
He makes me laugh, he listens to my worries and offers support, he shares his heart with me, he makes sitting on the couch watching TV the most fun activity in the world, he loves his children and shares them with me, he dreams about our future, he wants to take care of me but also appreciates when I take care of him, he has an ego the size of Texas but can also laugh at himself, he makes my toes curl when he holds me in his arms, he makes me feel delicate, he makes me feel safe and protected but he's also willing to be vulnerable, he always lets me know how much I mean to him, he listens to me babble, he rocks my world when he turns and grins at me, he encourages me to try new things but never pushes me into something that makes me uncomfortable...except vegetables. LOL He is a bit of a health nut but can unbend enough to do a junk food run with me on a Saturday night. He thinks it's funny that I need to be fed on a regular basis or else I get faint but it's never a good idea to put too much on my plate at any sitting or it'll go to waste. He knows the road to my heart is through my favorite soda and an assortment of chips and freshly baked cupcakes never hurt either. He makes me feel like I always matter. He tells me I'm beautiful on a regular basis. He loves Charlie and she loves him. He had a strict no sharing food with a dog policy but sneaks food to Charlie when he thinks I'm not watching. He leaves little gifts and cards on my pillow so that I know he's been thinking about me when we're not together. He makes me happy.
So I guess it's past time to share my latest news - I am no longer alone in the world and I'm so happy.
Chris says we've blown right past the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, whatever dude. It's been a million years since I got to call someone my boyfriend and I'm damn well doing it! LOL
So yeah, Chris, the guy who I was just being friends with turned into something deeper and eventually we decided to try a first date which went really, really well and turned into more dates which turned into weekends.
So for most everybody else 2020 sucks but for me, it's been a good year. Weird, right? And I know this is still early days but I have a pretty good instinct about most things and I'm feeling happy and calm and very loved and that means everything to me.
He, on the other hand, is in for a wild ride because I am not nearly as organized as he is and I consider it my mission to shake his life up a bit. (giggle)
And just in case anybody is keeping track - my virtue has finally been shot to hell and I couldn't be happier.
Charlie is pretty happy too.
Just checking in to say that I'm still good, really happy. I smile a lot more these days.
Taz and I used to eat a lot of this gelato, he had pistachio and I bounced around between a few different flavors. He could never bring himself to throw out any of the containers and they are really nice. I think he had plans to repurpose them to hold nails and screws and things. I eventually had to throw out a bunch of them last year because I needed the cabinet space. I haven't eaten any of this stuff in over a year and a half but finally bought some last week and I remember why we liked it so much. So far I'm still working on this first container, I just enjoy a little taste every couple of days. Taz and I had to work real hard to not eat all of this in just one sitting and it rarely lasted more than 2-3 days. Things change.
Had an unexpected day off from work last week so I made a trip out to a cute little Florida town that I haven't visited in 9 years to get a new shower sponge. They have amazing Greek food there so, of course, I had to have lunch. The tzatziki sauce was just as life-changing as I remembered. It is seriously the best.
Have you ever showered with a natural sponge? There is really nothing like it. I got my first sponge when we visited Tarpon Springs back in 2011 and I loved it so much that I would travel with it from California to Florida every time. I used that thing until it literally fell apart last year. I got another one from Amazon and it's nice but when I showered with my new one from TS last weekend I knew that there was really no comparison. I will only get my sponges from Spongeorama from now on. I know that seems silly but there's just something about the feel of that sponge over my body, kind of a sensual experience. Yeah, I know it's weird but true.
It was HOT there! Summer is definitely here in Florida and I'm not thrilled about that. I really hate summer here.
Except for the pool, I LOVE the pool in summer. The kids and I spent a lot of time in the water on Saturday and it's the perfect way to pass the time since we can't do much of anything else these days.
That's about it from me. There are other things to share but I just want to hold them close to my heart for a little while longer.
Just checking in to say that everything is good and I'm in a happy place.
And it feels good to be there after so long of being either in a bad place or just being so numb that it took too much energy to feel much of anything.
I did a little socializing on Saturday with a coworker. We tried to be very safe with masks before and after the food and kept our distance from each other as we caught up. We used to go out to lunch every couple of weeks back in the pre-pandemic days so we had months of gossip to catch up on. It was nice. And the sushi was THE BOMB...literally, mine was called an Avocado Sushi Bomb. LOL
I decided I needed a little pick me up in the form of new clothes. There's a store not too far from my office that has cute clothes that are affordable. I first discovered one of their stores on a trip to Alabama to see my family last summer. I'd never been in before but I got into town earlier than expected and decided to do a little shopping. I walked out of the store $100 poorer but with a big bag of clothes which seemed like a bargain. I even brought my little sis back with me a day later, she'd never been in there either, and we both found things.
So when I came back to Florida I visited the store near me and found a couple more cute things. I've been in a few more times but never repeated that first experience. But last week I decided to indulge in a little retail therapy and get some cute things for summer. I walked out with another big bag but when I tried them on at home (because the dressing rooms were closed at the store) I didn't like any of them and decided to return all of them which was disappointing.
Monday after work I put Charlie in her bag and back to the store we went. I returned everything but asked for store credit rather than a refund because I was determined to indulge myself with new stuff.
And guys, I found all the cute things I had missed last week! I found 3 dresses and 3 tops including 2 that I'd seen online and looked for in the store last week but couldn't find. I'm going to be freakin' adorable this summer! I also managed to use up all of my store credit AND owe them an additional $3 because I'm awesome like that.
I could hardly wait to get home and try them on, kinda fearful I wouldn't like them either, but I loved everything.
And hopefully I'll have occasion to wear all those clothes this summer while I'm hanging out with Chris...and that's all I'm going to say about that. ;-)
This friend thing is working out really well.
Yesterday afternoon I was frustrated, once again, about a roadblock on the path to getting my mother approved for Medicaid and while talking to Chris (about general stuff) he could hear something in my voice so he asked me to tell him all about whatever was wrong and he'd help if he could.
So I did. And he listened and then, because he's worked in nursing homes, he gave me some great practical advice which was awesome but just having him want to listen and truly want to help was something I've been missing. So many people run the other way and call out "hope it all works out for you" over their shoulder, or even worse, hide in the shadows and watch me struggle.
I've been doing this online thing for almost a month now! It's kind of the COVID equivalent of people watching. I love to see all the different texting styles, the approaches men make, the way they broach certain subjects. I am so not invested in any of the outcomes (I was at the beginning but not anymore) that it's mostly entertainment for me now. I don't really go out anymore so this is pretty much all I have.
There are the ones that don't really know what to say so we end up talking about the weather. A little weather talk is fine especially in Florida where weather is kind of a big deal. But when you've had 10 or more texts and you're still stuck on weather? That's when I just disappear.
If we do get past the weather it seems like we slide into sex (the subject, not the act) pretty darned quickly.
There are the ones that just allude to it - breakfast in bed, waking up next to each other, snoring, deep sleeper vs. light sleeper. Or the guys that claim to LOVE cuddling and snuggling which seems like it's just code for things they may do after they've had sex with me. There was the guy who said he just loved cuddling on the couch watching TV and then texted that he was probably going to get a DVD player for his bedroom. I guess that was just in case the couch stopped being comfortable. ;-)
Others get a little more graphic - Flyboy kept talking about naked swimming. Now I love a good skinny dip but he kept bringing up the whole naked thing over and over. Ok. Now that I think about it, that was probably because, in the course of saying what he was looking for in a girlfriend, he mentioned that she had to be someone that liked lots of sex. LOL I guess it's important to get that out into the open right away. Of course, he might be more of a talker than a doer because when we discovered that my mom lives in the same town as him, he said to let him know the next time I'm down there and we could meet up. So I said that I planned on going next weekend and he couldn't backpedal fast enough and when I said "ok, another time then" he just disappeared. Have I mentioned that men can be stupid jerks? LOLOLOL He was probably married.
And then there are some men who don't allude to anything, they just put the sex topic right on the table and roll around in it. One guy just out and out asked me (after we had been texting a few days) if I enjoy oral sex and if I pleasure myself. Now I'm no prude (far from it) but I admit I blushed a little when I read that text. And I'll bet you're on the edge of your seat waiting for the answers, aren't you?
Sorry, I never satisfy idle curiosity...although I'm pretty sure he enjoyed my answers.
I might be having a little too much fun with the anonymity meeting people online affords me, especially when I know it's someone I have no intention of meeting in person.
Yeah, this whole online thing has been quite the experience but I look forward to meeting people the old fashioned way again soon.
I feel like I'm back in high school again, the boys that I like don't like me and I don't like the ones that like me.
But maybe none of this was designed to help me land a man, maybe it's just to find a friend.
After a day of ghosting on my part, the guy from the video chat the other night (I'll call him Chris, mostly because that's his name LOL) wasn't going away. He wasn't stalkery about it, he just sent me little "how is your day?" texts throughout the day and I just ignored them. And felt guilty about it.
This morning, when he texted good morning, I decided to be adult about it and say goodbye. I played the widow card, telling him that I had thought a lot about it and I wasn't ready yet for a new relationship. I don't actually think this is true (my body is definitely ready for something) but I know I'm not ready for a relationship with him.
He said that was ok and asked if I still wanted to be friends and y'all, I did. He's a really nice guy even if he's not romance material and so we're in the friendzone.
I have no idea what that means exactly. We've texted a little back and forth today as we go about our jobs but I've been texting with other people as well. Let me tell you, some guys out there are such jerks (I "met" one yesterday) it's easy to get your feelings hurt, so it's kind of nice to have somebody out there asking how you are without the pressure of a relationship looming over everything. And it's somebody who already knows what I look like and doesn't think I'm old and fat...or if he does, he keeps it to himself. LOL
Because of one guy I'm texting today (don't see it going anywhere) I'm actually making progress on my list for 2020. Remember this post? It was my list of goals for 2020.
I'm not getting very far on the travel (stupid virus) and my writing hasn't taken off yet (stupid laziness) I'm kind of making progress on getting laid...ahem, I mean dating. I've certainly "met" a lot of men over video but no free dinners. That's disappointing.
But, because of a text conversation I had today, I'm going to take the first steps towards learning to fly! I've identified a ground school course that I can take online which will allow me to pass the FAA test so that I can start flight training at some point. I'm so excited about this! It's something totally different in my life, something I probably never would have thought about doing if Taz was around. And who knows how far I'll get, flying is expensive, but the ground school course isn't too bad (thank you COVID bonus from work) and I will save up money for the first discovery training flight I want to take which won't happen until November (happy birthday to me) so just taking these little baby steps is exciting.
And something I might want to share with a friend, I think I'll go text Chris.
I'm just sad today - sad and discouraged and impatient and frustrated.
I should be working, I definitely have things to do and deadlines looming but instead I've been reading over some old blog posts from years past when my life was normal.
This one Revelation made me smile and then miss Taz so much. He could annoy me a LOT from time to time (of course I never annoyed him, I'm sure LOL) but he showed me how much me loved me every day by cooking and doing a thousand sweet things for me. It wasn't a one way street, I think I did a lot for him as well. That's what you do when you love each other, you take care of each other.
No matter what was going on in our lives, I always ALWAYS knew that I mattered to him. I miss that, I miss mattering to someone. I know I keep saying that, I hate being a broken record but it's just the truth. And each time I put myself out there to find something new for myself and it fails, I feel worse.
The whole quarantine/lock down thing doesn't help. I feel trapped in my house, there is nothing to look forward to and right now I don't see how I can continue to live like this.
I need something to change. I want to travel, I want to go do my research but I feel like I'll be risking my living arrangements if I do any of that and I want things to change on MY terms, not anybody else's.
I'm out of answers at the moment.
