loss

 

A year ago today I walked out of the front door of my house for the very last time.

I was forced to sell it before there was a foreclosure because I wasn't able to pay the mortgage by myself and the people that had been living there with me hadn't paid any rent for months and weren't taking any steps to change that situation. I was able to hold on to it as long as I did because of COVID but those protections were coming to an end and I had no choice.

It was a painful decision to make, giving up the place I'd loved for over 20 years and the last place Taz ever lived. I had hoped that I'd be able to live there with my new family but that didn't work out because of custody issues.

If I'd listened to my mother decades ago and purchased the home owners insurance that paid the house off in the event of the death of a spouse, I'd still have the house. But I was just a young adult and the idea of death was just so far away and improbable.

Stupid, I was.

But I can't change any of it so on to the good news - we cleared out the storage unit where all of the stuff from my house had been stored for over a year! And by "we" I mean Chris did it all, just like he pretty much did a year ago when we moved it all out of the house.

Most of the boxes have gone into our spare room and I'll spend the next year few weeks going through them but the first boxes I'm going to tackle will be my books, my old friends. I figured out that I boxed these books up over 2 years ago, right before the roommates moved in when I was clearing out most of the house for them so I haven't seen these books in a very long time and I miss them.

We bought a new bookcase over the weekend and Chris and the kids surprised me by putting it together while I was driving home from work yesterday. It was such a sweet gesture because they know how much this all means to me.

Having some things from my old house/life around me again is soothing to my soul. Already some of my kitchen stuff is being put to use and some of my decor items are displayed and it makes me smile just to see it all.

It's not easy integrating two households which is probably why we put it off for so long. We've bought some new things this past year that makes some of my things not needed but luckily I work for an organization that houses the homeless so I can always donate the things that I no longer need and they will be part of a fresh start for somebody else.

As I look around at my things snuggled next to Chris's things I know that although there has been a lot of loss in my life, there has been even more gain. I have a new house that we are renovating together, a new family and definitely a new future - one I never could have imagined. There will be more tears along the way, I will always grieve for Taz and our old life but that doesn't mean I won't fully embrace my new life and create many more memories along the way.

On a related note, I REALLY miss my swimming pool especially since I just got a new swimsuit that I'm in love with. I think I see a water park visit in my future!

peace

 

Good morning from my office!

Ever since COVID we've been given the option to work from home part of the time and since I have a very long commute, I've chosen to work from home 3 days a week and in the office the other 2 days. It works out well because I find myself looking forward to my office days as a nice change of pace. I enjoy the interaction with my supervisor because there's always a lot of gossip important news to catch up on.

But my real favorite day of the week is Friday when there is nobody else in the house when I wake up and I can throw on just a shirt and panties and sit in the living room doing my work with absolute peace and quiet.

I value peace a lot, sometimes probably to my own detriment because I have often sought peace at any price. It will come as no surprise to anybody that knew him that Taz had a temper with a capital T. I did not grow up with anyone with a temper so living with Taz's frequent outbursts was an eye-opener for me. He wasn't often mad AT me but he was mad AROUND me and the volume was the same and the yelling battered my soul. I often felt like I was walking on eggshells just waiting for the next thing that set him off. I would plan every aspect of our lives down to the last detail just to make sure there was nothing to upset him but it was always the details I couldn't control that messed up that plan.

Peace is what I crave these days and I'm blessed enough to have it most of the time. No more yelling, no more anger, no more rage, no more walking on eggshells.

Chris shares many traits with Taz, I think they would have liked each other, but his most important trait is what they don't have in common - he brings me peace. He has a temper about stuff in the outside world but he never brings it home. In the almost 2 years we've been together, he's never gotten angry at me and not only that, he's encouraged me to let him know when I'm not all that thrilled with him and we talk about it and he never blames me for feeling that way. It's been refreshing.

I value peace, it's what I crave, and I used to work very hard to have it but now it just comes naturally and that's such a blessing. Our daily life is full of laughter and love and most of the drama comes from the interaction of two growing children who love each other but also get on each other's nerves. Our grownup relationship has plenty of excitement but little drama which maybe explains why when drama does happen it seems magnified for the moment. But quickly we slip back into the peaceful pattern and just enjoy each other's company.

A year ago I was getting ready to sell my house and was busy packing up the last few things. Those things have been in storage this whole time so this weekend it's going to be time to open up the boxes and incorporate more of my things into our home and get rid of the things I really don't need anymore. I think that's one of the reasons I've been feeling a little unsettled, I miss having some of my things around me, especially my books. I've been in a sort of limbo for a long while now and it's time to incorporate the old life and the new and figure out who Jonni is in 2022.

On another note - it's just 7 months until the wedding! I haven't done a lot of planning since we settled on a date and place but now it's finally time to get into high gear wedding planning mode so that's probably what my next few posts will be about.

trust

 

Many years ago Taz dropped a piece of paper on our bedroom floor and I found it. It was an email he had printed out from a former coworker and she was going to be in town (from Virginia) so they were planning on getting together for dinner. It was all innocent, her new husband was along on the trip, except that he had told me he was getting together with his friend Michael that night.

And that was the moment I stopped trusting him. 

Trust is essential in a relationship and I hated second guessing everything he said from that moment on and I truly don't believe he lied often (although there is a night when he was on a trip in Virginia and I couldn't reach him and he never called and he said he accidentally left his phone in the car but that's hard to believe and I'll always wonder if he was fucking his friend Venihlde...) but there was always that seed of doubt and I know it affected our relationship.

 I always asked myself if my life with him was better than it would be without him and the answer was always the same and I stayed and now I have a lifetime of happy memories and only a few bad ones so I can't help but believe I made the right choice.

And now I find myself in the same spot, my trust has been broken over something stupid but if lies are told over something basically (but not completely) innocent then how am I ever to trust that they're not being told over bigger things?

I have been given a guarantee that this will never happen again (and Chris's guarantees are like gold, so much stronger than a promise in his eyes) and otherwise things are great so it seems like the answer is simple...but nothing is really ever simple, is it?

In other news - I have finally gotten around to watching the 2nd season of Emily in Paris on Netflix and I want to visit Paris/France so badly!!

emergency

 

I really should be used to it by now - the idea that life can change on a dime. You get one phone call and everything is different.

Last week started pretty normal. The kids and I had a holiday - no school for them and no work for me so I decided to spend the morning reading on our back deck. I had planned on enjoying this activity by myself since the kids had plenty of things to occupy their time but James thought I probably needed some company and spent the entire morning out there. He was wrong about me needing company, I was really craving some quality alone time but I keep reminding myself that he'll only be this little for so long and that one day I'll turn around and he won't want to spend so much time with me and I'll miss him.

So I gave up and took the kids to the playground, then out to lunch and then back to the playground and then back home where I finally got some reading done while they were off doing their own things. My only company consisted of Charlie and Willow, 2 of my favorite creatures.

It was during this reading/computer time that I came across some information that is a bit of a problem for our relationship but before Chris and I really had an opportunity to discuss it in depth (meaning without kids eavesdropping) he got a phone call which turned our world upside down. His adult daughter was in the hospital with a very serious health issue which usually only happens to older people.

We could only focus on this for the next few days and although we told the kids initially, we didn't want them to worry so we didn't share each new development with them. Cadence responded by organizing a night where we made get well cards for her big sister and that was a momentary distraction but the health crisis was literally the only thing we could think about and by Thursday we were rushing over to the other side of the state to be with her before and while she underwent emergency open heart surgery.

Let me tell you, if you want to lose a whole week's worth of sleep and lose a few pounds by not having an appetite, have your kid go through a life threatening health crisis and surgery that lifts her heart out of her body. From Thursday to Saturday afternoon when we finally got to talk to her in the ICU while she was in recovery, I don't think we ate or slept until we knew she was safe once again. Chris, especially, was under so much stress that we were both afraid he was going to have another heart attack. He lost his first child at 5 years old to a drunk driver and seeing his girl hooked up to machines in the ICU brought back all those memories and feelings. To be honest, it wasn't easy for me to be in ICU either, just walking down the hall hearing the beeps and seeing people lying in bed was definitely hard.

Once she was out of surgery, talking and eating (even though still in ICU) we focused on her son, our grandson, and took him out for a day of fun. He has been a trouper, being shuttled back and forth between cousins, uncles, grandmother and great-grandmother and only able to see his mommy once this past week. He doesn't know the extent (nor would he understand, he's only 5) of what she's gone through and she doesn't want him to see her while she still has tubes in her so he really needed some grandparent fun time and we were happy to provide that. He is such a blessing in my life and I adore the time we get him all to ourselves.

One last trip to ICU and we had to say goodbye and head back home to our jobs. I am beyond exhausted today at work, in fact I fell asleep in my office and woke with a start thinking I was back at the hospital. I got good sleep last night but it's going to take a while to recover from the stress and terror of the past 7 days.

One funny note - I spent a helluva lot of time with Chris's ex in-laws (and ex-wife) this past weekend and not only did we all survive, I think we really like each other so that was a bonus. But then, I'm adorable so what's not to like? ;-)

It's not like everything is normal again now, she has a long road to recovery, will be out of work for a few months and has to find a balance between rest and activity while her body is healing from all it has been through. The good news is that the surgery was successful and she's now better than new. We will have to make frequent weekend trips over to the other side of the state to help out the family who will be devoting themselves to her during the week. She has a great support system with her family and a loving partner so that's a great start.

And now that we're back and the crisis has been averted, I need to deal with the relationship. I dropped the subject while Chris was under so much stress worrying about his daughter but I can't just ignore it because I'd rather be by myself than with someone that I can't trust. I just wish I had somebody to talk to, get a male perspective, because this is new territory for me. It would be easy to sweep it under the rug for now but that's not a long term solution and I don't want to repeat old patterns. Pray for me.

kids

 

It's a dreary, rainy, chilly day here in Florida and I'm working from home with 2 kids that should be in school but they can't because they are off school this week. Because my job is awesome (although equally annoying at times) I am able to work from home from time to time so I have rearranged my schedule to keep an eye on them and still earn a living.

Have you ever tried to keep 2 energetic kids from disrupting your work? It's not easy and I feel like the bad guy every time I have to say "I'm working, you need to go play in your room or outside."

See those feet up there? There's a whole kid buried under that blanket watching a video with his headphones on. He prefers to be out with me and he tries to be good but he just said "mystery meat" which is probably the answer to a question they just asked on his video and he can't help but say it out loud from time to time because he's 7 and he forgets he needs to be quiet.

Originally Chris wanted the kids' mom, who lives 20 minutes away, to take care of them this week during the day while we worked. The woman, who stays home all day every day and hasn't had a job in years, had the audacity, when he asked her on the phone about helping out, to say "what about your old lady?" and the only thing that kept me from snatching the phone out of his hands and letting her know what I thought of her disrespectful comment was the fact that the kids were in the back seat and I make it a point to NEVER say anything about their mother in their presence. But I really wanted to, not only because she called me his old lady but because she has basically acted like I didn't exist for the past year and a half but when she thinks she's about to be inconvenienced suddenly I should be part of the equation and take responsibility? 

I am definitely regretting all the times I've taken the kids shopping for her birthday or Mothers Day and paid for them to get presents for her.

Being a step parent is weird. I have all the responsibility for them - laundry, food, entertainment, school transportation, child care - but I also exist in this gray area where I don't have a say in a lot of things nor do I feel like I am really allowed to correct their behavior or make decisions.

When I started thinking about future romantic relationships, I never imagined having a partner who had elementary school age children. Don't get me wrong, I love these kids with all that I have and I can no longer imagine my life without them but sometimes the idea of doing all this for the next 12 years or so is a little daunting...or maybe just plain exhausting.

Sometimes I just want some time to myself. I want to wake up when I want, eat what and when I want, read books until my eyes ache and watch whatever TV show I want to watch. 

But then I remember that I had a year of that and it was damned lonely and I'm lucky to have so many people that love me.

But seriously, a vacation wouldn't hurt!

At least we've got this little one to provide comic relief throughout the day! This is Willow who adopted us one day.

And now I must go organize lunch for the 3 of us before I go back to work because apparently kids need to eat 3 times a day, every damned day. Who knew? 

Wedding

 

I'm just chilling at home today, doing some work but also dreaming about my wedding and making plans. I can't help it, planning events is my jam and I haven't done it in so long!

I've started making a to do list and feel like we've got a lot of things checked off already.

This whole experience has been a lesson in just believing that things are going to fall into place and stop trying to control everything. I couldn't find a place to hold the ceremony and reception and was stressing and then, suddenly, the perfect place practically landed in my lap and we both loved it and there was no need to look any further.

I started to feel the same sort of stress about picking out a wedding dress. I wanted something unique, didn't want to be a typical bride but still wanted to FEEL like a bride. I also didn't want to spend a whole lot of money on something I would never wear again. I watch a lot of Say Yes To The Dress and I cringe at the outrageous amounts of money spent on wedding dresses and I wasn't going to do that. Heck, I'd rather spend that money on a honeymoon.

So after a few false starts (thank goodness you can return dresses ordered online) I found THE dress on a website. Yes, I would have loved to have the experience of going to a bridal shop and trying on dresses with my nearest and dearest cheering me on but I don't really have any friends or family close by so ordering online and trying the dress on in private seemed like the way to go.

The perfect dress took 4 weeks to arrive and when I got the notice that it had been delivered to my office I was so happy except that no package  had been delivered. Yikes! My boss suggested maybe it had been delivered to the wrong office suite, our office is in the back and sometimes things get dropped off at the completely different company in the front. Sure enough, that's what happened so I finally had the package in my hands. Whew.

But then I had to wait until I got home to try it on and that was a bit of torture. All the waiting was worth it because the dress fits perfectly and it's lovely and I feel like a bride. I actually got teary when trying it on, I had my Say Yes To The Dress moment even if I was all by myself.

And no, I'm not going to post pictures of the whole dress, that little tease up there is all you get. It's lace, off the shoulders, shows my tattoos and I'm wearing a favorite hat from Carmel with it.

Finding my perfect dress after stressing over it was a relief but finding my perfect shoes was easy peasy. I knew I didn't want high heels because I'm a total klutz and I don't want to worry about falling on my wedding day so I figured some sort of flat sandal would be perfect. On a whim I googled skull sandals because we're having a Halloween wedding and we both love skulls and I found these. The original picture showed them in black which was ok with me but then I clicked around and found them in white and "click" I had those babies ordered. I'm not a big fan of bling, there is none on my dress, but I can live with blingy little skulls on my feet! They don't arrive for another month so I have to be patient (I hate being patient) but I know the wait will be worth it.

The next thing I was stressing over was finding some rental houses for our families for the wedding weekend. Plus one of the houses will host our after party. I knew I wanted to rent the house next to my old house for my family so I wanted to find 2 more houses nearby for Chris's extended family and our family. I looked at over a hundred houses last year just trying to find something perfect and got so frustrated that I decided to give it a rest. I told myself that the perfect venue and the perfect dress had presented themselves so the same thing would happen with the houses.

And damned if it didn't happen exactly that way. Last week I started looking again and within an hour I had 3 houses all within walking distance of each other. The house for our family which will also host the after party is decorated with a theme that is just perfect for Chris; it's like it was made for him. It's going to be an awesome after party! Plus it will fit our little family just right. Each adult kid will have their own room and the 2 little kids and our grandson have plenty of room too. There is a pool, hot tub, pool table, air hockey and foosball so it will be a fun and relaxed party after the slightly more formal feel of the ceremony and reception.

Since we have the little kids for that whole week, there won't be a romantic wedding night or honeymoon right away. The best I'm hoping for is that we can ask everybody to stay in the house that night and let us have the hot tub to ourselves for a little while. We'll just enjoy hanging out with all the kids for a day or two, get the littles back to school for the week and then leave on our honeymoon the following week.

We have ideas of where to go on a honeymoon and I've started doing a little planning. More on that later!

2022!

 

Happy New Year!

It's a brand new year and I'm feeling sassy! And you want to know why?

Yepperdoodles, 2022 is the year I'm getting married again and I finally get to plan and have a wedding. Taz and I eloped at the county courthouse and although we had a couple of vow renewals during our 30+ years together, it wasn't the same as having a real wedding so I'm going to enjoy every second of this experience.

But first, time for a few Christmas and New Year memories with my family.

Our little family had a very nice holiday season. We had the kids for the 2nd week of Christmas break so that meant from Christmas morning until they went back to school on January 4. 

That's 12 days.

12 whole freaking days of having to provide 3 meals a day and try to work from home with 2 kids running around OR having to take them to the office and still try to get work done while dealing with constant noise and arguments. Yeah, good times.

It was awesome.

We had a fun Christmas morning with just the 4 of us and then, after opening presents and having a delicious breakfast casserole, we packed up the car and drove to Daytona to spend time with Chris's older kids and our grandson. We also packed up Christmas dinner and brought it with us because we had a condo type place with a full kitchen so we could host everybody. It was wonderful to have us all together and we got to have the grandson overnight so all the kids got to spend hours swimming.

Only one thing marred Christmas weekend, a woman that Chris had considered a mother figure for the past several years passed away on December 26 and he was really shaken by it even though it was not unexpected. 

We still had the kids New Years Eve weekend so we spent it all together at a theme park resort. I, silly fool that I am, had visions of us all taking part in the celebration they were holding in the hotel's food court with balloon animals, movies and watching the ball drop at midnight.

The kids had other ideas and wanted to go swimming so that's what we did until the pool closed at 10. I was a little cranky, I have to admit, because it was a struggle to find dinner and I was starving - the food court had long lines and no food that the kids wanted, Dominos had a 3 hour wait and the grill out by the pool was closed. Luckily Chris came through and found pizza delivery that arrived in just 45 minutes so I was able to eat by 9pm preventing tears...well, most of the tears.

We were back up in the motel room by 10:30 and even though we had every intention of staying up until midnight, we failed. The kids fell asleep on the couch while watching a movie and I just closed my eyes while Chris was watching a football game and playing on his tablet and next thing I knew it was 2am and everybody else was sound asleep and I had missed the new year yet again. I used to ALWAYS be awake (and often partying) at midnight and now I haven't been awake to welcome in the new year since 2017.

Oh well, maybe next year will be more romantic.

On to wedding planning! We got engaged in July and didn't even mention the word wedding for 2 months but in September we got serious and found a venue. Since then I have purchased my wedding dress (I LOVE my dress!!!,) we've compiled a guest list, rented a vacation house where we'll be staying for the wedding weekend and hosting an after party, picked out some of the music and arranged to have some really special Save The Dates made for us to send out to our guest list in February since many people will be traveling to the wedding and need to make arrangements ahead of time.

We still need to figure out what everybody else will be wearing, pick out the menu for the small reception at the venue, choose a cake (my favorite part!) and figure out how we're going to decorate the vacation house for the after party. It's a Halloween wedding after all so I want to go a little wild with the theme.

It's not going to be very traditional - no sit down dinner, no dancing, no throwing of the bouquet and garter. People will be encouraged to change into their swimsuits at the after party and enjoy the pool, hot tub and pool table. I just want to relax and laugh with my family and closest friends...while looking like a princess, of course.

Since so much will be going on this year, I vow to do better with blogging and try to write at least once a week. Don't worry, it won't always be about the wedding; I am so not a bridezilla. I really want to document the ups and downs of life with an unexpected family now that I'm closing in on 2 years of this new adventure.

I also want to document the experience of having a new relationship later in life. It's daunting to start all over again after so many years. Sometimes I miss my old life so much, sometimes I am thrilled to have new experiences, sometimes I wonder if I've taken on more than I can handle, sometimes I'm overwhelmed - either by love or exhaustion, depends on the day. I'm going to try to share all of that with you - the good and the bad.

But for now I'll leave you with a picture of us on Christmas Eve when we took the dogs for a walk at the park. See you again soon!