I was out walking Charlie a few minutes ago (yes, I still bring her in to the office) when it hit me - Friday is Taz's birthday.
And not only is it his birthday, it would have been his 60th birthday. Such a milestone and he never made it.
Cue the waterworks. I stumbled back to my office and I've been off and on crying ever since. I'm just never going to understand why he wasn't allowed to live a full life, why he was cheated out of so many years. Even if I couldn't be in his life, I wish he could have had more years and more experiences. There are so many things he wanted to do, so many places he wanted to visit and that makes me sad...and angry, still.
Maybe it's hitting me because of the number - 60 is a big milestone and it kind of snuck up on me. He was 55 when he died and that's where he's stayed in my head but 60 hits different somehow.
Maybe it's because I'm at a challenging place in my life right now - nothing big, just a thousand little things that make me wonder about my choices some days.
I miss Taz, I miss our life together, I really miss all the traveling we did, I miss sushi...oh, how I miss sushi.
I was going to treat myself to sushi last Friday. I'd had a hard week at work but I had finished all my tasks ahead of the deadline by Thursday so I decided to sneak away from my home office, do a little shopping and then try a new sushi restaurant for lunch. Chris and the kids think sushi is disgusting so I rarely eat it these days but Friday was my day.
Until Chris called at 9 that morning to tell me our daughter wasn't feeling well (he had just picked her and our son up for school at their mom's house because she hasn't had a car for a year but that's a story for another day) so he was going to drop the "sick" child off at our house and she could spend the day resting.
Well fuck. There went all my plans to have a little fun and give myself a treat. Not only did I have to stay home but we didn't have anything to eat or drink in the house (because I was going to go shopping Friday) and I wasn't going to be able to go anywhere to get something now. and trust me, that made me so cranky. As a "mom" I knew it was something I had to do but the princess inside of me was not happy about her plans being disrupted without warning or even consideration. Things didn't get much better in my head when the "sick" daughter came in the house talking a mile a minute wanting to hang out with me in the living room and watch TV rather than go rest in her room so I knew she really wasn't all that sick.
So yeah, sushi is all I can think of right now and thinking about sushi makes me think about Taz because he loved it so much and introduced it to me in China. You'd think it would have been Japan, right? But I've never been to Japan so I actually had my first sushi in Shanghai, China.
I've decided to take this Friday (his birthday) off from work (and you'd better believe I'll be announcing this to the Mr. and telling him he'd better not fuck up my Friday) to go do something nice and relaxing for myself and then go have that sushi lunch in his honor. Maybe I'll even get his favorite - a spider roll.
