How did it get to be 2018 already? Never mind, I know I've missed out on 2 years of blogging and I feel bad about that but can't change it so I march onward.
Which is pretty much how I feel about life - I march onward no matter what's happening around me. These past 2 years have been slowly turning better and I'm grateful for that although often times impatient at all the up and down, 1 step forward 2 steps back aspect of life these days. I do hope that changes.
But the thing that brought me here today is probably a very minor thing but it's had an impact on me.
I put myself out there, stepped out of my comfort zone, tried something new and life rewarded me with a big, fat nothing.
And it hurts.
And I cried myself to sleep over it.
And I woke up crying.
I now have a headache...oh looky, life gave me something after all.
I'll stop being cryptic. For most of my life I've felt rather mediocre. I have no great talents, no skill at crafting or art or business or any of the things I've admired about other people. The only thing I've ever felt I was good at was singing so I've joined various choirs over the years. I have even had a couple of solos recently - 1 at church in 2016 and 1 with a community group last July. I haven't been entirely pleased with my performances at either but I put it down to nerves.
So last week, when auditions were being held for one of many solos for our upcoming concert, I forced myself to participate even though I hate singing in front of my peers. I love singing in front of audiences but the idea that my peers are judging me is enough to send me running for the nearest cave.
Nevertheless, I gave myself several pep talks and stayed for the audition and was pleased with my performance. I realized how much I really wanted one of those solos and I eagerly checked my email each day for the announcement but nothing came. It seemed the director was going to announce the names in rehearsal.
So I sat in rehearsal last night and listened to all the names being called off, including the names of others for the 2 solos I had hoped for. When I realized that my name wasn't going to be called I felt an overwhelming sense of grief. Then came the embarrassment and humiliation. Then I really was afraid I was going to cry right there in public.
I guess it hurts because I really wasn't expecting failure. I honestly thought I was at least as good as everyone else in the audition and better than some. In the end, most everyone in the audition got a solo. I was the only one in my section (alto) that didn't get one and some people were even given more than one solo which limited the pool of available solos. So I am left only to conclude that I wasn't really very good and that is like a knife in the heart of who I thought I was.
I plan on growing from this experience, I just don't know what I've learned yet.
Have I learned that I should keep putting myself out there and auditioning?
Does it mean I should turn my attention to finding something, anything else that I can be good at?
Should I accept that I'm basically mediocre and be happy with that?
And then there's the pressing question - do I want to continue to sing at the concert next month?
I know the mature decision is to stay in the chorus but I have to admit that I really don't want to be mature right now.
Maybe I'll feel differently by the time rehearsal rolls around next week, we'll see.