Wednesday, June 19, 2019

1/2 of my forever

Music is really important in my life. I've been singing since I was a little girl and music is the easiest way to express my emotions. Sometimes a song comes along that seems to speak just to me - this one took my breath away and resulted in a few tears...

For the record, however, I'm not a big fan of American football and nobody needs to shave because I like a little scruff. Otherwise, it's pretty much me, especially hating glitter - can't stand the stuff.

Tuesday, June 18, 2019


When I was about 4 years old the son of my mother's best friend told everyone that he would never marry me because I talked too much.

I don't know what his problem was but literally no one in my life since has accused me of talking too much because I'm really very quiet. On road trips my parents used to joke that maybe they'd left me behind at a gas station because they wouldn't hear from me for hours. I'd much rather have my head buried in a book than talk.

Even Taz thought I was pretty quiet but I know now that whenever I did feel like talking, he was the one I talked to and I miss that so much. I miss talking about silly stuff and I miss talking about the problems of the world. We had such interesting discussions. I miss talking about food and what to do on our next vacation and politics and the next big fashion trend (he could be such a girl sometimes) and how much we wanted to live in California again and music and books and pretty much everything two people could talk about.I must admit that I don't miss talking about money because that was never a fun discussion. LOL

Sometimes I feel like I'm going a little crazy because there's no one to talk to.

And I miss talking about him. I have so many stories, so many memories and there's no one to talk to about them.

But I know that if I started talking about him, I would end up crying pretty quickly. And that's kind of what I would really like right now - someone to cry with.

A lot of the books I've read recently deal with widows, it's not on purpose, I don't go seeking that type of story out. I think it's just an overused plotline these days. But anyway, in all my books the heroine ends up crying and someone gathers her up in his arms (because it's always a guy she's talking to) and just holds her while she cries into his chest and gets it all out.

But that's not real life, is it?

Monday, June 17, 2019

Winter Garden day

Even after a full weekend, I was still feeling pretty disappointed with my job situation so I didn't feel like going into work today and I did something I never do - I called in sick.

What I really wanted to do was spend the whole day on the couch watching trashy TV but my renter didn't have to go into work until noon and I wouldn't feel comfortable wallowing on the couch with her in the house so I decided to spend the morning in one of my favorite Florida towns - Winter Garden.

It's a quaint town built on the rail line and orange groves. It's filled with brick buildings, bike paths and so much history. I would love to have a shop in this town, all the buildings have interior brick accent walls and exposed piping. So much architectural detail; it hits all my aesthetic buttons.

My first stop was Rosallie French cafe. Taz was never convinced of its authenticity even though the owner is from the south of France but that's probably because they didn't sell mille-feuille (that's a Napoleon to American peasants like you and me) which was his all-time favorite French pastry. But I've always liked the place (he really did too) and now it's comforting. Plus, they have a magic mirror in the ladies room that makes me feel beautiful and every girl needs to feel beautiful from time to time.

I LOVE their chocolat chaud (hot chocolate) and today I tried a Croque Rosallie which was quite delicious and very filling. I didn't eat again until dinner. The setting is quite beautiful as well, I found myself feeling serene and happy sitting there. It's really my favorite spot to run away to.

Then it was time to go next door to Adjectives, my favorite shop in the whole world. It's a decorating/shabby chic/bohemian/vintage shop with jewelry under $20. What's not to love.

 They had these hilariously funny tea towels, I couldn't help but giggle and take pictures. I didn't buy them but they definitely describe my life.

Downtown Winter Garden has these bench swings by a fountain and under some beautiful wisteria and they are my favorite place to hang out. I made a silly little video for a friend of mine whose grandson is in the hospital and I just wanted to make her smile.

See how cute this place is?

Swinging was fun but this is summer in Florida so eventually it got too hot to sit there and it was time to go on home. Luckily I had the house to myself for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

I know that tomorrow I have to go in to work and I have to start looking for another job. I know I can't run away from reality forever but it sure was fun to do it today.

And yes, I did get myself a little treat from Adjectives, I just love pretty little things, that pearl choker I'm wearing in the video and picture above was my memento from the day.

Sunday, June 16, 2019


After my disappointing work week, I decided I was going to pamper myself a little this weekend. I've never been very good at the whole pampering thing - I don't like massages or facials or expensive shopping sprees but I really do like pretty toes so I took a little bit of the rent money I've been getting from my boarder and headed off to my favorite day spa.

 I love this place, it's quiet and serene and so very relaxing. I've only been a couple of times so it's a very rare and special treat but gosh, I sure needed it yesterday. Now my toes look like summer! And I had the last couple of dollars on a Starbucks gift card burning a hole in my pocket so I walked my toes down the street for a little sweet treat.

Speaking of my boarder - I'm down to a single digit countdown to the day she leaves! If this was an experiment to see if I could live with a stranger, it was a failure. It's not that she was bad, at all, but as I feared I was so very uncomfortable in my own home. I found myself inventing reasons to spend time away from the house if I knew she was there and I've been so tense lately that I have pain where I never have before. I don't think having her here did my mental health any favors either, I find myself taking more and more naps, and the "extra" money I earned will mostly go to the increased utility bills because she needed the air conditioning so much colder than I usually have it. So, if my continued life in this house depends on living with strangers (because I'd have to rent out at least 2 rooms to make it work financially) then I'd better start packing and figure out how to live out of my car. 

Oh well, all those considerations can be put off for a little while longer. Right now I'm going to concentrate on getting through this week and then it's goodfuckingbye!

Friday, June 14, 2019

paying the price

I sincerely wish I could get on here and talk about all the awesome things that are happening in my life, about how I'm thriving and getting stronger and see nothing but great things in my future. But the reality is that I mostly get through each day by continuing to breath in and out and I have more fears than hopes for the future.

For example - my job. I've mentioned before that I got my part-time job with Taz's blessing and encouragement because he wanted me to enjoy a little bit of life. That was such a special gift and I love the job and I had hoped to stay there till I hit retirement age but part-time doesn't work in my life anymore. So a couple of months ago I approached the CEO of the company (who is up in Virginia and was just down for a visit to our office) about my need to expand my hours and go full-time. She responded positively and I had hope.

But then I waited and waited and waited to hear something and nothing came. So a little over a month ago I approached the boss at my office as well as my direct supervisor and was again given all sorts of encouragement but nothing ever came of it.

So last week I told my supervisor in Virginia that she might as well hold off on training me for advanced duties because I didn't know if I'd be there for very long since I hadn't heard anything. That got a response from the CFO and she wanted to talk to me on the phone. But the things she wrote in that email set off alarms for me and sure enough, our phone call was disappointing.

Turns out nobody had been dealing with any of this. While the CFO kept saying the company was committed to me, it's clear they not only can't justify expanding my position into something full-time, they really haven't given it any thought. She asked me to give her a couple more weeks to talk to people about this, which is what I thought had already been happening for the last 2 1/2 months! They've just left me hanging this whole time because they didn't want to deal with it and it isn't their lives hanging in the balance.

I feel like I've been consistent with each of the 4 people I've spoken to and yet they keep asking me to tell them what I want, as if they have no clue even though I spelled it out in an email as well as verbally. And now I realize that doesn't mean I haven't been clear, they just don't want to hear what I'm saying because they don't want to do it.

And it's been a huge surprise to me that the words full-time are so ambiguous. Each one of them has expressed such surprise that when I say full-time, I actually mean 40 hours even though every other full-time employee in the company works 40 hours and the whole system is set up for 40 hours.

And I know that if it doesn't work out, they'll say too bad, we'll miss Jonni and go on with their lives just the same but their decision will affect my life for better or for worse.

And the worst part is that I actually got my hopes up that things would work out, that I'd be able to stay in a job I really enjoy and not have to start all over again, something I hate. And that's on me, getting my hopes up. I shouldn't have and now I'm paying the price.

Speaking of price, my car has 2 repair issues that I'll be paying the price for and that makes me a little sick to my stomach. I spent the morning chasing around trying to get them fixed to no avail. One repair costs too much (and yet I'm going to have to do it, I just have to get my head around it) and the other problem seems to be difficult to diagnose making me worry it'll be more serious than I originally thought it was.

And I'm trying not to worry, I'm trying to stay positive and hopeful. I really don't want to be one of those people who walks around all woe is me all the time. That's why I turn here, because putting the words to paper helps get them out of my head giving me space for more positive things.

Sunday, June 9, 2019


So, another weekend is coming to a close and I hate that I'm actually happy about that. As I've mentioned before, weekends have become very hard for me because there are endless hours to fill. All of my friends have exciting plans each weekend, or if they don't have exciting plans (and let's face it, they don't always) then they are busy running around or hanging out at home with their families.

And I'm not. I'm hanging out with myself (avoiding my boarder) or running here and there just trying to keep the loneliness from catching up to me. Sometimes, like this past Friday, it catches me no matter how fast I'm running away from it.

So today I distracted myself by going to a favorite store - World Market. There was a World Market near our house in California and Taz and I used to go there all the time. The store has a little bit of everything - international food and wine, furniture, clothing and jewelry to thrill my bohemian soul and unique kitchen stuff that Taz loved. He found his favorite stir fry pan there and loved it so much we bought one for each house. Most of my cutest kitchen decor comes from there, now that I think about it. 

Luckily there is a World Market not too far away from me in Florida and I decided a visit there today was just what I needed to boost my spirits. I love walking into that store, it's just the right blend of exotic and cozy.

While I was looking for a cute knob for my bathroom cabinet, I suddenly noticed the background music - it was some guy singing in French.

You've got to understand, one of the things that first attracted me to Taz was the fact that he had grown up in France. It was always a huge turn-on to hear him say something in French. All through the years I used to ask him to say something, anything in French. Now since I don't actually speak French (despite so many classes) he could have been whispering "you smell like rotting garbage" into my ear and I wouldn't have known and would have responded eagerly.

So hearing that song coming over the speakers made me smile and left me feeling happy on this Sunday. I guess I need to try again with French classes since hearing it spoken brings me joy.

And I found a unique knob for my bathroom cabinet. Score!


Friday, June 7, 2019

ups and downs

I sometimes feel like I'm trapped on a roller coaster with no control over how I'll feel each day. Most days I face life with a fair amount of strength and even some optimism. I guess I'm determined to get through this without losing too much of myself in the process. I like to laugh and have fun and I try to keep doing that.

Just 2 days ago I was determined not to let this beat me so I went to Animal Kingdom after work just to do something fun. I love roller coasters so I got in the "single rider" line to ride Expedition Everest. I'd never done the single rider line, never needed to. It basically means that you are a seat filler when some other group has an uneven number so you're horning in on another family's fun. I guess that's a negative way to look at it. What it means for me is that I didn't have to wait in line for over an hour. I was on the ride in less than 10 minutes, laughing and screaming as the Yeti tries to attack us.

After the ride I had my favorite Animal Kingdom dinner, french fries covered with pulled pork, cheese and bbq sauce. I also allowed myself a little cupcake treat. It was way too much food for me and I didn't finish but it was fun to try!

I had reservations for a safari at 7:15 which I went on even though it had started to rain buckets. I'd never been on a rainy safari before and wondered if I'd see any animals. Boy did I! All of the animals were out, probably enjoying the cool rain. The best part was that all the giraffe (giraffes?) were gathered under some trees so I saw more of them than I've ever seen before. I love giraffes (giraffe?) the most of all animals. My second favorite are elephants and I saw a few of those as well. The only animals that weren't out were the lions. Cats don't like water.

Jonni doesn't like water all that much either and there was a lot of it that night. After the soggy safari I decided to go home but realized I hadn't paid attention to where I had parked the car. There are thousands of cars in the parking lot and I didn't fancy the idea of walking around endlessly in the rain looking for my car. Luckily so many people had left early because of the rain that my little car was practically by itself and easy to find. Whew!

I felt really good that night, felt more like myself than I had in a while. Maybe even started to think that I was getting better, stronger.

And then there are days like today. I had been looking forward to today's Meetup event for a few weeks. I had signed up to join 24 other strangers for lunch at a new British pub and I had met a couple of them before so they weren't complete strangers.

I got there early because my boarder had the day off work and I wanted to get out of the house. I took some pictures around the outside of the restaurant before I went in and asked about a large party that had reserved the Captain's Table. I was taken to a large party but they were way too young and they looked at me as if I had 2 heads and both of them were ugly. I instantly felt stupid and shy, I don't know why, old habits I guess. I couldn't see anybody that I recognized so I went outside to wait in the car since I was a little early. Then I looked at the pictures I'd taken and was surprised to see how low cut my top looked. I think it's just the angle of the camera but it made me feel self conscious to see so much of my boobs hanging out there and that didn't do good things for my self confidence. But I forced myself to go back into the restaurant 15 minutes later and look for my group. No luck, there was no one there. I even waited outside in the heat until past the time when we were supposed to meet. Then I just got mad at myself for trying too hard to meet new people and socialize so I went back to the car to go home. I felt stupid and alone.

But I was also really hungry. I had not eaten anything all morning so that I could enjoy this lunch so I found myself pulling up in front of Pizza Hut for a solitary lunch. I ordered a large pizza like we always used to which is way more than I can eat so I got to bring most of it home and figure that I'll indulge myself all weekend, stuffing my face with pizza before I go back to being a good little girl on Monday.

I found out later the group had met but instead of being inside, like they had said they would be, they all gathered outside on the patio which was way around the corner from the front door so I never saw them. 

Today I don't feel strong. Today I don't feel like I'm getting on with my life. Today I feel like yet another piece of my soul has died.

I can only hope that tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after, I will feel stronger and I'll begin again to find my way.