Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Failure appears to be an option




How did it get to be 2018 already? Never mind, I know I've missed out on 2 years of blogging and I feel bad about that but can't change it so I march onward.


Which is pretty much how I feel about life - I march onward no matter what's happening around me. These past 2 years have been slowly turning better and I'm grateful for that although often times impatient at all the up and down, 1 step forward 2 steps back aspect of life these days. I do hope that changes.


But the thing that brought me here today is probably a very minor thing but it's had an impact on me.


I failed.


I put myself out there, stepped out of my comfort zone, tried something new and life rewarded me with a big, fat nothing.


And it hurts.


And I cried myself to sleep over it.


And I woke up crying.


I now have a headache...oh looky, life gave me something after all.


I'll stop being cryptic. For most of my life I've felt rather mediocre. I have no great talents, no skill at crafting or art or business or any of the things I've admired about other people. The only thing I've ever felt I was good at was singing so I've joined various choirs over the years. I have even had a couple of solos recently - 1 at church in 2016 and 1 with a community group last July. I haven't been entirely pleased with my performances at either but I put it down to nerves.


So last week, when auditions were being held for one of many solos for our upcoming concert, I forced myself to participate even though I hate singing in front of my peers. I love singing in front of audiences but the idea that my peers are judging me is enough to send me running for the nearest cave.


Nevertheless, I gave myself several pep talks and stayed for the audition and was pleased with my performance. I realized how much I really wanted one of those solos and I eagerly checked my email each day for the announcement but nothing came. It seemed the director was going to announce the names in rehearsal.


So I sat in rehearsal last night and listened to all the names being called off, including the names of others for the 2 solos I had hoped for. When I realized that my name wasn't going to be called I felt an overwhelming sense of grief. Then came the embarrassment and humiliation. Then I really was afraid I was going to cry right there in public.


I guess it hurts because I really wasn't expecting failure. I honestly thought I was at least as good as everyone else in the audition and better than some. In the end, most everyone in the audition got a solo. I was the only one in my section (alto) that didn't get one and some people were even given more than one solo which limited the pool of available solos. So I am left only to conclude that I wasn't really very good and that is like a knife in the heart of who I thought I was.


I plan on growing from this experience, I just don't know what I've learned yet.


Have I learned that I should keep putting myself out there and auditioning?


Does it mean I should turn my attention to finding something, anything else that I can be good at?


Should I accept that I'm basically mediocre and be happy with that?


And then there's the pressing question - do I want to continue to sing at the concert next month?


I know the mature decision is to stay in the chorus but I have to admit that I really don't want to be mature right now.


Maybe I'll feel differently by the time rehearsal rolls around next week, we'll see.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Shifu day



This is a hard day (week) for me.

Two years ago today my life was turning upside down. I had handed in my notice to the only job I've ever loved so that we could start a new life in Florida after two years of  hell difficulties. It seemed like a fair trade - my one piece of happiness for security for my family.


But as I was getting ready to move, I realized that my beloved Shifu wasn't himself and on March 27, 2015 it became obvious that he wouldn't be making the move to Florida with us.


We spent a last day with him, drove to the beach, fed him McDonalds hamburgers and fries (the only food he'd eaten in days) and told him how much we loved him. It was a special, very hard, memorable day and I'll always be grateful that we were given the chance to make those memories before we had to say that final goodbye the next day.


For my sanity's sake I don't spend a lot of time looking back to those days but I can't help but think of my little Shifu Peanut this week.















Friday, December 30, 2016

So long 2016!


Somebody has been a very bad blogger, hasn't she?

I really did have all these great plans of documenting our move from California to Florida and all of our adventures in the sunshine state. 

Really, I did!

But somehow my very busy schedule (first full-time job in 20+ years, 2 singing rehearsals each week and being responsible for my 94 year old mother who lives 40 miles away) has kicked my butt and I find myself with no energy to think about anything when I finally get home each night. Heck, for the first time in my adult life, I can barely keep my eyes open past 9pm. I mean, who is this person? I used to make fun (in the nicest way possible, of course) of people that went to bed early and now I am one.

So, despite my best intentions, all those wonderful blog posts about my new Florida life just haven't been written. Which is a shame because we really are having fun in Florida and I want to share it with all of you.

Which leads me to my one and only New Years resolution for 2017 

WRITE!

For the past few weeks I've been getting the same message from the universe - write. 

Maybe there are things to say. Maybe there are things I need to learn. Maybe documenting my weird little journey is what I need to do for myself or someone else. Who knows, I just know I need to write and so somehow I'm going to get a handle on my schedule and make writing a priority.

And take pictures, of course. Here are a couple to get this whole thing started...


See you in 2017! 

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

happy place

Did you miss me?

You might have noticed that I took a little break from blogging. It's not that I didn't have many things to say or that nothing was happening. Just the opposite, there were too many things to say and way too many things happening. I didn't know where to begin and I had no idea what was going to happen so I decided to wait until things were more settled.


In April we had to make a big change in our lives. We packed all our stuff into storage in California, put as much as we could into 2 suitcases and flew off into the unknown...in FLORIDA!

Yeah, you read that right - we're back in Florida. Bet you didn't see that coming, did you? We didn't either but it seemed like the only right thing to do.

It was a scary decision, we came here with no jobs, no idea how we were going to rebuild our lives. Let's face it, we were kind of terrified but excited too because we have always loved Florida. We were also exhausted, moving is not fun.

We've been here 2 months now and life is finally starting to settle into a nice pattern. There are still a couple of major challenges but I've watched God knock down so many hurdles recently, I can't help but feel hopeful.



 

Monday, April 4, 2016

Travels with Charlie: Sunday Stroll



Sometimes our travels take us far and wide and sometimes we don't go very far from home. 

On a recent Sunday we didn't stray very far from home at all. We visited a local shopping center that has a special place in my heart because I worked there at a temp job over the summer. I love all the cute shops and outdoor seating areas.




 As with most of our outdoor shopping areas, the Crossroads is very dog friendly and Charlie enjoys a visit there as long as we don't visit her doctor who is located at the far end of the parking lot. 

She would also prefer that we didn't make her ride in an elevator. She really is not a fan. So, like any good mommy, I made sure to get a picture.



Don't worry, no dogs were forced to ride in elevators in the making of this picture.


She loves to walk on the wide sidewalk and try to visit the stores.


Some of the stores actually encourage her visit.


Of course the reason the hardware store is so pet-friendly probably has something to do with the fact that there is a big pet food store right next door.

On this particular Sunday we weren't looking for hardware or pet food. We were in search of CAKE!


 You see, this year Mr. T and I will celebrate our 30th anniversary. Yeah, I know, I can't believe it's been that many years either. Of course, I'd love to have a nice party with family and friends to mark the occasion, boy how I would love to, but that's not in the cards again this year. So we're doing the only thing we can do - we're eating a boatload of cake all year.

Each month, on our anniversary date, we are getting some form of cake to celebrate. This month we had a coupon to "buy one, get one free" at the cake store so that's just what we did.


Mr. T had chocolate chocolate chip and I chose white chocolate raspberry. He made his last 2 days...I can't say the same. I ate that whole thing in one sitting and wished there was more.

It's probably a good thing we're only celebrating once a month.

It's possible that Charlie pouted a little bit because we didn't share. 


But she'll be ready next week for another big adventure when we Travel with Charlie!

Thursday, December 31, 2015

buh bye



I started to do a "good, bad, & ugly" post for 2015 but I found myself struggling to come up with much good (except for meeting Victoria and finding Charlie) and was overwhelmed with ugly so I decided to stop and just end the year with pictures. This is how I choose to remember 2015.






























best 9 of 2015


Here are my 9 most liked posts on Instagram this year. I wish at least one Florida picture had made the cut, it's mostly Christmas stuff, but each one represents a good memory.

I'll be back later today to reflect on 2015 and let you in on my hopes and dreams for 2016.