weird

There is nothing more soul destroying than having an 8 year old tell you you're weird...over and over and over again.

She's not trying to insult me, she actually likes me, but apparently I'm very weird in her eyes.

Normally I don't think this would bother me, I've never really wanted to be normal; I've always thought of myself as quirky. And yet, right now I'm worried that nobody is ever going to appreciate my quirkiness again and so being told I'm weird is shooting arrows right into my raw heart and it hurts.

I used to feel this way in my 20s and then, miracle of miracles, I found somebody who enjoyed my weird and I didn't worry about it for over 3 decades. I stupidly thought I'd never have to worry about it again. I forgot how it felt to be rejected for who you are.

And yet here I am, feeling vulnerable all over again only now it's worse because I'm in that time of life that renders a woman pretty invisible.

And I'm not even sure I have friends that appreciate my special brand of quirky. More and more I believe they only really appreciate the fact that I have a drivers license and my own car and plenty of free time. It's not like anybody is clamoring to spend time with me just for the pleasure of my company and my sparkling wit. No, people spend an evening with me and then run away, never to be heard from again.

So, I'm too weird.

I know I'm not your typical woman. I don't nag, I'm not high maintenance, I don't get impressed by fancy cars or big houses or expensive restaurants, I'm not all that fond of diamonds - I'd rather wear pearls, I cringe at the word bling, I hate high heels, I love clothes but can't stand trendy. I'd rather watch a documentary on archaeology than an episode of Real Housewives, in fact I'll never watch Real Housewives or any of those stupid "reality" type shows. It actually makes me feel sad that there are people like that out in the world. I love history and feel more comfortable learning about the past than I do in the present. I feel prettier than I ever have in my life but I'm not actually pretty. I'm thinner than I've been in my adult life but I'm definitely not thin. I guess that's a turn off. Whatever. I'm shy and awkward at times. I am goofy and when I get really happy my eyes sparkle and I can't help but do a little dance of joy but the only person that ever saw that was Taz. He thought it was cute. I haven't danced for joy in a long time and there's no sparkle these days. I would rather go to Africa or hiking in the mountains than a fancy resort. I abhor going clubbing or loud parties, I'd rather find a quiet beach and play in the waves or spend a cozy evening curled up on the couch with a good book. And my idea of a perfect day would be being tucked away in a quiet corner of a library surrounded by research books...or just hanging out in Big Sur with the redwoods. Yeah, I can see how none of that would be enticing to the average male.

But I'm not going to change. I simply wouldn't be happy trying to be what the world thinks of as normal. I'm not going to twist myself inside and out just to attract someone. I'm certainly open to learning new things and trying new adventures but if someone doesn't basically like me for who I am right now and want to spend time getting to know me, then fuck them. Which probably isn't the best choice of words because I certainly won't be...but then they wouldn't want to so it's not like I'm making the choice...oh dear, my head hurts now. I'm going to change the subject.

So maybe I'll find someone someday who appreciates my weird. I did once, he loved my quirkiness and I never felt I had to be any different than exactly who I am. I never really realized what a miracle that was.

Or maybe I'll be weird and alone. Who knows. If that's the case then I'll learn to live with it and be happy. Because what's the point of going through life if you're not happy?

At least I've got Charlie. She loves all the weirdness in me and asks for more.

VD

It's almost that time of year again - Valentine's Day. 

Yuck

I used to dread it as a teen, I never seemed to have a boyfriend on that day. I'd have one before, I'd have one after but I was always painfully single on VD, as I took to calling it. I even wrote a whole paper for English class once about how much I hated that day. I got an A. Didn't matter, still hated the day.

Then Taz and I started dating and got engaged on our first VD. Suddenly I didn't hate that day anymore.

Taz proposed all over again in 2011 on the 25th anniversary of our Valentine's Day 1986 proposal.

From then on I thought Valentine's Day was wonderful. Taz was not a romantic man (don't even get me started) most of the time but he felt really strongly about VD. Even when I said I didn't care that much about it, he always made sure we went out to dinner and he always, always, always got me a card. He was awesome at cards, he wrote the sweetest things. Ok, so maybe he was a little romantic.

But there will be no more cards from him, will there? And that stupid day is rolling around again soon. Last year I tried to forget about the day and pretend it didn't exist but my lovely friends broke into my house while I was working and left presents including a beautiful dress which fit perfectly because they'd used trickery to find out my size. By the way, I'm a size smaller this year just in case anyone is reading this. ;-)

This year I'm going to be proactive and have something scheduled to do. Here are my options:

1. Activities taking place that night in a downtown nearby include carriage rides, taking pictures (selfies for me) at a mural wall and listening to live music while visiting the shops and buying myself a small present at my very favorite shop.

2. A Chocolate Crawl in that same downtown. For one price you can visit several local shops/restaurants and receive a sweet treat.

3. Food Truck Friday - a regular event at another local downtown but with the addition of live music. This would be the least Valentiney thing to do since I go to it just about every month.

4. The Sad Widows Club annual VD dinner. That's not the actual name of the club, it's just what I've dubbed it. I've never attended but someone that I sing in chorus with is a member and she handed me a piece of paper on Monday with her name and phone number and all the info about the dinner. Apparently they have met for dinner at a local restaurant on VD for almost a decade now. This would be my least favorite choice because it feels pathetic to me but I'll do it if there's nothing else to do. I get the feeling that all the other members are much older than I am.

This year VD is on a Friday which is traditional date night anyway so it's definitely not a night I want to sit home watching gamer videos.

One cute thing about VD happened last night, though. I was wearing a shirt from last year that says "My dog is my Valentine" (see, I have a sense of humor about it) and my eldest god daughter read that and said "at least this year Charlie won't be your only Valentine because we'll make some cards for you."

My heart just melted, that was so sweet.

I'd still rather have someone (other than Charlie) to kiss though. LOL

moments

I didn't run away this weekend, I stayed home each of the 3 evenings although I did keep myself busy during the day. Was it perfect? No. But there were moments in each of the days of the weekend that were special and that's what I'm going to focus on.

Friday night there were still stupid gamer videos to watch (I'm just never going to enjoy that) so I brought out my laptop and streamed something for me to watch. Eventually I ended up with all 3 kids (and Charlie) on my small loveseat watching the Kids Baking Championship. They were so fascinated by it that we ended up watching it again Saturday morning.

And that's a funny story. So the first weekend we were all living together I got up to take Charlie out at 6, our normal weekday time. I have a door out to the pool deck in my room so we can sneak out without waking up the whole house. Then we came back in and I went back to bed until 8-ish, a little earlier. I got up then and fed Charlie. All the kids were up so after feeding and walking Charlie we all ended up outside and I spent my morning keeping them out of the pool, organizing breakfast, keeping them from fighting, until their parents got up after 9. This happened both last Saturday and Sunday. 

So this weekend I decided to stay in my room even longer. It was nice, I made hot cocoa and enjoyed a little quiet time on the computer. Shortly after 9 I walked out of the room to find all the kids but no parents. We did the Charlie routine and then they begged to watch more of the baking show so that's where their parents found us when they finally emerged from their room...after 10. 

So Sunday I stayed in my room until 10 which did not please Charlie at all because that meant she was getting fed really late but at least my plan worked because there was a parent up fixing breakfast for all the kids. I was already dressed and ready for the day so as soon as I took care of Charlie, I was off.

I made sure I had plenty of things to do on Saturday and Sunday that kept me out of the house. I can handle weekends but I don't want to spend all of our time together even though I think the kids would enjoy it.

Saturday I had plans with my friend at our local tea room. It's been our special place ever since we celebrated my (belated) birthday there early last year. We had plans to celebrate on my actual birthday in 2018 but I was at the hospital making horrible decisions about Taz that day so we waited a couple of months. I'm not sure I felt like celebrating on that day either, it's all a bit of a blur to me, but I remember it being warm and cozy in the tearoom and I appreciated that my friend wanted to help make things better. This year it was just a lovely time; I enjoy that tearoom very much.

I know lots of people make jokes about avocado toast being a silly millennial or hipster thing but I've always liked it and this was one of the best I've had. It kept me full until dinner time.

As I left for my brunch on Saturday morning I was asked if I would be able to help pick the oldest up from a birthday party and then we could all go eat something on Disney property. Since I didn't have any social outing scheduled for later in the afternoon or evening, I agreed. I don't know what they would have done if I *had* had something scheduled and I hate to think I would have canceled something I wanted to do but I'm a people pleaser so it's entirely possible I would have. 

We ended up hanging out at Port Orleans because they have a nice arcade. But that's also the hotel where Taz and I had planned an anniversary celebration for February 2019 that we never got to have and it's the hotel where we spent our last Saturday together, hanging out in the gazebo (I love gazebos, they are so romantic) planning that celebration and dreaming about the fun we would have. Saturday night was my first time back there and it was so hard and painful, especially when I saw the gazebo and imagined hanging out there with him. I didn't want to cry in front of the kids but it was so hard to hide the tears and concentrate on what they were saying.

It's also the hotel where we took a carriage ride on Valentine's Day 2011 and he re-proposed to me. Yeah, being back there was hard.

So Sunday morning I decided to escape for some quality me time at Epcot and enjoy the Festival of the Arts and all the food. 

I left the house just as soon as I took care of Charlie because my transportation skills were required again that afternoon so I didn't have unlimited time to have fun. To save time I decided to not take any purse and stuff everything I needed for the morning in my pockets so that I could skip the bag check line. That was an awesome decision, it made getting into the park so much easier and less stressful.

There's an art festival going on through February and I'd read about a special offering at the funnel cake stand - a peanut butter and jelly funnel cake sandwich so that was the first place I headed. Believe me when I tell you it was awesome. It's peanut butter ice cream between 2 funnel cakes, drizzled with raspberry glaze. Yumola!

All of the art is Disney related so if you're not a big Disney fan it wouldn't appeal. There isn't anything that I would want to buy or display in my house but it's fun to look at.

It's really the food booths that appeal to me. This is the sushi donut from Japan which was delicious, especially the sauces. I got there early before the crowds had really started for the day so I had a big table all to myself. When Joe and I were there last Saturday night it was much more crowded and more difficult to find a place to eat.

Speaking of Joe, he injured his leg while training for next month's marathon so he's out of action as a Disney partner for awhile. I'm not sure he's all that interested anyway. I don't know, I find boys a huge mystery these days. I just know I'm not going to waste my time on anybody that doesn't have time for me. I may be lonely but I'm not stupid.

I got back from Epcot in time to pick my oldest god daughter up at Girl Scouts. She came out of the room and told us that she'd made necklaces for her mother, sister and me. She picked different charms for each of us and my necklace features a passport. It's so perfect, she totally gets my love of travel and I hope I am inspiring that same love in her as well. I think travel is so important and even if I can't do it right now, I will always keep my passport updated to be ready for adventure.

Speaking of adventure, last night we watched a DVD I'd gotten at the library about Amelia Earhart, one of my favorite historical adventurers. The younger 2 kids got a little bored...except for the part where Amelia was  having an affair. Somehow they were paying quite close attention then - "who is that man in bed with Amelia? That doesn't look like her husband. Why is her husband so upset? Why is she kissing that other man?" LOL

My oldest god daughter was very interested in the movie and we were all left hanging at the end. I mean, no spoilers, we all knew what happened to her but you're left feeling unsettled with so many questions.

Which reminds me of how I feel anytime a young-ish person's life ends. Why? Why weren't they given more time? That's certainly how I felt when hearing the news about Kobe Bryant yesterday. It just reminds me that life is temporary, everything can change in an instant. It leaves me determined not to waste time, to grab all the happiness I can. I hold on to the precious moments, I let the bad ones go (most of the time) and I renew my search to find someone to share all of it with. No more wasting time on the idiots who just don't get it or me.

out of control

This has been a really long week, I'm so happy it's Friday and yet, the weekend isn't really anything to look forward to. I'm feeling exhausted and lonely and defeated today.

First of all, what's wrong with me? Something must be because I meet people, think we've gotten along really well and then they just disappear on me. Am I doing something wrong? Am I just basically unlovable? It's becoming a pattern and it's really starting to eat away at my self-esteem. After 30+ years of thinking that I was a pretty awesome person it appears that I'm the only one that thinks that because nobody wants to spend any time with me. It kinda hurts my feelings.

Second, I'm starting to wonder just why I'm holding on so hard to my house. I hate feeling like an intruder in my own house. I can't get used to watching endless You Tube videos of some dude playing video games. I miss my quiet evenings. I think it'll get better when it's warmer and I can just go swim (not that I'll be doing that on my own) but right now I just feel trapped.

I find myself escaping to my room earlier and earlier but then I feel like I'm being rude and anti-social. I keep telling myself it's early days and things will settle down but what will they settle into? When everything is said and done, will anything of me be left?

Saturday and Sunday are coming up and I feel like I need to have an escape plan. I need to be in a place where I can hear myself think. I thought last year was bad, I'm beginning to think this year is going to be even worse. And I really hate thinking that way, I'm trying so hard not to be negative. I'm usually a go with the flow kind of person but right now the rebel inside of me is pitching a fit. I'm tired of going with the flow because it feels more like I'm being buffeted about by the storm. 

That's it - I feel out of control. But I've felt out of control for  a decade now. Our lives were so out of our control with all the unemployment and I never felt like this. I was always able to make peaceful happy moments for us. I don't like feeling this way. 

I need to take control but my options appear to be limited right now so I can't make my life be what I want it to be. I guess I'm going to have to do the best I can with the little I've got to work with.

I know one thing, I'm not going to stay home tonight. It may be running away but that's what I'm going to do because I'm going to explode if I don't.

Wednesday night I escaped to the local sushi restaurant. Taz and I used to go there all the time when we first owned the house. Back then it was called Take Sushi (tah-kay) and we used to call it Tacky Sushi. They had a roll called the Kendo roll that was a total TBO (taste bud orgasm) but it must have belonged to the sushi guy because when he left he took the roll with him. After that they had a couple other owners and the quality went downhill until we just stopped going. On Wednesday I gave it another try and I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed it so much. I ordered Taz's favorite - the spider roll which is deep fried softshell crab. It was perfectly done and delicious and the restaurant was quiet which was exactly what I needed. I think I'm going to make it my regular escape. If I only order 1 roll it isn't too expensive.

I know I'm going to look back on this blog post and regret all this whining but I'm just trying to document everything from this time. Maybe tomorrow I'll have a different perspective and things won't feel so bleak; I truly hope so because this right now just sucks.

Tonight I think I'll go to Disney Springs and walk around. I usually avoid it on a Friday or Saturday night because it's busy and it can be kind of depressing to see everybody out on a date when I'm by myself. There's also the factor that being depressed makes me want to buy things and I can't afford things right now and if I buy something, even something small, it will make it harder to pay my mortgage which will make me even more depressed.

All I really want is someone to go out to dinner with, someone to talk to, someone to laugh with and maybe other things occasionally. I don't want a 24/7 relationship, I'm not trying to tie anyone down to a commitment, I just want a friend. Is that too much to ask?

Actually, it is too much to ask so I guess I'll go to a movie instead. There are a couple of new ones out that look interesting and I've got 2 theaters to choose from that will also feed me.

Right now my life feels a little like an out of control roller coaster but, come to think of it, I really love roller coasters so maybe I'll just embrace the wild and hold on for the ride.

I'm feeling better already...I'm still pissed about people disappearing on me though. They don't know what they're missing; I'm freakin' delightful.

Tuesday stuff

Hello from chilly Florida! I know it's not REALLY cold the way it is in other places (I heard it was 9 degrees in Virginia this morning) but it's cold enough for me, see my boots? 

I'm back at work after a holiday yesterday. It was glorious being able to sleep in for 3 days in a row and yesterday I ran around to the mall to return some dresses that I'd ordered back in December. One dress was a little too much and the other wasn't nearly enough. Luckily I'd ordered a third dress and that one was just right...I feel like Goldilocks.

I ordered the dresses for a Clan gathering (that's what we call our group of friends) but now I'm hoping I'll have an actual date reason to wear it too at some point. Valentines Day would be perfect but I'm not expecting that to happen.

I returned home to the blissful peacefulness of an empty house. My roommates decided to extend their stay at the beach and won't be back until Wednesday afternoon so my house feels like mine again (with several additional boxes in the way) and I'm enjoying it so much. It's hard to believe they've only been moved in for a little over a week, it feels much longer but I didn't have any trouble getting back to my old routines starting on Sunday afternoon.

So over the weekend my new friend (I'll call him Joe) and I hooked up...

...our Disney accounts. Now we can plan spur of the moment trips whenever he is up in this area (he lives 70 miles away) and make reservations for each other. It was nice to have somebody to walk with in the parks. I have gone solo many times and doubtless I will again from time to time but it gets hard and sad to see all the couples walking around and know you used to have that and now you're alone. On Saturday I didn't feel sad and I laughed a lot. For once I didn't feel a little pathetic, walking along by myself in a crowd of people. It was nice to feel normal again and I want to enjoy every bit of this experience whether it lasts long or not.

I'm also having fun being a temporary cat mom. As long as I feed them twice a day and scoop the litter every evening, cats are remarkably easy to take care of.

I did discover yesterday that as much as Charlie likes BlackBerry, she  has a line that should not be crossed. She does not plan on sharing *my* food with anybody. I was eating dinner (pancakes and bacon) and BB kept walking on the back of the couch right by me. It was annoying me a little but it really bugged Charlie and her lip curled up over her tiny teeth as she growled. She is the only one that gets to share my food apparently. Once the food was gone, she was back to being a friend to all.

Here is Loki making a rare appearance. He's getting braver - he even hissed at Charlie yesterday when she got too close. I'm afraid though that it didn't have the effect he intended. Charlie, like many girls, can't resist a bad boy who isn't into her. She took it as a challenge and wanted him even more so now she chases him every time she sees him.

I, on the other hand, won't chase anybody and I'm done with bad boys. I know there are women out there that practically throw themselves at men just to get attention but I'm not one of them. Yes, it hurts when someone doesn't like me as much as I like them or doesn't want to even take the time to get to know me but I don't chase when someone ghosts. So this thing with Joe will last as long as it's meant to and then I'll move on. I just know there's still something real and amazing out there for me.

fortress of solitude

One last note about yesterday - I've been thinking a lot today about love and connections. 

Only once in my life have I felt an instant connection with someone and it actually wasn't with Taz (he and I were friends for over a year before we ever dated) but, unfortunately, the person in question didn't feel the same (or didn't want to) and disappeared from my life as fast as he could. Whatever, his loss.

But I know how a real connection feels and it's awesome. 

I also know what it feels like to really like a person, want to spend more time with them but there isn't that spark, at least not right away. That's how I felt yesterday and I'm pretty sure he felt exactly the same. I know that feelings can grow and change. Once Taz and I embarked on dating, the connection came swift and strong and never left.

But now that I know how the instant connection thing feels, that's what I want and that's what I'm holding out for. I have to believe that's out there for me. I want someone who thinks I'm the most amazing girl they've ever met. Not that I won't enjoy being friends without benefits because who doesn't need an extra friend especially one that enjoys some of the same things you do? 

But until I find that *one* I'm going to make sure I'm taking care of myself in my new living situation. Things have gotten slightly better since my last post about it. The mountain of boxes has been reduced greatly and I don't feel completely trapped, at least not most days. 

I'm learning to remove myself when I'm feeling overwhelmed or there is just too much noise or even if I'm just bored by what everybody else is doing. I'm stocking up on snacks and building my own Fortress of Solitude in my room. It's really very comfortable in there, even the kids say they really like my room. I love my couch, I love watching TV on my laptop or even reading quietly. I think my fortress is going to save me. I need to know I have a place to escape to as I learn how to adjust to all of this.

Things with Charlie and the cats seem to be working out better than we could have hoped. Charlie and BlackBerry not only tolerate each other but they really like each other and spend time hanging out. Charlie likes to kiss BlackBerry often and just a few minutes ago I saw BlackBerry walk over to Charlie, on another couch, and touch noses so she doesn't hate the kisses as much as she pretends to. She's a darling cat and I really enjoy living with her.

Her brother, Loki, is still having trouble settling in, hides all the time and thinks Charlie is the devil. He runs away from her which, of course, just makes her want to chase him. The other night he was sleeping in my room, unbeknownst to me, and you should have seen his face when Charlie and I walked in and shut the door. He dived under my dresser and his mom had to crawl on the floor and pull him out. I felt bad for him, he was so clearly terrified. But he hides all the time, even from the kids, so I don't expect things to get much better on that front. At least we have had no cat/dog confrontations or fights.

Speaking of solitude, I have glorious solitude tonight. The family decided to take advantage of the holiday weekend and go to the beach overnight. I was invited, which was sweet, but they are celebrating a dating anniversary and we would all be sharing a room and seriously, in my current state of deprivation the last thing I need is to see a couple in the next bed spooning each other all night. It might just send me over the edge so that I'd be seeking benefits with my new friendship.

the day after

Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief, I have returned from the date and my virture is still intact. LOL

So bottom line is, I had a great time, lots of laughs, some serious talking and we've made plans to hang out again but that's all it was for now. We were together for 10 hours or so and we still liked each other at the end of all that so I'd call that a success.

This morning I'm so tired though, it might have been the 2...or more...adult beverages that I consumed. Remember I said I hadn't drunk any alcohol in over a year, well I definitely can't say that anymore. Not that I had too many or even felt tipsy but going from 0 to 2 or 3 in one night is probably not a great idea. I did get to try some excellent wine and discovered that a lemon grey goose (vodka) slushie is delicious but strawberry sake is a little too sweet to ever want it again.

And OMG, we had the best dinner at a Japanese place. It was delicious and beautiful!

So there it is, I survived my first outing with a guy. I wasn't even nervous or tongue-tied like I can usually be. I decided to just be as much myself as I could and he could either like me or not. 

dating

Something big happened last night, make a note! I was asked on a date. I can finally say "he slid into my DMs!" LOL

A DATE!

It's low-key, just a fun day at the parks with a man that belongs to an online group that I'm a part of. He lost his wife about 6 years ago so we have things in common and will, no doubt, have lots to talk about. I anticipate a good friendship even if nothing else comes along with that. But if there's more, I'm open to that.

I wasn't sure I was going to write anything about this and maybe I won't ever write much more but since I use this blog for myself, to document this journey that I'm on, I thought it was important to document ALL of it. So I'm nervous, I'm pleased, I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm guilty, I'm confused, I'm ready for this to happen...all of it.

Check back on Saturday night or Sunday to see how it went.

trapped

You know the phrase 'I cried myself to sleep?'

I don't know about anybody else but I find that when I cry in bed, as I did last night, my nasal passages swell up and I can't breathe and then it's impossible to sleep without being able to breathe so I have to spend a lot of time not crying in order for everything to go back to normal, which makes me cry even harder and then I get mad at myself for starting the whole process over again.

Needless to say, it was not my best night ever.

It started out ok. Charlie, I thought, was doing quite well with one of the cats that now lives at our house. She even kissed the cat and there was no bad reaction although you could tell the cat didn't love it...yet.

Then my friends and I went out to yet another cat trivia night, this time at a downtown Orlando location. We ended up winning 2nd prize which surprised us as we felt we hadn't done all that well. The area where the cat cafe is located is not the best, kinda creepy, and I doubt we'll ever go back there but we had a fun-ish time.

But then we came home and I've got to admit that going out 3 nights in a row after a rather stressful weekend has taken a toll on me so I'm beyond exhausted, tired of picking my way through a minefield of crap and feeling out of step with my world. I feel like I'm trapped in this alternate universe that kind of looks like my life but everything is just wrong.

Right now I wonder why I fought so hard to hold on to everything and I miss my old 2018 life so badly that I can barely hold it together. I should probably hold my Fuck Off cup in front of me like a shield.

When we lived in Virginia and I would feel trapped in my life I would say that I wanted to get in the car, turn up the radio really loud and just head west. Then we moved west and lived right on the coast so I used to joke that if I tried heading west I'd run into the ocean in 5 minutes.

Well I'm back in the east now and I'm so tempted to load up Charlie in the car, point it in the direction of the sunset and just keep going.

I don't get this way very often but today I'm just done - with everything and everybody. 

adrift

Well, I survived the first weekend!

Today is my second day back at work. I'm learning a new morning routine which makes things a little challenging. Because I go into work very early (in order to be out in time to pick the kids up from school which I now have to do 2-3 days a week because their parents won't be able to) I have to get ready very quietly so that I don't wake everybody else up, especially B because he works nights. I can be quiet but Charlie tends to bark with excitement when she knows we're almost ready to go to work so I've taken to putting her in the car right after our morning walk and then going back in the house to pack up my lunch and head out the door. I feel bad about this but it can't be helped. Right now the whole morning feels weird and I miss enjoying a cup of cocoa while watching the morning news but I'm sure I'll get used to it eventually.

I think my plan is to keep busy, have plenty of things to do outside of the house while we work through the initial days of this new arrangement and I definitely did that this past weekend. Sunday morning I was out of the house bright and early to take Charlie to her grooming appointment. Well, not a real grooming, she was only getting her nails trimmed but they really needed it. It was cute that they put her name out on the board in front of the store. Of course I pointed it out to her and made her stand in front of the sign for a picture. I'm that kind of a dog mom. We were in and out of that appointment in less than 5 minutes.

Then I was off for a swim with one of my dearest friends. She and her husband live in Ontario, Canada most of the year but they've been coming down to Florida for the winter for over 20 years. It's just an amazing coincidence that we all ended up in the very same town but it's been pretty awesome for almost all of those 20 years to know that we'd have a chance to see each other at least once or twice a year and ever since I moved to Florida it's been a whole lot more than that. I sometimes felt guilty about spending weekend time with her which took away from time with Taz but he always encouraged me to go and when I started working part-time, so that I could swim on weekday afternoons, I made it a weekly event, sometimes even twice a week. He was happy that I had a friend to hang out with in Florida and I was happy that I could still have my weekends with him.

I don't know what I would have done without her last winter. Weekends were so hard for me, all those endless empty hours stretching in front of me, full of grief and pain and wretched loneliness but knowing that I could run down the road just a few miles and go swim with my friend was so helpful. We have always been close but we became heart sisters last year.

Sunday was our first swimming outing since she got back in town, one of many over the next two months. 

It was so lovely to relax and do something completely normal. For a few hours I was able to forget the chaos back at my house and that everything in my life has changed once again. We went out for lunch after our swim and that was a lovely treat from my friends. I don't get out to eat very often and I love it so. I especially love restaurants like Olive Garden where I know the portions are big so I can take half of my entree home and have it later in the week for dinner when grocery funds will be running low before payday.

Back at home I was by myself (with the adorable Charlie) for a little while but then I was called back into action to help with the move. My car was needed to help transport stuff and kids. I think that was the last load and now everything is at our house. 

I honestly don't know where everything is going to go, the garage is full of furniture, the living room is full of boxes, there is just a tiny path from the front door into the kitchen. I have no room for anything because my storage is now limited to my bedroom and that is already bursting at the seams. I'm feeling a wee bit overwhelmed by it all but, hopefully, within a month or two the boxes will have cleared and there will be a path through the garage so that I can start to donate some of my own furniture and make even more space out there. I might as well start getting rid of things, I have a feeling I'm going to eventually need to be a bit of a rolling stone, able to move freely through life without being held down by possessions and memories.

I think I'm feeling adrift right now. I was just getting used to my solitary life (not that I always liked it) and now I don't recognize my life. I don't even know who I am right now.

Wow, I guess that's why I write because I wasn't intending to say that when I started this post. I didn't even know I felt that way. Right now I'm not even letting myself think too much. I know I enjoy my time with the kids, that's when life feels...not normal but happy. But I also miss my routine of coming home after work, which is stressful these days, and just being quiet. There is no quiet with 3 kids even though they're delightful. They always want to be doing something, eating something, talking about something.

And I know it's just as hard for my friends. They had their own home for many years and now they don't. As much as I keep saying it's our house now, I wonder if they'll ever feel that way or will they spend the next year (or more) feeling like they're camping out. I can only imagine how weird they feel right now. We've all lost parts of our lives with this move. I hope I can help them, it's what I'm trying to do by changing my routines to accommodate their lives and also by staying away as much as possible so that they can enjoy time in the house with just their little family.

I had chorus rehearsal last night and it was a potluck (I had stayed up late making a casserole after helping with moving on Sunday night) and I found myself quite happy to walk out the door with my dinner in hand and go do something normal. I have a feeling I'm going to be keeping myself a lot busier from now on and it's definitely time to figure out how to start dating so that I almost always have something to do for right now. You know what my dream is? To meet someone who loves to travel so that I could get away from real life from time to time. Yeah, probably not going to happen but a girl can dream, can't she?

To end on a happy note (because I really don't like being negative) I was taking selfies with Charlie on Friday while I was waiting to pick the kids up from school and when I looked at the one above I realized it looked remarkably similar to a selfie Taz took with Shifu so I put them together. I think I'll get it printed out so I can frame it and put it up in the bedroom. Shifu and Charlie never knew each other but they look very alike and I always thought they would have been such buddies. I miss those 2 guys over there on the left, so much. Oh crap, and now I'm crying. I didn't do that at all over the weekend but I seem to be making up for it yesterday and today. Well, I guess I'm not ending on such a happy note after all but this picture really does make me happy. My little family.