truth again

 

Recently I've been reading some of my old blog posts - specifically ones from 2019. 

That was a hard year, my first after Taz died and before I let other people live in my house and, of course, before COVID changed everything.

I started that year totally broken, I hated spending time on my own so I was trying to fill the hours with any sort of activity. I relied too much on people who probably wished I would just go away but the truth was that I spent 95% of my time alone so I guess I didn't lean on them too much even if they might have felt that way.

As the year went on, I started to get used to being by myself, making my own decisions, doing whatever the hell I wanted to whenever I wanted. Weekends stopped being endless hours of pain and I started to realize I could run around, sightsee or just hang out by the pool and it was no one's decision but mine. There is freedom in that, maybe I didn't appreciate it enough at the time. And the best thing - I could watch whatever I wanted to on TV!

This post, Truth, from 4 years ago really hit me when I read it today especially this part -When I'm not busy distracting myself I realize how very alone I am. It is a literal truth that if I weren't here anymore, no one's life would be negatively impacted...except maybe Charlie. Sure, there might be people who might miss me but only for a fleeting moment but nothing about me not being here anymore would change their lives in any way. 

One of the things I like about keeping a blog is documenting exactly how I felt at a given time because it's easy to forget those intense emotions. Clearly, 4 years ago, I felt lost and alone in the world and I couldn't conceive of a time when I'd feel any different. I was still hanging on to as much of my old life as I could - living in the same house, going to the same job, socializing at Disney where I had so many happy memories. But I wasn't getting enjoyment out of all that, none of it was the same as when Taz was there and I was really only going through the motions, not living.

It was only a matter of time before things had to change and, luckily, they changed so gradually that I was able to retain a little bit of sanity.

As I read those words today I realized that so many things have changed in the last 4 years. I am no longer alone, I do have people in my life who would miss me, their lives would be negatively impacted without me and lives would change.

4 years ago, deep in the midst of the struggle to live through grief, I honestly couldn't see a situation any different than the one I was in and now, it's hard to imagine how I must have felt back then.

It's a truth I need to remember - things change. Just because I felt lost and alone 4 years ago doesn't mean I would always feel that way. Just because I feel rather overwhelmed with the demands of kids right now doesn't mean it'll always be that way. 

Things change because we take steps to make things better. 4 years ago I did whatever I could to meet new people and put myself in new situations. A little over 3 years ago I was so very unhappy with my living situation (those damned roommates that weren't paying rent but felt they had the right to dictate rules about how I lived) that I defied a worldwide pandemic and set about meeting someone new to love and changed my life for all time.

It's all up to me - it was then and it is now. Damned if I'm not about to change a few things.

Bahamas, baby!

 

We went to the Bahamas for our family vacation this year and it was fabulous!

We sailed on Margaritaville at Sea for a 2 night cruise to the Bahamas...yes, the very same one we went on for our honeymoon. It's a smaller and older ship but it had plenty for us. I found another one of those great sales with a buy one, get one and the 3rd and 4th passengers sail for free so we decided to take the kids and make it a real family vacation.

Chris suggested we invite my sister and her family along to join us which was an amazing idea. The best part of the cruise was having her along to make memories with.

Her grandkids had been with her all summer so this was our final summer moment before school started for everybody. The kids were all excited about taking a cruise (and having cousins to play with) but they weren't quite prepared for the fact that sometimes on a ship you have to wait for things like your luggage arriving in the cabin and you have to attend the muster drill even if it's boring.

And so began the 11 year old's descent into pre-teenagerhood. She moped, she drooped, she had an earache that only plagued her when she was bored or hungry but never when there was a swimming pool around...conveniently for her. On our honeymoon cruise we saw every show the ship offered but on this cruise we saw no shows because mopey needed to go back to the cabin each evening right after dinner because she didn't feel good. I was not amused.

Luckily for all of us, she felt peachy keen in the morning we docked in the Bahamas and headed off for our excursion day at a beach resort. There was a lazy river and that's her favorite thing in the world so she wasn't going to miss that. My favorite thing is the beach and I actually went there by myself for most of the morning and it was glorious. Everybody eventually joined me and the 11 year old and I had a marvelous time jumping waves and splashing around and she was feeling just fine.

The resort was gorgeous, everything I wanted the Bahamas to be and it was a wonderful day.

We got back to the ship and we were hungry so we went to the buffet only to find that it wasn't going to open for another hour. We figured it wasn't worth it to go back to the cabin so we sat right at a table, got some drinks and waited.

I guess waiting is too much for an 11 year old and she started to droop once again and then her face was all scrunched up in pain as she looked at us and asked why we had to wait as if we could just snap our fingers and make it all better for her.

The little scrunchy face might have gotten to me if she hadn't just been bragging to her cousin that it was a face she practiced in the mirror to elicit sympathy and get out of doing chores around the house.

Yeah, like that's ever going to work again.

Unfortunately she got herself so worked up that once again we had to leave as soon as we'd eaten and spent the rest of the evening in the cabin because she didn't feel up to doing anything and she's too young to leave by herself. So no shows or dancing or casino for us. I was not happy and have vowed never to take kids on a cruise again. I am glad I have such perfect memories of our honeymoon cruise and had an almost perfect day at the beach this time.

Happier moments from the cruise before we were hit by Hurricane Pre-teen.

All in all, it was a lovely vacation and getting to spend it with my sister made it perfect for me.

Summer fun - part 2

 

And now Part 2 of How I Spent My Summer Vacation although I definitely haven't been on vacation...yet. LOL

Now y'all know I LOVE the Fancy Flea vintage shows and I vowed to make it to every one this year and, so far, I've made good on that promise.

The July show is always my favorite, mostly because it's INSIDE in air conditioning which, in July in Florida, is like being in Heaven. Or maybe it's just that being outside is like being in Hell so inside just feels like Heaven.

Anyway, the show ran Friday and Saturday and I knew we'd be too busy with basketball to get there on Saturday so weeks ago I requested Friday off from work. I went by myself because the kids were with their mother and Chris was working and sometimes it's more fun to visit a vintage show by myself anyway so that I can meander and visit a booth more than once without any particular reason. This show had 2 full convention rooms full of glorious stuff, all quite drool-worthy.

I loved looking at every single item and went around the convention rooms several times but there just wasn't anything I loved enough to spend money on so after a couple of hours in Heaven, I went home empty-handed.

I made up for it, though, because I later went to a local store and treated myself to a couple pieces of clothing. I felt like I had earned it by being so self sacrificing at the Flea.

We all went to see the Barbie movie the next day, even James although he didn't make it into this picture. Cadence and I wore our matching pink Barbie shirts and got quite a bit of attention. I didn't think the movie was as funny as I'd expected it to be so I can't say I loved it but Cadence thought it was AMAZING so I'm glad we all went. Every 3 months Cadence and I have a Girls' Day and this was our special event. We "allowed" the boys to accompany us...mostly because we figured they'd think it was torture and that was funny to us.

And then the next day the most glorious thing happened - we went to the beach!

Chris is not a beach person but the kids and I love it so he drove 2 hours so that we could spend the day splashing in the water and adding to our seashell collection. The weather was perfect with a little breeze (at least until the big rain storm came in later that afternoon) and we had the best time. My little beach loving soul was finally happy and I loved every minute. I am going to insist that we go at least every 2 months because why put up with the horrendous Florida summers if you're not going to enjoy the wonderful Florida beaches?

And that won't be my last beach trip for the summer because we're ending the season with a bang - a real vacation for us and my sister's family. Remember how we took a real quick 2 day honeymoon cruise right after our wedding? Well that cruise line ran a special earlier in the year for 2 for 1 cruises again AND kids were free so we all booked a family vacation right before school starts up again. I've never vacationed with my sister (and her grandkids and her husband) before so this should be all sorts of awesome.

Can't wait to tell you all about it and show pictures!