a year ago

A year ago I was starting to live my best life...and I knew it. I wasn't one of those people who took it for granted, I KNEW I was living the dream and I was so damn grateful.

Taz was 6 months into his dream job. He'd finally found his way back to technology, he was working for people that appreciated his talents and he was making a difference. The only thing he didn't love about his job was that it didn't come with good benefits like life and health insurance but he was working on getting his partners to include that in the budget for the next year by convincing them it was their responsibility to look out for the employees and their families. The irony does not escape me.

I had started my wonderful dream job and loved all of it - the job, my coworkers and my new found free time. After a lot of years of painful struggle I finally had time to enjoy all that we'd worked for.

We were just a week away from an anniversary getaway to the Lakeside Inn complete with dinner on the terrace and a fireworks cruise. I'd even ordered a special cake to celebrate. It ended up being one of our best anniversaries. We were happier than we'd been in a long time.

We were planning our dream vacation for September, the first one we'd been able to take in almost 10 years. For a couple that loved to travel, it had been very hard to give up that part of our life and we were so excited about getting to go someplace again. And it lived up to the hype, it was the best vacation ever.

My sister, although very ill, was still with us and I enjoyed talking to her and seeing her presence on Facebook every day.

A year ago we had finished paying off some obligations and we felt so good about that.

A year ago it felt like we'd been given a second chance to make our dreams come true.

How quickly things change.

Today I got a call from the big bosses at my organization and they offered me the full-time position I'd been seeking. I won't go full-time right away but I'll work my way there. My role and responsibilities will expand quite a bit as well as, I imagine, my stress, but it's a wonderful opportunity.

And I'm happy and relieved and, once again, very grateful, because I know things could have gone differently and I'd be out looking for something new and unknown.

But I'm also grieving my old life because taking this step effectively ends the life that Taz and I were building together; everything will be different from here on out and my new life will be unrecognizable. 

This job in no way pays enough for me to live in my house alone and keep things as they were. I don't have the skills nor experience to command that kind of money and I'm too old to start my career path over again. But, with some creative solutions that are in the works, it will allow me to share my home with others and live in my beloved house for at least the next year or two. After that I have no idea what will happen, maybe I'll have to become the unwelcome relative and go live with family somewhere but I'm not going to think about that until I have to.

For the next year or two my life will be very different from what it has been or even what it is now. There are aspects of it that I'm really looking forward to, most of it I'm looking forward to but right now I grieve all that I've lost. If I could magically go back to last year, I would, so fast.

Even with the help of others living with me, money is going to be tight and that means travel is probably out of the question which makes me think a lot about the guy on the train. He was pretty clear that reaching out to him offered the possibility of foreign travel, cruises, restaurant meals, beach days and lots of sailing. And all of that appeals to me because it's the life that Taz and I used to have and were working our way back to. But that's the wrong motivation, I know that. I sometimes wish I wasn't such a good girl, oh how I would love to feel taken care of and even pampered, but I guess I need to be sensible.

So, I will step out into this new life and see what the future holds. I know there are good things ahead and I'll have to stop looking backwards but, for tonight, I'm grieving and I cry. 

I wish it were a year ago.

dreaming

Last night I woke up around 2am and couldn't get back to sleep because of pain. I was so tense and scrunched up during the last week my boarder was here, I pulled a muscle somewhere between my shoulder blade and left boob and it's healing VERY SLOWLY. It feels like it needs to be stretched out. I have a feeling I know what would stretch it and get rid of that lingering tension but that's not happening anytime soon so I decided to try sleeping on the couch.

To be honest, my 19 year old mattress is not all that comfortable anymore, I can feel all the coils in it, but I don't have the money to replace it (and any money I do have is going towards new tires and fixing the "check engine" light on my car) so my couch is actually more comfortable than my bed.

Taz used to suffer from insomnia at times and whenever he'd wake up in the middle of the night and didn't want to disturb me, he'd trot off to the couch and it always seemed to work because I'd find him sound asleep the next morning.

Maybe I was surrounded by his spirit last night because I was able to find a comfortable position on the couch and slipped back off to sleep pretty quickly where I had the most amazing dream.

I dreamed that I woke up to find Taz in bed with me, seemingly asleep. Then he woke up and that in itself was a wonderful feeling. I was too stunned to say anything at first but Charlie went wild, kissing him all over and he was laughing. Then I found my voice and I had to tell him about what had happened. He seemed pretty cool about the whole "you've been dead for over 7 months" thing, like it was no big deal and he was glad to be there now.

Then we got up and started walking around outside while I told him about all the things that had changed in the world while he'd been gone.

It was a very vivid dream, I don't get those very often, and I just felt surprised and grateful to have him back. It felt very real to be talking with him although I really don't remember any of the conversation. It wasn't like he was giving me advice about life or anything. We were just hanging out. I really, really miss just hanging out.

I woke up while we were still walking and talking so I didn't have to say goodbye. I wasn't sad when I woke up and knew that it had only been a dream. I just felt grateful to get the chance to spend time with him again.

Weird, right? But nice.

good things

I finally have some good things to share, I'm so happy about that!

First of all I have good job news. The CEO of my organization was down from Virginia last week and she assured me that they are definitely working on full-time status for me, that they value me as a vital part of the organization and look forward to expanding my role. I'm so relieved and happy about that. It won't start for another month (which is cutting it close financially but I'll manage) so I'll fully enjoy being part-time while it lasts while knowing that some security is around the corner.

In other news - my boarder has left and I have the house to myself again for now. I instantly feel better not wondering when someone will be coming in the door or worrying about waking her up in the morning. More specifically, worrying that Charlie's barking will wake her up. Her final "gift" to me was coming home at 1:30 am on Thursday, making all sorts of noise getting her stuff together, emptying the refrigerator, finishing up some wash and then the hall light (that I always left on for her) went out and I didn't know if she'd left or gone to bed. She was supposed to leave at 3am but she'd gone back and forth about doing that or staying an extra day so I wondered what I would find when I got up at 6. It was a rather sleepless night for me but amazingly, when I finally got up, all her stuff and her car were gone. It might have been polite to have left a goodbye note but she didn't. I don't imagine I'll ever hear from her again. Good bye! Now I can go back to walking around the house naked.

I didn't have much time to enjoy the solitude on Friday because I did another one of those Meetup things and went on a train trip to Sanford, FL which is 50-ish miles north.

In my head I had this vision of going into this historic train station and buying my tickets from a little old man behind a window. I have obviously watched too many movies because, of course, that's not how it works anymore. The train station is closed up, can't get in there, and you buy your ticket from a machine right next to the train track. It was very easy and efficient but I really miss the romance of the old way.

There were about 30 people in the group. I had met one or two of them before, including the woman that organizes all of these events. She's so sweet and patient with all of us.

I met a few new people this time, everybody is so friendly and I didn't feel weird or shy at all this time so that was a blessing. The train ride took a little over an hour. I sat with a man that I had met before boarding and we talked most of the way. We talked about food and travel. He is recently retired and has several trips planned for the next year. He ended up giving me his phone number if I ever wanted to "reach out."

I won't be reaching out but it's flattering to have someone take an interest.

We arrived in Sanford and boarded a trolley into town because it's too far to walk from the train station especially in the beastly Florida summer heat.

Our group had reservations at a German restaurant. I had looked up the menu online the night before and I really wanted the schnitzel but the portions looked huge and it was more than I could afford so I was very excited to see that they had a much less expensive schnitzel sandwich so I got a taste of what I wanted.

I had purposely found a table away from the guy I sat with on the train. I sat with the one person I did know and met a whole bunch of new women. We had such a fun time, so many laughs. It was almost like being out with friends.

After eating way too much at lunch, my tablemates and I walked across the street for some ice cream (because there is always room for ice cream) and then hopped back on the trolley to the train station and home. Most of the rest of the group hung around the town a little longer but I needed to get home for the next part of my day.

Disney Trivia at the local winery!

A couple of years ago a building rose out of nowhere to become a small winery and bistro just down the street from me. They advertised their first ever trivia night and my best friends, the ones I meet for trivia at the Cat Cafe every month, jumped at the chance to show off our (mostly their) massive amounts of Disney knowledge.

It was a lot of fun, all the tables had Disney centered centerpieces made out of wine bottles. I had asked one of my new friends from lunch to join us because she lives close to the winery too and I think she fit into our little group just fine for the one evening. Of course, our original group of 3 is quite perfect as it is. I don't know what I would do without those girls.

Oh yes, we came in 2nd in the trivia contest! It was a lovely evening. I came home smiling and happier than I've been in a long time. I was also pretty exhausted from such a busy day.

I'm happy I finally got to share some good stuff here. Life is such a funny ride and I'm grateful for the good parts.

1/2 of my forever

Music is really important in my life. I've been singing since I was a little girl and music is the easiest way to express my emotions. Sometimes a song comes along that seems to speak just to me - this one took my breath away and resulted in a few tears...

For the record, however, I'm not a big fan of American football and nobody needs to shave because I like a little scruff. Otherwise, it's pretty much me, especially hating glitter - can't stand the stuff.

talk

When I was about 4 years old the son of my mother's best friend told everyone that he would never marry me because I talked too much.

I don't know what his problem was but literally no one in my life since has accused me of talking too much because I'm really very quiet. On road trips my parents used to joke that maybe they'd left me behind at a gas station because they wouldn't hear from me for hours. I'd much rather have my head buried in a book than talk.

Even Taz thought I was pretty quiet but I know now that whenever I did feel like talking, he was the one I talked to and I miss that so much. I miss talking about silly stuff and I miss talking about the problems of the world. We had such interesting discussions. I miss talking about food and what to do on our next vacation and politics and the next big fashion trend (he could be such a girl sometimes) and how much we wanted to live in California again and music and books and pretty much everything two people could talk about. I must admit that I don't miss talking about money because that was never a fun discussion. LOL

Sometimes I feel like I'm going a little crazy because there's no one to talk to.

And I miss talking about him. I have so many stories, so many memories and there's no one to talk to about them.

But I know that if I started talking about him, I would end up crying pretty quickly. And that's kind of what I would really like right now - someone to cry with.

A lot of the books I've read recently deal with widows, it's not on purpose, I don't go seeking that type of story out. I think it's just an overused plotline these days. But anyway, in all my books the heroine ends up crying and someone gathers her up in his arms (because it's always a guy she's talking to) and just holds her while she cries into his chest and gets it all out.

But that's not real life, is it?

Winter Garden day

Even after a full weekend, I was still feeling pretty disappointed with my job situation so I didn't feel like going into work today and I did something I never do - I called in sick.

What I really wanted to do was spend the whole day on the couch watching trashy TV but my renter didn't have to go into work until noon and I wouldn't feel comfortable wallowing on the couch with her in the house so I decided to spend the morning in one of my favorite Florida towns - Winter Garden.

It's a quaint town built on the rail line and orange groves. It's filled with brick buildings, bike paths and so much history. I would love to have a shop in this town, all the buildings have interior brick accent walls and exposed piping. So much architectural detail; it hits all my aesthetic buttons.

My first stop was Rosallie French cafe. Taz was never convinced of its authenticity even though the owner is from the south of France but that's probably because they didn't sell mille-feuille (that's a Napoleon to American peasants like you and me) which was his all-time favorite French pastry. But I've always liked the place (he really did too) and now it's comforting. Plus, they have a magic mirror in the ladies room that makes me feel beautiful and every girl needs to feel beautiful from time to time.

I LOVE their chocolat chaud (hot chocolate) and today I tried a Croque Rosallie which was quite delicious and very filling. I didn't eat again until dinner. The setting is quite beautiful as well, I found myself feeling serene and happy sitting there. It's really my favorite spot to run away to.

Then it was time to go next door to Adjectives, my favorite shop in the whole world. It's a decorating/shabby chic/bohemian/vintage shop with jewelry under $20. What's not to love.

 They had these hilariously funny tea towels, I couldn't help but giggle and take pictures. I didn't buy them but they definitely describe my life.

Downtown Winter Garden has these bench swings by a fountain and under some beautiful wisteria and they are my favorite place to hang out. I made a silly little video for a friend of mine whose grandson is in the hospital and I just wanted to make her smile.

See how cute this place is?

Swinging was fun but this is summer in Florida so eventually it got too hot to sit there and it was time to go on home. Luckily I had the house to myself for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

I know that tomorrow I have to go in to work and I have to start looking for another job. I know I can't run away from reality forever but it sure was fun to do it today.

And yes, I did get myself a little treat from Adjectives, I just love pretty little things, that pearl choker I'm wearing in the video and picture above was my memento from the day.

pamper

After my disappointing work week, I decided I was going to pamper myself a little this weekend. I've never been very good at the whole pampering thing - I don't like massages or facials or expensive shopping sprees but I really do like pretty toes so I took a little bit of the rent money I've been getting from my boarder and headed off to my favorite day spa.

 I love this place, it's quiet and serene and so very relaxing. I've only been a couple of times so it's a very rare and special treat but gosh, I sure needed it yesterday. Now my toes look like summer! And I had the last couple of dollars on a Starbucks gift card burning a hole in my pocket so I walked my toes down the street for a little sweet treat.

Speaking of my boarder - I'm down to a single digit countdown to the day she leaves! If this was an experiment to see if I could live with a stranger, it was a failure. It's not that she was bad, at all, but as I feared I was so very uncomfortable in my own home. I found myself inventing reasons to spend time away from the house if I knew she was there and I've been so tense lately that I have pain where I never have before. I don't think having her here did my mental health any favors either, I find myself taking more and more naps, and the "extra" money I earned will mostly go to the increased utility bills because she needed the air conditioning so much colder than I usually have it. So, if my continued life in this house depends on living with strangers (because I'd have to rent out at least 2 rooms to make it work financially) then I'd better start packing and figure out how to live out of my car. 

Oh well, all those considerations can be put off for a little while longer. Right now I'm going to concentrate on getting through this week and then it's goodfuckingbye!

paying the price

I sincerely wish I could get on here and talk about all the awesome things that are happening in my life, about how I'm thriving and getting stronger and see nothing but great things in my future. But the reality is that I mostly get through each day by continuing to breath in and out and I have more fears than hopes for the future.

For example - my job. I've mentioned before that I got my part-time job with Taz's blessing and encouragement because he wanted me to enjoy a little bit of life. That was such a special gift and I love the job and I had hoped to stay there till I hit retirement age but part-time doesn't work in my life anymore. So a couple of months ago I approached the CEO of the company (who is up in Virginia and was just down for a visit to our office) about my need to expand my hours and go full-time. She responded positively and I had hope.

But then I waited and waited and waited to hear something and nothing came. So a little over a month ago I approached the boss at my office as well as my direct supervisor and was again given all sorts of encouragement but nothing ever came of it.

So last week I told my supervisor in Virginia that she might as well hold off on training me for advanced duties because I didn't know if I'd be there for very long since I hadn't heard anything. That got a response from the CFO and she wanted to talk to me on the phone. But the things she wrote in that email set off alarms for me and sure enough, our phone call was disappointing.

Turns out nobody had been dealing with any of this. While the CFO kept saying the company was committed to me, it's clear they not only can't justify expanding my position into something full-time, they really haven't given it any thought. She asked me to give her a couple more weeks to talk to people about this, which is what I thought had already been happening for the last 2 1/2 months! They've just left me hanging this whole time because they didn't want to deal with it and it isn't their lives hanging in the balance.

I feel like I've been consistent with each of the 4 people I've spoken to and yet they keep asking me to tell them what I want, as if they have no clue even though I spelled it out in an email as well as verbally. And now I realize that doesn't mean I haven't been clear, they just don't want to hear what I'm saying because they don't want to do it.

And it's been a huge surprise to me that the words full-time are so ambiguous. Each one of them has expressed such surprise that when I say full-time, I actually mean 40 hours even though every other full-time employee in the company works 40 hours and the whole system is set up for 40 hours.

And I know that if it doesn't work out, they'll say too bad, we'll miss Jonni and go on with their lives just the same but their decision will affect my life for better or for worse.

And the worst part is that I actually got my hopes up that things would work out, that I'd be able to stay in a job I really enjoy and not have to start all over again, something I hate. And that's on me, getting my hopes up. I shouldn't have and now I'm paying the price.

Speaking of price, my car has 2 repair issues that I'll be paying the price for and that makes me a little sick to my stomach. I spent the morning chasing around trying to get them fixed to no avail. One repair costs too much (and yet I'm going to have to do it, I just have to get my head around it) and the other problem seems to be difficult to diagnose making me worry it'll be more serious than I originally thought it was.

And I'm trying not to worry, I'm trying to stay positive and hopeful. I really don't want to be one of those people who walks around all woe is me all the time. That's why I turn here, because putting the words to paper helps get them out of my head giving me space for more positive things.

bonjour

So, another weekend is coming to a close and I hate that I'm actually happy about that. As I've mentioned before, weekends have become very hard for me because there are endless hours to fill. All of my friends have exciting plans each weekend, or if they don't have exciting plans (and let's face it, they don't always) then they are busy running around or hanging out at home with their families.

And I'm not. I'm hanging out with myself (avoiding my boarder) or running here and there just trying to keep the loneliness from catching up to me. Sometimes, like this past Friday, it catches me no matter how fast I'm running away from it.

So today I distracted myself by going to a favorite store - World Market. There was a World Market near our house in California and Taz and I used to go there all the time. The store has a little bit of everything - international food and wine, furniture, clothing and jewelry to thrill my bohemian soul and unique kitchen stuff that Taz loved. He found his favorite stir fry pan there and loved it so much we bought one for each house. Most of my cutest kitchen decor comes from there, now that I think about it. 

Luckily there is a World Market not too far away from me in Florida and I decided a visit there today was just what I needed to boost my spirits. I love walking into that store, it's just the right blend of exotic and cozy.

While I was looking for a cute knob for my bathroom cabinet, I suddenly noticed the background music - it was some guy singing in French.

You've got to understand, one of the things that first attracted me to Taz was the fact that he had grown up in France. It was always a huge turn-on to hear him say something in French. All through the years I used to ask him to say something, anything in French. Now since I don't actually speak French (despite so many classes) he could have been whispering "you smell like rotting garbage" into my ear and I wouldn't have known and would have responded eagerly.

So hearing that song coming over the speakers made me smile and left me feeling happy on this Sunday. I guess I need to try again with French classes since hearing it spoken brings me joy.

And I found a unique knob for my bathroom cabinet. Score!

 

ups and downs

I sometimes feel like I'm trapped on a roller coaster with no control over how I'll feel each day. Most days I face life with a fair amount of strength and even some optimism. I guess I'm determined to get through this without losing too much of myself in the process. I like to laugh and have fun and I try to keep doing that.

Just 2 days ago I was determined not to let this beat me so I went to Animal Kingdom after work just to do something fun. I love roller coasters so I got in the "single rider" line to ride Expedition Everest. I'd never done the single rider line, never needed to. It basically means that you are a seat filler when some other group has an uneven number so you're horning in on another family's fun. I guess that's a negative way to look at it. What it means for me is that I didn't have to wait in line for over an hour. I was on the ride in less than 10 minutes, laughing and screaming as the Yeti tries to attack us.

After the ride I had my favorite Animal Kingdom dinner, french fries covered with pulled pork, cheese and bbq sauce. I also allowed myself a little cupcake treat. It was way too much food for me and I didn't finish but it was fun to try!


I had reservations for a safari at 7:15 which I went on even though it had started to rain buckets. I'd never been on a rainy safari before and wondered if I'd see any animals. Boy did I! All of the animals were out, probably enjoying the cool rain. The best part was that all the giraffe (giraffes?) were gathered under some trees so I saw more of them than I've ever seen before. I love giraffes (giraffe?) the most of all animals. My second favorite are elephants and I saw a few of those as well. The only animals that weren't out were the lions. Cats don't like water.

Jonni doesn't like water all that much either and there was a lot of it that night. After the soggy safari I decided to go home but realized I hadn't paid attention to where I had parked the car. There are thousands of cars in the parking lot and I didn't fancy the idea of walking around endlessly in the rain looking for my car. Luckily so many people had left early because of the rain that my little car was practically by itself and easy to find. Whew!

I felt really good that night, felt more like myself than I had in a while. Maybe even started to think that I was getting better, stronger.

And then there are days like today. I had been looking forward to today's Meetup event for a few weeks. I had signed up to join 24 other strangers for lunch at a new British pub and I had met a couple of them before so they weren't complete strangers.

I got there early because my boarder had the day off work and I wanted to get out of the house. I took some pictures around the outside of the restaurant before I went in and asked about a large party that had reserved the Captain's Table. I was taken to a large party but they were way too young and they looked at me as if I had 2 heads and both of them were ugly. I instantly felt stupid and shy, I don't know why, old habits I guess. I couldn't see anybody that I recognized so I went outside to wait in the car since I was a little early. Then I looked at the pictures I'd taken and was surprised to see how low cut my top looked. I think it's just the angle of the camera but it made me feel self conscious to see so much of my boobs hanging out there and that didn't do good things for my self confidence. But I forced myself to go back into the restaurant 15 minutes later and look for my group. No luck, there was no one there. I even waited outside in the heat until past the time when we were supposed to meet. Then I just got mad at myself for trying too hard to meet new people and socialize so I went back to the car to go home. I felt stupid and alone.

But I was also really hungry. I had not eaten anything all morning so that I could enjoy this lunch so I found myself pulling up in front of Pizza Hut for a solitary lunch. I ordered a large pizza like we always used to which is way more than I can eat so I got to bring most of it home and figure that I'll indulge myself all weekend, stuffing my face with pizza before I go back to being a good little girl on Monday.

I found out later the group had met but instead of being inside, like they had said they would be, they all gathered outside on the patio which was way around the corner from the front door so I never saw them. 

Today I don't feel strong. Today I don't feel like I'm getting on with my life. Today I feel like yet another piece of my soul has died.

I can only hope that tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after, I will feel stronger and I'll begin again to find my way.

luau

I attended another one of those Meetup things last week, this time it was to go see a luau on Disney property. 

Hawaii was a really special place for Taz and me. I'd been a couple of times as a kid and loved it. As an adult in Virginia, when we were first married, I'd get "homesick" for Hawaii every January, right in the midst of the cold, snowy, gray winter so I'd send away for travel brochures and plan our perfect getaway. It became a running joke between the two of us - if I was looking at Hawaii brochures (and later websites) it must be January! It only took us about 25 years to finally get there. LOL

Taz loved Hawaii just as much as I did and we were lucky enough to go twice. This is the only picture I have of the 2 of us together there and I can't even find it right now on my phone so I had to take a screenshot of my Instagram account. I love the picture though, we look so happy and we did have an awesome time. We really loved everything about Hawaii - Taz especially loved the food.

Anyway, because we loved Hawaii so much, I still have a near obsession with it although I know it's unlikely that I'll ever get to go there again so going to a luau seemed like a great way to scratch that itch. Especially since it was half price!

 I got all dressed up in a colorful tropical dress and even found a flower for my hair.

There were about 50 people in our group all together so we took up the whole upper section of the luau grounds. I sat next to a nice woman who was all by herself as well so we talked off and on throughout the evening.

 Worst food shot ever! They put platters of food in front of us and I took a picture but didn't think to check it before I put my phone away so all I got was a very blurry picture of chicken and ribs. The food tasted much better than it looks in this photo, that's for sure. For an all you can eat buffet for several hundred people, they did a pretty good job. The chicken had a chimichurri sauce that was delicious and the ribs had a tasty sweet bbq sauce. There was also pulled pork (probably not cooked in a pit in the ground the way it is in Hawaii but still good) along with rice and noodles. I didn't waste a picture (blurry or not) on the dessert as it was the smallest piece of cake ever that they expected 4 of us (at each table) to share.

And then the show started and it was a lot of fun. All luaus are somewhat cheesy and this one was no different but the music was good and the dancing was entertaining. I wish I had pictures but we were sitting so far back and I wanted to just watch and enjoy. Here are some pictures I took afterwards of the luau grounds.

I had a really good time, didn't mind being by myself, and it was a lovely evening. It wasn't a trip to Hawaii (wouldn't that be nice about now?) but it was the next best thing.

I'm so glad I had a good experience that night because I just got back from a failed Meetup experience today that has left me feeling defeated and sad and lonely so it's good to look back and remember a better experience.

evolving

I don't even know how to say this but tonight, while making a fried egg sandwich for dinner, I had a random thought.

My life with Taz is over.

Now that's weird, right? Because technically speaking, my life with Taz ended 6 1/2 months ago.

But it was just this idea that no matter how hard I fight to hold on to "our" life, keep things as normal as possible, keep doing the things that we would have done together, it's a losing battle. 

There is no "our life" anymore. There is just "my life" and I have to figure out how to live it.

Our house, that I love so much, is now my house. It has to evolve, I can't keep it like a time capsule. There is no point in living as if Taz is going to step back into the house at any time. He's not. And it hurts so much to type those words but that is the reality I have to come to terms with no matter how much I  might hate it.

Taz doesn't live here any more. Right now I live here with a renter. Later I will live here alone again. At some point in the future there might be other people living here and it will be their house as much as mine. Things change. Life changes. Some changes are even exciting.

I've always been a loner. Taz was a loner too and we understood that about each other so we meshed our lives together well. But, interestingly enough, I don't think I'm a loner anymore. I want to live a life filled with the energy of other people. Not just any people but people that I love.

Love - that's a super charged word, isn't it? I hesitate to even bring it up because maybe it's too soon to be thinking this way but I hope that one day there will be someone to love me again.

I had a pretty darn good marriage. Of course it wasn't perfect because Taz wasn't perfect and apparently I'm not either...although I would dispute that. LOL So because I had a good marriage, I really miss it and long for that kind of connection again. Not that I would have to get married again, not sure how I feel about that, but some sort of commitment would be lovely.

Not that I'm going to go out looking for anything like that anytime soon, I can't even imagine, and I really don't want to go looking at all. I'd really like it to just happen. Realistically, it may never even happen. There are SO MANY single women out there my age and even younger. It's probably stupid of me to think that anybody out there is going to want me and love me. But I guess I'll always be hoping.

And I know I'm rambling and maybe I've shocked people by having these sorts of thoughts so soon but it's just the crap that runs through my mind. I know life has to change, it already is changing and so my mind runs on ahead. 

But for now, I need to evolve and my house needs to evolve and my thoughts need to spend more time in the future and less in the past. I will always honor and cherish the past, it was so amazing, but I can't live there anymore.

 

snake

All along I've been treating this blog as a place to talk about my true feelings on this widow path, a place where I could unload and vent and recap and maintain at least a slight hold on my sanity because so very often I feel like I'm going under and I might not survive. But now I know it's not the safe space I thought it was and I will make changes accordingly.

So let me tell you about what happened today.

Yesterday, instead of hanging out in the house with my renter (who wasn't going in to work until 4pm) I went to a movie and then grocery shopping and then driving around aimlessly until the coast was clear.

Today I decided that was stupid so I forced myself to stay home all day and do what I usually like to do on a Saturday - swim.

All was going well, I made myself some lunch, went in the pool a couple of times and then was reading on my chair when I happened to look over at the pool and saw this

Yes, that's a snake...in my pool! Yikes!!

The only other time there's been a snake in the pool (2 summers ago, I think) all I did was shout "SNAKE!" and my devoted husband came out and scooped him up and took him far away from me. I thought that was a perfect solution.

So, I have to admit, I've worried about this for 6 months, what was I going to do if/when the snake situation happened again and I don't have a devoted husband to rescue me?

Just last weekend I even asked a friend how he felt about snake removal just to see if there was someone I could call. I already knew I couldn't count on the lawn guy, he'd told me he screamed like a little girl at the sight of a snake.

But now that I was faced with it, I knew I couldn't bother someone else with my problem so the only person that was going to rescue me, was me.

My first concern was Charlie. It was just a little snake but I worried that if I dropped it and Charlie startled it, the bite could cause her harm and I couldn't deal with that. So I herded her in the house and shut the door. She watched through the window and gave me moral support.

At first I tried the pool net by itself but the short handle meant I was entirely too close to the snake for comfort so I attached the net to the long handle, keeping in mind Taz's concerns that the end of the long handle is old and broken and very sharp. I managed to attach the pool net without too much blood shed and started circling the pool to find the snake who was hiding by now.

My neighbor, the one who kissed me back in January, had been hanging out in his pool all day, staring at me from time to time, said hi and asked how I was so I told him I was good but there was a snake in my pool. He laughed and turned away. Not that I would have accepted his help anyway but it would have been nice if he'd offered. Ok, well back to me.

It took a few tries, snakes do not like being scooped up - who knew? - but I finally got the little sucker. I had already opened both of the screen doors so that I could make a quick getaway before the damned snake slithered up the handle and onto my arm. I ran out the door and plopped the snake over the fence into the backyard of the empty vacation house next to me. I *wanted* to dump the snake into the pool of my unhelpful next door neighbor but I managed to refrain myself. I also managed to do all of this without screaming, not even once.

So there, I did it. I managed to deal with a snake (yucky!) all by myself...without a man. Aren't I a brave, strong, independent woman?

Truth be told, I'd rather have a man.