moving forward

 

I've been thinking a lot about 'moving forward' lately especially since I've been hanging out with people I hadn't seen in a while.

What's the acceptable way to deal with a devastating loss but also move into the next chapter with happiness? It felt a little weird to be spending time with my friends, laughing and joking about my new life, new family, new beginning when the last time I saw them Taz was a part of the party and none of us could have imagined what was about to happen.

How does it look to them to see me laughing and happy with another man? They weren't there for the years of loneliness, when I couldn't make it through a single day without tears. They didn't see the nights I would stay up watching mindless television until late until I was exhausted so that I could slip into bed assured I would fall asleep and not think too much. They weren't there when I broke my arm and had to deal with the pain and the inability to even dress myself, knowing that if Taz had been around it would have been so much easier.

And I know they aren't judging me harshly but how does it look to them to see me laughing and kissing another man who is really nothing like Taz, except they both talk a lot. LOL Does it repulse them a little? Do they wonder if I have a heart?

Because if the tables were turned, I wonder how I'd feel. And yet, that's exactly the position I'm in with my brother in law and I feel nothing but happiness for his new found love. But I was also there for the entire 4 years since my sister died so I know how much he missed her and how hard it was for him. If I hadn't seen him in all those years and he suddenly turned up with this new woman that makes him giggle and act ever so slightly inappropriately horny, I might have to tell my judgey side to shut up.

I think my mind goes to these places because the wedding is getting so close. I will be so happy on that day to take vows that bind me to Chris and the kids and our life together but I know that I will also be thinking of Taz. How could I not? Moving forward with my life is one more step of leaving my life with him behind and I can't help but have feelings about that. Nothing happens in a vacuum, I can't exist solely in this new life and I wouldn't want to but nobody really knows this but me. I think people only see me completely wrapped up in the here and now.

But I know the truth, I know that the hat I'll be wearing at the wedding is one that Taz bought for me just a couple of months before he died. I'll know that it came from Carmel, our town. It's my little way of keeping his memory close even as I move forward with this life I've been given.

And I've been blessed to meet a man who is ok with all of that, who understands loss and isn't threatened by me mentioning Taz's name or talking about our memories.

On a completely unrelated note - I love my new seat covers and they match the flower magnets on the car. I love my little car and I'm so happy to finally have it back. I was without it most of the year because I was trying to help someone out but I didn't realize how not having it would affect me, it felt like I had lost my independence or something so I appreciate every day I get to drive it now!

August

 

Want to know why I'm so excited today? I just booked my hotel room up near the ceremony site for the night before the wedding and that makes everything seem VERY real.

Christopher doesn't want to see me the day of the wedding so I'm going to greet all of our family that will be arriving on that Friday and then somehow get myself up an hour away to spend a quiet evening contemplating the big step I'm about to take. There's an Applebees on property so I might even throw myself a little one person bachelorette party there and treat myself to an adult beverage or I could get really wild and go to the 7-11 to overindulge in Slurpees!

August has been super-dooper awesome for me, I must say. First my friend Zoie came down from West Virginia with 3 of her 4 kids and we met up at Sea World. We haven't seen each other in a little over 2 years, right before COVID hit and so many things have changed in my life since then. Zoie was in Florida a little over a month after Taz died and she included me in all of her plans. I would meet her and the kids at the theme park and hang out with them all day until I just ran out of energy (I had little reserves back then) and she didn't make a big deal when I said I needed to leave, just welcomed me back the next day; it was exactly what I needed at the time.

A few days after the Sea World visit, we met up again at the beach and this time I had Christopher and the kids in tow so that everybody could meet. Now y'all know I LOVE the beach and I hadn't been in forever so I woke up that morning and was so happy that I made up a little song - for the first time in forever, I am going to the beach. for the first time in forever, the waves are just within my reach. Christopher laughed at me but also said it was nice to see me so happy. We did the beach all morning and then played at her hotel's pool all afternoon. BEST DAY!

Finally the summer came to an end and it was THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL and I'd been waiting for that for so long.

Now some people, like my friend Zoie, prefer the informality of summer because her kids are old enough to leave at home when she goes off to work so she doesn't have to fight with them to get up and dressed in a timely manner. I totally get that but my situation is different. My kids are not old enough (or responsible enough) to leave at home even for a short trip to the grocery store much less all day so I'm stuck in the house with them while I'm working and it makes me feel trapped. I feel bad for them for having a boring summer because I have to work all day (although to be fair they are perfectly happy playing on their tablets) and I feel bad for me. It's too much trouble to take them to run out to the grocery store or get something for lunch so I sit in the bedroom working all day so that they can have the run of the house and I can have relative quiet. Which makes the first day of school a freaking holiday as far as I'm concerned. It was blissful to drive them to school and then come back to my quiet, empty house where I could go back to working in the living room and could go get myself a snack in the middle of the day without anybody knowing and asking for part of it.

Then, just this past weekend, more friends came to the area whom I hadn't seen in over 4 years. These friends live in England and Taz and I met them 16 years ago when they eloped in Orlando and he photographed their wedding then we lost touch for 10 years and reconnected on Facebook and have been close ever since. This was their first time back in the area since Taz died so we had a lot of catching up to do although I must say that they were some of the most supportive people in my life after Taz died. Even though they were thousands of miles away, they let me know in so many ways that they were thinking of me often. 

It was wonderful to finally see them again and to introduce my new family to them. We had a fun day together enjoying the pool at their resort - the kids had the best time swimming and, quite frankly, so did I. We ended the day having dinner together and I couldn't have been happier. The best part is that I'll get to see them again when we get together for lunch one day when I'm up in Orlando working and I'll get to deliver their wedding invitation in person. I know it's a long way to come back for just a wedding but they're going to try and that means the world to me.

Speaking of the wedding, the invitations to the intimate ceremony portion of the day have gone out so I told Christopher his fate had been sealed - no backing out now! They went in the mail over a week ago and nobody has contacted me to let me know they received them so that makes me a little anxious but maybe the mail is just slow.

Last weekend we visited a couple of different stores to pick up decor for the wedding including these great plates and platters for the food. I figure people can take their plates home with them if they want but if they leave them, we'll use them over again for the Halloween party we're probably going to throw each year. When I said that to Chris he got a big grin on his face because he loves throwing parties but knows that I don't so he knew that telling him I was ok with a party every year was a gift from me to him.

For my part, I am resigned to this year's party/reception but slowly working my way to excited. Chris has done a lot of work in our yard, cleaning it up to be ready for October. Our house had been abandoned for several years before we moved in and previous people had left mountains of trash in the yard that we had to remove as well as weeds that were practically higher than my head. The place had rickety front stairs where you took your life in your hands just to get in the front door and no stairs at all out the back door, just a fatal death drop to the ground. Chris has spent hours fixing things up, building us a huge front porch and a small back porch for me to relax and read as well as getting a lot of the trash hauled off. Dealing with the weeds is a constant battle but he's out there with his mower taking care of it. His most recent project is starting to fence the yard in and it's already looking a lot nicer. I know it'll be nice for the party even if it's not exactly looking the way he would like it to be. There isn't time to put down sod but if the weeds are freshly mowed it will look just fine, especially with the creepy fog from the fog machines. I want it to be a blend of spooky and elegant.

So that's my August update - great month, lots to look forward to and get ready for!

groomzilla

 

So last week we went under 3 months until the wedding and over the weekend we started really focusing on wedding details and, let me tell you, it's already going a little rough because Christopher has his own ideas about the wedding and they are not the same as my ideas.

How dare he? LOL It's very inconvenient to have a groom with opinions.

The first thing we did was go to Publix to look at cakes. Really we were going to look at a specific cake that I love and had already picked out in my head.

I love everything about this cake. The black and white swirls hint at our Halloween/Nightmare Before Christmas theme without hitting everyone over the head with it. It looks elegant to me, not cartoonish. And I swoon over the cupcakes! They are different than your run of the mill 4 tier wedding cake but I also love that there's a small cake on top so that we can do the whole cutting the cake tradition and also have the top tier to freeze and keep for our 1st anniversary.

It's perfect, right?

Christopher actually started looking through the cake book (why, why, why? we already have the perfect cake, no need to look at more) and stopped at this picture because he loved the idea of the bride and groom cakes.

This is so not how this was supposed to go. He was supposed to see the picture of my black and white swirly cake and say "oh my gosh, that's perfect!" not go looking for something else. Did he not see how I wasn't browsing through the cake book but went straight to one picture? Didn't he get the major HINT when I said I wanted to go to Publix to show him the CAKE I'D PICKED OUT? Sheesh.

So then I said I wanted to look at their deli platters for reception food and he looked at me like I had grown an extra head. Apparently he had other ideas but when I asked what they were he said he hadn't thought that far ahead. So I'm going to suggest to all our wedding guests that they eat before they come. 

That's a joke but it's actually not a bad idea because my car broke down last week and it's costing $800 to fix so there goes the wedding food fund.

So we got back home and I show him 2 pictures of potential labels for the wedding favors (his niece is making beautiful decorated sugar cookies) and ask him which one he prefers. Of course he picks the one I didn't like as much and that's pretty much when I lost it and said I wasn't happy with where we were having the wedding ceremony so it was really bumming me out that he couldn't even let me have these little details. He was surprised because he thought I actually wanted to hear his opinion which, of course, I did...I just wanted him to have the same opinion as me. LOL

This led to a much larger and more important discussion about the ceremony location and how I really wasn't happy about it being at our house or the direction he wanted it to go in, etc. and we finally decided that we're going to move the ceremony back to our original location (an hour away) where we've already paid and just have family (and a couple of very close friends) there and then extend an open invitation to anybody that wants to come to the Halloween party/reception that evening. This makes me much happier and more comfortable (I'd really rather prefer to just elope with us and the kids, I never wanted a big event and I hate the idea of a lot of people staring at me) and he still gets to invite all his work friends and be social. I will have my family at the party along with a couple of close friends that I can surround myself with if it gets a little overwhelming to have so many people around. That sounds kind of awful and I'm not really that bad but sometimes being an introvert means you have to develop ways to take care of yourself. My sister is my best friend and biggest cheerleader and I know she will have my back during the whole wedding weekend. She's the Thelma to my Louise so I know if I turn to her and ask if she wants to go with me to "get ice" in my wedding dress, she'll yell "hell yeah!" and she'll get me out of there to get a little much needed peace and quiet.

I would like to note that at no time did our discussion turn into an argument. I love the fact that in the 2+ years we've been together, he has never gotten mad at me and never, ever, ever yelled. I'm sure he's been annoyed from time to time but he really does just want to make me happy so we find a way to work it out. It's refreshing and brings me such peace.

So this is it, no more changes. I hand delivered my first ceremony invitation to my boss/good friend at work so there will be no more changing plans. The next invitations to the ceremony go out in the mail later this week.

So what do I need to do next?

I already have all the flowers and I got those cheap but I love them - beautiful bouquets for my stepdaughters and my sister...and me! We have selected the music for the ceremony and I just have to email those music links to the ceremony site.

I have selected the clothes for the kids and Chris, just have to get some money together to buy them by September. I have waited to order the kids' clothes until the real last minute because I don't want to deal with any last minute growth spurts. It's just a polo shirt for James and a pretty dress for Cadence that compliments the one my sister is wearing. Chris is going casual too with a polo shirt and dress pants. Originally we talked about a suit and tie but that's not really him and I want him to be comfortable so we have to find the softest polo shirt we can. His two older children are supposed to be in the wedding party but it's been a rough year and I'm not even sure they're going to come and that makes me sad because I know Chris really wants them there and so do I. They can wear whatever they want, I don't need the whole matchy, matchy thing.

I'm just going to hold off on food until October and see if there is money in the budget to order anything. Same with the cake. I guess the next biggest thing is to wait until the stores put out their Halloween decorations and then we can start to get a few things for the house. I expect to spend a lot of time at Dollar Tree! I have seen some really cute ideas for food platters using plastic skeletons.

So I guess there's not that much more to do. My dress alterations should be done by the middle/end of September and I can't wait to get it back. The rest of my ensemble is ready to go, I'm a fairly low maintenance bride.

Oh, I ordered some fake hair to see if I can do something on my own because I can't afford to get my hair done that day. It's supposed to be delivered today, I can't wait to see if it works or if it sends me into uncontrollable laughter. It's just a long curly ponytail which would be added to my regular ponytail - a little extra oomph. 

I've already paid for the makeup person in Orlando and thought I wouldn't get to use them when we were doing everything at the house but now that that's changed, I'm considering getting a room up in Orlando the night before (because Chris doesn't want to see me at all on that day) and then I could have the makeup person come to the room and make me pretty. I really do want to be pretty especially since we're getting professional pictures with our ceremony package.

I think I'll go back to not thinking about the wedding for a little while.