happy

Just checking in to say that I'm still good, really happy. I smile a lot more these days.

Taz and I used to eat a lot of this gelato, he had pistachio and I bounced around between a few different flavors. He could never bring himself to throw out any of the containers and they are really nice. I think he had plans to repurpose them to hold nails and screws and things. I eventually had to throw out a bunch of them last year because I needed the cabinet space. I haven't eaten any of this stuff in over a year and a half but finally bought some last week and I remember why we liked it so much. So far I'm still working on this first container, I just enjoy a little taste every couple of days. Taz and I had to work real hard to not eat all of this in just one sitting and it rarely lasted more than 2-3 days. Things change.

Had an unexpected day off from work last week so I made a trip out to a cute little Florida town that I haven't visited in 9 years to get a new shower sponge. They have amazing Greek food there so, of course, I had to have lunch. The tzatziki sauce was just as life-changing as I remembered. It is seriously the best.

Have you ever showered with a natural sponge? There is really nothing like it. I got my first sponge when we visited Tarpon Springs back in 2011 and I loved it so much that I would travel with it from California to Florida every time. I used that thing until it literally fell apart last year. I got another one from Amazon and it's nice but when I showered with my new one from TS last weekend I knew that there was really no comparison. I will only get my sponges from Spongeorama from now on. I know that seems silly but there's just something about the feel of that sponge over my body, kind of a sensual experience. Yeah, I know it's weird but true.

It was HOT there! Summer is definitely here in Florida and I'm not thrilled about that. I really hate summer here.

Except for the pool, I LOVE the pool in summer. The kids and I spent a lot of time in the water on Saturday and it's the perfect way to pass the time since we can't do much of anything else these days.

That's about it from me. There are other things to share but I just want to hold them close to my heart for a little while longer.

good

Just checking in to say that everything is good and I'm in a happy place.

And it feels good to be there after so long of being either in a bad place or just being so numb that it took too much energy to feel much of anything.

I did a little socializing on Saturday with a coworker. We tried to be very safe with masks before and after the food and kept our distance from each other as we caught up. We used to go out to lunch every couple of weeks back in the pre-pandemic days so we had months of gossip to catch up on. It was nice. And the sushi was THE BOMB...literally, mine was called an Avocado Sushi Bomb. LOL

I decided I needed a little pick me up in the form of new clothes. There's a store not too far from my office that has cute clothes that are affordable. I first discovered one of their stores on a trip to Alabama to see my family last summer. I'd never been in before but I got into town earlier than expected and decided to do a little shopping. I walked out of the store $100 poorer but with a big bag of clothes which seemed like a bargain. I even brought my little sis back with me a day later, she'd never been in there either, and we both found things.

So when I came back to Florida I visited the store near me and found a couple more cute things. I've been in a few more times but never repeated that first experience. But last week I decided to indulge in a little retail therapy and get some cute things for summer. I walked out with another big bag but when I tried them on at home (because the dressing rooms were closed at the store) I didn't like any of them and decided to return all of them which was disappointing.

Monday after work I put Charlie in her bag and back to the store we went. I returned everything but asked for store credit rather than a refund because I was determined to indulge myself with new stuff.

And guys, I found all the cute things I had missed last week! I found 3 dresses and 3 tops including 2 that I'd seen online and looked for in the store last week but couldn't find. I'm going to be freakin' adorable this summer! I also managed to use up all of my store credit AND owe them an additional $3 because I'm awesome like that.

I could hardly wait to get home and try them on, kinda fearful I wouldn't like them either, but I loved everything. 

And hopefully I'll have occasion to wear all those clothes this summer while I'm hanging out with Chris...and that's all I'm going to say about that. ;-)

observations

This friend thing is working out really well.

Yesterday afternoon I was frustrated, once again, about a roadblock on the path to getting my mother approved for Medicaid and while talking to Chris (about general stuff) he could hear something in my voice so he asked me to tell him all about whatever was wrong and he'd help if he could.

So I did. And he listened and then, because he's worked in nursing homes, he gave me some great practical advice which was awesome but just having him want to listen and truly want to help was something I've been missing. So many people run the other way and call out "hope it all works out for you" over their shoulder, or even worse, hide in the shadows and watch me struggle.

I've been doing this online thing for almost a month now! It's kind of the COVID equivalent of people watching. I love to see all the different texting styles, the approaches men make, the way they broach certain subjects. I am so not invested in any of the outcomes (I was at the beginning but not anymore) that it's mostly entertainment for me now. I don't really go out anymore so this is pretty much all I have.

There are the ones that don't really know what to say so we end up talking about the weather. A little weather talk is fine especially in Florida where weather is kind of a big deal. But when you've had 10 or more texts and you're still stuck on weather? That's when I just disappear.

If we do get past the weather it seems like we slide into sex (the subject, not the act) pretty darned quickly.

There are the ones that just allude to it - breakfast in bed, waking up next to each other, snoring, deep sleeper vs. light sleeper. Or the guys that claim to LOVE cuddling and snuggling which seems like it's just code for things they may do after they've had sex with me. There was the guy who said he just loved cuddling on the couch watching TV and then texted that he was probably going to get a DVD player for his bedroom. I guess that was just in case the couch stopped being comfortable. ;-)

Others get a little more graphic - Flyboy kept talking about naked swimming. Now I love a good skinny dip but he kept bringing up the whole naked thing over and over. Ok. Now that I think about it, that was probably because, in the course of saying what he was looking for in a girlfriend, he mentioned that she had to be someone that liked lots of sex. LOL I guess it's important to get that out into the open right away. Of course, he might be more of a talker than a doer because when we discovered that my mom lives in the same town as him, he said to let him know the next time I'm down there and we could meet up. So I said that I planned on going next weekend and he couldn't backpedal fast enough and when I said "ok, another time then" he just disappeared. Have I mentioned that men can be stupid jerks? LOLOLOL He was probably married.

And then there are some men who don't allude to anything, they just put the sex topic right on the table and roll around in it. One guy just out and out asked me (after we had been texting a few days) if I enjoy oral sex and if I pleasure myself. Now I'm no prude (far from it) but I admit I blushed a little when I read that text. And I'll bet you're on the edge of your seat waiting for the answers, aren't you?

Sorry, I never satisfy idle curiosity...although I'm pretty sure he enjoyed my answers.

I might be having a little too much fun with the anonymity meeting people online affords me, especially when I know it's someone I have no intention of meeting in person.

Yeah, this whole online thing has been quite the experience but I look forward to meeting people the old fashioned way again soon.

flying

I feel like I'm back in high school again, the boys that I like don't like me and I don't like the ones that like me.

But maybe none of this was designed to help me land a man, maybe it's just to find a friend.

After a day of ghosting on my part, the guy from the video chat the other night (I'll call him Chris, mostly because that's his name LOL) wasn't going away. He wasn't stalkery about it, he just sent me little "how is your day?" texts throughout the day and I just ignored them. And felt guilty about it.

This morning, when he texted good morning, I decided to be adult about it and say goodbye. I played the widow card, telling him that I had thought a lot about it and I wasn't ready yet for a new relationship. I don't actually think this is true (my body is definitely ready for something) but I know I'm not ready for a relationship with him.

He said that was ok and asked if I still wanted to be friends and y'all, I did. He's a really nice guy even if he's not romance material and so we're in the friendzone.

I have no idea what that means exactly. We've texted a little back and forth today as we go about our jobs but I've been texting with other people as well. Let me tell you, some guys out there are such jerks (I "met" one yesterday) it's easy to get your feelings hurt, so it's kind of nice to have somebody out there asking how you are without the pressure of a relationship looming over everything. And it's somebody who already knows what I look like and doesn't think I'm old and fat...or if he does, he keeps it to himself. LOL

Because of one guy I'm texting today (don't see it going anywhere) I'm actually making progress on my list for 2020. Remember this post? It was my list of goals for 2020.

I'm not getting very far on the travel (stupid virus) and my writing hasn't taken off yet (stupid laziness) I'm kind of making progress on getting laid...ahem, I mean dating. I've certainly "met" a lot of men over video but no free dinners. That's disappointing.

But, because of a text conversation I had today, I'm going to take the first steps towards learning to fly! I've identified a ground school course that I can take online which will allow me to pass the FAA test so that I can start flight training at some point. I'm so excited about this! It's something totally different in my life, something I probably never would have thought about doing if Taz was around. And who knows how far I'll get, flying is expensive, but the ground school course isn't too bad (thank you COVID bonus from work) and I will save up money for the first discovery training flight I want to take which won't happen until November (happy birthday to me) so just taking these little baby steps is exciting.

And something I might want to share with a friend, I think I'll go text Chris.

sad

I'm just sad today - sad and discouraged and impatient and frustrated.

I should be working, I definitely have things to do and deadlines looming but instead I've been reading over some old blog posts from years past when my life was normal.

This one Revelation made me smile and then miss Taz so much. He could annoy me a LOT from time to time (of course I never annoyed him, I'm sure LOL) but he showed me how much me loved me every day by cooking and doing a thousand sweet things for me. It wasn't a one way street, I think I did a lot for him as well. That's what you do when you love each other, you take care of each other.

No matter what was going on in our lives, I always ALWAYS knew that I mattered to him. I miss that, I miss mattering to someone. I know I keep saying that, I hate being a broken record but it's just the truth. And each time I put myself out there to find something new for myself and it fails, I feel worse.

The whole quarantine/lock down thing doesn't help. I feel trapped in my house, there is nothing to look forward to and right now I don't see how I can continue to live like this.

I need something to change. I want to travel, I want to go do my research but I feel like I'll be risking my living arrangements if I do any of that and I want things to change on MY terms, not anybody else's.

I'm out of answers at the moment. 

solo

You know how I said I wasn't going to play around with that Facebook dating app anymore?

I lied.

After Toothbrush Guy (who actually made a return appearance last night for a little while before leaving FOREVER in a blaze of glory) I decided to give it one last try and liked a few more guys. I started texting with a couple of them and finally there was one who I texted with all weekend. He said a lot of the right things about romance and cuddling and walks on the beach but he never really asked me anything about myself and not that I'm a narcissist or anything (really, I'm not) but it seems like somebody interested in dating you might want to find out a few things about you. He was also starting to move a little too fast, talking about going away for the weekend, cooking dinner for me at his place, etc. before we'd even made plans to meet up at some point. And he wasn't the least bit funny which is really the most important requirement for me.

So tonight I suggested we do a video meeting and I'm so glad I did. He jumped right into the conversation and started talking about his job and problems he'd had and probably a whole bunch of other things about himself but I don't remember exactly what because I'm pretty sure I dozed off at some point. We talked for about 30 minutes...no, HE talked for about 30 minutes and then I used poor Charlie as an excuse and told him that I needed to take my dog out and then I was going to bed. I now know so much about him, his previous relationships, his children, his health issues and he knows absolutely nothing about me because he didn't ask. 

I'm really disappointed but I know there's no reason to go any further with this. Why is it so hard to meet someone that you click with?

The trouble is, I know exactly the type of man I would like to be with. I even know the exact man I'd like to be with but he has no interest in me so I guess I keep looking to find one just like him. That's kind of pitiful. I'm kind of pitiful. LOL

This is a book about solo travel for women, a friend posted it to my Facebook page tonight. I guess everybody has come to the conclusion that I'm going to be alone. Well that's not going to stop me - time to make plans for my solo life.

Maybe I'll price out camper vans this weekend!

learning

What have I learned about myself through this whole dating thing? 

1. I do not enjoy any of this. Yes, I have found amusement looking through the field out there but I don't enjoy what happens next - not the texting, not the back and forth, not the moment when you exchange phone numbers, not trying to figure out how much to share, not deciding whether or not to meet, not the meetings, definitely not the let down when I realize it isn't going to work out. I never wanted to do online dating in the first place and always swore I wouldn't but then I thought maybe I was missing out. Turns out I wasn't missing out on anything except a lot of pain.

2. I seem to be drawn to younger men. Even though I set up my filter to only show me guys that are 45+, apparently I'm being shown to much younger men because that's who usually "likes" my profile and those are the ones that I usually want to like back. I can't tell you how disappointing it is to see someone that looks really interesting and then find out I'm old enough to be their mama. 

3. Men my age look like they already have one foot in the grave. It's really discouraging.

4. I have discovered that I am disturbingly attracted to bad boys. I did not see that one coming at all. The ones that I like that are age appropriate usually look like they could ride with a motorcycle gang. And I don't know why I like them, I'm pretty sure I'm not their type and they intimidate me and yet, that's who I really want to like. I think it might be that they look like they would make me feel protected and that soothes my vulnerable soul. It's not that I want someone to take care of me - I am way too self sufficient for that and can rarely even accept an offer of help - but I think I want someone to WANT to take care of me so that I could feel like maybe, every once in a while, I could lay down the burden and lean on someone that truly cares about me. I am so tired of doing this all by myself all the time. There's a Harley Davidson store not too far from my house, maybe I should just hang out there, find some grandpa with a grizzled beard and covered with tattoos, swing myself up on the back of his Hog and ride off into the sunset.

5. I also love anybody that describes themselves as nerdy or geeky because it speaks to the nerdy girl inside of me...unfortunately the nerdy ones are usually too young. Bugger.

6. While I am not the least bit materialistic and I don't care what someone does for a living or what they drive or how big their house is, I kind of want somebody with a boat. The idea of spending weekends on the water really appeals to me.

7. I have no game, none at all. It's really kind of sad. I am just not good at the flirty banter that seems to go along with this. I'm not the hot girl, I never was. At best I can be a little cute from time to time but keeping up sexy talk makes my head hurt and I get tongue tied and it doesn't end well; I end up looking stupid and feeling inadequate

8. I do, however, get a kick out of reading other people's attempts at "sexy" talk. My favorite new line is "I may not go down in history but I will go down on you." insert eye roll here.

9. I crave a real soul to soul connection and I guess that's just not something that usually happens with online dating. I want one of those evenings where the other person and I just talk and talk and talk with no awkward silences, just bouncing around from subject to subject, from serious to silly, where it's hard to tear ourselves away because there's so much more to say. I know what that feels like and everything else just seems like a waste of time.

10. I think I kind of hoped I would have a fairy tale ending with all of this. I know most people don't but I hoped I'd be the exception and I'm not and that sucks.

And so it's time to start thinking seriously about what my next act is going to look like. I've got some ideas. I know I can't live in my house by myself; I just can't afford it. And maybe I don't even want to live by myself in such a big space. I would have loved to share this amazing house with someone that I love but that's not happening. I'm seriously considering getting rid of all my stuff and taking off in a camper van when I sell the house. I don't know where I want to settle down, maybe I don't want to settle down at all. Maybe this is the time for me to grab Charlie and just travel around. I think it would be lonely but staying in one place is lonely too. Maybe it's just my John Steinbeck "Travels with Charley" fantasy but I could see myself traveling from state to state, staying as long as it's fun, talking to people in each town, documenting their stories and then taking off for the next place. It's something Taz and I always talked about doing when we retired - I would write and he would take photographs. Maybe I can do it to honor his memory.

I know I've talked a lot about myself and my dating experiences lately and maybe it seems like I've forgotten Taz but I assure you he's never been far from my thoughts and is always in my heart through all of this. One of the reasons all of this has been so hard is that I never wanted to have to do it in the first place but I know that he wouldn't want me to be alone. And I imagine that although he would probably be a little concerned about the whole "bad boy" thing, he would also be the first to understand it because he was my original bad boy. LOL

He probably wouldn't approve of my plan to travel around the country by myself, in fact I know he would hate it, but sometimes we just have to do things whether people approve or not.

I don't know, I'm so confused and I am so tired. 

sigh

Toothbrush Guy rides again...sort of.

Turns out he wasn't completely repulsed by me but had food poisoning and has actually been dealing with it until today. He ended up in the emergency room last night where they finally fixed him up.

We had been having very unsatisfying text conversations on Monday and Tuesday, then I didn't hear from him at all on Wednesday but there was a text from him late last night with hospital pictures.

Then we talked on the phone this afternoon and I don't think it went well, at least not on my end and I don't think he was feeling it either so I'd be surprised if I ever heard from him again and I'm so ok with that.

In fact, he was kind of a bit of a jerk. We were talking about the pool league that he's in and he starts talking about how many hot women there are there and how he likes talking to them. Ok fine, there's nothing going on between us yet, I get that but why say things like that to me? I don't play that game.

So I guess I'm no worse off than I was before. I dipped my toe into the online dating pool and decided not to swim. I haven't seen anybody else on the app that's even remotely interesting.

It's still amusing to run through the list of ones that "like" me. My favorites are the couples that are looking for a 3rd person, or there was the guy that said he had Porn Star tongue skills. I went to his Instagram page and it was full of the dirtiest memes I've ever seen. Very entertaining, believe me!

But it all makes me a little tired, I just want to find somebody nice...with tongue skills. ;-)