Did you miss me? I can't believe I let most of the spring and all of summer go by without documenting it. There has actually been a lot going on for the past few months.
First of all - I broke myself again. Remember how I fell while doing a 5k and broke my left arm 2 years ago? I did it again (without the 5k) and this time I evened it out and broke the right arm/shoulder.
Needless to say, I was not happy at all to have to go through all of that pain and inconvenience again - 6 weeks of wearing a sling and doing everything with just one hand...and this time it would be my left hand that had to pick up the slack. It was quite amusing to have to eat left handed but I eventually mastered it and rarely dropped anything. The hardest part was not being able to drive which meant losing my independence. BUT unlike 2 years ago, I was not on my own this time and that made all the difference. I was very well taken care of during my healing time and I had an additional incentive to get well as soon as possible...
We are engaged and have a wedding to plan!It wasn't a complete surprise, we had been talking about it as we got closer to our 1 year anniversary in June and by the end of that month he'd picked out a ring. I think he had plans for a romantic proposal but when I broke my arm and was sitting on the bed crying waiting to go to the ER after he got me dressed, he got down on one knee in front of me and slipped the ring on my finger just to see me smile.
It worked.
A week later we drove 3 hours to have lunch with my family (they drove 3 hours too) so that Chris would have a chance to meet my brother and I could show off the ring. My family thought it would be funny to all show up with slings on. They are adorable. They are happy for me and that's nice but the whole getting engaged after the death of a spouse thing is a little weird, I must say.
First off there's the response I get from people outside of my family. Everybody is happy for me but they also seem to feel the need to let me know that they think it's perfectly ok for me to be happy again in a tone of voice that makes me feel like maybe they don't really feel that it's ok so they're overcompensating by saying they do think it's ok. Does that make sense? It's like deep down they kinda feel weird about me being with someone other than Taz or that maybe it's too soon but they realize it's been almost 3 years so it's really not too soon so they pat my hand and say "it's ok that you've found someone else, you deserve to be happy" with as much sincerity as they can muster but they can't quite make it convincing because they really don't know how to feel about it.
I get it, it's still weird for me to think of a future without Taz in it. I miss him, I miss talking with him, I miss his really bad jokes and oh my gosh I miss his cooking. To think that I'll never again taste some of his signature dishes like Cha Gio or bbq ribs or the amazing mashed potatoes that he always made for me seriously makes me want to cry.
It's kind of a weird dynamic, I am completely happy in my current relationship and excited for our future but I acknowledge that I miss my old life too and I imagine it'll always be that way.
I'd like to think Taz would be happy for me and wouldn't want me to be alone.
As for the wedding, we're not rushing anything and are setting our sights on doing something by the end of next year. I have ideas (of course I do, I'm a planner!) and Chris has ideas and now we have to figure out how to fit all those ideas together. It won't be big but it will include all the special wedding-y traditions that I never got a chance to do the first time since we eloped. I know I want a pretty dress (shhh, don't tell anyone but I actually purchased the dress in May, a full 2 months before we got engaged) and a cake because I love cake. I want something intimate with just immediate family and a couple of friends. Chris swings back and forth between just the 2 of us or inviting all of his enormous extended family. LOL
We've only been engaged for 2 months and haven't discussed the W word all that much (Chris still turns a little green when he hears the word wedding) but I'd like to get most of the plans nailed down by the end of the year so that I have several months to plan and scheme...I mean dream. I love weddings and missed out on it last time so I want to make the most of this engagement period. I don't plan on ever having the chance to do this again so I'm going to enjoy my time as a fiancee.
