So, it's finally here - the end of 2019.
Thank goodness, it's been a long year although in some ways it seems to have gone by so fast.
I remember this time last year. I didn't want 2019 to happen. I didn't want to live in a year that Taz didn't get to live in too. I was scared to face a new year without him.
But guess what? 2019 came anyway, whether I wanted it or not.
And I survived. I faced all sorts of obstacles without him by my side for moral support and I made it through...somehow.
And I absolutely know that I wouldn't have made it through without the love and support (both emotionally and financially) of my friends and family.
I know I'm blessed and I wasn't alone even though there were so many moments that I did feel alone. There were moments when I didn't think I could go on, when I wished I wouldn't wake up the next morning, when it would have been ok if fate just stepped in and ended it all.
But I kept waking up, morning after morning, so I guess there are still things I need to do on this earth. There is more left to my story and I should get out of the way and let it happen.
So here's to 2020! I'm looking forward to seeing what you bring me. Hopefully it'll be somebody to kiss when we welcome in 2021. ;-)
It's that time of year - the time to make resolutions and identify dreams for the future.
My resolution game is strong, I make the same one every year and I'm usually excellent at keeping it.
I resolve to be adorable every day.
I'll admit, last year wasn't my most successful, I'd say I only had a 50% adorableness rate but I finished the year strong, getting adorabler every day. I anticipate near 100% in 2020. I can't help it, I wake up that way.
And now on to my dreams for the future - I'm making a list of all the things I want to accomplish (or at least try) in 2020. I feel like I didn't do very much except keep my head above water (mostly) in 2019. And that was ok, it was what I needed to do. I don't think I had the strength to try new things but I'm feeling stronger now, more stable, and I desperately want to have dreams for the future again.
Yes, the future. I have a future. It's such a gift, not everybody gets one.
So here's the list I've come up with so far. It's definitely going to be a work in progress.
1. Get back to my writing project! I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten all about what I wrote here about having a project that I wanted to actually finish. I haven't forgotten but I did get sidetracked by the hurricane and then breaking my arm. But that's all over now and so it's back to writing.
I think, once my family moves in, I'll probably need a nice project to sink my teeth into to give me something to distract myself from the fact that everything has changed. If I need a little alone time then working on my book is the perfect excuse to hang out in my room.
And there's that road trip to Georgia which will be a great excuse to get out of the house on a Saturday or Sunday when I get tired of being the 3rd wheel in their family.
2. I want to fly! Taz loved airplanes, especially the fighters from WWII and I think all those years of hearing about them and visiting aviation museums rubbed off on me. The first thing I want to do is go up in a bi-plane then I want to do some real flying in a Stearman which was the training plane for pilots in WWII. It also relates to my book project so two birds, one stone.
If I like it up there in the sky, I think maybe I'd like to take flying lessons and eventually get my pilots license but that's more of a long-term goal.
3. I want to travel! I have a bad case of wanderlust that's been growing all through 2019 but I haven't had the resources to go anywhere. I'm hopeful that with my new roomies, money will be a little less tight and I'll be able to plan a few trips even if they are mostly modest. Luckily Florida has lots to explore. But I'd also like to at least take one out of state road trip to Texas to do more research for my book. Hopefully I can do that in the spring because I'm itching to go. I'll be perfectly fine out there in the middle of nowhere Texas all by myself, I'm sure.
4. Speaking of travel - I'd like to go at least one new place in 2020, somewhere I've never been before. I've been a lot of places so I'll have to be creative. I'd love to go somewhere in Europe but I doubt that's feasible this year.
5. I'd like to date. Well, I'd like to think about dating. I'm not sure about this one so it's not a high priority but I do want to put it out there. Actually, originally when I started thinking about goals for 2020, my only goal was to get laid, it's been a long time. Does that shock you? It kinda does me so I guess that's why I rethought that idea and changed it to dating. The end result might be the same but I don't want to be indiscriminate. I mean, part of me would like to be totally wild but I know I can't be, at least not for any length of time; I have a terminal case of good girl. Maybe I'll settle for being just a little daring. I'm not even sure how to go about dating. There's the whole online thing but I've heard so many horror stories and I'm not even sure how to start or what apps to use. All my previous boyfriends have started out as friends, I don't even know how to go to dinner with a stranger and start the process of becoming intimate...and by that I mean making a real connection, not just sex. In fact, just writing about all this makes me want to say forget it but I can't. I need to put myself out there and at least try. So yeah, dating is a goal for 2020. Yay. If nothing else at least I'll get to go out to dinner a little more and that's always fun.
6. Be funny again. It's always been my thing - I'm sarcastically funny, dry wit, sometimes goofy, etc. I'm not funny all the time, it only comes out when I'm really comfortable with people but lately it hasn't been there much at all and I miss that side of me. You can't force yourself to be funny so I hope it just comes back on its own throughout the year. Hopefully, with all the dating, there will be funny stories or at least I'll turn any disasters into funny stories to make myself feel better. I can be kind of awkward, especially in new situations, so I've had to learn to turn it all into a funny story as a defense mechanism over the years...I've had lots of practice.
7. I want to be healthier. I don't want to go overboard on that but yeah, I'd like to eat healthier and work out more. Last year my mother, who can always be counted on to try to make me feel bad about myself, told me that I'd need to watch what I ate while I was grieving so that I didn't balloon up. Wasn't that nice of her? That's certainly just what I needed to hear in the midst of deep mourning.
She needn't have worried though because not only did I not balloon up, I have lost weight all through the year and I wasn't even trying. I want that trend to continue so I'm going to make it a conscious goal. Plus, I'll be around the kids all the time now and I want to be a role model not a cautionary tale.
Well, that's about all the goals I can think of. I just want it to be a year of growth and fun and happiness. I want to thrive, not merely survive. I hope 2020 will be the first year of a bright new future.
Yesterday was a bit of an emotional roller coaster so I've given myself a free pass to goof off a bit.
You can't really properly sleep in with a dog around but after feeding her and taking her on a quick, rainy walk around the neighborhood at 7, I went back to sleep until 9:30, which was heavenly and completely unusual for me.
And now here I am with no makeup on wearing my favorite cropped California t-shirt that makes me feel flirty and sexy even though I am self aware enough to know I don't really look that way so I never actually wear it in public.
I haven't even brushed my teeth because it's not like I'm going to be kissing anyone today. I'm just enjoying what might be my last weekend day having the house to myself.
And so I'm watching my very favorite guilty pleasure movie because I really need a happy ending right now and this has one of the most perfect. It's about a relationship that has a few false starts before the happily ever after finally kicks in and it's nice to think that sort of thing could happen in real life even though I have my doubts. Plus it has Hugh Grant's hair and I'm a sucker for really great hair.
Greetings! I don't usually get to write on a weekend because I don't have Internet at home but I'm hanging out at a friend's house today. She's not home, she's 3000 miles away in California visiting her parents for the holidays, but she very nicely gave me a key and told me to come over to use the Internet and watch TV while she's gone and today I decided to take her up on that.
This morning a handyman type person spent a couple of hours at my house organizing the boxes in my garage to give me more space so that I can move in more boxes and furniture from the 3 rooms I'm emptying.
You might wonder why I'm emptying 3 rooms and today I can finally talk about it - my godfamily is moving in! They are going to take 3 of my 4 bedrooms and live with me for a year. It might last longer but for at least a year I will be able to continue to live in my house and I'll have my very own family with me all the time. I've often been lonely this past year being all by myself most of the time but those days are over; I imagine time by myself will be rare from now on.
It's a huge change and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it but mostly I'm excited and looking forward to learning what it's like to live with kids full-time. I imagine it'll be like nothing I've ever experienced.
But that doesn't mean this is the rest of my story. Although I love my house and I'm perfectly happy to live there right now, I can't say that I'll live there forever. I'm open to wherever the road takes me, my future is wide open. Maybe I'll sell the house and move somewhere completely new. Maybe I'll rent it out and travel all over the world. Maybe I'll buy an RV and hit the open road.
Maybe, maybe, maybe - I really don't know what will happen. In a million years I never could have imagined what my life is now so it's impossible to say what it will be in the future. I think I'm done trying to imagine, I'm just going to try out different paths until I find the next bend in the road.
For now, the path leads to my home and a family and that's perfect.
Christmas is a time for miracles.
I've heard that all my life but since I'd never experienced one I had kind of given up on that kind of thinking.
Until now.
There is no doubt that I needed a miracle this Christmas, I just needed some help to hang on. All the things were keeping me up at night and I didn't know what to do. I was so scared.
And then yesterday I learned that someone had given exactly the sort of help I so desperately needed. I had my Christmas miracle and I am humbled and so grateful. And so mystified because I don't know who this person is.
I'm a really independent person or at least I try to be. I almost never ask for help and, for some reason, it's really hard for me to accept help. It's not that I don't appreciate it, it's more that I hate to burden anyone or inconvenience them, it makes me feel guilty and so I almost always turn down offers of help and then kick myself. So there is a huge part of me that knows I would return this person's help if I knew who they were even though doing so would doom me. So maybe it's better that I never know.
But I want to thank them because they'll never know how much this means, how very grateful I am, how amazing it feels to know someone cares, how it's making me cry right now as I type this (which is really inconvenient because I'm at work) how I'm never going to forget this and I'm going to pay it forward for the rest of my life.
Christmas is a time for miracles. I'm never going to doubt that again.
After all the whining in my last post about the shitty Christmas Eve I was having you'll be surprised to learn that I had a really, really nice Christmas day!
I spent the morning cooking which was quite a change for me. Charlie was very confused to see me spend so much time in the kitchen. Taz always took charge of holiday meals and I haven't felt like cooking anything for a year now so suddenly being totally on my own with a turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and a carmelized onion dip was quite a change.
And I found out I really enjoy cooking again. As usual, I tried out all new recipes on company. When am I ever going to learn? Not any time soon since all my experiments turned out pretty good.
I kind of stopped cooking much when Taz developed a love for it. I cooked all the meals for the first 20 years of our marriage but when he started being home more (because of unemployment) he took over the cooking, partly because he felt guilty and wanted to do something to feel like he was contributing.
I was tired of cooking by then so I stepped back and let him take over...plus, whenever I did cook he'd always be hovering over my shoulder telling me ways I could "improve" it and that got on my nerves and stripped away at my confidence. So I just got out of the way and let him do his thing. It certainly didn't hurt that he was excellent at it and he loved it so much.
But now the kitchen is mine again and I realize I really enjoy cooking too. I may never be the creative chef that Taz was but I can whip up tasty meals and it's fun.
So one of the fun things I'm going to do in 2020 is collect vintage cookbooks from antique stores and make something new every month.
I was busy cooking so much for Christmas because my godfamily was coming over for lunch! I really didn't want to spend Christmas alone or dwell on the fact that no one in my family seemed to be the least bit interested in whether or not I had any plans for that day so I invited the "family I've chosen" to spend the day with me and they were more than happy to accept.
It turned out to be quite a fun day. They got there around noon and we ate. Then we opened presents and talked and laughed for hours. We were having so much fun and the afternoon went by so quickly that we ended up ordering pizza for dinner and played games until it was time for the kids to go to bed.
I put together a hot cocoa bar for dessert and that was a big hit. I did the cocoa in a crockpot and it was super yummy and rich. I'm a BIG cocoa fan but this was way too rich for an everyday sort of thing...but it was perfect for a special treat.
The kids were actually having such a fun time that they wanted to do a sleepover but I had to get up early for work and they didn't have any clothes or toothbrushes so they had to go home. We'll have plenty of time for sleepovers in the future.
After they left I realized I hadn't been sad all day. It's not that I didn't think about Taz, we even talked about him, but I wasn't lonely. I was able to enjoy this Christmas even though it was different than any Christmas that I spent with him. Truth be told, it was one of the nicest Christmases I've had in a long time, there's just something about having kids around at this time of year. And it was especially nice to spend time with people who really wanted to be with me. I am filled with love and gratitude.
But, that's not going to stop me from fulfilling my dream of having a hot, tropical beach Christmas next year!
Ignore all that crap I wrote earlier today.
I had planned to treat myself to Christmas Eve lunch/early dinner at Cracker Barrel because it has become my go-to place for solitary holiday meals and because I have a gift card so I could "afford" it.
Joke's on me, they closed at 2 today and with that my fragile control over my emotions has snapped. I haven't stopped crying yet.
And I feel like a real loser for thinking I had this, I was going to be so strong this Christmas.
I don't have this. I'm sad and lonely and feeling defeated at the moment. I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow but not right now.
Sorry if that makes you think less of me. I'm not very proud of myself right now either.
I just wanted to jump in and wish everyone out there a very Merry Christmas.
I can say these words honestly and without reservation because I am having a happy holiday season. Truth - it's a roller coaster but I'm determined not to focus on what I've lost (except when it slams me in the face) and instead focus on the wonderful people who I have here and now.
You know how they say you never appreciate what you have until it's gone? Well there is a lot of truth in that. Although I truly believe I did appreciate Taz and my marriage every day, it's also easy to get caught up in a bunch of little crap and not look at the big picture all the time. Now that he's gone I realize I could have loved him even better and I wish I had that chance.
But I don't.
So I don't want to make that mistake with the life I have left, with the people who choose to make me part of their family. I see far too many widows focusing almost exclusively on their pain at this time of year and refusing to enjoy the holiday season.
And I get it, the pain is ever present, threatening to consume everything in its path. It takes a conscious effort to look past the pain and not miss all the good that's still in your life.
I fail at this often but, at least for tomorrow, I'm going to appreciate all that I have and anticipate all the good that's still to come.
So merry, happy, silly Christmas. I hope everyone out there is feeling as blessed as I am.
Here we are, Christmas Eve eve. I can't believe it's Christmas again, didn't we just do this a couple of months ago?
Maybe I feel that way because my December is feeling a lot like last December. I spent another Saturday at my mother's old room, finishing up getting the last couple of things that I could carry. I just sent the email releasing the room.
I also visited with her and she's once again obsessed with my love life...or lack thereof. She kept asking if I'd met any "nice young men." She's good for my ego because she just refuses to believe there isn't anybody out there interested in loving me. Too bad she's (literally) delusional.
Before that visit I met one of Taz's former co-workers (and his wife) for lunch at a local Vietnamese restaurant near my mother's home. That was a fun time, we hadn't seen each other in months so there was much to catch up on and many Taz stories to tell. This co-worker was Taz's best friend at the company and I know Taz felt like a mentor to him. They used to talk on the phone several times a week. When I heard him say "hey Brandon" I knew I wasn't going to see him for a couple of hours, at least.
One of the last conversations they had was about ghosts so Brandon is a little disappointed that Taz hasn't haunted him. I admit I kinda feel the same way. Taz was such a big, over the top personality that it seems like if anybody could find a way to come back from the other side, it would be him.
And yet, maybe we're just not thinking outside of the box the way Taz would. The reason we reconnected is that Brandon's phone dialed Taz's phone (which is now the phone and number I use) all on its own. He didn't leave a message (he may not have even known it was happening at the time) but when I saw his name come up on caller ID I decided to text him just in case it was something important. From there we decided to meet for lunch and we had so much fun we're going to try to do it every month or two. Who is to say that Taz didn't have a direct hand in all that? It seems like a bizarre coincidence.
Oh wait, I totally forgot to start with telling you about Friday! I did a big thing - I wasn't feeling well when I woke up so I called in sick to work...but I started feeling better after a little nap so I decided to drive myself to the beach because that always makes me feel better. It was my first time back at the beach since July so the weather was significantly different. I do love the beach in winter, it's great for walking and that's what I did - I walked along the shore for over an hour, just breathing in the salty air. The beach soothes my soul every time. I need to remember that and go back as often as possible.
Ok, now back to Saturday. After getting home I plunged into the closet in my spare room. It had been a storage haven for me since 2006 so the crap was stacked up as high as my head. Yeah, I know, that's awful. Whatever.
But the good thing about finally clearing out my little hoarder stash is that I sometimes stumble across treasure. This is a diary that I received as a Christmas present from Taz during our first year of dating way back in the 1800s...I mean 80s. I only made a few entries but they were so lovely to read. I was head over heels in love at that point in my life. He was my first love, my first lover, the first (and only) person that ever made me feel completely safe and seen and heard and I wrote all of that down that year.
I know what it's like to love someone for a long time but I had kinda forgotten exactly how magical it feels to be *falling* in love. It makes me smile to remember what it felt like back at the beginning. That little girl had no idea what the next 30+ years of her life would be like but she knew she had finally found the love she'd been searching for.
Interestingly enough I also talked about how scary it is to open yourself up to another human, to let them know every part of your soul - the very same things I am scared about now. I guess I am coming full circle and I hope I'll get to experience all the wonder of falling in love again.
Cleaning out my room is just hard work but cleaning out Taz's old office and our garage is hard work plus so many emotions. I worked on those spaces on Sunday and besides the physical pain (I think I overdid it with my arm) there are so many emotions that I have to take breaks just to cry and grieve. It makes the work go pretty slow but I am making some progress.
I keep running across his things and I am so conflicted on what to do with all of them. Even things like these records which have been sitting in the garage for over a decade so obviously they weren't that important to him...but they were important enough for him to keep them so how could I just throw them out but do I really want to cart them around with me for the rest of my life? Every single thing, even the big box of orphaned electrical cords, causes this internal argument.
Luckily I posted a picture of the records on Instagram and a dear friend wants to give them a new home because she has a collection of 45s. I can let them go easier if I know who they are going to and that they will be appreciated.
And then there's that shoe. Remember that shoe from all my hurricane preparations? I can't bring myself to throw it out so it will probably live in the garage forever. I can't help but wonder where its mate is, I still haven't run across it. It must be in the garage somewhere, those were his mowing the lawn shoes.
The good news is that I got the garage ready for next Saturday when I have hired a handyman to come and move boxes for me. He'll move the boxes already in the garage into a corner to free up room for more boxes that will be coming from the house. I have packed a few but I will spend this week packing more so that the handyman can move as much as possible. I have to get 3 rooms in the house completely empty because there will be big changes coming in 2020. I can't talk about them yet but I'm mostly looking forward to them...except for the parts that I'm dreading. LOL
Life can't stay the same, I wouldn't even want it to stay the way it is now. This limbo existence is not for me and I am more than ready to dive headlong into my new life even if the idea scares the shit out of me.
I saw this at a bookstore over the weekend and had to take a picture. I hope my new life includes travel and lots of it.
And if travel isn't in my future - here's Plan B!
See that picture up there? I took it this morning at work, about 10 minutes before I realized my shirt was on backwards.
Here's how it's really supposed to look. You'd think I would have noticed the lack of lace in front.
It's chilly here today, perfect soup weather, so I was thrilled to see this come up in my Memories on Facebook. Five years ago I made French Onion Soup and I was smart enough to blog about it because I lost the original recipe long ago. Taz loved this soup and I have no idea why I never made it again except that it's rather time consuming. I kind of feel like making it again except the pot I used is still in storage in California and I'll probably never see it again since I can't afford to keep paying the storage bill.
Here is the link to the blog post about making the soup.
I went caroling again last night but this time with a group of friends, many of whom are learning to play the ukulele. We just walked around my friend's neighborhood, down to a street where 11 different houses decorate with many lights and coordinated music. It was a chilly evening, perfect Christmas weather (which is unusual in Florida) and we all had a great time. It makes me want to learn to play the ukulele. I've always wanted to play the guitar but my hands are small and it's been challenging. Maybe the uke would be more my speed.
I will add that to the list of things I want to do in 2020. Yes, I have a list that I will write more about as we get closer to the new year. I feel like in 2019 I was, more or less, in a holding pattern, mostly just surviving as I navigated this new world I've been thrown into. Now it's time to push the boundaries a bit, explore who I am now and try some new things. My life has changed and I want to change too. It's time to figure out who this new Jonni is. I'm feeling a bit sassy - it's time to break some rules.
My weekend had a common theme - packing up the bits and pieces of people's lives. More like packing (or throwing) them away.
I finally broke down and accepted the one offer I had to help with my mother's things. Well, I had 2 offers, both of which I turned down because I didn't want to burden the people who have already helped me so much. One person asked again and this time I had to swallow my pride and accept because I wasn't going to be able to do anything more by myself and it really did have to get done.
And I'm not going to waste my time complaining about the people who should have been helping but never even bothered, never even offered moral support. Just know that I'm done with them. And I'm not one to hold grudges so this is an entirely new feeling for me. There is a power in rage and I'm all about power these days. Since they all claim to be such strong Christians, they will have to answer for their inaction one day but it won't be me judging them. Can you tell I'm a bit miffed? LOL I'll get over it, I see no value in anger as a long term strategy no matter how satisfying it feels right now. I'm sure the novelty will wear off.
The day at my mother's old place was actually fun. I took a few pieces of furniture that had sentimental value and family history along with some pictures and "important" papers. I'm walking away from everything else, all the little knick knacks that she loved so much. It's depressing how a person's life boils down to just a bunch of junk that doesn't mean anything to anyone else.
I also took one piece with no real history except that my mother loved it - a giant shoe chair. My mother has had a life-long love affair with shoes. I remember as a child being dragged from one shoe store to the next so that she could try everything they had in her small size 5. She had a real love for high heels and things that I used to call hooker shoes. I thought her taste was awful and I developed an aversion to shoes that has mostly lasted to this day although I will swoon over a great pair of boots. Maybe the apple didn't fall all that far from the tree.
So I had no intention of taking the shoe chair but I thought maybe my god kids might enjoy it. Then I sat on it. I've never really believed in love at first sight before (still don't) but I am a true believer in love at first sit. OMG, I had to have that chair. The god kids are going to have to fight me for it.
The guy helping me didn't think the chair would fit in the borrowed truck but his wife and I wouldn't let that stop us and, sure enough, he found a way to make it and the other 3 small pieces of furniture fit in there. Of course it meant there was no place for his kids to ride but they would rather ride in my car anyway. And that was the best part of the day. My god kids can make me laugh, especially my god son. We got stuck in a traffic jam and the normally 45 minute drive lasted over 90 but we were too busy laughing and singing to notice...much. There's only so long 3 kids can be stuck in a car without resorting to "are we there yet?" Still, it was my favorite part of the day.
My other packing up experience was not so fun. The time has come to pack up Taz's home office. I've put it off for over a year but I'm going to need that room (and 2 others) emptied by the new year so on Friday night I walked in there...and promptly burst into tears, saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again as I pulled things off shelves and placed them in boxes or trash bags. It was a horrible experience and I have no doubt that I probably shouldn't be doing it by myself but I'm going to anyway. Unlike my mom's situation, there are no family members who *should* help with this, this is my obligation alone and I'd never ask for help with it. That's not to say that I wouldn't welcome someone who knew and loved him showing up on my doorstep with empty boxes (and a bottle of wine) in hand but we all know that's not going to happen.
It's the same feeling I had when I emptied out the freezer of all *his* foods - I'm erasing his life. Pretty soon it'll be like he was never here. Eventually that room will be empty and all trace of him will be gone and it breaks my heart. For the most part I'm putting everything into boxes which will go in the garage where I can either go through them years from now or never. I'm going to label the boxes that contain things I know I *will* want to see again and some things will be put in my room although I'm trying not to build a shrine in there. I still have to find the strength to go through the clothes in our closet and his dresser.
I did find a bunch of photo albums he put together that I never even knew about. It's mostly our very early years on up through our very first visit to California in 1994. It was fun looking through them until it wasn't. I can only take old pictures for so long and then it's overwhelming because I know we'll never get the chance to make new memories.
I'll probably be back in that room again tonight, and every night until it's finished. I hate this part. I'm going to have to spend all my holiday time off working on this project. I'm making a vow right here and now that next Christmas I'm going to spend 2 weeks on a beach somewhere with nothing to do except decide who gets to rub suntan lotion on my back each day.
And I hate being so strong that nobody realizes how close I am to falling apart, how much I long to have somebody just hold me until the storm passes. Nobody ever sees the storm. Nobody would ever even know there is a storm raging inside me if I didn't write it down here. No one realizes how alone I feel (I know you do, dear reader, because I mention it every other word and I do apologize but nobody is forcing you to read this) because all they ever see is the smiling face. They hear the laughter and don't bother to look beneath the surface.
Basically, the real me is invisible. I think it's always been that way; I don't know how to change. I guess I fear that if I really let people see what's inside no one would care and I'd just break into a million pieces and get swept away by the wind.
December is rolling along and I'm rolling with it. Because it's the holiday season there have been a few fun events happening.
One of Taz's favorite things to do at Christmas was "adopt" a child or family that wouldn't be able to provide Christmas for the kids and help them. We did this almost every year, even the ones where we were struggling ourselves.
Taz grew up poor in France and always felt the sting of not having Christmas presents when all the kids around him did so he was determined to help other children so that they'd never have that feeling.
I also think he loved doing it every year because it meant he got to shop in a toy store and pretend to be a kid.
This year I decided to continue the tradition to honor his memory even though I'm struggling. I'm ok with no Christmas but I never want a child to feel that way.
Charlie got dressed up in her Santa's Little Yelper outfit (she had 4 Christmas outfits to choose from) earlier this week and we delivered presents to the motel where a bunch of families live full time because they can't afford the rent prices in the area. These are hard working families who still have fallen through the cracks. I wish I could do more for them but I'm happy to have done my part...and Taz's.
My chorus sings Christmas carols around town all during December after the pressure of our concert is over. Here we are at the local hospital. I look forward to this all year. There I am on the left, in the green shirt and Santa hat.
I was especially happy to have my god daughters join me this year. Here is the oldest being goofy. She loves to sing as much as I do so I was really happy to share this experience with her. As a pre-teen she bores easily but she really seemed to enjoy this. I hope it inspires her to join a chorus when she's older. She already sings with her elementary school chorus; I love that she's getting started early.
And finally, there's an ugly sweater contest at work. Last year I didn't feel up to participating but this year I was ALL about it. I got my sweater early and couldn't wait to wear it. I even accessorized with the perfect beret. The skirt has bells so I jingled every time I walked. I was feeling sassy and jingly all day.
Unfortunately, everybody at work told me I was too cute to be ugly so my hopes for winning have been dashed but I'm always up for being called cute! I had to get gas for the car that morning and a group of guys in a pickup truck told me I was cute too...at least that's what I choose to believe they were yelling out the window. ;-)
I was going to wear this to go caroling at the hospital but it was very hot that day, too hot for long sleeves and leopard print. Hopefully I'll get another chance when my friends and I go caroling through the neighborhood next week.
Taz loved Christmas and the entire holiday season. There were years when I didn't feel very Christmasey because of our financial struggles but he always wanted to celebrate. One year I refused to put up our big tree so he went out and got a little tree and decorated it while I was at work (he was home looking for a job) just to surprise me and remind me of the joy of the season despite our circumstances.
I think that's one of the benefits of marriage - you take turns cheering each other up, supporting each other. He wasn't always upbeat and cheery, he could go very dark, but never at Christmas no matter what was happening.
So, in that spirit, I'm having a holly, jolly Christmas this year even if it's just Charlie and me.
