November

 It's November, a bittersweet month for me. On one hand it's birthday month for me and several members of my family and we go all out in celebrating our birthdays so there's lots to look forward to. I really love birthdays (everybody deserves to feel special once a year!) and I enjoy pampering myself all during the month. Next week I will be driving 2 1/2 hours to get my hair trimmed by the stylist I had for 10 years in California who has now moved to Florida; I am so excited to see her again after a few years. I also see a mani/pedi in my future!

On the other hand it's the month I had to say goodbye to Taz 3 years ago. The 15th is coming up and that's the day I got the phone call that he'd had a seizure and had been taken to the hospital. Because he was in a coma by the time I got there, I never got to talk to him again and just a week later, on the 22nd, he was gone forever. In between those dates was my worst birthday ever.

Each of those dates is a blow to my heart and because the 22nd was Thanksgiving that year, I think about it all over again on Thanksgiving day no matter what that date is.

In addition, the whole idea of birthday month started with my sister who was born on the 28th of November and nobody took more pleasure in it than she did. I can't think about this month without missing her. It's been 3 years I've been without her too and I really wish she was still around; I have so much I'd love to talk to her about and I know she'd be thrilled about my new family.

I have lots to distract me from such thoughts these days. Halloween is a favorite time at our house and we had a fantastic Halloween weekend - 2 nights of being out in costume at the town festival and then trick or treating on Halloween itself. Next year we'll be getting married on Halloween weekend so I've been busy snapping up decorations at a discount to put away for next year.

Speaking of the wedding, we're moving right along with our planning. When Chris first proposed back in July we didn't really talk about the wedding for a couple of months. Quite frankly, I think he was taking his time to wrap his head around the whole idea of getting married again and I wanted to give him the space and time to get used to it. I have to admit though that every once in a while I would drop the word "wedding" into the conversation just to see the terrified look pass across his face.

Then one day, out of the blue, he turned to me in the car and asked what sort of wedding I wanted and we came to a few decisions. Turns out we both wanted something small and fun and not the big stuffy formal event that many people have. We put together a guest list and a few days later Chris came up with a cool idea for something we could mail out to remind people to Save The Date. That's a crafting project that will require a couple of future blog posts!

Last weekend we crossed a big item off our wedding to-do list - we picked a venue! I never imagined finding a place for our wedding would be so difficult. I LOVE weddings and party planning and had mentally been planning possible events for years so I figured finding a place for our wedding would be easy. I was so wrong.

We had too many people for most small venues and not enough people for the big ones and everything was way more expensive than we were hoping for. I was getting discouraged and frustrated and then a friend, who writes a book about Disney (and Orlando) weddings, asked me to check out some pricing for her and, whammo, I found the perfect venue with an intimate package that seemed made for us.

I made an appointment for Chris and I to take a tour and the minute we walked on the property we knew it was the place for us, there is a peaceful vibe there that allows you to forget a frenzied world exists outside that space which makes it the perfect place for a wedding. Plus it's a watersports recreation site so we'll get a discount on equipment rentals for the rest of our lives. I love the fact that we can take the kids there in the future to jet ski and boat and visit the place we got married.

So now we know where we're getting married and we don't have to think too much about the rest of the planning until next year except that I have already started stressing about my dress because I have no idea what to wear. It's my 2nd marriage so there's an argument to be made that I shouldn't wear a traditional wedding dress but it's my first wedding and I really want the whole fairytale, I want to look like a bride but I also want to look unique and not like every other bride out there. I'm hoping that, just like the venue, the perfect dress will magically appear and I'll know.

Of course all of the wedding stuff makes me think about Taz and sadness mixes in with the happiness. I can't believe it's been 3 years since I've been able to talk to him and laugh with him. No matter how happy I am at present I am always going to miss him. 

I've accepted that my feelings are always going to be mixed, intertwining joy and grief - exactly how I will always feel about November.

branded

 

So Chris and I kinda did a thing.

A post-engagement thing.

No, we didn't go get married.

We got matching tattoos!

Yeah, they're big.

Yes, they are real and permanent.

Yes, it hurt...but only a little for me, I almost could have taken a nap for most of the 5 1/2 hours I sat there. Chris was a little more vocal during the almost 8 hours that he sat for his tattoo but, in his defense, his skin is tougher so the tattoo guy had to poke him harder.

It was all Chris's idea and he actually found the design. We love The Nightmare Before Christmas so the original idea was for me to get Sally and he would have Jack but then he found this design and as much as we love Jack and Sally, we love the Joker and Harley Quinn even more so a design combining all of them - SOLD! 

So now we've both been branded and it's kind of cool to catch glimpses of his matching tattoo - just one more step on the road to forever.

Speaking of forever, we've made our first wedding decor purchase! We have a thing for skulls and I, especially, love sugar skulls so we're going to incorporate these candle holders into our table centerpieces.

Now if we only knew where those tables will be, we still haven't made much progress figuring out when and where but we're working on it. Planning a wedding for 14 months from now isn't the highest priority, planning for Halloween in a month is way more important!

Just wait till you see my costume...next time.

I have news!

 

Did you miss me? I can't believe I let most of the spring and all of summer go by without documenting it. There has actually been a lot going on for the past few months.

First of all - I broke myself again. Remember how I fell while doing a 5k and broke my left arm 2 years ago? I did it again (without the 5k) and this time I evened it out and broke the right arm/shoulder.

Needless to say, I was not happy at all to have to go through all of that pain and inconvenience again - 6 weeks of wearing a sling and doing everything with just one hand...and this time it would be my left hand that had to pick up the slack. It was quite amusing to have to eat left handed but I eventually mastered it and rarely dropped anything. The hardest part was not being able to drive which meant losing my independence. 

BUT unlike 2 years ago, I was not on my own this time and that made all the difference. I was very well taken care of during my healing time and I had an additional incentive to get well as soon as possible...

We are engaged and have a wedding to plan!

It wasn't a complete surprise, we had been talking about it as we got closer to our 1 year anniversary in June and by the end of that month he'd picked out a ring. I think he had plans for a romantic proposal but when I broke my arm and was sitting on the bed crying waiting to go to the ER after he got me dressed,  he got down on one knee in front of me and slipped the ring on my finger just to see me smile.

It worked.

A week later we drove 3 hours to have lunch with my family (they drove 3 hours too) so that Chris would have a chance to meet my brother and I could show off the ring. My family thought it would be funny to all show up with slings on. They are adorable. 

They are happy for me and that's nice but the whole getting engaged after the death of a spouse thing is a little weird, I must say. 

First off there's the response I get from people outside of my family. Everybody is happy for me but they also seem to feel the need to let me know that they think it's perfectly ok for me to be happy again in a tone of voice that makes me feel like maybe they don't really feel that it's ok so they're overcompensating by saying they do think it's ok. Does that make sense? It's like deep down they kinda feel weird about me being with someone other than Taz or that maybe it's too soon but they realize it's been almost 3 years so it's really not too soon so they pat my hand and say "it's ok that you've found someone else, you deserve to be happy" with as much sincerity as they can muster but they can't quite make it convincing because they really don't know how to feel about it.

I get it, it's still weird for me to think of a future without Taz in it. I miss him, I miss talking with him, I miss his really bad jokes and oh my gosh I miss his cooking. To think that I'll never again taste some of his signature dishes like Cha Gio or bbq ribs or the amazing mashed potatoes that he always made for me seriously makes me want to cry.

It's kind of a weird dynamic, I am completely happy in my current relationship and excited for our future but I acknowledge that I miss my old life too and I imagine it'll always be that way. 

I'd like to think Taz would be happy for me and wouldn't want me to be alone.

As for the wedding, we're not rushing anything and are setting our sights on doing something by the end of next year. I have ideas (of course I do, I'm a planner!) and Chris has ideas and now we have to figure out how to fit all those ideas together. It won't be big but it will include all the special wedding-y traditions that I never got a chance to do the first time since we eloped. I know I want a pretty dress (shhh, don't tell anyone but I actually purchased the dress in May, a full 2 months before we got engaged) and a cake because I love cake. I want something intimate with just immediate family and a couple of friends. Chris swings back and forth between just the 2 of us or inviting all of his enormous extended family. LOL

We've only been engaged for 2 months and haven't discussed the W word all that much (Chris still turns a little green when he hears the word wedding) but I'd like to get most of the plans nailed down by the end of the year so that I have several months to plan and scheme...I mean dream. I love weddings and missed out on it last time so I want to make the most of this engagement period. I don't plan on ever having the chance to do this again so I'm going to enjoy my time as a fiancee.

universal

 

one of the things i really want to do for the kids is expand their world beyond our little town and give them new experiences so chris and i decided to buy annual passes for the universal theme parks and try to go there at least every month or two. why not take advantage of living so close to orlando and all it has to offer?

i think the best part was keeping it a secret from the kids until we got there. they had all sorts of guesses but never figured out where we were going until they saw the signs for universal and the harry potter rides and then there was pandemonium in the car when they realized; it was a priceless moment.

to be completely honest, the kids weren't the only ones thrilled to be there. i have always enjoyed universal. taz and i were annual passholders for a year and i have a lot of happy memories at those parks. it was nice to be able to come back and make new happy memories as well as see my favorite hello kitty store and statue.

hello kitty is a favorite with my 8 year old as well. there is a whole store of hello kitty merchandise and we want to buy 2 of everything...we are really going to have to save our allowances.

my 6 year old was more interested in the giant donut than hello kitty.

we rode a lot of rides, stood in a lot of lines, walked our feet into the ground and had an amazing family time that day. i look forward to many more days just like that.

in other news, i received my first dose of the vaccine (no side effects) and will be fully vaccinated by the end of this week. with more and more people being vaccinated, i have hopes that our lives will return to some form of normal as the year goes on. it's an experience that none of us will ever forget, i imagine. i certainly know people who refuse to be vaccinated (and who subscribe to conspiracy theories that i have no use for) but i consider it not only for my benefit but for the benefit of society as well and i'm happy to do my part.

we continue to work on our house and have finally gotten cabinets in the kitchen! i'll do a house update in another post but for now we're getting ready to head off for a new weekend adventure, a road trip to celebrate our grandson's 5th bithday!

my unexpected weekend

 

sometimes you can do all sorts of planning and things just don't work out the way you intended but they work out the way they're supposed to.

my life is definitely a prime example of that - i never planned to have another relationship after taz because taz was always going to be there. i certainly never planned to be a bonus mom and grandmother at this point in my life and i definitely didn't plan on cooking dinner and doing multiple loads of laundry each week when i'd spent a lifetime avoiding most of that, lol, but here i am, living my best life...ok, not the cooking and laundry, i could do without those.

this past weekend was certainly unexpected and yet, i think it was one of the nicest weekends i've had in a loooooong time.

we were supposed to go to alabama to help a friend of chris's build a deck. i had planned the whole thing - found a great boarding place for charlie, rented a car for the long drive, packed my suitcase for the 3 days.

friday morning went according to plan - i dropped charlie off at her pet resort and wished her a happy weekend. taz and i never spent a night away from charlie so it's a little weird to board her now but i know she's getting good care. this place even has a tv in each room tuned to animal planet although i have no idea if she enjoys watching.

i came back home to pick up the rental car and that's where things fell apart. the rental company had rented out our suv to another couple and didn't have anything of similar size to give to us. we objected strongly and spent some time on the phone but in the end nothing changed so we didn't get a rental car. i was reluctant to put so many miles on my car and then we heard from family and friends about severe weather in the area where we were headed which caused us to reconsider the advisability of the trip. the final straw was when the friend called and said they hadn't been able to get all the materials for the deck and we probably wouldn't be able to work outside anyway because of the weather.

it was unanimous, the universe was sending us signs that we needed to postpone.

now the fun part - since Chris had already taken the whole weekend off from work and the kids were with their mom and charlie was already at her pet resort, we had a whole weekend together...just us. this almost never happens, i can't even remember the last time it was just us. so i quickly suggested that maybe we could run up to st. augustine on saturday, just for the day.

st. augustine was always a favorite spot for taz and me, we both loved the quaint old part of the town that reminded us of european villages and our beloved carmel-by-the-sea in california so a part of me wanted to relive old memories but most of me wanted to make new happy memories with chris in a place i love. he had been there a few times as well and was all for the trip.

one of the things i love about st. augustine is a gourmet popsicle shop called The Hyppo. they have the most imaginative flavors and it's lighter than ice cream. i pretty much propelled us straight there as soon as we were out of the car.

chris, unfortunately, was not a big fan of the flavor he chose but my blackberry goat cheese popsicle was amazing!

we spent a few hours just walking around all the shops, bought some organic soap and a very cool skull mask...we both have a thing for skulls, fun little souvenirs from our first getaway.

we were having so much fun that i didn't want to go back home just yet so i asked if we could spend the night even though we hadn't planned for it and had no luggage. lol

but finding a room was almost impossible. there was nothing in st. augustine so we decided to drive down to daytona which is where chris used to live. unfortunately this was the last official weekend of spring break and everything was sold out so i was losing hope until i made one last phone call and, yippee, i found a room! it was a hotel on the beach and the only room they had was facing the parking lot but i grabbed it.

before checking into our room we grabbed some dinner. i had been wanting to try a burger that had donuts for buns for a while now. i wasn't sure i'd like it, i was just intrigued. turns out i'm not a fan...at all. i had 2 bites and then cast it aside. luckily we'd ordered some appetizers so i didn't go away hungry.

we got to the hotel and found out they had put us in an oceanfront room and everything was perfect. it's a small place, very quiet and peaceful and each room has a small balcony overlooking the big, beautiful atlantic ocean.it was very romantic.

the hotel had a pool and we thought we really needed to go swimming so we walked across the street to get some swimming items and then chris jumped in the pool. he should have checked to see if it was heated first because he let out a scream and got right back out of that pool. i was laughing so hard all the way back to our room that he actually had to push me up the stairs because i kept stopping to laugh and then i had to catch my breath. he didn't think it was nearly as funny but i'm chuckling right now just thinking of it.

we walked on the beach, we took selfies with the beautiful background that's too dark to see, we unwound with some wine coolers and just relaxed for the first time since december. it was exactly what we needed.

of course the next day it was back to reality but at least not right away. we had breakfast at a local diner and then spent some time with chris's grandson at the flea market.

none of it was planned and yet, i'm pretty sure it was exactly what we were supposed to be doing.

back on track

 

sometimes you just need to talk things out...and talk...and talk. relationships can be hard and two people can look at a situation from very different angles but communication is key.

and sometimes you find yourself coming to an even greater understanding of what you want. this is NOT an engagement ring but it is a promise and i love it and i look forward to our future.

selling my house was very stressful and emotional and even though the process was seamless, it seemed to take forever to get everything cleared out of that house. and then it took even longer to get the last of the stuff cleared out of the uhaul truck but as of last night, that has been accomplished and now all that's left is to go through everything in storage and see how it fits into our new house but i'm willing to let that process take a couple of months because i need a break.

one thing that helped me feel a little more normal this weekend was taking my 8 year old for a spa day. she'd never had a mani/pedi and i haven't in a long time so we indulged a little and it was awesome.

and one final thing that helps put me back on the road to normal is  being able to get my air conditioning fixed. it had been failing since october and finally just quit working in december. luckily it's mostly been cool this winter but this past month has seen more than a few 90+ degree days and making the almost 2 hour commute (each way) to work in that weather with no air has been brutal and given me more than a few headaches. with the sale of the house i finally had enough money to get it fixed this week and i'm so happy. i don't dread tomorrow's commute now.

so life has its ups and downs and goes on. coming up is a road trip or two or three, can't wait!

change

 

i went online just a little while ago to check on my mortgage account and it says it's "inactive" which means it's been paid off and i no longer have that obligation.

sweet!

after paying that mortgage for over 20 years along with a rent payment for whatever california house we were living in at the time, it's amazing and weird to not have that hanging over my head anymore. of course the downside is that i also no longer have access to the house. lol

but it also means that i've finally achieved something i wanted for a very long time - i'm unencumbered and fancy free. i could grab charlie, jump in the car and head west or north and be a free spirit blowing in the wind, heading wherever the road takes me...and i could do it for a very long while until the money runs out. not the smartest thing to do, i admit, but today it's very tempting.

i find myself questioning a lot of things lately. i'm having trust issues, sitting back watching a situation develop to see where it goes knowing that either everything will be fine or i'll be starting over yet again but at least this time i'll have taz's last gift to me cushioning the blow.

stay tuned, things are going to change one way or another.

gone

it finally happened - my house is gone.

well to be more specific, my house has sold, we closed and it's no longer my house.

and i know i'm supposed to say that it's great, i'm moving on, blah, blah, blah but it's damned hard and i'm sad and feeling more than a little lost. i know that taz had intended me to live in that house forever and was trying so very hard to pay it off so that i wouldn't have to make the decisions i ended up making but i also know that he would have understood and been happy that the sale of the house has given me a little bit of security that has been badly lacking in the past few years.

we worked very hard this month to clear out the house, i set a deadline of the end of the month and i intended to stick to it because, quite frankly, i needed the money. so we spent a couple of sundays loading up uhaul trailers to bring furniture, clothing and boxes to our new house. my dining room table, my bedroom set, my guest room bed, my bookcases, my coffee tables and end tables, my desk - all of those things are now our things and being used in the new house. it's nice to see pieces of my old life being remade for our new life. i'm glad i didn't have to leave everything behind. i certainly left a good deal of things behind, things that i will probably regret. i threw out of lifetime of stuff but then so much was already lost when i couldn't pay for the storage unit in california...all that stuff has been auctioned off now so what did it matter if more was lost?

to be quite honest, letting go of that beloved house was almost more than i can take especially when i'm feeling a little unsure about my next steps. as lovely as my new family is, i want more of a commitment and chris seems happy with things just as they are and i honestly don't know what to do about that. i'm a commitment kind of girl. i'm not ready to get married but i want things to progress to the next level especially since i'm spending so much time taking care of the kids and the fact that he doesn't want an official commitment makes me sad. i feel like i deserve someone who is excited about being with me and who wants to proclaim it to the world, not someone who feels pressured. 

right now a big part of me would like to run away for a little while, get on a plane, go somewhere with happy memories and just lose myself in the crowd. 

 

my unexpected life

 

i'm back!

did you miss me? i can't believe how long it's been since i've written. back when i was lonely and unhappy i couldn't go more than a day or two without writing but now that i'm happy it seems like writing is the last thing on my mind.

but i really do want to change that because i want to document everything about my new unexpected life. every day i have new experiences in motherhood or being part of a couple with someone new after 30+ years of being mrs. taz and i want to always remember every step of the journey.

so we're still working on the new house and it's a process. i've always heard that home renovation can be a real test of a couple and i can definitely see why but we're still doing well and finding some time to just be a couple (or a family if the kids are with us) rather than get bogged down in all the projects that still need to be completed or sniping at each other out of frustration. the man of the place is taking good care of us and making this house into a real home although i know he's more than ready for everything to be finished so that he can rest when he gets home from a long day at work without having way too many projects hanging over his head.

we took time out to visit the county fair and picked up our first bit of "artwork" for the wall - a family photo taken on our land back in december. it's printed on a wooden crate and i think it turned out very nice. we put it up on the wall next to the front door so we see it every time we leave the house.

shortly after our fair weekend, my sister came for a visit because she was doing some job training less than an hour away. since she lives 7 hours from me and we don't get to see each other all that often (especially since COVID) so it was a real treat to spend some time catching up. she's intrigued by my new life, especially the fact that i'm a new "mother" after decades of being childless. she even bought the kids presents from their new aunt so, needless to say, she was a big hit. it was nice knowing she was in the area last week and i started missing her the minute her car left the driveway; hopefully we can get together again soon.

in other news we have spring break to look forward to. my man has to work so i've taken a couple of days off from work and planned fun activities for the days we have the kids and we're also planning a long weekend at the beach - our first family vacation. i am so very excited about that!

i thank God every day for these 3