eyes

Something weird happened yesterday; I had a problem with my eyes.

I woke up and things were a little blurry. That's not unusual, I'm usually sleep blurred for a few minutes. But this blur didn't go away. It didn't affect the way I saw the world, I didn't even notice anything on the drive to work but I couldn't read things on my computer screen. It was like someone had smeared Vaseline on my right eyeball but only in a few places.

Luckily I had a pair of "readers" here at work because sometimes, when I'm dealing with numbers (I do bookkeeping,) I want to magnify things a bit just to make sure it's a 3 not an 8. LOL

And when I put the glasses on which made everything larger, I could see the computer screen perfectly. So that's how I got through my work day, putting on the glasses when I had to read the screen, taking them off when I was talking to people. It was kind of exhausting but I was glad there was a solution.

I know that eyes age and things get blurrier as you get older. I've been lucky not to have experienced much of that but I started to wonder if I'd suddenly aged overnight and this was going to be my reality from now on. It made me think of Taz because he was very near-sighted and everything was a blur to him first thing in the morning before he put on his glasses or contacts. And his eyes were getting worse, it was his fear that he'd go blind and become a burden to me. So, in some weird way, having my world suddenly go a little blurry made me feel closer to him.

By the end of the day things were starting to clear up and by the time I got home from work I could read everything on my computer screen. This morning I'm at work and having no trouble so that's weird but good.

I'm sure I should go to an eye doctor but I don't have insurance or any extra money for the exam so I'm just going to breathe a sigh of relief that it wasn't a permanent thing and hope it doesn't happen again.

mood swinging

I've always been a fairly easy-going person, not given to wild swings of emotion. I've basically been pretty happy and optimistic, rarely letting myself get down for too long, not letting temporary problems get to me.

It was a good contrast to Taz who had a tad bit more volatility to his nature. And anybody who knew him would be chuckling right now because that was the understatement of the century.

So it's been hard for me to deal with the "new" Jonni who seems to have mood swings on an hourly basis. I've given myself emotional whiplash on a drive to work going from happy to sad to giggly to flat out sobbing in just 30 minutes based on the random thoughts that go through my head.

Take last night, I left chorus rehearsal feeling great and not 10 minutes later I was wracked with grief thinking about how Taz always used to text me 15 minutes before rehearsal ended to let me know what the traffic was like on my way home and which road to take. I always appreciated that thoughtfulness on his part because it really came in handy. Unlike other times when his "thoughtfulness" came across like micro-managing or nagging. LOL

So there I am, driving down the road with tears running down my face, almost doubled over from the physical pain of grief marveling at how quickly I went from happiness to sorrow. And then, just like that, by the time I got on the highway (which was wonderfully traffic free) I was ok again so no trace of the pain, sorrow and tears even remained when I walked in my house.

Weird.

Or how about when I wrote yesterday's blog post and I was feeling pretty good about the weekend but then I read it back to myself and realized that the weekend actually hadn't been that great. I had a crappy Friday night trying to be a social person and failing and ended up crying in a fast food parking lot...again. Saturday morning was good only because it was an unusual situation unlikely to ever happen again. Saturday afternoon was emotionally draining (clearing out Taz's clothes from the closet) and I cried a LOT then Saturday night my plans to go out fizzled when the other person canceled, which I don't blame her for (I've wanted to cancel tons of plans over the years) but it still left me feeling lonely, another case of nobody wanting to spend time with me and I ended up in another fast food parking lot. Hey, at least I wasn't crying this time.

Sunday was unequivocally a good day and that's what left the lasting impression that it was a good weekend for which I'm grateful. But while I was happy with the weekend while writing the blog post, I felt quite depressed and sad when I read it.

And then there's my job which I loved when it was part-time but find it increasingly difficult now. I was happy (well, as happy as one can be on a Monday morning) to come into work yesterday but then things happened and the day was stressful and suddenly I had that trapped, I hate my life, nothing is ever going to get better feeling on the drive home. 

And I do feel like it's never going to change, never going to get better. Have I used up all the good times (and I've had so many good times) and now it's just pain from now on?

I know that's probably just my grief talking but that's how it feels to me. I keep trying to change things. I've been doing the meetup things for a year now and I haven't made a single friend. I wish I could look for another job but I need the flexible hours of the one I have now because my roommates need help picking up the kids from school and most jobs wouldn't let me leave at 3:30 pm 2-3 times a week. 

I've heard of widows starting over in a new place and I must admit the idea intrigues me but then I'll hear stories about how that was a big mistake and they are unhappy and wish they hadn't done it. For me to do that I'd have to sell the house, my biggest connection with Taz. What if I did that and then decided it was a mistake? That's a mistake I can't undo.

So I try not to think about these things and instead focus on keeping busy, a mindless sort of busy to keep myself from thinking too much. But that's not me, I despise mindless things. 

See - whiplash. 

Oh well, at least when I get tired of thinking about my problems I can always think about my mother's problems, which have become mine. I'm still on the Medicaid merry-go-round. She was denied because they didn't have all the information they wanted (even though I thought I'd provided everything they asked for) so I applied again and I just got a letter today that they need more information - some of which I don't have access to and don't know how to get it - and the deadline to provide all that stuff was yesterday. Yeah, that doesn't make my head hurt. Oh well, if they deny it again I'll just reapply and start all this over again.

Actually, thinking about all that makes me wish I only had my own problems to deal with. 

And I'm not even getting into the financial fallout from my broken arm. I'm in total denial about that.

So, for right now I'm going to go search for something to eat here in the office and go back to my stressful reports. Suddenly work is looking like the safest space I have.

Happy thoughts, think happy thoughts.

good weekend

I am happy to report that I had a good weekend. 

Bet you didn't see that coming, did you? 

Me either, after so much drama I'd forgotten what it felt like to have a normal weekend.

It didn't start off that way. I had plans for Friday night to go to that new Meetup group Happy Hour.  I was really nervous about it - here let me tell you about it in person:

In case you don't want to watch, I basically talked about how I was nervous and didn't really want to do this but had to in order to change my life and then I joked about trying to get out of the car and how I'd just go to the library if it felt uncomfortable.

Then I turned off the video and got out of the car. I really did, I swear. I walked to the restaurant, went in and THERE WAS NOBODY THERE! Literally nobody was at the bar where they said we were meeting and the live music wasn't playing. So I did what anybody who didn't really want to be there would do - I walked out, got in my car and went to the library.

Which was already closed for the night! Damn!

So I mustered up my courage and went back to the restaurant to try again. By now it's almost 90 minutes past the start time of the event and still no live music, no one in the bar. That was the end of my courage, I wasn't going to try any more. I ended up crying in the Wendy's parking lot until I could pull myself together and go home. And when I got home the roomies were all in their TV room and it didn't feel like I was invited in there so I just went to my room for the night.

At this point I'm sure you're asking yourself "didn't she say she had a GOOD weekend?" Don't worry, that part is coming next!

Saturday morning I woke up with the knowledge that I had the house totally and completely to myself. The roomies had an all day school event and had left at 6am. I know exactly when they left because the kids were not all that quiet and it woke me up. Luckily I was able to go back to sleep for another hour or so. 

It was an amazing feeling to walk outside of my bedroom and know that nobody else was around. I spent all morning enjoying the solitude, sitting on my couch, watching my TV, eating my breakfast without being asked to share. BLISS

Then I grabbed Charlie and we ran a few errands including going back to the library to get some books I had on hold.

Back at the house I decided to tackle a not so pleasant task - clearing Taz's clothes out of the closet. I don't want to talk about that right now.

Eventually it was time to get ready to go out. A friend had messaged me earlier in the week saying that she wanted to go out for drinks at a local spot I'd been wanting to try. Even though I already had plans to take myself to Epcot Saturday night, I canceled those plans and accepted enthusiastically because a) it was my friend's birthday weekend so I looked forward to spending time with her, b) she's the bff of my roommate and we've become friends ourselves this past year but we haven't spent that much time as the two of us, it's usually 3, so I thought this would be a great opportunity to get to know her better, c) it was Saturday night and the fact that someone actually wanted to spend time with me and I wouldn't have to sit home alone was amazing.

I had just finished getting my hair all perfect and was about to put on a 'going out on the town' outfit so you can imagine how I felt when I got a text from her which made it clear she really didn't want to go. I know how that feels, I've canceled (or felt like canceling) my fair share of plans so I put her out of her misery and floated the idea that we didn't have to go if she didn't want to. She jumped at it.

Ok great, I totally understand and I wasn't upset at her but I was disappointed. And since I'd just been through an emotional afternoon I didn't want to be sitting at home when the roomies returned so I improvised. I grabbed Charlie, ordered a pizza and went to pick it up. Then we had a pizza party in the car.

Why in the car, you ask? Because I didn't want to have to share. If I'd gone home and the kids were there, they would have asked for some pizza.  I wanted to keep the pizza so that I could eat the leftovers this week. I've learned that I can make a pizza last a whole week which is really good since I don't really have any food at the house these days and I often don't have dinner. I'm going to have to figure the food thing out eventually but right now the leftover pizza option seems good.

Charlie sure seemed to enjoy the rolling pizza party! It was actually fun and not at all pathetic that I ate pizza in a parking lot. Right? Hey, at least I didn't cry this time. I read a book on my phone because that's what one does on a Saturday night when they're all alone.

Back at home I could see that people had been there in the house but they were gone again so I ended up having the whole evening to myself as well. I can't tell you how much I needed a whole day of having the house almost back to feeling normal.

Sunday morning I woke up, fed and walked Charlie before anyone else got up and was back in my room to spend a pleasant morning. But eventually I decided to be social and spent the rest of the morning sitting in the living room with everybody or out in the back with my book. Notice I didn't say reading my book? As I suspected, having 3 kids around means you don't get much reading done. They all ended up in the back with me and between water pistols, lizards, bricks that they discovered in the garden which needed to be carried and stacked as a game, pool noodles which needed to be thrown in the pool and toes which had to be dipped in the icy water, there wasn't a whole lot of time for reading. Eventually their parents called them inside to watch a movie and I had time to read a chapter before I needed to leave.

Because I was finally getting to go to Epcot like I'd been trying to do for ages but my plans kept getting derailed.

I had a lovely time and finally got to have the amazing Peanut Butter and Jelly Funnel Cake one last time before the end of the festival.

I had stupidly thought that meeting Joe would put an end to my solo theme park trips but that wasn't the case and that's ok. I am learning to enjoy the time by myself. Well, enjoy is probably too strong a word, I'd still prefer to be with someone that wants to spend time with me but I'd rather be by myself than with someone that's there reluctantly. I definitely had a good time yesterday.

I ended the weekend by spending time with friends who snowbird down here (they live in Canada and come here for 2 months each winter to escape the snow) watching a movie in their motel room. I took Miss Charlie with me and she made herself right at home, falling asleep in my friend's lap.

They are down here for only another month so I hope to spend as much time with them as possible. 

So that was my weekend - doesn't it sound lovely?

passion

I got some rest (I was SO tired on Monday because I hadn't slept well) but I have to say, I still hate my life and don't see how I'm going to keep doing it for any length of time.

However, I don't hate everything. On Monday night I had a revelation - I love to sing.

Not much of a revelation, I agree, because I've always loved to sing but what I realized on Monday (at chorus rehearsal) is that my love of singing can transcend whatever is going on in the rest of my life.

I drove to rehearsal Monday night feeling very discouraged, the hour I'd spent at home after work had seemed endless. And then we started to sing and I felt light and happy. Really happy. All the tiredness and discouragement were lifted, at least for that 90 minutes.

That rehearsal room is as familiar and comfortable as my home used to be. The people I sing with are friends. This is my 5th year in chorus. It was hard to start, my shyness makes new situations almost impossible but my passion for singing overcame the shyness and I forced myself to go week after week into a room of strangers. And then, little by little, I found my group to sit with and now walking in there is like hanging out with family.

The music for this season covers the decades from 1940s to 1980s. In many ways, this is more difficult to sing than regular classical choral music even though the arrangements are much less complicated. Sometimes having a choral group try to go pop has less than desirable results, kinda cheesy. Hopefully we'll do it all justice.

I enjoy some of the music better than others. Not a big fan of the 70s but I do love the Beatles and there's a Billy Joel song from the 80s that I adore. We haven't practiced the 40s music yet but that's usually my favorite era to sing so I'm really looking forward to it.

There's even some solo opportunities and I'm definitely going to give that a try.

Taz was all about passion and he truly felt that everybody needed to find something to be passionate about in order to make life worth living. His catchphrase was Excellence Through Passion and he tried very hard to live that every day.

I haven't had a lot of passions in my life, I'm more easy going because passion requires a lot of energy and isn't always a positive force but I do know that my passion for music and singing is going to help me get through all of the other shit. I'm going to try very hard to focus on one happy thing each day in order to survive.

So for Monday, that happy thing was singing. It lifted my spirits and made me smile. I drove back home much lighter and happier...and then I escaped into my room to watch TV. LOL Baby steps.

Yesterday was a good day too, my happy thing was cat trivia and the return of something I thought I'd lost but that's a story for another day.

new era

Well, a new era has begun - I have a new phone!

It all happened quite suddenly. I have been using Taz's cell phone (and his phone number) for about a year now because the lovely pink phone he'd bought for my birthday in 2018 had stopped working.

I felt bad about having to stop using the pink phone, it had meant so much to me and I'd planned to use it forever, but I was also kind of happy to use something Taz had loved so much. He had a Note 3 which he got in 2013 or 14. It was definitely an old phone but it worked ok. It had been his constant companion for all those years. I can still picture him on the couch, nose buried in his phone. While I still prefer a laptop, he used his phone for everything.

So, every time I would get frustrated with its quirks and think about a new phone, I would think about how much this one meant to me and put away any disloyal thoughts.

Until this week when the phone started locking up on me every time I tried to use it. I finally had had it, it was time for a change. It helps that I received notice that my car insurance rates were going down and I will have help with the mortgage payment and utilities starting this month.

I went on the ATandT website and started looking for the cheapest phones they had. I contemplated an IPhone but I've been an Android girl almost since the beginning of cell phones. I did have an IPhone for a few years but when I saw the first Samsung Note phone, which was ginormous for the time, I was hooked. I had my Note 2 phone for many years until it got so old that many of my apps stopped working. Then I had my pink Note 4 for six months and then Taz's Note 3 for the last year. I'm nothing if not loyal so I clicked on the link for the Note 9. The price per month is exactly the same as the reduction in my car insurance so that seemed like a good sign.

And then I noticed that it came in lavender! Oh my gosh, that's only my very favorite color. It was like God himself came down and told me that I deserved something good in my life and that I should get this phone.

So I did.

It came very quickly - I ordered it on Wednesday night and it was delivered Thursday afternoon. Another great sign, right?

The camera on the new phone is amazing and I've only scratched the surface of what it can do, I'm sure. That's my god daughter, Kiki, playing on my old phone in my room last night.

She was in there because I was in there glued to the new phone all evening. I have a love/hate relationship with new phones. I only ever get them once my old phone has lived way past its prime so I'm always thrilled to get something that's going to work so much better but it's such a pain to set up new phones, get all the pictures and ringtones just right, get rid of all annoying notifications, install all the apps again, remember all the passwords to the apps that I haven't had to worry about for years. It can be a very stressful experience. LOL

This time, the most important part for me was getting my lock screen and home screen pictures back. The one above is my lock screen. I took that picture at Marina beach where we used to live. Taz was wearing his favorite explorer jacket, looking out at the ocean and probably dreaming of travel. I also have that picture on my wall here at the office because it epitomizes Taz to me.

This is my home screen picture. I also took this one on September 12, 2018 in Moss Landing, CA at Phil's Fish Market when we were on vacation. Going to Phil's was the only thing Taz really had on his agenda on our last trip to California. Being able to get cioppino there was a milestone for him. He had wanted it for the last few years that we lived in California but it's not cheap and we just couldn't afford it. Being able to get it in 2018 meant so much to him and made him happy so he asked me to take a picture to mark the moment. Now it means the world to me that he got this happy moment. Look at the smile on his face - priceless.

In front of Phil's

So last night the first thing I did once I got the phone activated was to put these 2 pictures up. They have been the pictures I've used on Taz's phone for this past year and they will be the pictures I continue to use for the foreseeable future. Having them on my new phone makes me feel like I'm not really leaving Taz behind even though I'm not using his phone anymore.

It's weird the little things you cling to when you lose someone you love.

One cool feature about my new phone is that I can take a picture by clicking a button on the stylus. This will take my selfie game to a whole new level...and you know how much I love my selfies! That was me demonstrating how it works in the picture on the top of this post. That will be the last time you ever SEE the stylus in the picture. I couldn't figure out how to get the stylus out of the phone at first, it didn't work the way my other 2 Notes had worked, so my youngest god daughter, the 8 year old, gently took the phone from me (as if I was an aging imbecile) and figured it out right away. That was just a little humbling.

I had a good evening last night. I had a couple of hours in the house by myself although I spent most of it in my room working on the phone. But I went out to the living room and ate my dinner while the rest of the family ate theirs then I even stayed out and watched a video (lord help me, it was another video of a guy playing Minecraft) although I was probably looking at my phone more than the TV. Then the kids grabbed my 2 other phones and started playing games on them. Eventually I ended up with 2 of the 3 kids (plus Charlie and at least one cat) in my room, everybody on a phone. The kids discovered that a piano app that I had on both of my old phones (that I only used to practice solos) had a game that lets you play songs on the piano so it certainly wasn't quiet in my room last night...and that was fine by me.

It's the start of a new era in so many ways - new year, new decade, new phone. I wonder what other new things the year has in store for me?

video

Never underestimate how important video is. We all know to take plenty of pictures of loved ones but, at least in my life, video hasn't been all that important.

I remember once Taz and I were watching a TV show about the home movies of the Kennedy family and he turned to me and said "we really should take more videos because these are priceless memories." And I totally agreed with him.

And we never did it.

After he died I was really sorry that we didn't have any videos because it meant I would never hear his voice again. Then a couple of little miracles happened.

I was at his former office and his partner asked if I'd ever seen the Tesla video.

Excuse me, WHAT Tesla video?

Oh my gosh, I couldn't believe it when I saw it. It was taken in late summer or early fall of 2018 so it was very recent. Taz was driving his partner's new Tesla...or it was driving him. I remember him telling me about that day. Even though it's very short, it means the world to me.

Then a couple of weeks later the daughter of a friend sent me a video that Taz and I had made to wish her mother a happy mother's day in the summer of 2017. Taz doesn't talk much on this video, only at the very end but it's just so him, especially right at the end.

These two tiny little videos are like gold to me. I'm putting them here because I was searching for them earlier today and couldn't find them right away and feared I'd somehow lost them. So now I have documented them in yet another location so that they don't disappear.

Right now seeing Taz on the screen seems very familiar to me. Even though I haven't seen or spoken to him in over a year, I swear it feels like just yesterday. But maybe that won't always be the case, maybe there will come a day when I start to forget what he sounded like but I'll always be able to come here and remember again.

It's weird, seeing and hearing him brings this bizarre mixture of pleasure and pain. I've missed his voice so much so I'm thrilled the first time I watch the video but repeated viewings leave me feeling sad and unsatisfied. I want to see more, hear more, hold a conversation as if this were Skype not just a video.

Is this overwhelming grief something unique to losing a loved one to death or do divorced people feel this way too...like they're just never going to get over this? Is there ever going to be a day that I don't dissolve in tears thinking about him?

I once saw a movie or TV show about someone that wanted to use a machine to erase all memories of their loved one because it just hurt too much. I do understand the inclination because I'm left wondering if this pain will destroy me one day but I can't imagine having no memories of him or our full, wonderful life together. I wouldn't even want to lose the painful, hurtful memories (and there were more than a few) because that's the truth of our life. To not remember even a part of it would be a greater tragedy than losing him was. 

But I kind of would like to stop crying.

the grief group

I thought I'd visit a grief group last night. They have one at my church, I'd known about it for over a year but last night was the night I decided to check it out. 

I just felt like things were getting to be a little too much and maybe I needed to talk to a few people and listen to their stories too.

So I sat in the parking lot where I could see the room where the group was supposed to meet. And I waited, and waited, and waited but nobody ever showed up except for the guy who was leading it. I waited until 20 minutes after the meeting was supposed to start. I really needed to be somewhat anonymous, I didn't want it to be a one on one kind of thing - at least not my first time. So when nobody else showed, I decided to leave without going in.

So much for trying to take care of myself.

I don't know if I'll try it again. I guess I had a vision of the AA groups I see on TV with rows of people so that you can slip in the back, listen for a while and then talk or not. I would want to talk eventually but not right away so me and one or two other people sitting around a table seems like way too much for me.

I think it's just the introvert in me reacting to the lack of quality alone time or maybe it's just that I really don't have anyone in my life to just talk to about all this stuff. That's why this blog is so important because it gives me a space to just unload - the good and the bad.

I'm just tired, I feel like I desperately need a vacation, to get away from reality for a little while. Between still grieving and missing my partner in crime so much, dealing with having my home change in so many ways and then my mother's problems (she was denied for Medicaid so I have to start the application process all over again and hope I don't make a mistake or she'll be kicked out of her nursing home) I am completely and utterly overwhelmed. And lonely which seems odd since I'm almost never alone anymore but there's a huge difference between people sharing the same space and people sharing their souls.

I guess it's time to try those Meetup things again and try to meet new people. Somewhere out there is a friend for me.

erased

I'm struggling at the moment. I wish I wasn't but there have been a lot of tears since yesterday.

I spent the weekend in Sarasota watching a friend's daughter dance in a competition. I went with my roommate D and her youngest daughter Z. The other 2 kids and D's husband B stayed home and took care of Charlie and the cats.

One of the things B wanted to do over the weekend was go through the kitchen cabinets and try to incorporate our 2 households...or so I thought.

I got home last night and the majority of my things were in piles in the living room while the cabinets were full of his things. He pointed to all my stuff and said "I know you're too tired after the drive to go through these things but maybe we can do it later to figure out what to throw out or donate or what will be boxed up to put in the garage."

And just like that I felt erased. All those "things" that seemed old or useless to him, were my life and my memories. Those mixing bowls were ones that Taz and I used to make everything. The turkey roaster, the slow cooker - all things Taz used on a weekly basis. Those palm tree plates - the ones we used for holidays. The rooster plates were from my childhood and Taz and I rescued them from my mom's house 2 years ago. And those cast iron pans that B said he never used to cook - well they were Taz's favorites and he used them ALL the time, almost every night. We had other pots and pans but the cast iron were always his first choice.

So no, I don't want to donate or throw away any of that. I understand that it's no longer my kitchen (although I had thought more of my stuff could stay) but those things are all I have left of Taz and it's killing me to see them cast aside, just some junk to put in the garage.

And just like that I knew that it was no longer MY house. I suppose that might make it easier for me to give it up in the future. No part of the house is mine anymore except for my room. I don't feel at home or comfortable there anymore. I don't do any of things there that I used to do.

I left shortly after arriving yesterday, just picked up Charlie and headed for McDonalds for lunch, then spent a couple of hours in the parking lot, crying. It looks like this 2nd year is going to be even harder than the first but I'm just so tired of trying. I'm so tired of living. I wish I could just stop living this nightmare.

And it feels like no one really cares. I texted a family member and told them I was crying in the parking lot and she completely ignored that and started texting about stuff going on with her. Oh yeah, that's why I never go to anybody for help - nobody gives a damn. I am an inconvenience.

I feel like I've given up so much already. When we moved from California we packed up our whole lives there into a storage unit and left it behind for the time being. We've paid for that storage unit for almost 4 years now hoping that one day we could ship all that stuff here; that's what we planned on doing. There are so many pictures, family heirlooms, a really great pair of boots, the suit of armor Taz bought for me for Christmas in 1995 or 96. But this month I decided not to pay for it and to just let all that stuff go. There isn't room in the house for the stuff I have now anymore, there certainly wouldn't be room for any of the California stuff. And I've thought of flying across country to go through the unit and at least ship back a few precious things but that's just not something I can do on my own and there's nobody to help me. Even if I could physically do it (which I can't) I don't think I would survive emotionally. I can't afford the plane ticket, rental car or motel room anyway. I haven't even paid my January mortgage because I haven't gotten any rent money yet and now it's February. Thank goodness I had my Christmas miracle, the mysterious person who gave me money in December, or I'd now be 2 months behind and heading for 3.

So, I've let the California stuff go (and I grieve for it) and now I'm letting all my kitchen stuff go for now. I don't want to be such a material person, I've always criticized that behavior in my mother but right now it feels like it's all I've got left and it's being ripped from me. My whole adult life has just been erased and it's almost more than I can bear.

After McD's I brought Charlie home and then took myself to Epcot to see a concert and eat a cupcake because today is cupcake day (I celebrate our anniversary on the 3rd of each month with a cupcake to continue a tradition that Taz and I had) and I wasn't going to be able to get to Epcot to get the cupcake today.

It was tasty but the frosting is peanut butter buttercream and that flavor completely overwhelmed anything else. I couldn't even tell you what the cake itself tasted like because all I could taste was peanut butter.

I also enjoyed the brie in a breadbowl at the France pavilion. 

Back at home I took a shower and cried like a baby thinking about all the kitchen stuff again. More tears when I went to bed, when I woke up at 3am and when I got up at 7 this morning. And I'm crying right now as I type this. Apparently giving up my kitchen was harder than I thought it would be. I honestly thought I wouldn't mind because I never used the kitchen nearly as much as Taz and he organized it originally. But maybe that's exactly why it is so hard, it was HIS kitchen and now it's not anymore. Just one more sign of his existence that has been destroyed.

And I'm about to do the final thing in the next week or two - his side of the closet. I desperately need the storage space if I'm ever to have a pretty bedroom again so his clothes need to be sorted through and given away.

And that just might be the thing that kills me.