out

Let me tell you all a little story about Toothbrush Guy.

Yeah, I went there. Friday at work was REALLY boring so I decided to respond but I was different than I'd ever been before. I was sarcastic, I called him out on the lines he was using, I made him talk first and ask me all the questions. I wasn't afraid to tell him he was being cheesy.

And he was right there with me, it was one of the most fun exchanges that I've had. He opened up a bit and told me his wife died 8 years ago. At first I was skeptical about the truthfulness of that but later he said something about his grief journey, almost as an aside, that rang true. It's something I don't think you'd know about unless you'd experienced it.

He called me on the phone, y'all. I am so not a phone person but we ended up having lengthy conversations and he made me laugh more than I have in a really long time.

I didn't want to get ahead of myself with any of it but I did let myself dream of a life beyond these 4 walls just a little. I started to look forward to deep sea fishing and walks around the lake, to cooking dinner together, to morning sex and breakfast in bed. And, of course, road trips because I want to travel so badly.

But then late last night he was keeping in touch while he was out at a pool tournament and he sent me a full length picture of himself at the pool hall and asked for one in return. And this is where cold fear entered my heart.

I sent him this one. 

Apparently I wasn't the fantasy girl he'd been expecting because he typed a couple more lines and then it's been radio silence ever since.

And that's exactly what I'd feared - I'm not enough.

I'm not enough because there's too much of me.

And the irony is that I look better than I ever have. I am wearing the smallest size I've worn since high school. I have hair for days. I look younger than my actual age and I look a damn sight younger than he does.

But it's not enough and it's exactly what I'd feared when I realized, after Taz died, that I was eventually going to end up out in the dating world again. It was not easy at 20, so much anxiety, so many feelings of inadequacy. I guess I'm damn lucky I had decades of not having to ever feel that way but being thrust back into all that angst at middle age is a cruel joke that life has played.

I wonder if this picture would have gotten a better response. I'm still not a Barbie but I'm proud of myself, who I've become, who I'm still becoming. I'm damn proud that I've lost weight during all of this and didn't turn to food for comfort. I feel good in my own skin but it's still disappointing that nobody else can see it.

Guys are jerks. They can say all the right words and maybe even mean it in the moment but, in the end, they return to their default setting of neanderthal. 

But for a little while I really enjoyed the attention. I liked having someone to talk to and laugh with. I could almost feel his hand in mine. I loved having him check in with me throughout the day. I told him I was going to Walgreens to shop for hair stuff and he called while I was there and had me in stitches describing all the rows and rows of products for women and the tiny little corner in the back for men.

For just a little while, I didn't feel all alone.

But that's it for me - 3 up, 3 down - 3 strikes and you're out.

I am so out.

dating

Adventures with dating continue!

Rather than let myself get discouraged I decided to get back on the horse and see if there were any new people to meet. Or maybe I was just sitting around bored on a Monday night.

So I got back on the app and this time I "liked" a few guys who hadn't "liked" me first just to see what would happen. Out of 8 that I clicked on, 6 have clicked back and now we're a "match." 

It's mostly been highly amusing. There's the guy that texts "good morning beautiful" every morning even though I never respond. I wonder how many girls he's texting that to?

There's the one whose first message was "Good morning, ready for road trips near and far, grab passport and tooth brush lol"  and that was it. Yeah, kind of a hard no on that. I don't run off with people I know nothing about...and I need way more than a toothbrush. LOL But seriously, I prefer people that don't use cheesy opening lines but rather share a bit more about themselves.

There was this one who sent a nice message that made me want to explore further. So we did and we texted pretty much non stop for 2 days. It wasn't just me, he was right there keeping the conversation going. I am not one of those girls who keeps bugging people if I don't hear back from them. He texted me to say good morning and I love that. So we finally decided to do a video thing yesterday so that we could see each other. We had a really nice conversation, I thought, but I'm coming to realize that I must be one of those people who are cooler online than in person because after that conversation (which he ended by saying "we should do this again sometime" which is the kiss of death) I haven't heard much from him. He was nice enough to text and wish me well on a work thing I'd told him about and when I responded to that he texted back to say he was out with friends for the evening. And since then it's been crickets, no good night text, no good morning text. 

And since this is the 2nd time someone has lost interest when they "met" me in person after some great texting, I guess it really *is* me. Now the first time it was totally mutual, I wanted nothing to do with the first guy after seeing him "in person" as well but this time, I really liked this guy and this one actually hurts. But only a little.

I've always known I wasn't a girl that made guys go wow at first glance. But if someone got to know me, I used to have pretty good luck at second glance. But that's when I was younger, maybe I'm just too old now. That's a depressing thought, nothing I can do about that.

Maybe I'll finally respond to the "good morning beautiful" guy.

I don't think any of this has been good for my self confidence so I'll just stop now. I've got Charlie. Who needs a man? I certainly don't need all the hand holding, cuddles and kisses in dark corners that I was being offered, right? 

I really wish I hadn't opened the door and let myself go there in my head, it makes it that much harder to get through my dismal reality day after day. I can't even hope to meet someone the old fashioned way right now so I guess I just have to be patient. 

I hate being patient.

I recently told a friend (who is best friends with my roommate and also seems overly invested in making sure I follow all the quarantine rules) that I'm not getting any younger. She responded by saying that none of us are. So she just doesn't get it. All of them are quarantining with their loved ones. They have husbands and children who love them. They get kisses and cuddles and someone to talk to. I don't. I get up in the morning and drive to my office where I spend all day by myself. I drive home and get 5 minutes of interaction with the kids before they all head off to their cave for an evening of movies as a family while I go eat dinner in my room and wait until it's finally time to go to bed and feel like life is just passing me by. So them not getting any younger is TOTALLY different than the situation I'm in and nobody seems to understand that. So I was trying to have somebody of my own and it bombed.

Oh well, tomorrow is Saturday so I have a whole weekend of doing nothing by myself to look forward to. Can't wait to get started.

Maybe I'll take another look at toothbrush guy...

lessons

They say there's no loss without some small gain. I guess that's true, this season has left me with a few important life lessons.

That's what I've learned from my home. I guess people are either going to trust you (the way that you trust them) or they are going to believe the worst and jump to incorrect conclusions no matter what you say or do. And there's really nothing you can do about that except walk away.

This is what I've learned from life. I know I'm vulnerable and lonely and just want someone to care enough to want to get to know me so badly that I'm leaving myself open but luckily, I'm damn strong and I can't be fooled for long. And I think enough of myself to say HELL NO when I realize I'm being played.

And I guess I should say thank you to the virus because I was able to learn this lesson without getting more than my heart involved. No, in retrospect, that isn't entirely true. My heart wasn't fully involved yet, I just wanted to believe it so badly that I was definitely heading there but as we never got a chance to meet, I was probably saved from an actual heartbreak rather than just the scrapes and bruises that I'm dealing with now. At least I know now that my good girl status isn't going to change, if my body gets involved, my heart will be leading the way.

And I wish I could say it was never going to happen again but I'm not going to give up trying to find my person so it's inevitable that I'll meet more jerks along the way until someone with actual integrity steps out of the shadows and into my life.

crash

I honestly thought I was doing better. I went away to a secluded place for Taz's birthday. Just Charlie and me in an empty house and we were close to the beach so we went in the morning and again in the evening when the beach was empty and we could enjoy all that beauty without worrying about germs.

It was peaceful and lovely and a bit of a fantasy. I thought I was feeling strong and I started conversing with someone (online) that I thought was going to play a big part in my future. I really thought things were working out even in all this time of uncertainty. I thought somebody actually cared enough to want to talk to me and laugh with me, someone who wasn't going to ghost. I had such hopes for the future.

But after soaring to new heights, today was the crash as yet another man acted like he's interested and then just isn't. I have yet another one to add to the discard pile and I'm starting to realize the common denominator is me. I'm starting to wonder what Taz ever saw in me, whatever it was, it's gone now and I'm so fucking tired of feeling all alone and unlovable in this life.

And people who I have trusted with my home and my friendship don't seem to be able to reciprocate that trust but tell me that it's all my fault. I know it's not been my imagination and I'm not going to be made to account for every second or feel guilty about not doing anything wrong. Today I was out for 4 hours, completely by myself, and I came home to 2 texts (from 2 different people) asking that I account for myself. I just don't think that's right, I have never once asked them to account for their time since we're all adults but I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of defending myself when I shouldn't have to and I'm really tired of feeling taken advantage of. There are many things to think about for the future and my hope of keeping my beloved home is fading.

It was actually a really good week and I had a lovely first part of my day today but the ending could use some work...however I'm just too discouraged to do anything about it so I'm going to cry myself to sleep and start again in the morning.

song

Charlie had a seizure the other night and that always scares me. She doesn't have them very often, the medication seems to be working but every once in a while one breaks through.

Luckily this time I saw her starting to head into it over on the bed so I went over there, lay down with her and sang her the song that Taz made up for her. I don't know if it helps her or not but I like to think it reminds her of happy times.

It was a short seizure and pretty soon she was out of it and acting like herself again and, once more, I breathed a sigh of relief.

This has been a frustrating week, hitting roadblocks all along the way regarding the banking issues and getting my windshield fixed but I am determined to prevail and make this coming week much better. It's going to be a hard one emotionally since it's Taz's birthday but I'm going to get through it the only way I know and hopefully make him proud of me.

Wish me luck!

18 months

18 months ago today Taz walked out of the front door on his way to work and he never walked back in. The conversation I had with him that morning was the last I would ever be allowed to have. I'm so glad I followed him to the door that morning and wished him a happy day. He wished me the same and, as he always did, told me to drive "bearfully" which was his silly way of saying carefully.

A whole year and a half has gone by since that morning that was so full of promise. It was a Thursday and we had so many plans for that weekend because we were going to celebrate my birthday. I had a whole weekend agenda planned and it was awesome; I'd been working on it for 6 months and I had a fun activity planned for every part of the 2 days.

And I find myself angry when I think about how completely different my life is now. I had a home and a husband and plans and dreams for the future. Now I have a house where I feel unwelcome and invisible and I feel like I have no one there for me on a day to day basis. My boss at work is probably the only one who takes the time to ask me how I'm doing and, quite frankly, as a mental health professional she's a little worried about my home situation. LOL

But I'm not going to dwell on it, I just can't. I don't mark the monthly anniversaries anymore, just the big ones like today. I have to "move on" they tell me and I am. I want to have plans and dreams for the future again although it's a little hard right now when no one even knows what the future will look like.

Every day I take a selfie to keep track of myself, make sure I'm really not as invisible as I feel, and I usually smile a little for the camera and it's an accurate reflection of how I feel at the time but this is how I feel right at this minute and more often than anyone would ever know. I am often overwhelmed and overcome with tears although I only let myself indulge for a little while before I pull it together because that's who I am.

I wish I had some of my distractions back. I got an email from the leader of Nerdy Movie Club basically saying he didn't know when or how we'd ever be able to resume meeting and it just made me so sad. I had finally found a place where I felt like I belonged and it made me happy and I only got to attend 1 meeting before the whole world blew up in our faces.

My chorus, which I love so much, is going to get together to do one song at an outdoor event next Saturday to honor veterans at Memorial Day and I want to be there with them so much but I worry that my tenants will find one more thing to be upset with me about if I go. I don't know why I care, they avoid me like the plague...or like I have the plague...so I don't think it could get any worse but I'm a people pleaser by nature and I don't know how to stop. I did get an email yesterday though about how we'll be spaced out in a big circle around the park rather than crowded on our usual risers and we can wear masks until the actual moment of singing and we're only going to do the one song rather than 2 so I feel like it might be safe so I'm still deciding whether or not to attend. I feel like I need to see their friendly faces because I'm so lonely that I might just break.

I don't think I expected to find myself here a year and a half into all of this. I think I'm stronger than I was, I feel like progress keeps being made, I know all this pandemic stuff is just a temporary setback that's keeping me in limbo, I know I've got this and I will prevail even if I end up being all by myself but right now, right at this moment, I'm sad and I'm feeling a distinct lack of hope. I think I thought I would be further along to my future by now and it annoys me that I'm not and that things are actually worse than they were a year ago at this time.

That sound you just heard, that's me picking myself up off the floor one more time and forging ahead. It's what I do.

battle

Some days you just have to laugh your way through the little battles. 

See this little pump top? It's such a little thing, something so disposable but Taz put it on our bottle of liquid dishwashing soap a couple of years ago. I'm not even sure where it came from but he put it on the soap because it's more convenient to pump rather than pick up the bottle and squeeze soap out. At least I think it's a better way to do it so I've transferred it to each new bottle ever since.

But recently, when the soap bottle got empty, I came home and found not only the bottle in the trash but the pump top as well. Ok, I understand that, the new people in the house don't know the significance of the top. So I fished it out of the trash and put it on the counter, behind a little trash can that only I use so that I could put it on the new bottle of soap when I got a new bottle. It wasn't in the way at all, not bothering anybody.

So imagine my surprise when I came home tonight and it was in the trash again. This isn't the first time I've found my things in the trash or on their way out of the house.

This is a little one-cup coffee maker that I bought for Taz a couple of years ago because he loved having a cup of coffee every day but didn't want to waste a whole pot (and I certainly wasn't going to drink any of that icky stuff) and didn't want to spend the money on a Keurig or those little pods. I found this one at Walmart and he loved it and used it every single day. It means a lot to me, it's one of my happy memories.

But I don't drink coffee so I never used it after he was gone and I made the mistake of saying that to my tenant when he was taking over the kitchen with all of his stuff. What I meant was that he didn't have to keep it out on the counter because I wasn't using it but what he heard was that I didn't want it at all. At least I assume that's what he heard because I came home the next day and this beloved coffee maker was in a box of things that he was donating.

What the actual hell? I'm so glad I saw it before it was gone forever.

Of course I swooped in and rescued my little coffee maker and it now sits on a cabinet in my bathroom so that I can keep it safe. I also rescued some of my other kitchen things from that donation box; even if I didn't need to use them right now, I didn't want somebody else to make the decision to get rid of them. I can't even imagine throwing out someone else's stuff and the more that it happens to me, the more it upsets me. It is not a battle I want to have to keep fighting.

But I prevailed in this particular battle. After I rescued the pump top from the trash (the 2nd time!) I hid it in my bread box until my new bottle of soap was delivered (luckily I had one on order for tonight) and now look at it fulfilling its destiny. It really was a genius move on Taz's part to come up with the idea and I plan on using this pump top on every bottle of soap that I have forever. 

Nope, I'm not overdramatic, why would you think so? ;-)

cracked

I desperately wanted to get on here and say that the banking issue that's holding up the Medicaid approval has been fixed...but I can't.

Remember I had a 2.5 hour appointment on Monday at which time I thought we'd been given the go ahead by the bank's legal department and it was just a computer glitch holding things up now. I was assured that I could come back on Thursday and we'd breeze right through it.

Ha.

I got to the bank 10 minutes ahead of my appointment and was ushered right in only to find out that the legal department hadn't signed off on it after all and that they still needed one more document - a document that I gave to the bank associate on Monday and I thought she had submitted it to them. I can't figure out why she didn't because it's an important piece of the puzzle and half of the reason I was in the bank in the first place but I had to give it to her again so that she could make a copy. And now she'll submit it to legal and open up a whole new claim and maybe they'll get back to her in the next few days and maybe we'll be good to go ahead and change things...maybe.

I am so frustrated, I took time off work AGAIN to go there today, got Charlie all up in her bag, put on a mask and it was all wasted because somebody didn't do her job the first time.

See that line going across the windshield (and yes, that's my car and Charlie in the reflection)? That's the big ass crack that happened this morning because a rock flew off the truck in front of me on the highway and hit my windshield. I watched that crack get bigger and bigger all the way to work. That's the first time that's ever happened to me in all my years of driving. 

It's kind of how I feel about life right now, I was going along, minding my own business when WHAM, out of nowhere a rock comes and changes things forever. I can still drive (function) but things aren't the same and they could get worse or it could just leave a permanent scar and distort my visibility.

With the car I can call my insurance and they'll send someone out to fix it or replace the windshield entirely...who do I call to get my life replaced?

Today is my 2 year anniversary at work, not that anybody except me remembers. Tomorrow is the year and a half anniversary of the last time I ever talked to Taz and nobody but me remembers that either. Such a happy anniversary and such a sad one right next to each other.

And next week is Taz's birthday and I just finalized plans to take care of myself on that day. I am not going to spend a moment of that day in my house of horrors where I might as well be invisible. Nope, not going to do it. While I would love for someone to knock on my door and sweep me away for some fun and love, that's not going to happen so I'm doing it myself. I'm so glad I have me.

puppuccino

Yesterday Charlie and I spent 2 1/2 hours at the bank trying to get something done to help the Medicaid application and we left there ( 1 hour after the branch had closed) with it still not completed! However, we are a tiny, baby step closer so that's the good news.

I'm so glad I took Charlie with me because it was way too hot to leave her in the car. I had contemplated just leaving her at work (the bank is a few miles down the road from my office) since I fully expected to be back within 30 minutes but decided against that thank goodness. I brought her bag with me so I stuffed her in there and just walked in the bank like it was an everyday occurrence to walk into banks with a dog. Maybe it is, everybody exclaimed about how cute she was in her carrier but nobody objected. 

She was a very, very good girl and laid quietly in her bag and went to sleep. She never made a peep the entire time. I, however, was not quite so quiet. I was a good girl too and didn't get grumpy or frustrated like I know a lot of people would (what's the point, they were just trying to help me) but I fidgeted a LOT in my seat as the hours went on. I got hungry and I really could have used a bathroom break and it got stuffy and uncomfortable with the mask on and I really wanted to rip it off but I didn't. I sat there (mostly) quietly and looked forward to getting out of there.

The bad news is that we have to try all over again on Thursday so there's another couple of hours where I am losing money by not being at work. Sigh, I hate this.

I decided I needed a treat after all of this and stopped at the Starbucks drive-thru. While at the window, they asked if Charlie wanted a puppuccino which is a cup full of whipped cream that they give out to dogs for free. Charlie has never had a Starbucks puppuccino before but she loves the pup cup at Twistee Treat which is a cup of vanilla softserve OR whipped cream depending on the location.

It was a success and a nice stop for both of us. All too soon we had to head back home and quite frankly, I'd rather spend time at the bank than at home.

mother's day

It's Mother's Day here in the US and I'm sure it's a very different Mother's Day for many people.

It's just a normal day for me now but I had lovely mother's days in the past. Although I never gave birth to my babies (I know I will see them in Heaven) Taz always made sure that the dogs remembered me on Mother's Day with cards and special meals and sometimes presents. Right now I'm wearing the ring that he gave me on the last Mother's day in 2018.

Mother's Day was bittersweet for him, his own mother, my beloved mother in law, died on Mother's Day and although it was a different date each year, I know that he couldn't help but think of her and his loss each year on the holiday. Kind of like how I'll always feel about Thanksgiving from now on.

But this year, I received a lovely Mother's Day present in the form of getting to see my own mother from a distance.

So this is my mama, she will be 98 next month! This picture was taken on March 23 which was the last time I was able to sit with her for a short visit. Her nursing home has been on lockdown since early March and they allowed just this one afternoon for a quick outdoor visit. The lockdown has been extended until July now so who knows if I'll ever get this chance again.

So when the nursing home wrote and said they were having a drive-by parade for Mother's Day, I quickly took a day off work and made plans to attend.

I worked on a poster to put on my car, something that could be hung in her room afterwards. I asked all my family to send pictures. 3 out of my 4 "siblings" sent something as did my brother in law. I couldn't use all the pictures (but I have plans to use everything for a birthday present for her next month) but I made sure that each family that sent something was represented. 

I arrived at the parking lot of the home at the designated time, decorated my car and waited to pull into place.

They started to bring the residents out to the sidewalk so Charlie and I walked around, me with a mask of course, to see if we could find my mom but I didn't see her. I started to worry I would be able to find her as I drove by.

We got the signal and pulled our cars into position and started driving around the building. Right away, as I pulled out of the parking lot, I could see my mother sitting in a wheelchair, staring blankly. I pulled alongside her and shouted to get her attention. I could see the confused expression in her eyes (the rest of her was masked up) and I know she didn't recognize me but I did see a glimmer of recognition when I held Charlie up for her to see.

I drove around the rest of the building very slowly, holding Charlie in my lap and making her wave her little paw at everybody. I could hear just about everybody, residents and staff alike, commenting on the cute little dog. She did look absolutely adorable in her little dress harness, waving her paw at everybody. She was enjoying herself too.

Back around to my mother who seemed to be scanning the road anxiously, stopped by her and this time she knew who I was but the only thing she said was - Charlie. LOL The nurses all laughed. I held Charlie up to the passenger window so that mother could get a better look. 

Right across from the nursing home there was a guy, who is probably a "resident" but has his own independent house, out there playing the keyboard for everybody. He was playing my favorite 1940s music and it set such a festive tone. I shouted out the window and thanked him for the lovely music.

I loved seeing my mother but I was also enjoying waving and talking to all the other residents. I saw staff members that I've met throughout the years and so many people exclaimed over the poster and I could hear them say "that's Miz Craven's daughter" as I drove past. I also heard quite a few people mention Charlie by name so I guess my mother has been talking about her granddog.

On my final trip around the building I stopped for a good long time (other cars just drove around me) and handed off a Mother's Day card and the poster to the nurses. My mother was fully aware of who I was by this point and we exchanged I love yous. I could see she was getting emotional, this time isolated from each other has been hard. Her nurse told me that she'd had a heck of a time getting my mother out of bed and dressed that morning, she had NOT wanted to come out and participate. So I asked my mother if she was glad the nurse had insisted and she smiled real big and said "oh yes!" and thanked the nurse. Hopefully that made it better, I am well aware that my mother can be a tad stubborn (I am doubled over in laughter as I type "tad" because my whole family knows my mother invented stubborn) and probably was grumpy (obstinate is more like it) about doing something she didn't want to do.

Then I had to drive away, not knowing when I'll see her again. I hate this part but it's also taught me a valuable lesson.

My relationship with my mother has been complicated all these years and if you'd told me the day would come when I would miss visiting her, I would have laughed you out of the room. But now I know that I do miss her. She's not been a "mother" for years, she's not someone I could go to with my troubles and receive comfort, even before the dementia, but I do care about her and I hate having to stay away and I now know I'll miss her when she's gone and I pray that it won't happen during this time...especially not when I'm working so hard to get her financial situation all settled. She used to joke that she wanted to live to be 100 and I would cringe inside because I honestly didn't know if I could deal with her that long but once I get her settled into this place forever with no worries about money for her care, I would like to see her make the century mark as long as she's relatively comfortable. I used to begrudge the time I had to spend running down there to visit her because it took away fun weekend time from Taz and although he never complained about it, he did look forward to a time when I didn't have that obligation. Now, I've got nothing but time.

After the parade I was on an emotional high and that felt so good (it's been so long) that I decided to visit my favorite shop down in my mother's town - the hardware store.

Believe me, this isn't your typical hardware store. Yes, it has tools and things but it also has home decor and jewelry! In fact, some of my best earrings have come from this store, I just love it there. Taz used to joke and ask, what earrings did you buy today every time I came home. So, I masked up and went in. Oh it was wonderful to be in a store again, looking around, enjoying everything. I couldn't stay long, Charlie was hanging out in the car (I remote started it so the air conditioning was running but it only stays on for 10 minutes or so and then shuts off) so I made a quick circuit around the store. I was also on a mission, I planned on getting some takeout for lunch and if I had any hope of enjoying it, I really NEEDED to use the bathroom! This store has a nice little private bathroom just for customers in the back stock room of the store so most people don't even know it's there so I felt it was about the safest public restroom I could use.

As you can see, even with my quick in and out visit, I managed to find something I couldn't live without. I love dragonflies, they have a special symbolism to me so these earrings were perfect. It may be shallow of me but it was really nice to have a little present; I've always known that my particular love language is gifts - I like giving them and I like receiving them, even if I have to give them to myself.

So that was my mother's day outing. The actual day will be quiet for me although all sorts of Mother's Day festivities are taking place at the house. I am trying to make myself scarce and out of the way so that they can enjoy the day as a family. At some point Charlie and I will steal away to get takeout food and have a car picnic. I've been having a mad craving for Mexican food so I just have to decide which of the two local places to order from. Luckily it's a cool-ish day here and cloudy so it will be quite comfortable in the car. Maybe we can drive to a local park and enjoy a little outdoor time as well. 

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

pop

Well, it happened again. A colleague of Taz's from California reached out to him on his phone (which is now my number) because he wanted to see how Taz was doing these days. He later said he had emailed a couple of times and had decided to text when he didn't hear anything back.

Of course I had to break it to him and that just never gets any easier. It's been a year and a half and it still feels so wrong to type those words.

Of course he was shocked, didn't know what to say and then he apologized for refreshing my pain. I told him I was just happy that someone had been thinking of Taz and that's so true but yes, it refreshed the pain. Just when I start thinking I'm getting strong and have a handle on this, I get knocked back a peg. 

So I shed a few tears in the privacy of my room and then I took Charlie on a long walk which makes both of us happy and warmed up some of that pulled pork for dinner. It's lasted all week!

You can knock me down but I guess I always pop back up; it must be my superpower.

laugh

There's really nothing better than laughing at yourself, right?

So, here's a little video I took yesterday...only I didn't know I was taking video. I *thought* I was taking my daily picture of myself (I know, vain) and I couldn't understand why it wasn't working until I realized I'd been videotaping myself the whole time. 

Good thing I'm freaking adorable all the time!

New post coming up later today, I had a great time yesterday "visiting" my mom from a distance at a drive by parade the families put on for the residents of the nursing home. Can't wait to share the pictures!

change

Not much has changed on my end, today is my 2 week anniversary of being a pariah at home, a condition that seems likely to continue for...well, probably forever. I can't imagine anything changing as long as there is no vaccine and the virus levels remain high. 

And, more importantly, I can't imagine me ever being able to go back to the relationship we had after all of this. All my life I've felt like an outsider. I was a shy kid...heck, who are we kidding, I'm a shy adult and it's always been difficult for me to make real friends so I cherish the ones I have. Having people who have said they love me turn into strangers, barely speaking to me, instructing their kids to stay away from me, not sharing physical space with me if they can help it - even the outdoors - has been devastating for my soul. It's the grown up equivalent of not being invited to the parties or picked last for sports, further solidifying my belief that I was only their "friend" when I could be useful to them by providing transportation. 

However, I'm not going to dwell on any of that. I had a pretty good weekend and spent most of it either outside swimming and sunning or in my room catching up on movies. I also cooked! Yay me! The tenants went out on Saturday afternoon for about 3 hours (because, of course, it's ok when they do it...yeah, I know, my bitter slip is showing) so I ran into the kitchen and tried a homemade bbq recipe that I'd found. It ended up being pretty tasty, if I do say so myself, and the closest I've found to my beloved Roy Rogers sauce.

On Sunday morning I got up and put together a dry rub to use on a pork roast I'd been defrosting overnight. I probably sound like a broken record but I know exactly when that pork was put into the freezer. Taz and I made a big run to Sam's Club in October and bought our usual huge pork roast. We went home and he cut it up into smaller chunks and, with my help, got them into freezer bags to store. He liked to cook it in the slow cooker and then turn it into pulled pork to eat throughout the week. He did that all the time when he lived here alone in 2015 waiting for me to join him. It was easy to cook on Sunday and then not have to think about it when getting home late from work. So that's what we were going to do with all that pork.

I didn't feel like cooking for a long time after he died but lately I've wanted to but haven't been able to since the kitchen is hardly ever empty. But I knew that no other adults get up on weekend mornings before 10 so I was in there on Sunday before 8am, rubbing down the pork with spices and putting it in the slow cooker just the way Taz would have. The end result - 8 hours later - was a delicious, tender piece of meat that I pulled apart with 2 forks and then sprinkled with the sauce I'd made the day before. It's going to be my dinner all this week but I couldn't resist making myself a sandwich last night - OMG, it was good! I was very proud of myself for cooking and for using up the food that had been in the freezer way too long. The best part is, there is at least one more roast in there so it'll be pulled pork for a long time to come!

So now it's May and that's a rather painful month. Today is the 4th anniversary of when we moved to Florida. We got up that morning, said goodbye to our house and all our belongings in the POD container in the driveway and set off for the airport in our rental SUV which was packed with as many suitcases as we could fit. Taz dropped me off and I had to wrangle all the suitcases and Charlie while he dropped off the car. It was not pretty but it probably was funny. We arrived in Orlando around 10pm and went straight to Steak and Shake for a celebratory meal. I even have a picture of the burger I had that night. Our new, unexpected, life had begun. I can't believe it ended so quickly. I still can't quite believe it's over.

Later in the month, on the 15th, will mark 1 1/2 years since I said goodbye to Taz as he walked out the door for work and never walked back in again.

Then just 4 days later it will be Taz's birthday. I have something I want to do for that long weekend, I'd really like to get away because I don't think I can stand being a pariah during those days and I have a completely no-contact place to go with Charlie, an empty house where I would see no one but I am hesitating committing to it because I know the tenants will freak out about me being out in the world and bringing back germs to them. I honestly don't know what to do, I hate to have my life dictated by them, it just doesn't seem right but I'm such a non-confrontational person and I don't want to make any of this worse, plus there's the whole money thing. And yet, I honestly don't know if I can take being in that house with the way things are on his birthday, I might just crack.

At the end of the month it will be the 5th anniversary of bringing Charlie into our family and that's a happy day but still bittersweet.

I don't want to dwell on the unhappy things but I'm running out of happy things to distract myself with because the unhappy things keep piling up. I got a letter from my mother's nursing home on Friday basically threatening to stop caring for my mother if I don't get this Medicaid situation straightened out. I've applied at least twice (it might have been 3 times, I've lost track) and been denied each time because I can't get my hands on certain papers that they require. I've tried but I get doors slammed in my face because my mother set everything up under a trust and I'm not a trustee. I've tried to get the nursing home to help me (I was told they would take care of everything but that was a total lie) but I get nothing but attitude from the social worker. So, even though I really don't know how I'll pay for it, I've contacted a lawyer who specializes in elder care to ask if he can help me push the Medicaid application through. This whole issue has kept me up at night all weekend.

I don't want to dwell on stressful things, I don't want to waste my life in this hell of a limbo. Yesterday brought home the fact that we just can't waste time in this life. I got a call that my oldest nephew's son died on Saturday night. He was only 29, had a wife and a darling little girl (who has special needs) and went to the hospital for pain and they diagnosed it as gallstones and sent him home and then a few days later, he was dead. Who knows what the cause was - was it COVID-19 (without the usual symptoms) or was the hospital in such a hurry to get rid of him that they misdiagnosed him and it was something more serious than gallstones? I never knew him, my nephew (who is only 9 months younger than I am) divorced years ago and I never knew either of the kids, but I followed his wife's blog about life with their little girl and the challenges they were facing so I felt like I knew them. My heart breaks for everyone involved - for a young man with his whole future ahead of him, he had just finished his masters degree and had accepted his first teaching job last week; for my nephew who was so happy to be rebuilding a relationship; for my nephew's ex-wife and younger son who are devastated and heartbroken in a way no one ever should be; and most especially, for his wife who is now part of the club that no one ever wants to join. My heart is breaking especially for her because I know what she's going through and what she will face. I know right now it feels like it's the worst pain ever but I also know that it will feel worse as the weeks and months go on and her faith will be tested again and again. I can only hope that she has things I didn't - family that will stick close by her physically so that she doesn't have to deal with feeling abandoned as well. I hope she has friends that will let her talk and will check on her. I want to be there for her too even though she doesn't know who I am. If there's any good to come out of my own situation I hope that it's that I can give something to people out there facing what I'm facing.

And it's time for me to put my words into action. I want to be there for my nephew, check in with him on a regular basis just so he knows somebody cares. I don't want him to feel the way I have.

And all I can think of, once again, is that life changes in an instant - for good and for bad. My great nephew had everything to look forward to and it must have seemed like he was on top of the world just last week when he got the job offer. We just never know and I don't want to waste any more time. I don't want to be stuck in this no man's land for any longer than I have to. I don't want to be alone, I hate it. I don't want to be unloved, it kills me. But I don't know how to change any of it.

And yet, something has got to change, I guess it's going to be me.