gone

it finally happened - my house is gone.

well to be more specific, my house has sold, we closed and it's no longer my house.

and i know i'm supposed to say that it's great, i'm moving on, blah, blah, blah but it's damned hard and i'm sad and feeling more than a little lost. i know that taz had intended me to live in that house forever and was trying so very hard to pay it off so that i wouldn't have to make the decisions i ended up making but i also know that he would have understood and been happy that the sale of the house has given me a little bit of security that has been badly lacking in the past few years.

we worked very hard this month to clear out the house, i set a deadline of the end of the month and i intended to stick to it because, quite frankly, i needed the money. so we spent a couple of sundays loading up uhaul trailers to bring furniture, clothing and boxes to our new house. my dining room table, my bedroom set, my guest room bed, my bookcases, my coffee tables and end tables, my desk - all of those things are now our things and being used in the new house. it's nice to see pieces of my old life being remade for our new life. i'm glad i didn't have to leave everything behind. i certainly left a good deal of things behind, things that i will probably regret. i threw out of lifetime of stuff but then so much was already lost when i couldn't pay for the storage unit in california...all that stuff has been auctioned off now so what did it matter if more was lost?

to be quite honest, letting go of that beloved house was almost more than i can take especially when i'm feeling a little unsure about my next steps. as lovely as my new family is, i want more of a commitment and chris seems happy with things just as they are and i honestly don't know what to do about that. i'm a commitment kind of girl. i'm not ready to get married but i want things to progress to the next level especially since i'm spending so much time taking care of the kids and the fact that he doesn't want an official commitment makes me sad. i feel like i deserve someone who is excited about being with me and who wants to proclaim it to the world, not someone who feels pressured. 

right now a big part of me would like to run away for a little while, get on a plane, go somewhere with happy memories and just lose myself in the crowd. 

 

my unexpected life

 

i'm back!

did you miss me? i can't believe how long it's been since i've written. back when i was lonely and unhappy i couldn't go more than a day or two without writing but now that i'm happy it seems like writing is the last thing on my mind.

but i really do want to change that because i want to document everything about my new unexpected life. every day i have new experiences in motherhood or being part of a couple with someone new after 30+ years of being mrs. taz and i want to always remember every step of the journey.

so we're still working on the new house and it's a process. i've always heard that home renovation can be a real test of a couple and i can definitely see why but we're still doing well and finding some time to just be a couple (or a family if the kids are with us) rather than get bogged down in all the projects that still need to be completed or sniping at each other out of frustration. the man of the place is taking good care of us and making this house into a real home although i know he's more than ready for everything to be finished so that he can rest when he gets home from a long day at work without having way too many projects hanging over his head.

we took time out to visit the county fair and picked up our first bit of "artwork" for the wall - a family photo taken on our land back in december. it's printed on a wooden crate and i think it turned out very nice. we put it up on the wall next to the front door so we see it every time we leave the house.

shortly after our fair weekend, my sister came for a visit because she was doing some job training less than an hour away. since she lives 7 hours from me and we don't get to see each other all that often (especially since COVID) so it was a real treat to spend some time catching up. she's intrigued by my new life, especially the fact that i'm a new "mother" after decades of being childless. she even bought the kids presents from their new aunt so, needless to say, she was a big hit. it was nice knowing she was in the area last week and i started missing her the minute her car left the driveway; hopefully we can get together again soon.

in other news we have spring break to look forward to. my man has to work so i've taken a couple of days off from work and planned fun activities for the days we have the kids and we're also planning a long weekend at the beach - our first family vacation. i am so very excited about that!

i thank God every day for these 3