gone

it finally happened - my house is gone.

well to be more specific, my house has sold, we closed and it's no longer my house.

and i know i'm supposed to say that it's great, i'm moving on, blah, blah, blah but it's damned hard and i'm sad and feeling more than a little lost. i know that taz had intended me to live in that house forever and was trying so very hard to pay it off so that i wouldn't have to make the decisions i ended up making but i also know that he would have understood and been happy that the sale of the house has given me a little bit of security that has been badly lacking in the past few years.

we worked very hard this month to clear out the house, i set a deadline of the end of the month and i intended to stick to it because, quite frankly, i needed the money. so we spent a couple of sundays loading up uhaul trailers to bring furniture, clothing and boxes to our new house. my dining room table, my bedroom set, my guest room bed, my bookcases, my coffee tables and end tables, my desk - all of those things are now our things and being used in the new house. it's nice to see pieces of my old life being remade for our new life. i'm glad i didn't have to leave everything behind. i certainly left a good deal of things behind, things that i will probably regret. i threw out of lifetime of stuff but then so much was already lost when i couldn't pay for the storage unit in california...all that stuff has been auctioned off now so what did it matter if more was lost?

to be quite honest, letting go of that beloved house was almost more than i can take especially when i'm feeling a little unsure about my next steps. as lovely as my new family is, i want more of a commitment and chris seems happy with things just as they are and i honestly don't know what to do about that. i'm a commitment kind of girl. i'm not ready to get married but i want things to progress to the next level especially since i'm spending so much time taking care of the kids and the fact that he doesn't want an official commitment makes me sad. i feel like i deserve someone who is excited about being with me and who wants to proclaim it to the world, not someone who feels pressured. 

right now a big part of me would like to run away for a little while, get on a plane, go somewhere with happy memories and just lose myself in the crowd.