Dreams

 I had a weird dream last night - actually a couple of weird dreams.

The first one took place in Walmart and I'd found a big piece of chocolate shaped like a wedding cake and I wanted to buy it for our upcoming wedding anniversary but there wasn't any money in our bank account. Chris was there and he felt bad but there was nothing he could do.

In the second dream I was in Disney World with Taz and although we didn't have annual passes anymore, we bought tickets for a weekend and Taz surprised me by getting a hotel room at the Polynesian Resort which we'd never stayed at before but was always one of our favorite places to hang out.

I didn't even think about the fact that Taz was in my dream until I woke up and then I was kind of surprised he showed up in my dreams again. I sincerely thought he'd left after the last big dream I had about him.

In that dream he showed up after all these years and I knew he'd been dead but I don't think he realized why he'd been gone. I hung out with him a little and then I had to tell him that I was now married to someone else and our time was over. He gave me a sad little smile and then walked out of the door and when I woke up I figured it was symbolic and it meant I would never see him again.

Good thing I don't make my living by interpreting dreams cuz I was big time wrong and there he was again.

It's always a little weird when he shows up, but nice too. I enjoy a chance to see his grin and have some interaction. I imagine that my dream about Disney World was because I really miss aspects of my old life and, with the rose colored glasses of memory, it seems like it was less complicated than right now...and Disney World was a big part of that life, a place we both loved. So I guess my mind just needed to spend a little time in a safe place and that's good.

Life is weird and grief is hard and I'm not sure I'm doing a good job with any of it these days.