November

 It's November, a bittersweet month for me. On one hand it's birthday month for me and several members of my family and we go all out in celebrating our birthdays so there's lots to look forward to. I really love birthdays (everybody deserves to feel special once a year!) and I enjoy pampering myself all during the month. Next week I will be driving 2 1/2 hours to get my hair trimmed by the stylist I had for 10 years in California who has now moved to Florida; I am so excited to see her again after a few years. I also see a mani/pedi in my future!

On the other hand it's the month I had to say goodbye to Taz 3 years ago. The 15th is coming up and that's the day I got the phone call that he'd had a seizure and had been taken to the hospital. Because he was in a coma by the time I got there, I never got to talk to him again and just a week later, on the 22nd, he was gone forever. In between those dates was my worst birthday ever.

Each of those dates is a blow to my heart and because the 22nd was Thanksgiving that year, I think about it all over again on Thanksgiving day no matter what that date is.

In addition, the whole idea of birthday month started with my sister who was born on the 28th of November and nobody took more pleasure in it than she did. I can't think about this month without missing her. It's been 3 years I've been without her too and I really wish she was still around; I have so much I'd love to talk to her about and I know she'd be thrilled about my new family.

I have lots to distract me from such thoughts these days. Halloween is a favorite time at our house and we had a fantastic Halloween weekend - 2 nights of being out in costume at the town festival and then trick or treating on Halloween itself. Next year we'll be getting married on Halloween weekend so I've been busy snapping up decorations at a discount to put away for next year.

Speaking of the wedding, we're moving right along with our planning. When Chris first proposed back in July we didn't really talk about the wedding for a couple of months. Quite frankly, I think he was taking his time to wrap his head around the whole idea of getting married again and I wanted to give him the space and time to get used to it. I have to admit though that every once in a while I would drop the word "wedding" into the conversation just to see the terrified look pass across his face.

Then one day, out of the blue, he turned to me in the car and asked what sort of wedding I wanted and we came to a few decisions. Turns out we both wanted something small and fun and not the big stuffy formal event that many people have. We put together a guest list and a few days later Chris came up with a cool idea for something we could mail out to remind people to Save The Date. That's a crafting project that will require a couple of future blog posts!

Last weekend we crossed a big item off our wedding to-do list - we picked a venue! I never imagined finding a place for our wedding would be so difficult. I LOVE weddings and party planning and had mentally been planning possible events for years so I figured finding a place for our wedding would be easy. I was so wrong.

We had too many people for most small venues and not enough people for the big ones and everything was way more expensive than we were hoping for. I was getting discouraged and frustrated and then a friend, who writes a book about Disney (and Orlando) weddings, asked me to check out some pricing for her and, whammo, I found the perfect venue with an intimate package that seemed made for us.

I made an appointment for Chris and I to take a tour and the minute we walked on the property we knew it was the place for us, there is a peaceful vibe there that allows you to forget a frenzied world exists outside that space which makes it the perfect place for a wedding. Plus it's a watersports recreation site so we'll get a discount on equipment rentals for the rest of our lives. I love the fact that we can take the kids there in the future to jet ski and boat and visit the place we got married.

So now we know where we're getting married and we don't have to think too much about the rest of the planning until next year except that I have already started stressing about my dress because I have no idea what to wear. It's my 2nd marriage so there's an argument to be made that I shouldn't wear a traditional wedding dress but it's my first wedding and I really want the whole fairytale, I want to look like a bride but I also want to look unique and not like every other bride out there. I'm hoping that, just like the venue, the perfect dress will magically appear and I'll know.

Of course all of the wedding stuff makes me think about Taz and sadness mixes in with the happiness. I can't believe it's been 3 years since I've been able to talk to him and laugh with him. No matter how happy I am at present I am always going to miss him. 

I've accepted that my feelings are always going to be mixed, intertwining joy and grief - exactly how I will always feel about November.