unsettled

 

Hello again.

Nothing has really changed, I'm still in limbo and the stress is starting to get to me. I was very grumpy Monday night, feeling like my life is nothing but endless laundry and dish washing and I think I kind of scared the kids with my new, not so pretty attitude. They kept asking their dad what was wrong with me. LOL

I know Chris said to give him 2 weeks to look into options for the wedding but he hasn't done anything this whole week and that eats at me, makes me question everything. I want to dive wholeheartedly into plan B and it seems like he has already forgotten about our lack of wedding plans, like it isn't a priority; like I'm not a priority.

There were a lot of things I wanted from a 2nd adult romantic relationship and a big one was to feel like a priority in the life of the person that was supposed to love me forever. I also wanted financial security and I ain't getting that either.

I know, I'm not doing myself any good with this line of thinking, I'm just so stressed and tired. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I think of is my lack of money (Chris's situation is unchanged - he never had money) and how that might affect my day. I lived this way for the last 10+ years of my marriage, I hate that my life is stuck on this story.

So on to other things - these are my favorite boots in the whole world (with the exception of my very favorite green boots which were lost to me when I couldn't pay for the storage in California after Taz died) and I "lost" them in 2019, couldn't find them anywhere. They were found in 2021 under a stack of Taz's clothes in the very back of our closet, clothes that I just couldn't deal with so I left them there untouched. 

Oh how I rejoiced when I found these boots again when I was clearing everything out of my house after selling it. I put the boots in a box of important things that I couldn't live without. Last week, a year after the house sale, I finally got all my boxes out of storage including the "important" box. Guess I could live without all those things after all. LOL And there were my beautiful boots! I'm wearing them today at the office even though the temperature is soaring and it was so humid this morning. I don't care, I've been without these boots for years now and I'm going to wear them no matter what!

Having my things around me once more is both comforting and unsettling at the same time. Seeing the things I care about brings me joy but it also brings memories and sometimes those memories are hard to take. So many questions about why things have happened this way, it's overwhelming at times. Grief is funny, it hits you out of the blue at the oddest moments and when you least expect it.

I'll be ok...I'm always ok.