birthday

 

Today is Taz's birthday - the 4th he's spent in Heaven. I wonder if they celebrate birthdays up there? I would hope so but then again, I'm up for any excuse for cake.

I miss him and I've been thinking about him a lot this month as his birthday gets closer. I wonder what life would have been like if he'd lived. How would we have survived the pandemic especially since his job probably would have been affected and we would once again have been struggling with unemployment and the possibility of losing the house. Would we have faced it as a team or would it have torn us apart?

I'll never know and it's best not to speculate, I think. I'll just use today to remember the happy times, the smiles, the many laughs and the love that lasted for decades.

wedding

 

It's less than 6 months to the wedding at this point. It's starting to seem real and yet it's not. I'm still not thrilled with our plans, the contract for the ceremony site came and I had forgotten that we're having to pay an extra fee for having the wedding on a Saturday so I had to cut my favorite part of the ceremony (the boho truck food and drink) because it was still going to be too much money so now the ceremony is bare bones, no food or drinks at all. People will have to drive over an hour to get to the buffet restaurant afterwards so I imagine we'll lose a lot of people especially Chris's family that are coming from Daytona. The ceremony site is halfway between Daytona and our house so they should at least show up for that.

And I still don't like the idea of having a party at our house - way too much work and stress and I'd really wanted a wedding where I could just enjoy myself and look pretty...and since I had to cut out the hair and makeup person, there's less of a chance of that. Sigh.

However, the one thing I really do like (LOVE) is my dress. I had to try it on the other day when the strapless bra arrived in the mail (luckily ordered before I became broke) and I got all the feels again, just wanted to giggle and prance around in it. I even made a little video which I wanted to share but can't find at the moment so I'll share a picture instead.

It's kind of perfect for me - not just like everybody else's dress, not too fancy but not too plain, kinda boho and retro and lots and lots of lace with a tiny little train. I can't imagine myself wearing anything else.

I still cry a little when I think of the plans I've had to cancel, I really thought I was going to have my dream come true but I have to remind myself that I'm getting a lovely family and kids and I never thought I'd have that and, in the end, that's the most important. 

I'll have to keep telling myself that all the way up until the big day I'm afraid. Not that I don't appreciate my new little family, I do, but for once in my life I really wanted it all. And I know I'm being a big baby about it and I'll stop eventually, I promise, but right now I'm going to spend a little time feeling sorry for myself. 

Maybe I should just try on my dress every day, that seems to make everything seem better!