moving forward

 

I've been thinking a lot about 'moving forward' lately especially since I've been hanging out with people I hadn't seen in a while.

What's the acceptable way to deal with a devastating loss but also move into the next chapter with happiness? It felt a little weird to be spending time with my friends, laughing and joking about my new life, new family, new beginning when the last time I saw them Taz was a part of the party and none of us could have imagined what was about to happen.

How does it look to them to see me laughing and happy with another man? They weren't there for the years of loneliness, when I couldn't make it through a single day without tears. They didn't see the nights I would stay up watching mindless television until late until I was exhausted so that I could slip into bed assured I would fall asleep and not think too much. They weren't there when I broke my arm and had to deal with the pain and the inability to even dress myself, knowing that if Taz had been around it would have been so much easier.

And I know they aren't judging me harshly but how does it look to them to see me laughing and kissing another man who is really nothing like Taz, except they both talk a lot. LOL Does it repulse them a little? Do they wonder if I have a heart?

Because if the tables were turned, I wonder how I'd feel. And yet, that's exactly the position I'm in with my brother in law and I feel nothing but happiness for his new found love. But I was also there for the entire 4 years since my sister died so I know how much he missed her and how hard it was for him. If I hadn't seen him in all those years and he suddenly turned up with this new woman that makes him giggle and act ever so slightly inappropriately horny, I might have to tell my judgey side to shut up.

I think my mind goes to these places because the wedding is getting so close. I will be so happy on that day to take vows that bind me to Chris and the kids and our life together but I know that I will also be thinking of Taz. How could I not? Moving forward with my life is one more step of leaving my life with him behind and I can't help but have feelings about that. Nothing happens in a vacuum, I can't exist solely in this new life and I wouldn't want to but nobody really knows this but me. I think people only see me completely wrapped up in the here and now.

But I know the truth, I know that the hat I'll be wearing at the wedding is one that Taz bought for me just a couple of months before he died. I'll know that it came from Carmel, our town. It's my little way of keeping his memory close even as I move forward with this life I've been given.

And I've been blessed to meet a man who is ok with all of that, who understands loss and isn't threatened by me mentioning Taz's name or talking about our memories.

On a completely unrelated note - I love my new seat covers and they match the flower magnets on the car. I love my little car and I'm so happy to finally have it back. I was without it most of the year because I was trying to help someone out but I didn't realize how not having it would affect me, it felt like I had lost my independence or something so I appreciate every day I get to drive it now!