road trip

 

ho, ho, ho and merry december!

it's been a busy month already and we're barely half way through. 

the final Fancy Flea of 2023 took place in a town just 10 miles away from us on the first saturday of december. luckily our basketball games didn't start until noon so i drug chris up the road when the show first opened at 9 and we had a delightful time visiting all the vendors. my mission was to find a christmas present for my sister in law in alabama and i'm happy to say that mission was accomplished. i made a vow last year that i'd attend every fancy flea in 2023 and i almost accomplished it - only missed 1 - so i feel good about how i brought a little more balance into my life by doing things that *i* like.

we made it back into town just in time for the game. for once we didn't have to pick up the kids and the ex because, wonder of wonder - miracle of miracles, she now has access to a car and can transport the kids when it's her weekend rather than have us drive out of our way to go get all of them and cart them around.

and it's actually not all that much out of our way anymore since they moved back in with her mother right before thanksgiving but that's a whole 'nother story.

we had a lot of basketball games on that day - J had 2 and C had 1 and we weren't out of the ymca until after 3 but, although we didn't know it at the time, that was the end of our ymca basketball experience. the season lasted until the 16th but we were out of town the following weekend and then the ex decided to take the kids to a birthday party rather than basketball this past saturday so they never got to play again.

i wouldn't say that i'm happy there's no more basketball...oh hell yeah, i'm ecstatic there's no more basketball!!!

last saturday we got up at dark o'clock to head to alabama to visit my family and watch my brother in his 41st performance of the nutcracker.

i look forward to this every year! last year i had to go alone because chris chose basketball over me; this year he made a wiser choice.

but before we got to the ballet we stopped by my brother and sister-in-law's house so that she could put on a wonderful, decadent afternoon tea for c and me and my little sister, lisa.

there was so much food and it was all delicious and i wanted to honor all the effort she'd put into the afternoon so i ate a little of everything which turned out to be more than a little too much. i was fine during the performance but i got little sleep as i was sick at the motel that night and then felt like crud on the very long, 7 hour drive back home the next day. it was all worth it though, i do love a good road trip, i love seeing my family and i wouldn't miss my brother's performance for anything. it was a short visit, just overnight, but even a short road trip is better than no road trip at all. i do love to travel.

i was still feeling pretty poorly as i worked from home on monday. i needed to be close to town so that we could go to c's last middle school basketball game at 5pm. it was an away game and it was clear the school had a lot of money (more than c's school) but for some reason they couldn't put any of that money into getting their basketball net fixed.

the game went by pretty quickly and c's team lost which means they lost every game this season except the one where the other team forfeited. c seemed to take it all in stride and ended the season happy to have participated. i don't know if she'll do it again next year but right now she's almost as happy as i am that we're through with basketball.

we were going to stay for the first half of the varsity game as required (all jv have to sit through half of the varsity game to cheer them on) but all of a sudden i felt a ton of cold water going down my back because the lady standing behind me had spilled her beverage. it was an unpleasant feeling and although she offered to get some paper towels, chris just said that we were leaving and i certainly didn't object.

and now, with basketball and road trips behind us, we're heading full-steam into the christmas season. we've done most, if not all of our shopping, and even have the holiday ham in the house so i'm not feeling much pressure. i'm going to have a hot cocoa bar set up with crockpot hot chocolate and little bowls of toppings (like mini marshmallows and crushed up candy canes and whipped cream) all around. c has asked if we could have the grinch punch we had at our wedding (green hawaiian punch, sprite, pineapple juice and lime sherbet) so i'll have already mixed up so we can all help ourselves during the day.

because of custody arrangements, we have the kids on christmas day from 10-6 then they go back to their mother to spend the first week of winter break with her. we will get them the following week which includes new years eve so i found a fun party to go to with dancing and a fireworks display. i plan on dancing my booty off, haven't done that in years but i'm more than ready to party my way into 2024.

then i'll work from home the first week in january until the little angels go back to school. i've found that the key to having a successful week of kid vacation is menu planning so i've already mapped out meals for the 10 days and have a grocery store order ready to pick up later this week so that i will have all the food in the house and won't have to drag a couple of kids around the store while i really should be working.

so here's to the next couple of weeks, may we all survive and have a very merry christmas.

november

 

so now we have november which is a tricky month for me because it's birthday month (for me and half of my family) but it's also the month taz died so i swing wildly back and forth on emotions.

this year was a big milestone - 5 years since taz went away which feels like a million years but one look at a picture and it seems like yesterday.

what have i been up to in november? glad you asked! 

we attended Bug Jam which is a celebration of volkswagen beetles and campers which is something i dearly love. i know i'll never own one but it's fun to see what everybody else has.

we drove 3 hours to a tiny town in florida to meet my sister (who also drove over 3 hours) and have lunch to celebrate our birthdays. i wish i had a picture of the two of us together but we'll have to settle for a picture of me driving/riding there.

i took several days off from work surrounding my birthday and on my actual birthday i treated myself to brunch and got my free starbucks birthday frappucino so that was a good day. 

the kids came home from school on that day and "surprised" me with presents and a homemade card. i had wanted to go out for dinner but we ended up having pizza delivered and it was so awful that i ended up feeling sick for the rest of the evening.

thanksgiving was a couple of days later but we didn't really celebrate because chris was working most of the day. we went to red lobster in the evening and he enjoyed the endless shrimp. i absolutely hated what i ordered (stuffed flounder which i used to love there but they've changed the recipe and added some horrible sauce) but we had a good time hanging out. afterwards we went shopping at dollar tree and dollar general (the only stores open on the holiday) and picked up some fun christmas decor and that was probably my favorite thanksgiving memory this year.

thanksgiving has been hard for me since taz died on thanksgiving day so i haven't cooked turkey or any of the traditional meal since then but turkeys were only $5 earlier that week so we had one in the refrigerator and i decided to make it on sunday evening along with mashed potatoes. i literally spent all day in the kitchen and it was so hot and i was sweating and i think the food turned out pretty well although, since no one thanked me or commented, i really don't know - i liked it so i guess that's all that counts. but i realized that i really don't want to ever do that again. cooking the turkey wasn't so bad and i love turkey sandwiches so i'll make it again for me but i'm just not ever going to be one of those women who shows her love by spending endless hours in the kitchen.

and the clean up was soul crushing. i think my big push for this year is to get a dishwasher because i am so over doing dishes by hand. 

my payoff is those turkey sandwiches that i love and i was looking forward to having one on monday when i realized that my son ate the last of the bread and didn't mention it so my sandwich had to wait.

so there's november in a nutshell - we were supposed to go to daytona for a car show on thanksgiving weekend but didn't have the money so we started putting some of our christmas decorations up. i think we went low key on the holiday last year so i'd like to jolly it up a little more this season.

we also had a lot of basketball in the first 2 weeks of november but we've been on a break for the end of the month. it starts up again in december but i'm just trying to block that out for the moment.

bring on december!

goodbye October

 

today is halloween and we've come to the end of october finally. i really love halloween and now the end of october is also my wedding anniversary and i think maybe i set my expectations too high because i'm just really ready to move on to november.

i went to a really fun workshop last week to learn how to embellish jean jackets - i brought in an old pink one that i have. we had our choice of painting a stencil or using a transfer and i chose the transfer because a) it was a design i really liked and b) i figured i'd just make a mess with the paint. i love how it turned out and it was fun to be creative with a bunch of other women although they were all strangers to me. now i just have to wait for the weather to get cool enough to actually wear it.

c played in her first ever basketball game for the ymca and her team won 38-15 so that was exciting. i am still annoyed that we're even playing basketball at the y this season when i'd asked for a break (i don't think i'll ever stop being annoyed about being ignored) but that doesn't mean i'm not going to be there to cheer my girl on.

a few hours after the basketball games we attended the halloween howl in our downtown. we went 2 years ago and had a blast but we were a little too busy getting married last year so i vowed that we would attend this year and made sure the kids had costumes and candy buckets and mentioned the event every few days so that chris knew we were going. it was fun, c's best friend was there with her family so we all walked around together, there was a haunted house which the kids all loved and a ton of candy was being given out. i dressed up as kuromi - hello kitty's naughty friend and got a lot of comments on how cute i was. that's probably why i like this event so much, i enjoy the attention.

and then the next day was our much anticipated 1 year anniversary. well, i guess i was the only one anticipating it. i had a gift for chris - a wallet to replace the one that was stolen earlier this month. this one had skulls on it fairly similar to his tattoo and i had fun picking it out just for him.

i was excited to see if he had any special plans for the day but he didn't and we ended up just going to the ymca so that the kids could swim which was really not how i'd wanted to spend the day. so now i know that it's all going to be up to me to plan birthdays and anniversaries and holidays. i had hoped this marriage would be different but it's not. good thing i have years of experience making the magic for myself.

and now we're on to november which is birthday month for me and many of my family members. i am under no illusion about anybody planning anything special for me but, trust me, i'm going to make sure i have a fabulous month!

October

 

October has been a busy month so far, that's for sure.

My son turned 9 at the beginning of the month and we had a little birthday party for him with some of his school and basketball friends. He had a great time running around at the park, playing on the playground with all the other kids. He's a very social kid, just like his father, so having a bunch of friends around him was the best birthday present he could have.

On the other hand, maybe the remote control car that he got to help build at the mall was his best birthday present. Either way, that kid had a great birthday.

When not picking up all the crap the kids leave behind in the living/kitchen/dining rooms (and trust me on this, I'm doing you a favor by not posting all the pictures I've taken of their piles of things that belong in their rooms and not left out in the rest of the house) I've been busy working on my new hobby - jewelry designing.

I've always been interested in jewelry design and I've taken a few classes over the years but have always lost interest because I don't have a dedicated space to do my work and I never have enough supplies on hand (and no money to buy them) but I've decided to stop with all those excuses and just start building up my inventory because I'm going to start my own little business and work the vintage fairs and craft shows and see if I can sell a few things.

I still don't have a dedicated space (unless you count the dining room table that I'm currently occupying and won't let anybody move my stuff to eat there) and I need to order more supplies but Amazon has inexpensive stuff so I'm just going to allow myself to spend money on myself and not always on kids. My goal is to spend the winter building up inventory so that I can rent a space at the spring Fancy Flea.

Fall I basketball season ended and Fall II has already begun with the first games coming up on Saturday. We will be at the Y from 11 to 2 that day which means any Fall Festivals that day will have to go on without us. I have at least 2 festivals each Saturday that I would have loved to have gone to between now and Christmas but it is what it is.

My nephew/brother, who lives in Atlanta, came into Florida last week on business and we were able to meet up for dinner one night and catch up. We hadn't seen each other in over 5 years so there was a lot of stuff to talk about. We both lost loved ones in that time and we got a chance to talk about that. He was the last member of my family to hang out with Taz and me just a month before he died. We are just months apart in age and spent pretty much every day of our childhood together since his mom (my older sister) worked and my mom took care of both of us kids until we went off to school. I always call him my first best friend and although our lives went off in different directions and we haven't always been close as adults, there's a bond there and it was lovely to see him. I love his wife so I was sorry she wasn't along on this business trip.

This past weekend we didn't have a basketball game or the kids which is probably never going to happen again in this lifetime so Chris and I got to spend a little quality time together for the first time in a while.

There was a car show downtown Friday night with food trucks so we attended and it was a blast. I absolutely love events like this, there were so many fun cars to see and the pizza cone was delicious. 

I don't think Chris loves events like this as much as I do and he, at first, acted like there was nothing good to eat but he finally relaxed and found something that he enjoyed. He loved looking at the cars too and even found a guy that does custom painting on vehicles that might be able to help him fix up his truck when the time comes.

It was a lovely night but it was nothing compared to the next day. I had been looking forward to visiting Gulfport, Florida for at least a year and a half (I discovered it when I was researching honeymoon destinations) and it didn't disappoint.

Gulfport is a little beach town on the bay (so the beach has a harbor view, not an ocean view) with a downtown area full of restaurants and quirky shops. The town motto is "Keep Gulfport Weird" so you know it's a perfect town for me.

Since we didn't have the kids this weekend we used this day as an opportunity to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary a week early and I had stumbled on this restaurant that looked perfect for an anniversary celebration. It had atmosphere up the ying yang plus it looks very similar to a restaurant in Carmel so it gave me warm, fuzzy feelings since I love Carmel so much.

Although it had the perfect romantic atmosphere, the food didn't live up to the hype which means we'll probably never eat there again but I sure enjoyed the views and luckily Gulfport has many other restaurants to try.

We finished our visit with ice cream (always a winner in my book) and then left town after a perfect visit.

Just a little ways from Gulfport is a scenic rest area, also on the bay, which also gave me Carmel vibes with the water, rocks and pine trees. If I had drinks and snacks, I could stay there all day just enjoying the water views and peace. If I didn't have to drive through Tampa traffic to get there, I'd probably want to go every day.

Sunday we did a little shopping so that Chris could get 2x4s to rebuild our deck railing and I found the cutest jacket at Walmart. Now, I live in Florida and it's rarely chilly enough to need a jacket and I have a shit ton of other jackets (including Taz's beautiful leather jacket that he picked up in China) so I didn't NEED this jacket but I wanted it...badly...and I'm kind of in a mood to give myself treats these days so I got it and now I just have to wait for the temps to get out of the 80s so that I can wear it.

So that takes care of the first half of October, can't wait for Halloween/anniversary weekend...well, maybe not the hours we'll be spending at 2 basketball games on Saturday but I'm sure the rest of the weekend will be great.

Dreams

 I had a weird dream last night - actually a couple of weird dreams.

The first one took place in Walmart and I'd found a big piece of chocolate shaped like a wedding cake and I wanted to buy it for our upcoming wedding anniversary but there wasn't any money in our bank account. Chris was there and he felt bad but there was nothing he could do.

In the second dream I was in Disney World with Taz and although we didn't have annual passes anymore, we bought tickets for a weekend and Taz surprised me by getting a hotel room at the Polynesian Resort which we'd never stayed at before but was always one of our favorite places to hang out.

I didn't even think about the fact that Taz was in my dream until I woke up and then I was kind of surprised he showed up in my dreams again. I sincerely thought he'd left after the last big dream I had about him.

In that dream he showed up after all these years and I knew he'd been dead but I don't think he realized why he'd been gone. I hung out with him a little and then I had to tell him that I was now married to someone else and our time was over. He gave me a sad little smile and then walked out of the door and when I woke up I figured it was symbolic and it meant I would never see him again.

Good thing I don't make my living by interpreting dreams cuz I was big time wrong and there he was again.

It's always a little weird when he shows up, but nice too. I enjoy a chance to see his grin and have some interaction. I imagine that my dream about Disney World was because I really miss aspects of my old life and, with the rose colored glasses of memory, it seems like it was less complicated than right now...and Disney World was a big part of that life, a place we both loved. So I guess my mind just needed to spend a little time in a safe place and that's good.

Life is weird and grief is hard and I'm not sure I'm doing a good job with any of it these days.

basketball

 

I may have mentioned that we've been involved in basketball with the YMCA. J, our 9 year old, has been playing every weekend for the past 16 months while Chris has been coaching.

That's a helluva lot of months.

I was all excited about basketball last summer, I was the one who made sure we got J signed up. Then Chris volunteered to coach and he LOVES it. It has become his passion and I fully support passion but 16 months of practice once a week and never having a Saturday free to do anything and extra "practice" sessions thrown in every week has worn me down. It wouldn't be so bad if it just lasted for a season or two but it's been every damn week for almost a year and a half now.

I wanted to take a break this summer like so many other coaches and families were doing but Chris wouldn't hear of it.

So I asked him if we could take a break in November and December to have our Saturdays free to do holiday things as a family and he agreed to it.

Until he started coming up with all sorts of excuses of why he shouldn't take a break and then he encouraged our daughter, C, to sign up for basketball with the older group and then he made a bet with J that if he kept his room clean (something that has been very hard for him in the past) he would get to play next season and suddenly, not only is J signed up for basketball but so is C.

This means that not only are we NOT taking a break next season but we'll be doubling the amount of time we spend at the YMCA - 2 practice nights and up to 4 hours of games on each Saturday between now and Christmas not to mention all the extra Sunday afternoons Chris sneaks in there.

I am sincerely not happy about this; it's kind of a serious thing and it's caused a lot of sleepless nights for me.

So, I've got choices to make. I didn't want to become a couple that spends a lot of time apart, doing separate things with their free time but I really don't want to spend every single damn Saturday (and Tuesday and Wednesday nights) at the YMCA so I'm going to figure out what my passion is and see where that road leads me.

I will be there for games, I still support the kids, but during this holiday season I might miss a couple games if some holiday event is taking place at the same time and I'm going to work on my own hobbies in the evenings instead of going to practices. I just have to find the balance for my own peace of mind.

truth again

 

Recently I've been reading some of my old blog posts - specifically ones from 2019. 

That was a hard year, my first after Taz died and before I let other people live in my house and, of course, before COVID changed everything.

I started that year totally broken, I hated spending time on my own so I was trying to fill the hours with any sort of activity. I relied too much on people who probably wished I would just go away but the truth was that I spent 95% of my time alone so I guess I didn't lean on them too much even if they might have felt that way.

As the year went on, I started to get used to being by myself, making my own decisions, doing whatever the hell I wanted to whenever I wanted. Weekends stopped being endless hours of pain and I started to realize I could run around, sightsee or just hang out by the pool and it was no one's decision but mine. There is freedom in that, maybe I didn't appreciate it enough at the time. And the best thing - I could watch whatever I wanted to on TV!

This post, Truth, from 4 years ago really hit me when I read it today especially this part -When I'm not busy distracting myself I realize how very alone I am. It is a literal truth that if I weren't here anymore, no one's life would be negatively impacted...except maybe Charlie. Sure, there might be people who might miss me but only for a fleeting moment but nothing about me not being here anymore would change their lives in any way. 

One of the things I like about keeping a blog is documenting exactly how I felt at a given time because it's easy to forget those intense emotions. Clearly, 4 years ago, I felt lost and alone in the world and I couldn't conceive of a time when I'd feel any different. I was still hanging on to as much of my old life as I could - living in the same house, going to the same job, socializing at Disney where I had so many happy memories. But I wasn't getting enjoyment out of all that, none of it was the same as when Taz was there and I was really only going through the motions, not living.

It was only a matter of time before things had to change and, luckily, they changed so gradually that I was able to retain a little bit of sanity.

As I read those words today I realized that so many things have changed in the last 4 years. I am no longer alone, I do have people in my life who would miss me, their lives would be negatively impacted without me and lives would change.

4 years ago, deep in the midst of the struggle to live through grief, I honestly couldn't see a situation any different than the one I was in and now, it's hard to imagine how I must have felt back then.

It's a truth I need to remember - things change. Just because I felt lost and alone 4 years ago doesn't mean I would always feel that way. Just because I feel rather overwhelmed with the demands of kids right now doesn't mean it'll always be that way. 

Things change because we take steps to make things better. 4 years ago I did whatever I could to meet new people and put myself in new situations. A little over 3 years ago I was so very unhappy with my living situation (those damned roommates that weren't paying rent but felt they had the right to dictate rules about how I lived) that I defied a worldwide pandemic and set about meeting someone new to love and changed my life for all time.

It's all up to me - it was then and it is now. Damned if I'm not about to change a few things.

Bahamas, baby!

 

We went to the Bahamas for our family vacation this year and it was fabulous!

We sailed on Margaritaville at Sea for a 2 night cruise to the Bahamas...yes, the very same one we went on for our honeymoon. It's a smaller and older ship but it had plenty for us. I found another one of those great sales with a buy one, get one and the 3rd and 4th passengers sail for free so we decided to take the kids and make it a real family vacation.

Chris suggested we invite my sister and her family along to join us which was an amazing idea. The best part of the cruise was having her along to make memories with.

Her grandkids had been with her all summer so this was our final summer moment before school started for everybody. The kids were all excited about taking a cruise (and having cousins to play with) but they weren't quite prepared for the fact that sometimes on a ship you have to wait for things like your luggage arriving in the cabin and you have to attend the muster drill even if it's boring.

And so began the 11 year old's descent into pre-teenagerhood. She moped, she drooped, she had an earache that only plagued her when she was bored or hungry but never when there was a swimming pool around...conveniently for her. On our honeymoon cruise we saw every show the ship offered but on this cruise we saw no shows because mopey needed to go back to the cabin each evening right after dinner because she didn't feel good. I was not amused.

Luckily for all of us, she felt peachy keen in the morning we docked in the Bahamas and headed off for our excursion day at a beach resort. There was a lazy river and that's her favorite thing in the world so she wasn't going to miss that. My favorite thing is the beach and I actually went there by myself for most of the morning and it was glorious. Everybody eventually joined me and the 11 year old and I had a marvelous time jumping waves and splashing around and she was feeling just fine.

The resort was gorgeous, everything I wanted the Bahamas to be and it was a wonderful day.

We got back to the ship and we were hungry so we went to the buffet only to find that it wasn't going to open for another hour. We figured it wasn't worth it to go back to the cabin so we sat right at a table, got some drinks and waited.

I guess waiting is too much for an 11 year old and she started to droop once again and then her face was all scrunched up in pain as she looked at us and asked why we had to wait as if we could just snap our fingers and make it all better for her.

The little scrunchy face might have gotten to me if she hadn't just been bragging to her cousin that it was a face she practiced in the mirror to elicit sympathy and get out of doing chores around the house.

Yeah, like that's ever going to work again.

Unfortunately she got herself so worked up that once again we had to leave as soon as we'd eaten and spent the rest of the evening in the cabin because she didn't feel up to doing anything and she's too young to leave by herself. So no shows or dancing or casino for us. I was not happy and have vowed never to take kids on a cruise again. I am glad I have such perfect memories of our honeymoon cruise and had an almost perfect day at the beach this time.

Happier moments from the cruise before we were hit by Hurricane Pre-teen.

All in all, it was a lovely vacation and getting to spend it with my sister made it perfect for me.