truth again

 

Recently I've been reading some of my old blog posts - specifically ones from 2019. 

That was a hard year, my first after Taz died and before I let other people live in my house and, of course, before COVID changed everything.

I started that year totally broken, I hated spending time on my own so I was trying to fill the hours with any sort of activity. I relied too much on people who probably wished I would just go away but the truth was that I spent 95% of my time alone so I guess I didn't lean on them too much even if they might have felt that way.

As the year went on, I started to get used to being by myself, making my own decisions, doing whatever the hell I wanted to whenever I wanted. Weekends stopped being endless hours of pain and I started to realize I could run around, sightsee or just hang out by the pool and it was no one's decision but mine. There is freedom in that, maybe I didn't appreciate it enough at the time. And the best thing - I could watch whatever I wanted to on TV!

This post, Truth, from 4 years ago really hit me when I read it today especially this part -When I'm not busy distracting myself I realize how very alone I am. It is a literal truth that if I weren't here anymore, no one's life would be negatively impacted...except maybe Charlie. Sure, there might be people who might miss me but only for a fleeting moment but nothing about me not being here anymore would change their lives in any way. 

One of the things I like about keeping a blog is documenting exactly how I felt at a given time because it's easy to forget those intense emotions. Clearly, 4 years ago, I felt lost and alone in the world and I couldn't conceive of a time when I'd feel any different. I was still hanging on to as much of my old life as I could - living in the same house, going to the same job, socializing at Disney where I had so many happy memories. But I wasn't getting enjoyment out of all that, none of it was the same as when Taz was there and I was really only going through the motions, not living.

It was only a matter of time before things had to change and, luckily, they changed so gradually that I was able to retain a little bit of sanity.

As I read those words today I realized that so many things have changed in the last 4 years. I am no longer alone, I do have people in my life who would miss me, their lives would be negatively impacted without me and lives would change.

4 years ago, deep in the midst of the struggle to live through grief, I honestly couldn't see a situation any different than the one I was in and now, it's hard to imagine how I must have felt back then.

It's a truth I need to remember - things change. Just because I felt lost and alone 4 years ago doesn't mean I would always feel that way. Just because I feel rather overwhelmed with the demands of kids right now doesn't mean it'll always be that way. 

Things change because we take steps to make things better. 4 years ago I did whatever I could to meet new people and put myself in new situations. A little over 3 years ago I was so very unhappy with my living situation (those damned roommates that weren't paying rent but felt they had the right to dictate rules about how I lived) that I defied a worldwide pandemic and set about meeting someone new to love and changed my life for all time.

It's all up to me - it was then and it is now. Damned if I'm not about to change a few things.