loss

 

A year ago today I walked out of the front door of my house for the very last time.

I was forced to sell it before there was a foreclosure because I wasn't able to pay the mortgage by myself and the people that had been living there with me hadn't paid any rent for months and weren't taking any steps to change that situation. I was able to hold on to it as long as I did because of COVID but those protections were coming to an end and I had no choice.

It was a painful decision to make, giving up the place I'd loved for over 20 years and the last place Taz ever lived. I had hoped that I'd be able to live there with my new family but that didn't work out because of custody issues.

If I'd listened to my mother decades ago and purchased the home owners insurance that paid the house off in the event of the death of a spouse, I'd still have the house. But I was just a young adult and the idea of death was just so far away and improbable.

Stupid, I was.

But I can't change any of it so on to the good news - we cleared out the storage unit where all of the stuff from my house had been stored for over a year! And by "we" I mean Chris did it all, just like he pretty much did a year ago when we moved it all out of the house.

Most of the boxes have gone into our spare room and I'll spend the next year few weeks going through them but the first boxes I'm going to tackle will be my books, my old friends. I figured out that I boxed these books up over 2 years ago, right before the roommates moved in when I was clearing out most of the house for them so I haven't seen these books in a very long time and I miss them.

We bought a new bookcase over the weekend and Chris and the kids surprised me by putting it together while I was driving home from work yesterday. It was such a sweet gesture because they know how much this all means to me.

Having some things from my old house/life around me again is soothing to my soul. Already some of my kitchen stuff is being put to use and some of my decor items are displayed and it makes me smile just to see it all.

It's not easy integrating two households which is probably why we put it off for so long. We've bought some new things this past year that makes some of my things not needed but luckily I work for an organization that houses the homeless so I can always donate the things that I no longer need and they will be part of a fresh start for somebody else.

As I look around at my things snuggled next to Chris's things I know that although there has been a lot of loss in my life, there has been even more gain. I have a new house that we are renovating together, a new family and definitely a new future - one I never could have imagined. There will be more tears along the way, I will always grieve for Taz and our old life but that doesn't mean I won't fully embrace my new life and create many more memories along the way.

On a related note, I REALLY miss my swimming pool especially since I just got a new swimsuit that I'm in love with. I think I see a water park visit in my future!