reflections for the new year

 

December is winding down as is 2022. I always enjoy the beginning of a new year because it's one more chance for a fresh start.

I've been reflecting on this past year - it was quite a roller coaster. It was the year of the wedding and the year I went broke, two things that do not go together.

It was a year I tried hard to help people and ended up feeling taken advantage of more than once. A year when my family had my back and Chris's family was a disappointment. 

All of this has me reflecting on changes that need to be made in 2023. I've decided on 2 words for 2023 - balance and boundaries. 

I've never been very good at setting boundaries and I blame my early childhood for that. My dad's job required us to socialize with people from the association that employed him and my mother taught me that their wants came first and that mine should be last (to be honest, I don't think it ever occurred to my mother that I had the right to have any wants of my own) and I've been putting that lesson to use ever since. I always go to the back of the line, so to speak, and try to make everyone else happy usually at my own expense. I do this unconsciously but sometimes I also do it deliberately, knowing that I'm hurting myself just so that someone else won't be inconvenienced. Because of my training, it's hard to know someone is upset with me but I have to learn that "friends" that have no problem inconveniencing me so that THEY won't be inconvenienced aren't friends at all, they are just users and I am DONE with being used.

So this next year, while I'm trying to re-engage with things that bring me joy, I'm going to also be working on maintaining boundaries with people that are all take and no give because I can't continue to put everyone else first at my own expense. I want to be a generous, helpful person but I'm going to be judicious with that help and not hurt myself in the process.

What are some of the things I've already planned on reintroducing into my life? Definitely more time for reading. I love to read and haven't really done much of it the past couple of years but that's going to change. I'm going to give myself permission to make my room off limits for the kids from time to time so that I can lose myself in a good book because that's so essential to my well-being. I fell in love with reading in first grade and used to come home from the library every week with a huge stack of books and read every one. My mother used to go back to that first grade teacher every year at back to school night and thank her for teaching me to read and instilling the LOVE of reading in me. 

I'm also going to start singing again with my chorus from the old neighborhood. They practice on Monday nights and Mondays are one of the days I drive into Orlando to work. The rehearsal spot is on my way home so there's no reason not to go there...except Monday night is also basketball practice for James and I stopped going to rehearsal to be there for his practice but as long as I'm there for his games, I think I can skip practice a few times.

This one may seem a little weird but I'm going to indulge my little girl side and play with dolls. These are not just any dolls but Disney Nuimos which are little Disney characters (mine is Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas) that you can buy clothes for and pose them. I don't want to collect the dolls, I'm happy with just Sally, but I am giddy about all the cute clothes! They are all the rage on Instagram and I've already gained new followers by posting just a couple of pictures over the Christmas holiday. It's a silly thing but buying the clothes, setting Sally up in scenes and taking pictures makes me happy for now.

Speaking of pictures, I got this sweet retro looking camera last year when I still had money. It's all the newest technology but it looks old and I love it. However I have barely used it because I am a little intimidated by what it can do so I vow to teach myself to use it this next year and take it everywhere.

I took a digital camera class 3 years ago with Taz's camera but, unfortunately, it was old technology (he bought the camera in 2005) and the instructor told me I'd be better off getting a new camera. I didn't want to hear that in 2019 but eventually I realized I really needed to upgrade and that's when I bought my retro beauty. Now I think I need to take another course and watch a ton of You Tube tutorials and just start taking pictures and see if I have any talent for this. I think I have a good eye but I need to work at it.

And of course I want to write. I have 3 book projects in various stages of development - a book about the WASP female pilots in WWII which is based on a lovely woman I knew in Carmel; a book/memoir about my life since Taz died; and a book about the building in the picture - The Tuck Box of Carmel. It was built in 1926 to be a shop but instead it became a restaurant and has been in business ever since. Its 100th anniversary is coming up soon so I have just 3 years to do a book about its history, a project I have been dreaming about since 2012. I had done a lot of research when we lived in California but I think I lost all of it when I couldn't make the payments on our storage unit and lost everything so I have to start all over again. Luckily the Carmel newspaper's back issues are all online so I just have to buckle down, find some time to myself without distractions and get that research going all over again. Then I have to budget for at least one trip to Carmel to take pictures (where that previous idea to learn to use my camera comes into play) to supplement the ones that I already have from Taz. The Tuck Box was our favorite place and he took lots of pictures for me over the years. I would love to do the book and also work with the City Council of Carmel to have a day to honor the 100th anniversary of this special place. I've had this idea for over 10 years but now is definitely the time to start working on it because I'm pretty sure I would never forgive myself if I missed that anniversary.

This one is going to be hard - travel. I love to travel, I crave it but I just don't see it in my future again and that makes me sad. I was blessed during my years with Taz that we traveled all over and we both loved it so much. I have lovely memories but I would really like more. I don't need to travel around the world (although I would love that - getting to Kenya is still at the top of my bucket list) but I would at least like road trips in the US. Chris doesn't crave travel the way I do and there's never any money so this is probably only a dream but I'm never going to stop trying to make it a reality. The above picture is a sticker I got for my bedroom wall so that I never forget how much I love Paris and travel.

There are many more things I'd like to do this year but those are the top ones I'm going to work on as we enter a new year. I want this to be a year of growth and change for me, I want to look back at the end of 2023 and see how I've taken control of my story and guided it in the direction of a strong, happy, healthy, creative me.