truth again

 

Recently I've been reading some of my old blog posts - specifically ones from 2019. 

That was a hard year, my first after Taz died and before I let other people live in my house and, of course, before COVID changed everything.

I started that year totally broken, I hated spending time on my own so I was trying to fill the hours with any sort of activity. I relied too much on people who probably wished I would just go away but the truth was that I spent 95% of my time alone so I guess I didn't lean on them too much even if they might have felt that way.

As the year went on, I started to get used to being by myself, making my own decisions, doing whatever the hell I wanted to whenever I wanted. Weekends stopped being endless hours of pain and I started to realize I could run around, sightsee or just hang out by the pool and it was no one's decision but mine. There is freedom in that, maybe I didn't appreciate it enough at the time. And the best thing - I could watch whatever I wanted to on TV!

This post, Truth, from 4 years ago really hit me when I read it today especially this part -When I'm not busy distracting myself I realize how very alone I am. It is a literal truth that if I weren't here anymore, no one's life would be negatively impacted...except maybe Charlie. Sure, there might be people who might miss me but only for a fleeting moment but nothing about me not being here anymore would change their lives in any way. 

One of the things I like about keeping a blog is documenting exactly how I felt at a given time because it's easy to forget those intense emotions. Clearly, 4 years ago, I felt lost and alone in the world and I couldn't conceive of a time when I'd feel any different. I was still hanging on to as much of my old life as I could - living in the same house, going to the same job, socializing at Disney where I had so many happy memories. But I wasn't getting enjoyment out of all that, none of it was the same as when Taz was there and I was really only going through the motions, not living.

It was only a matter of time before things had to change and, luckily, they changed so gradually that I was able to retain a little bit of sanity.

As I read those words today I realized that so many things have changed in the last 4 years. I am no longer alone, I do have people in my life who would miss me, their lives would be negatively impacted without me and lives would change.

4 years ago, deep in the midst of the struggle to live through grief, I honestly couldn't see a situation any different than the one I was in and now, it's hard to imagine how I must have felt back then.

It's a truth I need to remember - things change. Just because I felt lost and alone 4 years ago doesn't mean I would always feel that way. Just because I feel rather overwhelmed with the demands of kids right now doesn't mean it'll always be that way. 

Things change because we take steps to make things better. 4 years ago I did whatever I could to meet new people and put myself in new situations. A little over 3 years ago I was so very unhappy with my living situation (those damned roommates that weren't paying rent but felt they had the right to dictate rules about how I lived) that I defied a worldwide pandemic and set about meeting someone new to love and changed my life for all time.

It's all up to me - it was then and it is now. Damned if I'm not about to change a few things.

Bahamas, baby!

 

We went to the Bahamas for our family vacation this year and it was fabulous!

We sailed on Margaritaville at Sea for a 2 night cruise to the Bahamas...yes, the very same one we went on for our honeymoon. It's a smaller and older ship but it had plenty for us. I found another one of those great sales with a buy one, get one and the 3rd and 4th passengers sail for free so we decided to take the kids and make it a real family vacation.

Chris suggested we invite my sister and her family along to join us which was an amazing idea. The best part of the cruise was having her along to make memories with.

Her grandkids had been with her all summer so this was our final summer moment before school started for everybody. The kids were all excited about taking a cruise (and having cousins to play with) but they weren't quite prepared for the fact that sometimes on a ship you have to wait for things like your luggage arriving in the cabin and you have to attend the muster drill even if it's boring.

And so began the 11 year old's descent into pre-teenagerhood. She moped, she drooped, she had an earache that only plagued her when she was bored or hungry but never when there was a swimming pool around...conveniently for her. On our honeymoon cruise we saw every show the ship offered but on this cruise we saw no shows because mopey needed to go back to the cabin each evening right after dinner because she didn't feel good. I was not amused.

Luckily for all of us, she felt peachy keen in the morning we docked in the Bahamas and headed off for our excursion day at a beach resort. There was a lazy river and that's her favorite thing in the world so she wasn't going to miss that. My favorite thing is the beach and I actually went there by myself for most of the morning and it was glorious. Everybody eventually joined me and the 11 year old and I had a marvelous time jumping waves and splashing around and she was feeling just fine.

The resort was gorgeous, everything I wanted the Bahamas to be and it was a wonderful day.

We got back to the ship and we were hungry so we went to the buffet only to find that it wasn't going to open for another hour. We figured it wasn't worth it to go back to the cabin so we sat right at a table, got some drinks and waited.

I guess waiting is too much for an 11 year old and she started to droop once again and then her face was all scrunched up in pain as she looked at us and asked why we had to wait as if we could just snap our fingers and make it all better for her.

The little scrunchy face might have gotten to me if she hadn't just been bragging to her cousin that it was a face she practiced in the mirror to elicit sympathy and get out of doing chores around the house.

Yeah, like that's ever going to work again.

Unfortunately she got herself so worked up that once again we had to leave as soon as we'd eaten and spent the rest of the evening in the cabin because she didn't feel up to doing anything and she's too young to leave by herself. So no shows or dancing or casino for us. I was not happy and have vowed never to take kids on a cruise again. I am glad I have such perfect memories of our honeymoon cruise and had an almost perfect day at the beach this time.

Happier moments from the cruise before we were hit by Hurricane Pre-teen.

All in all, it was a lovely vacation and getting to spend it with my sister made it perfect for me.

Summer fun - part 2

 

And now Part 2 of How I Spent My Summer Vacation although I definitely haven't been on vacation...yet. LOL

Now y'all know I LOVE the Fancy Flea vintage shows and I vowed to make it to every one this year and, so far, I've made good on that promise.

The July show is always my favorite, mostly because it's INSIDE in air conditioning which, in July in Florida, is like being in Heaven. Or maybe it's just that being outside is like being in Hell so inside just feels like Heaven.

Anyway, the show ran Friday and Saturday and I knew we'd be too busy with basketball to get there on Saturday so weeks ago I requested Friday off from work. I went by myself because the kids were with their mother and Chris was working and sometimes it's more fun to visit a vintage show by myself anyway so that I can meander and visit a booth more than once without any particular reason. This show had 2 full convention rooms full of glorious stuff, all quite drool-worthy.

I loved looking at every single item and went around the convention rooms several times but there just wasn't anything I loved enough to spend money on so after a couple of hours in Heaven, I went home empty-handed.

I made up for it, though, because I later went to a local store and treated myself to a couple pieces of clothing. I felt like I had earned it by being so self sacrificing at the Flea.

We all went to see the Barbie movie the next day, even James although he didn't make it into this picture. Cadence and I wore our matching pink Barbie shirts and got quite a bit of attention. I didn't think the movie was as funny as I'd expected it to be so I can't say I loved it but Cadence thought it was AMAZING so I'm glad we all went. Every 3 months Cadence and I have a Girls' Day and this was our special event. We "allowed" the boys to accompany us...mostly because we figured they'd think it was torture and that was funny to us.

And then the next day the most glorious thing happened - we went to the beach!

Chris is not a beach person but the kids and I love it so he drove 2 hours so that we could spend the day splashing in the water and adding to our seashell collection. The weather was perfect with a little breeze (at least until the big rain storm came in later that afternoon) and we had the best time. My little beach loving soul was finally happy and I loved every minute. I am going to insist that we go at least every 2 months because why put up with the horrendous Florida summers if you're not going to enjoy the wonderful Florida beaches?

And that won't be my last beach trip for the summer because we're ending the season with a bang - a real vacation for us and my sister's family. Remember how we took a real quick 2 day honeymoon cruise right after our wedding? Well that cruise line ran a special earlier in the year for 2 for 1 cruises again AND kids were free so we all booked a family vacation right before school starts up again. I've never vacationed with my sister (and her grandkids and her husband) before so this should be all sorts of awesome.

Can't wait to tell you all about it and show pictures!

Summer fun

 

The summer has pretty much flown by and, for the most part, it's been quite nice. We've definitely had some fun times and lots of laughs.

Chris and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary together by getting away for one night in Orlando and it was the perfect night because, for once, I had all his attention. We found a really cheap motel right across from ICON park and got to ride the big ferris wheel and see all of Orlando spread out at our feet. They let you stream music through their speakers so we slowed danced to our song hundreds of feet up in the air. It was all so much fun that we swore we'd do something like that more often. Of course we haven't but it was nice to think we would.

The very next day the "honeymoon" was over because we picked up our grandson for the week. Chris took him to an arcade museum so that they could play pinball and video games for a couple of hours.

Our grandson enjoyed spending time with us but he was really looking forward to spending time with Cadence and James...until they actually arrived and then he and James fought for the next few days in between the times they were getting along well enough to play. It was a long week.

So long and so stressful of a week that I couldn't wait to drive away on Friday to meet up with my sister for a long-planned girls weekend! We had so much fun together, discovered a new favorite restaurant and got matching tattoos. She is my most favoritest person in the world and I'm so lucky that we're related. For so many years I lived too far away for us to hang out together and now that we're just 6-ish hours away from each other we plan to see each other as much as possible. 

This time we each drove 3 hours and met in the middle of nowhere Florida and discovered a place we want to come back to again and again...and maybe sometimes we'll even bring our husbands.

The next weekend was Fathers Day and we took the kids to play a round of miniature golf. It was hot and humid and Cadence and I almost passed out from heat exhaustion but we all had fun.

The next weekend my sister and her family came down and we went to my mother's nursing home to celebrate her 101st birthday. We got her out of bed and had a little party in the dining room. 

And then the next day we celebrated Cadence's 11th birthday at Main Event with her best friend.

By the time that weekend was over, I was seriously exhausted but luckily I had a little 4 day weekend to look forward to because of the July 4th holiday.

I finally got to treat myself to that sushi I'd been craving since May. It's not my favorite sushi restaurant but it was good and satisfying and it felt so good to do something entirely for myself.

I'll talk about the rest of July in the next post - I had a lovely visit to the summer Fancy Flea and we, finally, got to go to the beach!

Summer is here

 

This'll be a quickie because me and the Mr. will be heading out for a one night getaway before we go pick up our grandson for a week. We're celebrating 3 years together, can you imagine? It still kinda seems like yesterday that he said he wanted to "kidnap" me for a weekend (after having talked for about a month) and I (very unlike me) said yes and the rest is history.

C graduated from elementary school last week and it was a grand occasion. She picked out a brand new dress (I had to hem it and that's not something I've done in a while) and I took her to get her nails and hair done. She said she felt like a princess and that just made my heart happy.

I took her shopping for the dress and shoes and, for once, we didn't go to the kids' section. She's growing up!

So school is out for the summer which is great for the kids and means I can sleep in a little every weekday morning and not have to drive them anywhere but it's also a hard time for all of us because the kids are bored while I work from home and I feel a little trapped because I can't make a move in the house without someone asking what I'm doing.

I'm going to try to plan some fun activities for the kids this summer and just take long lunch breaks, knowing that I'll have to make up the time by working into the evening. This week we went to a noon matinee at the local movie theater that is showing kids' movies each week of the summer. We all enjoyed getting out of the house so I think we'll do it every week.

We're also going to try to get in a couple hours of pool time each week and I will try bringing my work laptop to the pool to continue working while they swim. I have to get creative with this so that we aren't at each others' throats by the time August rolls around.

Ok, we're off for our getaway, I'll tell you all about it next week!

sushi and stuff

 

I was out walking Charlie a few minutes ago (yes, I still bring her in to the office) when it hit me - Friday is Taz's birthday.

And not only is it his birthday, it would have been his 60th birthday. Such a milestone and he never made it.

Cue the waterworks. I stumbled back to my office and I've been off and on crying ever since. I'm just never going to understand why he wasn't allowed to live a full life, why he was cheated out of so many years. Even if I couldn't be in his life, I wish he could have had more years and more experiences. There are so many things he wanted to do, so many places he wanted to visit and that makes me sad...and angry, still.

Maybe it's hitting me because of the number - 60 is a big milestone and it kind of snuck up on me. He was 55 when he died and that's where he's stayed in my head but 60 hits different somehow.

Maybe it's because I'm at a challenging place in my life right now - nothing big, just a thousand little things that make me wonder about my choices some days.

I miss Taz, I miss our life together, I really miss all the traveling we did, I miss sushi...oh, how I miss sushi.

I was going to treat myself to sushi last Friday. I'd had a hard week at work but I had finished all my tasks ahead of the deadline by Thursday so I decided to sneak away from my home office, do a little shopping and then try a new sushi restaurant for lunch. Chris and the kids think sushi is disgusting so I rarely eat it these days but Friday was my day.

Until Chris called at 9 that morning to tell me our daughter wasn't feeling well (he had just picked her and our son up for school at their mom's house because she hasn't had a car for a year but that's a story for another day) so he was going to drop the "sick" child off at our house and she could spend the day resting.

Well fuck. There went all my plans to have a little fun and give myself a treat. Not only did I have to stay home but we didn't have anything to eat or drink in the house (because I was going to go shopping Friday) and I wasn't going to be able to go anywhere to get something now. and trust me, that made me so cranky. As a "mom" I knew it was something I had to do but the princess inside of me was not happy about her plans being disrupted without warning or even consideration. Things didn't get much better in my head when the "sick" daughter came in the house talking a mile a minute wanting to hang out with me in the living room and watch TV rather than go rest in her room so I knew she really wasn't all that sick.

So yeah, sushi is all I can think of right now and thinking about sushi makes me think about Taz because he loved it so much and introduced it to me in China. You'd think it would have been Japan, right? But I've never been to Japan so I actually had my first sushi in Shanghai, China.

I've decided to take this Friday (his birthday) off from work (and you'd better believe I'll be announcing this to the Mr. and telling him he'd better not fuck up my Friday) to go do something nice and relaxing for myself and then go have that sushi lunch in his honor. Maybe I'll even get his favorite - a spider roll.

Take Me Back to the Titanic

 

I'm back!

April has been full of some fun things - we attended our 5th grader's first musical concert. 

She's been learning how to play the ukulele after school because her wonderful music teacher wanted to have a ukulele group to play for school functions. She only invited a handful of her students, ones she thought would really work hard and C was one of them. She LOVES it and we're so proud.

I found someone on Etsy to make a tiny replica of my wedding dress for my Sally doll and I freaking love it. I know it's silly but these little things make me happy.

Our cat, Tigger, had a perfect and beautiful little kitten which we've named Snowball. She actually had 3 kittens but 2 of them were gone in just a few hours but Snowball, the last one to be born, is a fat little guy (girl? who knows?) and seems to be very healthy so fingers crossed. He moves around a lot, already has his eyes opening and I think he'll be running the whole house before he's even 4 weeks old.

We're all already in love with him, even Charlie is fascinated and doesn't seem to mind (too much) that he's taken over her bed.

But, by far, the best thing that happened in April was that I got to attend a Titanic speakers conference. I have been a Titanic enthusiast ever since they first discovered the wreck in 1985. Of course I'd been aware of the disaster from 1912 but this was the first time I realized how beautiful the ship had been, how opulent the furnishings and clothes were in 1912 and I think that's when I officially fell in love with historic fashion.

The movie in 1997 was fun to see on the big screen and there was something magical about feeling like I was actually walking the decks. I could have cared less about the fiction story taking place and when I re-watch the movie these days I actually stop when they hit the iceberg because I only watch it to catch a glimpse of life aboard the ship for those 4 days.

When the 100th anniversary rolled around (2012) I desperately wished I could have taken part in one of the many events that were taking place all over the world but we weren't in a place to travel anywhere so we settled for watching the movie in a theater again since they re-released it for the anniversary.

Last year the Titanic exhibit in Orlando announced their first ever Speakers Conference and I signed up to go but then had to cancel almost immediately so when they announced they were doing it again this year, I jumped on it so hard and vowed that nothing and no one was going to keep me from it.

I kept that vow - I attended the event and it was amazing and inspirational and even more than I'd hoped it would be!

The Titanic exhibit has been in Orlando for years and Taz and I visited it a few times, even dragging my brother in law along one time. It's down the street from my job but I have not stopped by in the last 5 years so it was great to be back and see all the exhibits and artifacts again.

The speakers were all the top names in Titanic history since 1985 including several people who have been on numerous drives. My favorite speaker talked about life in 1912 and she was great but I couldn't help but think how I might do a presentation like that differently which has inspired me to put together my own presentation to give to local schools and libraries. I have a collection of Titanic books here in Florida with me (and I try not to think about all the ones that got left behind in California) so I'm going to start researching again.

I really want to put an emphasis on afternoon tea on the Titanic because that's the epitome of luxury and it allows me to talk about the differences in the services for 1st class, 2nd class and 3rd class.

The conference lasted for 2 days so I spent more time in Orlando that week than I ever do which meant a lot of time on the road (it's a 2 hour drive each way if the traffic is bad) but it was totally worth it. Unfortunately my little car didn't agree and overheated on the way home the first day so it's out of commission right now until we can save some money for the repairs. Luckily we have a family car which I am now using so it didn't keep me from the 2nd day of the conference.

There was something deeply satisfying about attending the conference and indulging in something I love. I haven't had a truly *me* moment in awhile and it was long overdue. The whole experience reminded me of how much I love research. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the things that bring us joy, things that can easily be forgotten in the hustle and bustle of the day to day. I'm going to find ways to build research time into my life from now on.

April has been a fun month, fairly low key which is good because May is going to be totally different since we'll be winding down the school year along with C's graduation from 5th grade which seems to be a way bigger deal than when I graduated 5th grade. There will be parties and open houses and a ceremony. We'll be shopping for a new outfit and Chris will even be taking her to get her hair done before the graduation. 

And then school will be out and summer vacation will begin which means having the kids home with me all day while I'm also trying to work...but that's still a month in the future.