talk

There are many things that I miss about my marriage.

Of course I miss sex, I have made no secret about that. But really, if I had to rank them, the number 1 thing I miss about being married to Taz is having someone to talk to...about anything.

Taz was really private or at least he wanted me to be private. I have a feeling he was more open with his friends than he wanted me to be with mine. Regardless, the end result is that over the years I really only talked to him about all the things going on in our lives. You hear of women that talk to their women friends about EVERYTHING but that was never me. Even without Taz's feelings, I've never been the type to verbally vomit to my friends about private things and I never really needed to because there was always Taz.

We literally talked from the time we woke up in the morning (often I was almost late for work because we got talking and I forgot about the time) until one of us fell asleep on the couch at night. He would call me on his way home from work or even a grocery store trip and talk all the way until he got home. Sometimes he even sat in the driveway and just kept talking until I'd laugh and tell him to come inside. Of course we talked about the bad things like money problems and unemployment but more importantly, we talked about food and books and clothes and other people - you know, all the important things. 

We laughed a lot, especially when talking about other people.

And I miss that, I miss seeing somebody do something stupid on the road and coming home to tell him. I miss complaining about my mother. I even miss listening to him complain about politics. I miss talking about work and listening to him tell me all about his job. I miss the fact that he had great trust in my judgement and sought my advice about work situations. I really miss our discussions about our dreams for our future - we had such plans.

I miss having something happen on my daily walks with Charlie and being able to share that with him.

Case in point - I have a part-time neighbor who lives in England but comes to stay at his house at least twice a year for a couple of months each time. The rest of the time the house is rented out as a vacation villa. I avoided talking to him when he visited in the spring because (as I've mentioned before) the first question he has is "how is your husband?" and I wasn't emotionally ready to deal with that. But I knew I had to get it over with this trip and yesterday we had THE talk and the first person I really wanted to share that with is Taz.

Which is weird, of course, because I can't share a conversation about his death with him because, well you know.

But it was a big emotional hurdle for me to get over and the person I most wanted to share that kind of feeling with would be him and it sucks, sucks, sucks that he's not here to do that with anymore.

And there's nobody else that I talk to in that kind of a way. My local friends are wonderful at keeping me amused but they have never invited those kinds of confidences. They have never once asked about emotional issues and I'm not going to burden them with it if they don't want it.

I have far-away friends that might be open for that type of discussion face to face but it just doesn't seem right when we're only writing to each other.

And I know I've said this before, but I really miss that kind of connection with another human being. Yes, I could talk to a therapist but I don't want to have a fake connection with someone that I'm paying...and I can't afford it anyway. I want to have a connection with somebody that is there purely because they care about me more than anything.

I'm not complaining, I'm just stating the fact that yesterday I had something major I wanted to talk about and missed having somebody to share it with.

Yesterday somebody that I follow on Instagram posted how a year ago he was hurting from a bad breakup and then he met somebody, went on a first date with them and the two of them talked so much that they barely took a breath for hours and a) I was happy for him and b) I had that YES moment where I knew that was exactly what I wanted too - someone who can't get enough of talking with me. I look forward to that happening one day again but I'm very aware of how blessed I was to have had it at least once in my life.

So until then, this blog is where I pour out my feelings which is nice because I love writing but it's so one-sided. There's nothing better than the give and take of a real conversation with a true kindred spirit.