normal

I just read back over the last several posts and oh my goodness, do I sound needy or what?

That is so not me and I find myself getting annoyed with all the whining. I have got to stop.

I was just watching a show (because the cable isn't getting disconnected for another week - woohoo!) about a widower getting back out in the dating world. It's a sitcom (because doesn't that sound like a funny premise for a show?) so parts of it are stupid but I actually find a lot of connection with the non-stupid parts.

In tonight's episode the guy found himself in a sort of relationship because he was too nice and he didn't want to hurt somebody and make them feel alone, because he knew how that felt. He had this one line where he said that he was doing all sorts of weird things to feel normal again because he hadn't felt that way for a year.

Light bulb moment.

I just want to feel normal again, to feel some sort of connection and it's making me act all out of character, trying too hard. Because I've been in a relationship for over 3 decades and that's what feels normal to me.

But the bottom line is - normal isn't normal any more. Even if I magically found someone tomorrow who wanted to love me forever, it wouldn't be *my* normal because that normal will never happen again and I've got to accept that.

I don't think whatever this is now is my new normal (could that sentence be any more confusing?) at least I hope this isn't normal for me. I think this is just a limbo period where growth can take place...or not, I guess that's up to me.

Maybe one day there will be a new normal but the normal I had is gone and I've got to stop driving myself crazy trying to recapture it. It has left the building.

Luckily, I use this blog as my sounding board and I don't inflict these feelings on anybody else so nobody really knows how needy and pathetic I've been. So tomorrow I'm going to wake up (after sleeping in because I have taken the day off!) and just chill with where I am right now, stop trying so hard to change it or make sense of it.

I've never really wanted to be normal anyway.