mixed

Look, I'm sling-free! Well, at least around the house and the office. I still wear it when I'm in a public place so that people steer clear and don't bump into me.

I went to the doctor last Thursday for a follow-up appointment. I worried that he would say it wasn't healing correctly and that I'd need surgery after all but, luckily, that's not what happened. He said I was healing well and that I could now begin to move it a little although I still can't use it like normal.

I've started going to occupational therapy so that I can increase my range of motion. That's a good thing. What's a bad thing is that therapy HURTS. I know I need to go through the pain to get over the pain but damn, it's hard. 

Not as hard as the first week or two after the break, I have to keep reminding myself of that. Now it's my muscles that hurt. Apparently they thought that the 2 1/2 week vacation they had from moving was pretty sweet and they are 100% not interested in resuming their jobs and they let me know with each movement I make. 

I have a series of exercises that I have to do 3 times a day. Most of them are fun and I enjoy doing them but there's 1 exercise that I dread because it hurts so much but I make myself do it every time and I can see a teeny, tiny, miniscule bit of improvement...and that's what motivates me to keep doing it.

Not much else to tell. My life has been turned upside down and consumed by this injury so I haven't been doing much more than going to work then coming home and sleeping on the couch. I've been out a couple of times but nothing exciting enough to talk about. I don't feel very social these days so I've only gone out because I had to or I wanted to see my kids. I appreciate my friends including me on outings but they all last longer than I would like, they take so much out of me physically.

It hasn't escaped my notice that it's November which means it's almost been a year since I lost Taz. That knowledge combined with my injury has dealt my emotional recovery a blow. I've been depressed, I've thought how nice it would be to not wake up, I've cried just like I cried a year ago. I honestly don't know how to get through all this except to just keep my head down and keep trudging. I'm so tired of trudging through life.

Everyone says that things will get better. I honestly don't see how they ever will but I cling to that tiny shred of hope. I am deeply unhappy and feel so alone and I don't want that to be my reality forever. There's even a part of me that hoped that this broken arm journey was going to lead to me meeting someone but that hasn't happened. Sigh. So far, the only thing I've learned from all this is that, despite the fact that I know there are people out there that truly care about me, I'm really completely on my own. There was no one around when I could barely function from the emotional pain last year, there was no one around when I could barely stand up from the couch (or the bed or the toilet) from the physical pain this year. There was no one around when I couldn't even dress myself or fix food or shop for food. I couldn't even have groceries delivered because I spent the grocery money on a new bra so that I could actually stop wearing my old one 24/7. I shouldn't have been driving and probably shouldn't have been at work that first week but I had no choice about either. No one even asked if I needed help because they had their own lives to deal with. And I'm not bitter (ok, just a little) I'm just being realistic. If there was nobody there during a time when it was fucking obvious I needed help, there will be no one around when it's all internal and I have to rely on myself alone. Full disclosure - one friend offered me a gift that was priceless - help with a large project I have to finish by January - and I am forever grateful to her. She lives 3000 miles away and knew she couldn't help in person but she came up with some ideas of how to help and let me pick one. I can't even begin to say thank you enough, it's going to make a huge difference.

Luckily I'm a strong woman and that's what most people have been counting on all along. Everyone wants to hear that I'm doing better and better each day and now that the year anniversary is here, that's what they're going to expect. I'm sure it won't be too long before I have people gently telling me that it's time to move on.

If only I could.

Don't worry, these moods never last long, I'll go back to being funny and adorable eventually, it's my default setting.