mood swinging

I've always been a fairly easy-going person, not given to wild swings of emotion. I've basically been pretty happy and optimistic, rarely letting myself get down for too long, not letting temporary problems get to me.

It was a good contrast to Taz who had a tad bit more volatility to his nature. And anybody who knew him would be chuckling right now because that was the understatement of the century.

So it's been hard for me to deal with the "new" Jonni who seems to have mood swings on an hourly basis. I've given myself emotional whiplash on a drive to work going from happy to sad to giggly to flat out sobbing in just 30 minutes based on the random thoughts that go through my head.

Take last night, I left chorus rehearsal feeling great and not 10 minutes later I was wracked with grief thinking about how Taz always used to text me 15 minutes before rehearsal ended to let me know what the traffic was like on my way home and which road to take. I always appreciated that thoughtfulness on his part because it really came in handy. Unlike other times when his "thoughtfulness" came across like micro-managing or nagging. LOL

So there I am, driving down the road with tears running down my face, almost doubled over from the physical pain of grief marveling at how quickly I went from happiness to sorrow. And then, just like that, by the time I got on the highway (which was wonderfully traffic free) I was ok again so no trace of the pain, sorrow and tears even remained when I walked in my house.

Weird.

Or how about when I wrote yesterday's blog post and I was feeling pretty good about the weekend but then I read it back to myself and realized that the weekend actually hadn't been that great. I had a crappy Friday night trying to be a social person and failing and ended up crying in a fast food parking lot...again. Saturday morning was good only because it was an unusual situation unlikely to ever happen again. Saturday afternoon was emotionally draining (clearing out Taz's clothes from the closet) and I cried a LOT then Saturday night my plans to go out fizzled when the other person canceled, which I don't blame her for (I've wanted to cancel tons of plans over the years) but it still left me feeling lonely, another case of nobody wanting to spend time with me and I ended up in another fast food parking lot. Hey, at least I wasn't crying this time.

Sunday was unequivocally a good day and that's what left the lasting impression that it was a good weekend for which I'm grateful. But while I was happy with the weekend while writing the blog post, I felt quite depressed and sad when I read it.

And then there's my job which I loved when it was part-time but find it increasingly difficult now. I was happy (well, as happy as one can be on a Monday morning) to come into work yesterday but then things happened and the day was stressful and suddenly I had that trapped, I hate my life, nothing is ever going to get better feeling on the drive home. 

And I do feel like it's never going to change, never going to get better. Have I used up all the good times (and I've had so many good times) and now it's just pain from now on?

I know that's probably just my grief talking but that's how it feels to me. I keep trying to change things. I've been doing the meetup things for a year now and I haven't made a single friend. I wish I could look for another job but I need the flexible hours of the one I have now because my roommates need help picking up the kids from school and most jobs wouldn't let me leave at 3:30 pm 2-3 times a week. 

I've heard of widows starting over in a new place and I must admit the idea intrigues me but then I'll hear stories about how that was a big mistake and they are unhappy and wish they hadn't done it. For me to do that I'd have to sell the house, my biggest connection with Taz. What if I did that and then decided it was a mistake? That's a mistake I can't undo.

So I try not to think about these things and instead focus on keeping busy, a mindless sort of busy to keep myself from thinking too much. But that's not me, I despise mindless things. 

See - whiplash. 

Oh well, at least when I get tired of thinking about my problems I can always think about my mother's problems, which have become mine. I'm still on the Medicaid merry-go-round. She was denied because they didn't have all the information they wanted (even though I thought I'd provided everything they asked for) so I applied again and I just got a letter today that they need more information - some of which I don't have access to and don't know how to get it - and the deadline to provide all that stuff was yesterday. Yeah, that doesn't make my head hurt. Oh well, if they deny it again I'll just reapply and start all this over again.

Actually, thinking about all that makes me wish I only had my own problems to deal with. 

And I'm not even getting into the financial fallout from my broken arm. I'm in total denial about that.

So, for right now I'm going to go search for something to eat here in the office and go back to my stressful reports. Suddenly work is looking like the safest space I have.

Happy thoughts, think happy thoughts.