Thursday, September 1, 2011

New Beginnings

Well hello!  Here it is, September 1st already.  Bet you were wondering where I disappeared in the last half of August, didn't you?  Actually, you probably didn't since I think only 1 person is still reading this blog...hi Laurie!

I had to take a little break from writing because I was having trouble maintaining a sunny outlook.  They say there are 5 stages of grief:

1.  Denial & Isolation
2.  Anger
3.  Bargaining
4.  Depression
5.  Acceptance

I've not really experienced bargaining (what the heck would I bargain for, it's not like the situation is going to change.) but I think I'm going through numbers 1, 2 and 4 simultaneously.  Or at least I bounce from one to the other on any given day.

I've truly never experienced anything like this.  I've never been so sad for so long.  I've lost dogs before and I've lost people that I loved dearly before and yet this experience is knocking all the wind out of my sails like NEVER before.  Not that you'd know if you saw me in person, I'm good at hiding my feelings.  My own mother hasn't even noticed that anything is wrong with me...but maybe that's not the best example. ;-)

It's been almost 2 months now and last week I really believed I was sailing into the harbor of acceptance.  I finally stopped crying every single day and I was starting to look forward to future plans.  I suppose it helped a lot that another situation in our lives looked like it was finally going to change.  This week, however, the situation still hasn't been resolved and I'm slipping back out to sea.

I think I'll stop wallowing, however, and not post about it anymore.  I'm usually a stiff upper lip sort, not the kind to moan to others about my difficulties and I find I'm annoying even myself.  I wouldn't want to do that to my readers Laurie.  September has always been about new beginnings for me and I'm ready to make one.  September is going to be a happy posting month...after today, of course.  It's not like I've been sitting around staring at the walls for the last few weeks.  I've traveled, learned how to make preserves and spent time exploring new places and I've got pictures to share so watch this space!


  1. You just have to allow yourself to long as you're getting out and doing things and allowing life to move ahead. It's so so hard, but life has to move on (speaking after a year of deep mourning for my mom). It doesn't mean you're not going to be sad sometimes.
    Another way that we're alike. I'm good at hiding my feelings also I was devastated after my father-in-law died and was so surprised when my sister-in-law told me that when she was feeling overwhelmed at the funeral home the day of the visitation, she would seek me out because she knew I could make her laugh. Yet I was so very sad...

  2. Cakes, understand that you experienced a major disruption of your life, your constant shadow and best friend (Taz excepted) has left a hole in your heart. I completely understand and KNOW that two months is not enough time to go through all those stages...not even close..because you miss him every single minute of every single day!! You cannot share that kind of bond with someone after 15 years and get over it in two months. Don't put a time line on how you's so gradual, this feeling of acceptance and going on with life in a not quite fulfilled way. Because that's what it are empty of that bond. That bond that is like no other, and those with children might find it hard to understand that bond..but I understand it. You lost your child and that is not something that mends...ever. You will NEVER stop feeling the loss. You will just find more and more things to fill that emptiness over time. Hope I'm not too blunt, but having gone through this and knowing I'll go through it again, in not quite the same way, is somewhat torturous, but it's also a sweet rapturous torture, because you crave the bond, but it's so hard severing from it through no control of your own. I so wish dogs lived longer lives, because of all the unconditional love they give it seems unfair that they don't; they deserve to. So we have to struggle to balance our long lives with their very short ones and the only blessing we have is that we can share our lives with more than one best friend in a lifetime. We can brighten and fill the life of a dog for as long as we are given, so take some comfort in that..that we love and bond with our babies and we can leave this world knowing that we helped the world's most loyal animal have a healthy and happy, purpose-filled life. Love you lots, girl..wish I could've seen you and Taz in FL..let me know when you return.


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