How are you?
It's such an innocuous little question, one that's asked and answered many times each day and yet, it's such a minefield for me these days.
Do I answer honestly? Do I say "horrible" "terrible" "I'm devastated" "I want to fling myself down on my bed and never get up."
How about "I feel like my heart is being ripped out each morning that I wake up and realize, for the millionth time, that it wasn't a dream and I have to trudge through yet another day without my best friend."
Or my personal favorite "when I think about living the next 30 - 40 years all alone like this, I feel a tsunami of grief overtaking me and I don't think I'm going to make it."
You see, no one wants to hear that. Hell, I don't even want to hear it. So I just fall back on "I'm ok" and that's all the asker wanted to hear anyway so they say "great!" and I feel like a fraud but they're happy.
Maybe one day I won't be lying.
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