ghosted

I'd heard about ghosting for years - when you're texting with someone, getting to know them (or maybe you've already hooked up) and then suddenly they disappear and you don't hear from them again and never really know why.

It sounded painful but it didn't really apply to my life so I didn't think that much about it. 

Well now I do.

Because it keeps happening to me over and over again. I hate it.

It's happened with men but not so much because I don't have much contact with men these days. A couple of times that it's happened it's just funny because I really wasn't interested. One time, however, that it has happened was/is painful and I'll probably never talk about it. Men complain a LOT about women but let me tell you, they are stupid and unfathomable and confusing and stupid (yes, again) in their own right.

It's happened a lot with women that have contacted me because of things I've posted on Facebook groups that have touched their heart so they contact me to tell me that and suggest that we can become friends. Ok, I could use new friends, so I text back and then when I try to get a little specific about meeting for coffee or something, they ghost. Guess they really didn't want new friends after all but why contact me in the first place? I certainly didn't initiate it.

It's happened with people who are already friends and they contact me and say they want to come visit and then we start making definite plans and the date comes and goes and I haven't heard from them. Super annoying.

Or friends will respond to something I've put up on Facebook about an event I would like to attend and they comment that they'd love to do it too or they'll be with me on that day and that's the last I hear about that. I get that they're busy with their own lives, that's why I never bug anybody about stuff like that. If they really wanted to do it, they would talk to me about it. When I never hear anything I know that it was all talk, no action.

The most recent 'ghost' was this past weekend with a husband and wife that started the company Taz was a part of last year. They were there with me in the hospital and I thought we'd started a friendship but I haven't heard anything from them since then. So last Friday I texted both of them to say hi. I immediately heard back from the wife that she'd just been thinking about me and she asked how I was. I answered back with my standard "I'm fine" answer and then I suggested maybe we could get together for a quick hello when they are up in the area to attend the Food and Wine festival. They had always said it was an event they looked forward to attending each year. I know that they go with a group of friends/family and I certainly didn't want to intrude so that's why I suggested just a quick catch up. I didn't want them to think I wanted to tag along all day.

I never heard another thing from either one of them. It's been 4 days now and nada, zip, zilch, nothing, bupkiss. Is bupkiss a word? Oh, just looked it up and it's actually bupkis. You learn something every day.

I just don't understand ghosting. I mean, I guess I do, people are cowards and afraid of confrontation so if they decide they really don't want to continue to get to know someone it's easier to just disappear than to say a proper goodbye but really, it's rude and hurtful to the person especially if there's no good reason you don't want to continue the relationship.

At this stage in my life, every ghost is a knife in my back. I already feel unloved and unlovable and being ghosted is just confirmation that there's something wrong with me, that I'm not worth even the smallest effort. And it may have nothing to do with me at all, it may be that the ghoster is just a prick but my soul is hurting too much to absorb that. Because even if they're a prick, they are a prick that decided I wasn't worth any effort on their part.

Which is totally their loss because I'm delightful.