pariah

So I'm basically a pariah in my own house because I'm trying to walk a fine line between being sensitive to the needs of others and, at the same time, doing what I need to do to keep my job and keep eating. I'm not breaking any lockdown rules (at ALL, I haven't even been inside any store for a month, I'm certainly not socializing, I haven't been in another house and no one that I know has been to mine) but I'm not living my life the way others would like me to. Interestingly enough, most of the things I'm doing, they are doing too but I guess it's only ok when they're doing them. Let me tell you, getting groceries delivered is NOT cheap with the delivery fees and having to add a tip; it's no wonder I got an alert from my bank a few days ago that I only had $22 left in my account. Thank goodness that was after I'd just been charged for a grocery delivery so I could still eat over the weekend.

I also got a little lecture about the proper way to wear and care for masks and gloves...as if I haven't been here living all of this quarantine stuff right with everybody else and following all the rules. Maybe  I'm just too old to absorb all that information so it needs to be mansplained to little ol' me.  Believe me, I have a 4 letter word for that.

One of the great advantages of being a pariah is that I had the whole pool and back deck of the house to myself all weekend long since apparently nobody wants to share the same air. So I got a chance to sit out, read, swim and eat my meals just as if I were living alone in the house again.

Mostly that was great except sometimes it gets to me like Sunday evening when I went to my room and sobbed almost uncontrollably for 30 minutes. That was fun.

Want to see my new home office? I was using the dining room that week I had to work from home exclusively while we were waiting for my tenant's COVID test but that wasn't an ideal situation as I had to spend the next week at my office (which is very isolated - just me and my boss and we sit at opposite ends of the building in our own private offices and speak to each other over video) catching up on all the stuff I couldn't do at home or fixing all the mistakes I made because my "desk" was often the site of tea parties and it's damned hard to concentrate on work when you're also attending a tea party. Accounting was not made for working at home with kids who are bored.

So here's my new "desk" in the middle of the walkway between my couch and bed. Don't worry, I'm making a mental note to clean up my bookcase; that will be next weekend's project.

It's a much less distracting place to work especially since nobody comes in my room anymore. I participated in my staff meetings, more video chats with my boss (ok, we do those mostly for fun and because we keep each other sane), and worked on all those projects that don't require me to be at the office. I really wish I were living alone right now, working from home would be SO much more fun and I wouldn't have to do it trapped in my room but I'm glad I have the option because the alternative would be unemployment.

Over the weekend, when I wasn't monopolizing the pool, I tidied up a roll top desk in the kitchen so that I can display MY NEW PINK MICKEY PLATES! Yes, I broke down and offered the seller on Ebay a deal to buy all 4 plates and he went for it. I'm so happy to have this design back in my life, I never thought I'd see it again and these plates are pink which I didn't even know was an option back in the 20th century when Taz and I bought our original plates.

The larger pink plates and the bowls are ones I already had but had stuffed them into the little bit of cabinet space that I have so it's nice to have them out where I can see them and they're easy to use. The roll top desk belonged to my mother and Taz and I rescued it from her house when she was moved into Assisted Living back in 2017.

I had some other pink plates that Taz bought for me at a yard sale but they were sent to live in the garage a couple of months ago and I'm not sure where they are. One day I'll spend some time out there to find them and my cast iron pans which also got shunted out there in the great kitchen purge in February.

I figure I'll do one project per weekend to make myself feel like I'm not wasting this time and then I can lay around like a lounge chair potato the rest of the time with no guilt...not that I usually feel guilty about that kind of thing anyway. 

So I will continue to soldier on, one project at a time, one day at a time, doing my best to have care and concern for others but also staying true to myself. I'm not going to hand over my pen so that others can write my story.

sad

Not a lot to talk about today - I mean, there's a LOT to talk about but I don't feel free to do so.

Suffice to say that there's tension in the house and I vacillate between intense anger, incredible frustration and overwhelming sadness.

This isn't how it was all supposed to go, this was supposed to be the solution not even more of a problem. I wrote to a friend yesterday that I've never felt more alone in my life, that everything I went through and felt last year was all cupcakes and butterflies compared to this.

And now I just want a cupcake. And a hug.

skint list

For the first 20-ish years of our marriage I didn't have to worry (too much) about money. Of course we weren't rich but we had more than enough to meet our daily needs and some savings so I could pretty much buy whatever I wanted.

Luckily for Taz's peace of mind, I've never had expensive tastes nor the need to acquire things so I never took advantage of this...mostly.

But the last 10 years were a different story, our pockets were often empty and extra spending was kept to a bare minimum so that we could keep the lights on and eat at least once every day.

While I may not have been much of a spender when I could have been, my wants grew wild when I knew I couldn't satisfy them. Suddenly every catalog or magazine contained things that were so pretty they made my heart ache, things I really didn't want to live without but somehow had to.

To keep all this in check I developed the "skint list" which was something I kept on the computer where I could keep track everything that I desperately wanted so that one day, when things got better, I could get it.

I would put everything on there from restaurants we wanted to try to trips we needed to take to clothes, furniture and kitchen items that I knew would enrich my life if only I had them. The list kept me from going crazy and somehow, by putting it out there in black and white, I didn't need to obsess over it and usually completely forgot about it.

Here and there over those 10 years we had pockets of time when things weren't so bad and I would be able to buy one or two things from the list. When I would suddenly be able to buy, I would go to the list and often discovered that it contained a lot of things I didn't really want anymore. I think, often, the act of acknowledging I wanted it and putting it on the list was all I really needed. I should add that I also put things on the list that I wanted Taz to have and I ALWAYS made sure those things happened even if he would have said he didn't need it any longer. The only thing I was never able to do for him was a trip to Monument Valley, his childhood dream, which was planned for spring 2019. I'm still quite bummed that I wasn't able to fulfill that dream of his.

So here I am in 2020 and things are dire once again economically and pretty much in every other way (for the whole world this time, not just me) and I'm finding that there are so many things that I want, either to do or to have once life gets a little more normal, so I've decided to revive the skint list just for myself. I'm going to use it as a motivation tool to go after what I really want and stop wasting time.

Please note how perfectly centered the picture is, I'm very proud of myself especially since I just eyeballed it.

Number one on my skint list is to find a way to return to Carmel. This is represented by my lovely painting of the The Tuck Box, my favorite restaurant anywhere in the world, which I hung today right under my DREAM letters.

Those DREAM letters came straight off a previous skint list. When we first moved here to Florida in 2016 we were as broke as broke could be. Neither of us had jobs, we had spent our last $ shipping a couple of boxes here with us but we were blessed in that we had a place to live because we'd owned this house for 16 years so at least we had a bed to lay our heads. I saw these letters in Target, they were from my favorite brand, Shabby Chic. As soon as Taz and I both had jobs and we had more than a couple of nickels to rub together, I bought them (luckily they had gone on sale by then!) and Taz put them up in our bedroom. I thought it was important that we remembered to keep dreaming.

Today I decided to hang a special painting on that wall. That painting means the world to me for several reasons. First of all it's of The Tuck Box which is my favorite place in the world. It's located on Dolores St. in Carmel and it's the first place I ever saw in Carmel when we visited in 1994. It looks like it's right out of a fairytale. Later I started researching the man who designed and built it in 1927 - Hugh Comstock - and telling his story to the world is kind of an obsession with me.

When we decided to move to Florida the first time, in 2006, we were moving because it's something Taz wanted to do. I was kind of bummed about leaving behind my beloved Carmel and so, as a surprise to me, Taz bought this painting and hid it in our moving truck. We did a UPack move which meant we loaded and unloaded the truck (a professional drove it) without any help. After our first sweaty, hard day of unloading the truck in Florida Taz said we could knock off for the day and I was more than ready. Then he said he forgot one thing and went rummaging around the truck. I was a little pissed, to tell you the truth, because I wanted to sit down. Then he came out of the back end of the truck holding a package and said it was for me. It was this beautiful painting of a place I loved and I just burst into tears...which probably wasn't exactly the reaction he was expecting. But I was overwhelmed with how much this man loved me and knew me so well. He knew I was missing Carmel and knew that this painting would mean so much to me and sustain me until I could get back there again. He had snuck into Carmel one afternoon and bought it from the cute little gift shop right in back of the Tuck Box and never even told me because he wanted it to be a surprise on our first day. He wasn't often romantic but sometimes he knew exactly the right thing to do. I'm not sure anything has ever meant more to me than this painting.

So this painting has been featured in our living room for the last 14 years but today I decided to bring it into my room (mostly because I didn't want anything to happen to it) and decided to hang it where I can see it every evening as I sit on my couch and sleep under it every night, because it represents the most important thing on my new skint list - to get back to Carmel.

First and foremost I want to make a visit back there. My little sister and I were supposed to go there the first week in May but, of course, that's not happening with all the virus crap going on. So I want to make it there as soon as it's safe to go. I'm just hoping my beloved Tuck Box will still be in business when this is all over with. I can't even contemplate anything different. I want to run to California and give it all a big hug. I will enjoy introducing my sister to this place I love so much. She has never been to California, never even been on a plane!

But beyond that, I think I want to find a way to live in Carmel (or the surrounding area) again. I don't know how but somehow I'm going to make that dream happen. At the very least I want to end up there even if I have to make a couple of interim moves (like maybe Virginia?) in the meantime. No matter what, I want to visit there at least once a year.

That's my big, long-term item, then my skint list is going to be filled with little things that would make me happy right now. I'd like to have more aprons. I love vintage designs, florals and ruffles. I enjoy wearing aprons when I cook, makes me feel very girly.

Which brings me to something else on my list - I want to start cooking again. I've always had this idea to make dishes from regional local cookbooks and blog about them, so first I need to collect some cookbooks from local antique places and then I need to cook. I have a couple of things I'd like to get for the kitchen. So much of my stuff here in Florida was old or it was Taz's so I'd like a few cute things for me like a Le Creuset  enamel covered cast iron dutch oven. Williams Sonoma has beautiful ones in Rose. I wouldn't have ever gotten Rose when it was Taz's kitchen but... We did have a Le Creuset that I loved (even though I was not fond of the color - orange - but Taz picked it out) but it's in that damned storage unit in California so I need a new one. Sur La Table, our favorite kitchen store in California, has an exclusive color called Provence which is an ombre purple/lavender so I'm adding a couple of the tiny Le Creuset in that color to my skint list too. Oh and I desperately want a Kitchen Aid stand mixer in a cool color like pink or turquoise or copper. I had a stand mixer but it's lost to me now and I really miss it. I would have shipped it here in 2016 but it was too heavy and would have cost too much to ship.

To round out the lovely pastel goodness that will be going on in my kitchen, I want to collect something called jadeite. It's a beautiful mint green milk glass that was used for all kinds of kitchenware and was very popular in the '30s and '40s; I've always loved it but never had any pieces. So, when things loosen up a little, I'm going to start a small collection because I like to look at pretty things. Speaking of pretty things, I want to collect some Fiestaware plates and bowls in my favorite pastels, not a lot but enough to enjoy at mealtime. I know I'm sounding like a broken record but Taz and I had some lovely Fiesta-style Disney plates that we loved so much we bought 2 sets. They were our main dinner plates but also looked so pretty on the table when we had company. I can't buy them again because they've been long discontinued but at least current Fiestaware would be reminiscent of them. Uh-oh, I just went on Ebay and found 4 dishes and a bowl in the Mickey pattern we used to have and they are PINK! I don't even remember it coming in a pink color. Well crap, I'm afraid to put it on the skint list because it might not be available by the time I can purchase them. If only my damned stimulus check would show up...who needs food or electricity anyway? LOL

You're probably wondering where I'm going to display all of this loveliness - I'm going to reclaim a corner of my kitchen for me and put up some shelves so all of these pretty things can be displayed out in the open. Yes, you read that right. *I'm* going to put up shelves. I can be very handy when I want to. Not that I've ever actually put up shelves all by myself but I have a cordless drill and I'm not afraid to use it.

Ok, I'm a little afraid of it but I'll get over it. ;-)

For right now, that's all I can really think of. I don't need a bunch of things, I just want a few distractions, a few pretties and a plan for the future.

I think it's important to keep our dreams alive in this time of uncertainty.

what if?

how are you all holding up? this is such a weird time for all of us, right?

i can't help but wonder what taz would think of all this. a friend of mine lost her husband almost 11 years ago and we've spent quite a bit of time talking about how we think isolation would have been going if our husbands were with us. she's alone at her house, not even a dog friend, and i know she's feeling lonely and at loose ends most of the time. she also is an essential worker and they are on a one week in the office and one week at home rotation so she has almost too much social interaction sometimes because her job requires contact with the public.

this whole time is bringing up all sorts of emotions more and more each day. i was driving home from work yesterday thinking about totally untazzy things and then BAM suddenly i was hit with a wall of grief and longing so strong that i almost had to pull over on the side of the highway to cry.

i think the first couple of weeks with taz would have been awesome with all the cooking and talking and swimming but probably about now he would have been dealing with job issues, possible lay-offs and money problems so things probably wouldn't be quite so cozy; they'd probably be a little tense. i need to keep remembering that we were real people with real problems and personality quirks and not romanticize everything. however, i'd rather be in isolation with taz than without him, no matter what we were going through. and that's the absolute honest truth. being without him through all of this sucks.

free-ish

last week i had to work from home because my house was under self-quarantine while we waited for some test results (not mine) but friday morning we got the news that we were free to go back in the world again...except for the fact that the whole state is still on lockdown and there's nowhere to go anyway.

luckily (?) i'm considered an essential worker so the minute i got the news, i was dressed and out the door heading to the office.

which is weird in and of itself because i've always longed to be able to stay home all day and have been blessed enough to do that at various times in my life and loved it, but times change and being home isn't my first choice these days so charlie and i enjoyed a lovely friday afternoon at the office.

after 2 weekend days at home (even though we had a very nice Easter,) we were both more than ready to head back in to the office again today. originally when the lockdown order came through i was working 2 days at home and 3 days at the office but this week i think i'll do all 5 days at the office. while i *can* work from home, i waste a lot of time trying to get the technology to work or set up workarounds so i get more done if i'm at the office.

but even more than that, there's something so nice about doing something normal. being at home with 5 other people is not normal at all. even when it's fun, it's just not normal...and it's not always fun. my "social" limit is full and overflowing and my inner introvert sometimes just wants to huddle in a corner and sob.

and yet, there's another part of me that is craving human contact and touch. i'd like to go out to dinner with a friend, go shopping, go to a movie, go bowling (yikes, i haven't done that in years and i'm not that good at it but it's always fun) go to disney, go to the beach, go to a museum, go sailing (ok, i've never sailed before but i know a few people that do and their pictures always look like so much fun and i do love to be out on the water) go hiking, go hang-gliding, go bungee jumping. ok, now i'm just being silly but i really am craving something.

i'm so afraid i'm wasting the precious years i have left on the earth, like i should be out there forming new relationships and i can't right now and it's driving me a little bit crazy. 

remember i went to the nerdy movie club meeting just a month ago? i was so excited about it, so looking forward to getting to know everybody and discover some fun new movies and now it's over. who knows if the restaurant will still exist when we're all let back out again? who knows if any of the people will still want to meet? what if something happens to some of them and i never even got a chance to know them?

to end this on a less plaintive and rather amusing note, dd has reappeared and we're continuing our history nerd friendship. we have a lot of interests in common, things that most normal people wouldn't even care about so it's fun to exchange ideas. out of curiosity i googled him and found out that he's significantly younger than i am. significantly. but i've gone back and looked at the pictures of us together and i don't think anybody could tell so at least i don't look like the sad, desperate little cougar that i apparently am. even if anything were to develop (which is probably unlikely anyway) it wouldn't be a forever thing but hey, i've never had a fling in my life so maybe it's time for a new experience!

well, once we're allowed to cross state borders and get closer than 6 feet from each other again. 

dreaming

i keep dreaming about taz.

i had a dream last week that he came back and i was surprised but not shocked. i just kept kissing him and stuff and was just so thrilled that we were getting a second chance to be together. he laughed a lot and had the same mischievous smile.

last night i dreamed about him again. this time i felt the need to tell him that he'd been gone because he didn't seem to know it. he resisted the idea at first but i kept telling him the story of what happened that november and then he started remembering being in heaven and said god had told him he needed to come back to help me.

and that right there is why i think i keep having these dreams - deep down in the place where i don't even let my thoughts go, i think that i'm still hoping taz will come back and save me. and, of course, i haven't disconnected from reality, i know that's never going to happen. he's not coming back to save me, no one is coming to save me (acknowledging that i've certainly gotten help from friends and family along the way,) no one is going to save me except myself.

so my subconscious hates this idea and is trying to make it better in my dreams. i appreciate the effort; i enjoy getting to spend time with taz even if it's while i'm asleep. it's a little disappointing to wake up and discover it didn't really happen because it feels so real in the dream and my dreams usually aren't vivid at all. i normally forget my dreams the moment i wake up but i always remember the taz ones.

a facebook friend recently posted that this is the time to break out of old routines that weren't serving us and there's a lot of truth in that. whatever routines i've set up for myself this past year and a half definitely aren't serving me so i know i have to figure out something new when we come out on the other end of this. 

i'll be the first to admit i really don't know what that means or what the future looks like but i can't hang around in limbo.

i wonder if my dreams of taz will stop at some point, maybe when i'm feeling more self sufficient? i hope not, i enjoy his company.

i'm back!

did you miss me? did you even notice that i took a little blogging break until i was in a better head space?

if you're reading this, please leave a comment so that i know if it's even worth it for me to continue putting my feelings out there into the world.

i've been working from home mostly especially this week while my housemate awaits her test results.

being in quarantine with 5 other people is interesting. i know that i would be very lonely and bored if i were dealing with this all by myself and i would feel isolated from the world, however having other people always around, no down time just for me and having to navigate the treacherous waters of different personalities is exhausting and overwhelming. if i allow myself to think about any of this too much, i start to panic so i just try to focus on each moment, watching a lot of tv. i binge watched cooking shows for the entire weekend which made me want to cook if only i had room in the refrigerator for my own ingredients and could find any of my own pots and pans. i've also done a few little de-cluttering projects here and there although they are not nearly as fun as watching tv but they are satisfying. i love going for long, long, long walks with charlie when we can sneak off on our own.

here are some scenes from quarantine