dreaming

i keep dreaming about taz.

i had a dream last week that he came back and i was surprised but not shocked. i just kept kissing him and stuff and was just so thrilled that we were getting a second chance to be together. he laughed a lot and had the same mischievous smile.

last night i dreamed about him again. this time i felt the need to tell him that he'd been gone because he didn't seem to know it. he resisted the idea at first but i kept telling him the story of what happened that november and then he started remembering being in heaven and said god had told him he needed to come back to help me.

and that right there is why i think i keep having these dreams - deep down in the place where i don't even let my thoughts go, i think that i'm still hoping taz will come back and save me. and, of course, i haven't disconnected from reality, i know that's never going to happen. he's not coming back to save me, no one is coming to save me (acknowledging that i've certainly gotten help from friends and family along the way,) no one is going to save me except myself.

so my subconscious hates this idea and is trying to make it better in my dreams. i appreciate the effort; i enjoy getting to spend time with taz even if it's while i'm asleep. it's a little disappointing to wake up and discover it didn't really happen because it feels so real in the dream and my dreams usually aren't vivid at all. i normally forget my dreams the moment i wake up but i always remember the taz ones.

a facebook friend recently posted that this is the time to break out of old routines that weren't serving us and there's a lot of truth in that. whatever routines i've set up for myself this past year and a half definitely aren't serving me so i know i have to figure out something new when we come out on the other end of this. 

i'll be the first to admit i really don't know what that means or what the future looks like but i can't hang around in limbo.

i wonder if my dreams of taz will stop at some point, maybe when i'm feeling more self sufficient? i hope not, i enjoy his company.