Saturday, July 23, 2011

It won't hurt so much always, Anne.
The thought that it may stop hurting sometimes hurts me worse than all else, Marilla.
And that's where I am right now.  Saying goodbye to Jasper has left a hole inside my soul and left me feeling a little (ok, maybe a lot) lost.  Because he was a big part of each day for the last 15 1/2 years, his loss hurts more than any loss I've experienced thus far.  He was not my "dog", he was my child.  I raised him from a tiny baby to an experienced "man" of the world.  I helped him learn right from wrong.  I spent many sleepless nights worrying about him.  I cleaned up after him, nurtured him, laughed with him and shed a few tears over the years.  He made me feel like something I'd never been before - a mom.

So yeah, it hurts.

And yet, like Anne of Green Gables, the thought that one day it won't hurt so much anymore makes me sad.  I know it'll happen but it somehow seems like a betrayal, like I will be forgetting him and happily going on with my life.

Logically I know that I'll never forget Jasper and that it's natural to go on with my life without him.  I'm not really one to wallow around in misery and self-pity so it's not likely that I'd want to be sad for too long anyway but I'm just not there yet.  I'm going to let myself feel what I'm feeling for as long as I need to.  I'm still lost but eventually I'll stumble back onto the right path.  I'm sure of it.

1 comment:

  1. Don't worry, Jonni, you'll still feel that emptiness no matter how many years go by. Even though Reilly is now my child and I love him more than ever, I still feel that hole in my heart for King, my first golden who died in 1996. I truly don't think we ever get over these things, we just accept them as the tragedy they are. The only comfort I find is that God must allow dogs to live only a few years in order for us to enrich so many dogs' lives in our lifetime. Jasper lives on and so will your sadness for missing him.
    Hugs and love,


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