broken

Charlie is home!

And I'm so grateful that she is...BUT

I feel totally broken.

I'm angry that it even happened. I know that's the wrong attitude and I am working on it but WTF?

How could the one thing that is keeping me grounded be almost taken away from me? What sense does that make in the universe? What have I done in my life that was so wrong that I'm being punished like this?

Something inside of me has broken. It's brought back all the FEAR and vulnerability that I had back in December.

I only have 2 things left of my life with Mr. T - my house and my Charlie and both of them are being threatened and I just can't get past this right now. Maybe with time I will put this in perspective but not right now. It's smashed any confidence I had in the future into a million pieces.

So Charlie has epilepsy (most likely) and she's on daily anti-seizure medicine for the rest of her life. That part I can live with, I grew up with an epileptic dog, but Charlie's seizures have left her with some damage - she has weak back legs and falls down while walking sometimes. She also has tremors as if she had Parkinsons but I'm hoping they are more a side effect of the medicine that will go away with time. They are already lessened from when I brought her home on Thursday night.

What makes me the most sad is that Charlie's spirits are down and that's not like her at all. Again, I hope this is a side effect of the medicine that will change in time but her depression is not helping with mine.

They had to shave Charlie's legs to put in the IV. They also shaved her butt because all the treatments messed with her system and gave her diarrhea. Earlier today I was telling her that she got a FREE grooming but then I remembered the vet bill that was as large as my mortgage payment so I realized that grooming was nowhere near free. That was a grooming that came with a big, horrible price.

I wish I didn't have to worry about money but the fact is I didn't have that much in savings so this trip to the emergency vet has put me one month closer to homelessness and I don't understand why that had to happen either.

One thing I do know, I'm done going to those Meetup things, trying to meet new people. I'm done trying new things, done going on solo adventures. What was the point of all that? I think I was trying too hard to prove to myself that "I've got this" and I don't "got this" so I'm done. 

And, of course, the biggest thing was having to go through this alone, without Mr. T by my side as he's always been. The horrible drive to the vet clinic with Charlie having a seizure the whole 40 minute drive, having to go back all alone the next night and see her looking so sad, watching her every minute of every day afraid she'll have another seizure and knowing that I'll have to deal with that without Mr. T.  It's hard enough to be alone through the good times, it's devastating to do it through the bad times.

I know I'll bounce back eventually, I always do, but I'm going to stop pushing myself to be "all right" and just let myself feel whatever I'm feeling even if it means doing nothing but sitting on the couch for the next year.

Of course I'm grateful for my friends. I texted 2 friends while I was waiting at the emergency vet clinic and they were right there texting me and keeping me calm while I was waiting to hear if Charlie was going to be ok and that made the situation slightly less terrible. I know they wish they could do something to help but there's nothing anybody can do to change any of this.

It's just something I've got to get through on my own.

And I will...just not today.