musings

In the beginning you cling to every little thing, each one becoming almost infinitely important in your mind.

the last email

the last caller id with his name on it

the pictures of the last fun day you spent together

a video you didn't know existed until a friend sends it to you

pictures, so many pictures

wearing jewelry that has sentimental value

the niggling little thought that's almost too far away to grasp that if you do everything just right,

if you're good and strong and brave,

if you turn left instead of right,

if you look up instead of down,

that somehow you'll hit on the right combination of things and you'll finally, finally, finally wake up and you'll see him smiling down at you,

telling you that  he's taken so many pictures of you sleeping  with your mouth open and that you drool,

and he gives you that mischievous little grin,

and you laugh,

but then the moment slips away without you figuring out how to bring it back and make it happen,

and you realize that no matter how many pictures you look at, or how many times you scroll to that caller id,

or no matter what jewelry you wear,

it's never going to happen,

he's never, ever, ever coming back.