truth

Since I really don't think anybody is reading this damn blog, I'm going to be very honest right now.

I want to die.

Now don't worry and there's no need to call emergency services to intervene and perform a wellness check. I am NOT about to harm myself, that's never going to be a problem.

But the honest truth is that I really don't want to be here. The idea of years and years of this just makes me want to...heck, I don't even know what it makes me want to do. It makes me want to cease to exist, I guess.

In a way, I feel like I've already ceased to exist. I feel useless, like an invisible nobody. I feel like I have no purpose, just someone taking up space, wasting oxygen.

I was watching a movie this weekend and one of the main characters made a vision board to see what she really wanted out of life. It made me realize that, for the first time in my life, I have no clue what I want out of the future. I have no plans, no hopes, no dreams, no projects, no little obsessions. 

I guess I'm fully entering the depression phase of grieving and it really sucks.

I do realize that I didn't have the best of weekends so that might be adding to this feeling but it's not the first time I've felt this way. I've been feeling this way for the past 5 months (yes it's been 5 months) and I've tried to distract myself with weekend plans and mostly it's worked. When I'm out doing something, either by myself or with friends, I don't feel hopeless about the future. I don't feel anything about the future, I'm just living in the moment. But when I'm at home, the moment is sad and kinda boring so living in it isn't a help. But I don't think constant distraction is healthy either. Oh bother.

Of course, I know I could distract myself at home by cleaning up rooms, going through and throwing things out, in general getting ready for whatever is to come regarding the house. But doing that just makes me very, very sad so I don't think that's a good idea right now. I've decided not to worry about all that stuff until after Mr. T's birthday next month.

And yes, getting through his birthday next month is going to be hard. He never made a big deal about birthdays but I always did. I practically made May 19th a national holiday. I can't decide whether I should distract myself that whole weekend or just crawl into bed with the covers over my head until it's over.

Until then, here I am wanting to die. It's not like I don't have friends and I know they care about me but it's just not the same as having that one person that you have an eternal connection with. I have friends who have been single their whole lives and maybe they'd roll their eyes at me because they don't have that one person either but I can't help but feel that it's different never having that connection versus having had that connection for decades and then suddenly it's all over without warning.

Hopefully I'll look back at this blog months/years from now and think I'm being overdramatic right now. Who knows. I'm too emotionally hollow to even care.

It's not like I'm morose every moment of the day. At least once a day my niece (who is like a little sister to me) and I exchange snapchat photos to make each other laugh. I'll share one with you.