thinking about it

First of all - Charlie update!

She's doing really well. Her energy is up, she's not hyper/anxious anymore, she's my feisty girl again. Her back legs are much better, not completely strong but so much better than it was over the weekend.

 

 For the last 2 days I've taken Charlie to work with me to keep an eye on her in case the seizures come back. Well, at least that's the excuse I use. Truthfully I have her with me because I can't stand to have her out of my sight and I'm getting more out of it than she is. I love having her there, it makes me calm. And, I've now driven to work 2 days in a row without crying - that's a record! It's a long drive which leaves a lot of time to think.

Which brings me to what I've been thinking about lately - 

sex

Bet that got your attention. ;-)

Did it make you uncomfortable? It sure makes me uncomfortable and yet it's something I need to talk about. It's a big topic in my widow groups. I think a lot of people think grief is so big that it crowds out normal human emotions. Just the opposite, I think, it intensifies all emotions - the good, bad and the lustful. You miss everything about your old life especially the physical intimacy. 

I think, going through all of the trauma of Charlie's health crisis has brought some of that up for me. It felt awful to be alone during all that, which made me miss the emotional intimacy of sharing the good and the bad with someone and then that leads to thinking about physical intimacy. Don't moments of crisis make you long to really connect with someone? It's like, if everything else is going wrong at least that one thing is going right.

Not that anything is going to change in that department for me. I certainly don't have the emotional strength for a relationship at this point. I can't even imagine having the strength for a new friendship, I'm not able to give even that to anyone right now. As one of the widows I read about said "I want someone to kill spiders in my house and I want intimacy but I want you to want nothing of me. I want you to love me while I give you nothing."

I suppose for some people the alternative would be a one night stand. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not for me, I'm blushing even as I write this. Let's face it, I was a good girl before I met Mr. T. I mean, I was a VERY good girl. As much as I sometimes, over the years, regretted that I wasn't more experimental before I got married, I very much suspect that deep down I'm still a VERY good girl and nothing is going to change that. In this brave new world of sexting and booty calls, I'm a dinosaur...a VERY good dinosaur.

So all of that leaves me pretty much screwed (or actually not screwed LOL) so I guess I'm doomed to just be "thinking about it" for the rest of my life.