i'm no inspiration

"Part of the challenge of living according to other people’s expectations is that they are subject to change without notice. I was too sad for some people; I was not sad enough for other people. Somebody could catch you on a day when you are truly struggling, and they really don’t want to see that. They want to be able to give the world the report that, “She’s doing great. Wow. What an inspiration.”

Today is a bad day. I guess I'm too sad for at least one person. My mother, who has never been a very supportive person in my whole life, told me that it was time for me to move on with my life and to stop being sad. This was right after I told her that, because of Charlie's presence with me at work all week, I had been able to drive to work without crying for the first time in 5 months.

 It made me mad when she said it but after getting home and thinking about it, I can't stop crying. I guess all that crying I didn't do this past week has built up and has to come out somehow.

I don't want to be an inspiration to anyone either. I think I put on a good front when I'm in public but I know how well, or not well, I'm handling all this. I've noticed I'm taking more naps. I get home from work or from going out with friends and it's like I've used up all the energy that I have.

Of course the nap thing could also be because I have to keep the temperature in my house so high because I can't afford air conditioning. LOL It's been really hot here in Florida. I hate to think of the summer weather coming back so soon.

I miss the way I used to feel. I don't know how to get back to that girl and I know that I just have to walk my way through this, that there are no shortcuts but, oh how I wish there were.

And just because I hate ending things on a down note, here is a picture of how I looked taking Charlie out at 6 this morning. I put my shoes on in the dark because I didn't want to wake up too much so that I could go back to sleep. I laughed when I looked down at my feet under the streetlight. Luckily nobody else was stupid enough to be out at that hour.