truth

Day Two

Day 2 is in the bag - the first weekend of isolation is over and it's back to work tomorrow.

Today wasn't as much fun as yesterday, no swimming, but overall it wasn't a bad day.

I finished putting up pictures in my bathroom and above my couch. The pictures in the bathroom are Taz's pictures that he had up in his office. Each one is a special memory of a trip or an outing. I love being surrounded by them.

I also put up a board with favorite pictures of Taz and my sister along with the last email Taz ever sent me.

After putting up the pictures I cleaned out some drawers and started on my side of the closet. I found a bunch of things that I'm never going to need again.

I really don't like going through drawers, I'm always running across things that make me sad.

So I made myself some cheese fries out of the leftovers from last night's dinner and settled in to spend the rest of the day watching Hallmark movies because I needed a few happy endings.

The truth is, this isolation thing isn't all that different from my normal routines. The only real difference between now and most of last year is that I spend time in my room rather than the living room. That kind of makes me sad but it's just the way it is.

I finished out the day by watching the last Hobbit movie with the roomies. They had watched the other two earlier in the week, always watching in their TV room which doesn't have room for me and, quite frankly, I've never been invited in there. But today, after taking my shower, I came out of my room to find them all watching tonight's movie in the living room so I decided to join them - the kids seemed pretty happy about that. It was nice but it's not my life. I want my own life, not to always be trying to twist myself in knots to fit into theirs. I can't explain it correctly, I just know that I can't let myself get absorbed into the way they do things, I have to keep living the life that *I* want to live, on my own terms.

Quite frankly, going back to work will be a relief.

Day One

Day 1 of weekend isolation is almost over and I seem to have survived!

After a very lazy morning of watching Hallmark movies, I finally made it out to the pool. I was so tricksy about it, I waited until the kids and their parents set off on an outdoor walk around the neighborhood and then I threw on my swimsuit and sprinted out to the pool. The water was pretty cold (last Sunday's heat has long since worn off) but it was heaven to float around by myself. 

Then I sat on the lounger and took a few selfies, as one does when they have a moment of bliss, and was just getting ready to crack open my book when BAM, the door opened and guess what? They were back.

Of course the kids wanted to cool off in the pool but at least this time a parent asked if it was ok and came out to enjoy the water too so I was still able to read and enjoy the happy sounds coming from the water. My book is getting good and there has already been an unexpected twist that I should have seen coming. Best part, the library is closed due to C19 so I can keep the book out as long as I want with no fines!

I certainly enjoyed the afternoon more than the cat who refuses to come outside when there is splashing going on. She usually loves being out in the back, she's quite the lizard hunter but she chose to watch from inside the kitchen today.

And now I'm back in my room where I'm slowly putting up some pictures (I'll tell you about that tomorrow) and waiting for dinner to arrive. I have no food in the house (I guess I'll have to brave the grocery store tomorrow) so I decided to treat myself and order delivery since so many restaurants are offering that for free now.

The food came! I had only had a pop tart and half a tuna sub to eat all day so I was hungry when I ordered. I waited out in the front of the house so that I could get the food without anybody knowing or asking me to share. And it worked, I snuck it all into my bedroom without being caught (I kinda sound like a teenager, don't I?) and was just about to dig in when I realized there was a cat in my room and it was the cat that's scared of Charlie. It didn't help that Charlie is territorial about food (my food especially) and decided to chase the poor cat. At least she chased him out of the room so that I could eat.

I ordered a bacon guacamole burger because my housemates don't eat red meat so I don't keep hamburger in the house and it had been way too long since I'd had one. And ohmygosh, it was amazing! It was seriously better than sex, each bite a sensuous experience. Once I finished eating I was so satiated that I rolled over and took a nap. Hell, if I could teach the delivery bag to cuddle, I wouldn't need to find a boyfriend.

And now it's time for an evening of watching Hallmark movies about poor needy women who haven't figured out that food delivery men are the ones they really need.

On to day 2!

our new normal

Just checking in from the front lines. LOL

Not much has changed, my office is still open but only 2 of us are actually here. We have offices on opposite ends so we're very socially distant from each other but it's really nice to be able to talk to another person. She's technically my boss but she's also my friend and I appreciate her so much. Yesterday I had been crying in my office and she came in later and saw my crumpled up tissues so I assured her I had only been crying and that I wasn't sick and we had a nice laugh about that. I appreciate the fact that she doesn't judge me when the world gets to be a little too much and I need to release the stress somehow.

Last night I ordered pizza at work after my boss left so Charlie and I had a pizza party and watched TV until it was time to drive home. I am finding that I really enjoy hanging out here by myself. I am stocking the refrigerator with lots of food so that I can pretty much eat all 3 meals here at the office. Last night's pizza is being frozen so that I can have it next week.

Of course there is a weekend coming up and I'm not sure what I'll do then because I have precious little refrigerator space in the house. I think there are some canned goods left over from Taz so I'll probably heat them up and then retire to my room or the pool. 

For so long I've escaped to the world to get away from the house, it's going to be kind of difficult to be stuck in that environment all the time but I just read an announcement that Hallmark was planning on having a Christmas movie marathon this weekend so maybe I'll just park on the couch in my room and watch movies until Monday when it's time to go back to work.

That's not pathetic at all.

companionship

Here I am, still at work, even as so many in the country are on virtual lockdown. I realize that I am lucky to still have a job and can continue with it as normal. Others in my organization are not able to do their jobs as it requires contact with the public. 

I have worked hard these past 2 days to get set up to be able to do my job from home if that's required but I desperately do not want to have to stay home because I don't like it there and I feel unwanted and out of place.

It's funny, I was just thinking that if Taz was still alive then I would be begging to be able to stay home. It would have been so cozy, the two of us working away separately in our offices and then coming together for lunch and a little TV time in the middle of the day. I know that's what would have happened because he used to work from home most of the time and that's how he structured his day.

I found a ton of these selfie pictures when I looked at his phone camera. He used to hang out with Charlie at lunch, take pictures and watch ID crime shows on TV and then go back to work in his office.

We used to have a camera thing set up so that I could watch Charlie during the day, which turned out to be pretty boring because all she ever did was sleep when she was alone, and sometimes he would forget to turn it off when he was working from home. Every once in a while I would tune in from my work and watch the two of them eat lunch, Taz sitting on the floor next to the coffee table, watching TV and feeding Charlie little tidbits of whatever he was having.

It made me happy to see the two of them but sad that I couldn't join in as well.

So I know that's what life would be like right now if only...but that's not my reality.

Right now I try to spend as much time away from home as possible because I feel so out of place at my house. Even though it is filled with people, I feel isolated, lonely and alone.

I so miss companionship. I miss having a partner to share the good and the bad with. There are so many things happening right now that I would like to talk over with Taz. He would have had strong opinions, he probably would have been frustrated and scared, but the two of us together could have overcome anything. I know this for a fact because we have been doing it for years now. We always said, even if everything went to hell, we could always start over as long as we were together.

And now, we're not together. Oh yes, everybody keeps saying that he's in my heart. Big fucking deal. It's not the same as having him actually here. It's not that comforting because it's just a fairy tale that I tell myself. I mean, that's the reality, isn't it? It's something that we say to make ourselves feel better but for all practical purposes, it's not true.

Having Taz here wouldn't change the reality of the situation but it would change my perception and that would be everything right now.

And people may say that they're here for me and I can call them anytime, blah, blah, blah, but it's not the same...it never will be the same. Everybody has their own set of problems right now and no one is a substitute for having my own person with me, holding me, letting me cry, letting me comfort them, fixing meals for each other, watching movies together, discussing the news, telling stupid jokes to make each other laugh, enjoying family time which is what we loved most of all.

I've talked about missing sex (I still do) and missing talking (I still do) but what I miss the most is having someone who cares about me more than anything in the world, having that companion. I feel that loss more than any other during this time of uncertainty.

And I actually find that I miss my mother and I worry about how she is dealing with this. I have no contact with her because she can't talk on the phone these days. So last night when I got an email from her nursing home that they were willing to set up garden visits with the residents, I jumped at it. On specific afternoons they will wheel residents out to the garden and their loved ones can set up a 15 minute visit while maintaining a 6 ft. distance. I jumped at that even though the visit occurs during my work day. I immediately emailed and said I wanted to schedule a visit for as soon as possible. The director emailed back last night and said she'd check with my mother for a day that was convenient for her schedule which was pretty funny since all my mother does each day is get up and sit in a chair so I'm pretty sure her schedule will accommodate me. LOL But I'm thrilled to get a chance to see  her and let her see me. If she's watching any news (which she always has before, she loved politics) then I'm sure she's worried about me. I definitely don't want her to feel like she's been abandoned and I don't want her to deteriorate so far during the time that she won't remember me when I'm finally allowed to visit her again. That would be such a tragedy.

It's funny, before this I was trying to keep my visits down to just once a month and right now I'm willing to work extra hours so that I can drive down and have 15 minutes every week. But she's family and I'm a little short of that right now. My closest family, other than her, are 7 hours away by car and they've got their own families to worry about. I think I'm feeling a little abandoned.

When this is all over (and I'm going to continue to think that it will be one day and things will go back to "normal") I'm going to pursue companionship with a vengeance. I don't want to live my life alone. I can never get back what I had but maybe I can get some of it back in a new form. 

Of course, I've been looking for it all along and NOBODY out there is interested but maybe, if I search under every rock, I'll find it again one day. 

I'm pretty lovable, truly I am.

Kungaloosh 2020

Yesterday was my 3rd Adventureland Day experience and, by far, the best.

You might remember my first Adventureland Day which was so much fun and I was blessed to have my clan join in with me because I didn't want to go alone.

And then there was my 2nd visit - the Lost Safari which, although still enjoyable, was not as much fun. I had hoped to meet new friends but that didn't happen.

But this time, it was perfect.

We received directions from our fearless leader.

In between instructions there was a little comedy to keep everybody happy. This whole group is into role playing, they have created fictional characters - 1930s explorers who are really funny.

We were split into 3 groups because the event has grown so large that Disney World has requested we find a way to limit the impact to the tourists. I was there with my roommate and her youngest daughter for the decoding activity. 

We found all the appropriate people and were able to decode our message "no news from the Nile" quickly enough to win a prize.

 Then my roommate and her daughter left to go get lunch out of the park and I was left by myself which was perfectly ok this time because I really wanted a chance to meet some people.

And it actually started to happen - I was walking to the Jungle Cruise, our first group ride, and a woman stopped me to ask where we were meeting for that. We started talking and I found out she had traveled to the event from South Carolina. We got separated though when they asked for a single rider to fill up the first boat and I went ahead.

I'm glad I did go on the first boat because we had a phenomenal skipper. Jungle Cruise is one of those rides you either love or hate. I LOVE the corny jokes but often when you ride you find that you're laughing by yourself and most people are groaning. Not on a boat full of Adventurelanders, however. We cheered on Skipper Brody so that he felt confident to try out new, cornier jokes along the way. By the time we made it back to the docks we were chanting BRODY, BRODY, BRODY. It was awesome, a ride I'll never forget.

At the end of the ride we were met at the dock by other skippers who handed out these cards to us. I've ridden this ride many times and never been made a Guest Skipper before.

Then it was time for the group sing-along at the world famous Tiki Room! I got in line and decided it was a great time for a selfie. See that guy photobombing in the background? At the time I took the picture I had not spoken to him but that changed while we stood there and waited. We started talking and it turned out he was from South Carolina too...and not only that, he was the brother of the woman I'd met earlier. She wasn't anywhere around at this point, she was busy doing her own thing. As we conversed we learned that we shared a love of all things vintage, especially luggage labels, ocean liners, vintage aircraft and traveling to historic sites. We sat together in the sing-along and he sang along, with gusto. He didn't think he was too cool or sit there all grumpy the way I've seen some men do.

So when we left the Tiki Room he asked if I had Facebook because he wanted to send me pictures of his luggage label collection (the modern equivalent of asking a girl up to your room to see your etchings? Nah) but before we could exchange our information his sister came up to get him for their lunch reservations. I turned away for a second to look at something on my phone and when I turned back, they were both gone.

To say that I was bummed was an understatement; I felt like I'd just missed out on an opportunity.

I was staaaaaaarrrrrving by this time so I decided to go back to the Polynesian hotel and get some pork nachos. Unfortunately the boat system was seriously overwhelmed at that moment so I had to stand in line for over an hour but finally I was back at the Poly, nachos in hand. I enjoyed the quiet time and contemplated what I wanted to do next.

The final event of the day was a casual meetup at the tiki bar in the hotel - Trader Sam's Grog Grotto. This was a special place for Taz and I and I had hoped that one day we could have an anniversary party there so I wasn't sure I wanted to go there by myself but I was still hoping to make friends so I definitely wanted to stay for the event.

While I was waiting for the event to start I sat on a padded bench in the lobby, kind of an out of the way spot and very comfortable. I was staring at my phone, trying to pick pictures for my Facebook post when I heard someone stop right in front of me and say Kungaloosh (the traditional greeting of Adventurelanders) and OMG, it was the guy from the Tiki Room...and his sister. They both seemed happy to see me and immediately suggested that we hang out at Trader Sam's together.

So for the next 2 hours we sat around enjoying the atmosphere and a couple of drinks and found out a little more about each other. It was exactly how I'd hoped Adventureland Day would go. I wasn't alone, I was part of a little group. BB, the sister, was kind of acting as DD's wingman, taking some pictures of he and I together and asking questions that would highlight all that we had in common. It was cute. And it wasn't just that, Trader Sam's is a social kind of place. You can't help but start talking to the people at the tables around you. Even though Taz was a fairly anti-social person, he always entered into the spirit of the place and even encouraged people to share our table. DD was the same way, talking to the other Adventurelanders that were there, finding out about their experiences that day.

I don't know what will happen in the future. I feel like I've seen this movie before and unless there's some big plot twist it will go like this - boy meets girl, boy shows interest in girl, boy and girl (and boy's sister) have a fun time, boy and girl exchange contact info, boy says goodbye promising to be in touch soon, girl never hears from boy again. Sigh, I'm really tired of this movie.

So I'm not expecting anything, I'm happy that I had such a fun time at Adventureland Day and that, for a few hours, I didn't feel so alone. And at least I've walked away with this cool Tiki mug! It's the start of my new collection.

nerdy

I have found my people!

Last night I went to my first meeting of the Nerdy Movie Club and loved it. Ok, that's not its official name, that's just what I call it in my head. 

It's another one of those Meetup groups - this one meets once a month at a Chinese restaurant to eat dinner and watch a couple of DVDs - a British TV show and then a movie of the leader's choosing. Last night it was a show called New Tricks which I loved and then a '70s movie called The Wanderers which I would probably never want to watch again (a little too gritty for me) but I got caught up in the story and thoroughly enjoyed myself. The soundtrack for the movie was amazing, so many good 60s songs because it was set in 1963.

And, wonder of wonders, the food was really good. I have long complained about the lack of good Chinese food here in Florida and while the orange beef didn't taste like any I'd ever had before (it wasn't deep fried) it was quite delicious and I'd happily order it again.

It was the perfect kind of outing for me, very little awkward small talk. We just ordered our food then sat there in the dark eating it while we watched the shows.

As I've mentioned a time or two (or a hundred) before, I've been going to these groups to meet new people because I don't want to sit around the house feeling sorry for myself and I would love to make some friends. But trying to make new friends has been more of a challenge than I ever realized it would.

I've been to events where no one talked to me. On the other hand, I've had more than one occasion where men have talked to me quite a bit and exchanged contact information with me, going so far as to take my phone and put their contact information in themselves but then never contact me or they do contact me once but then they disappear when I respond. That is beyond annoying.

I met up with a potential woman friend once for lunch and theater and we both had a good time but when we said goodbye I knew I'd probably never hear from her again and that was ok because I wasn't interested in being friends with her either. Sometimes you just don't click.

You may remember that I had dinner with one of Taz's friends when I was in Virginia last year. Although we had known each other for years we never really spent much time together so I was worried the dinner might be awkward (because I can be awkward when I feel shy) but it wasn't, quite the opposite in fact. We talked and laughed for hours and I walked away thinking that I had finally made a new friend but, although unfailingly polite, he has made it abundantly clear that he isn't interested in further communication. I would say that it's his loss but I'm pretty sure that I'm the loser.

So that's why nerdy movie club is so perfect for me - I didn't go there looking for new friends, I just wanted to watch a movie. No expectations, no disappointments. Unlike a book club where you have to discuss the book, we just watched and ate. I don't feel exposed and vulnerable, I don't even care if these people like me. All I care is that they don't talk too much during the movie. I love watching TV and movies and I like to eat so it's pretty much a match made in heaven.

And the waiters are all pretty good looking too so that's just a nice bonus!

The only down side is that the GPS took me home through a very not nice part of town and I was a little scared. It would be ok if I could have driven quickly through this part but there was a lot of traffic so I was stopped frequently next to threatening looking people on the streets. I could hear Taz in my head and he was NOT very happy that I was out roaming the scary streets after dark. Yeah buddy, I wasn't too happy about it either. I'm going to have to have a talk with the GPS so that we can figure out another way home next time.

Because there will definitely be a next time - I'm a nerdy movie club girl for life!

endless possibilities

I went to my counseling appointment yesterday and it was good. She's more like a life coach, we didn't explore any hidden feelings or revisit my childhood, we just focused on the things overwhelming me right now and explored strategies. 

It was especially nice to be able to talk to someone that just let me cry and get on with what I was saying. Most people don't do that, the crying makes them so uncomfortable that they apologize for making me sad (as if it were something they said) and rush to change the subject and that's not what I need.

And it's not like I sob uncontrollably. I cry a little and then I pull it together and go right on talking. 

We talked a lot about what the possibilities for my new life could be. It's nothing new, I'd come to the same conclusion on my own but I now know that the likelihood of me selling the house is high. Not that I want to, I had planned to live in that house for the rest of my life but I had planned to live there with Taz and now that that's not a possibility I have to rethink what I want to do with the rest of my life.

So my homework this week is to think of 2 or 3 places I might want to live which is perfect because I'd already planned to do a blog post about that very thing. The whole world is open to me so I really don't think I'd stay in Orlando if I decided to sell the house. Really, the only thing I actually like about Orlando is my house and pool. Without them, there's no reason to stay.

But where would I go? Here are 3 possibilities:

1. California - The happiest time in my life was the 18 years we spent in California. I loved the area we lived, I loved the jobs I had because I was working in the history field and planning small events. I told the coach that I had a trip planned back there for May to attend an event I used to coordinate. She jumped on that and said it was a good opportunity to see if I still had the same feeling of home as I used to. Either I'm going to fall in love with the idea of living in California on my own or my memories are going to prove too painful. Many widows move far away from where they lived with their spouse because it's too painful to be there. I haven't had any of that feeling here in Florida but she reminded me that we hadn't lived here together very long so I didn't have that painful history. I'll be interested to see how I feel back in the state that Taz loved the most. I loved California but he LOVED it.

She also wants me to use my time back there to network. I opened up about how I don't love the accounting/bookkeeping jobs I've fallen into and that my real passion is for history and planning events. She got kind of excited about the possibility of me starting my own event planning business and it's definitely something I've always wanted to do. I love weddings especially small elopement/vow renewal type events and feel that few companies out there focus on these small events. Carmel is the perfect place for an elopement, I even have a company name in mind. Since the whole world of possibilities is open to me, maybe this is the time to explore this path. And, of course, I do have several California subjects I'd like to research. I haven't forgotten that my first love is writing.

2. Virginia - or maybe it's finally time to go back "home" to Virginia where I grew up, Taz and I met, and we spent the first 12 years of our marriage together. I went back there for work last August and really enjoyed being back in the area. However, with my love of history, maybe I wouldn't want to live in Northern Virginia again but possibly this is the time to finally live and work in Colonial Williamsburg. I have always loved that place, I would have loved to have gone to college there but my parents couldn't afford it. If you work for the Colonial Williamsburg Foundation you are immersed in history which would thrill my little history nerd heart and they get less snow than 3 hours north in the DC area. I would have loved to live there with Taz but it's not a big technology center so it wasn't a good fit for him. But now there's only me to consider so maybe it's finally time for that. I definitely want to plan a trip there this year and explore that possibility.

3. Arizona/New Mexico - or maybe I should go somewhere completely different, somewhere where there is no Taz history. I've always loved the Southwest and we had been planning a trip out there to see Monument Valley for Spring 2019. It would be a completely fresh start, trying something new and different in a place that has always fascinated me. The downside is that I don't know anyone out there; there would be no support system so it would be sink or swim but maybe that's just the kick in the pants I need. I don't know, I'm not as enamored of this idea but it still intrigues me. It's definitely somewhere I would like to travel.

And that's really what I would like to do - travel. I'd love to just grab Charlie and travel for a year, not putting down roots, rolling stone, lone wolf. Ultimately I don't think I'm a lone wolf but people have disappointed me so much this past year that right now being alone sounds pretty good.

And here's a secret 4th possibility for my future home - Paris. Now this is just a dream and fantasy but wouldn't that be amazing? Apparently my coach loves Paris too because when I mentioned that I have in-laws and Taz's friends there, she asked why I wasn't planning a trip? Well, we all know why - because I can't afford a plane ticket LOL (the only reason I can go to California is because someone else is buying the ticket for me and I will pay her back...by the time I'm 80) but if I suddenly did have the means to travel to Paris, I would be there like a shot. Taz and I had started to talk about moving to France in a few years. I think we would have eventually ended up back there or at least tried it out on a temporary basis. I wonder if I, as the widow of a French citizen, would have the right to live there? Who knows, I can't even speak French right now so that's something I'd have to master. But I still do have the goal of visiting there even if it probably won't happen this year; it's still fun to dream about.

But practically speaking, I do have diverse possibilities about where I could end up and new paths for my career. I'd love to love what I do again. I'd love to love my life again. I don't love the place I'm in now, not at all. I'm looking forward to a summer of swimming, I'm going to do that as often as possible because the likelihood is that I'll have to say goodbye to my pool one day in order to move on to my new life plus I'm hoping I will be able to feel like me again when I'm spending a day in and out of the pool.

All of this is fun to think about, I haven't felt like dreaming about the future in a really long time. It hasn't felt like I would even have a future but she assures me that things will get better and I will be able to make a new life for myself. And I do want a new life, I always want to honor the life that Taz and I had but not get stuck in it.

She also assures me that I need to continue to grieve in order to work through the stages. And there is a lot to grieve - the life I lived my entire adult life is well and truly gone and that's not something to take lightly. Every day that I go home to my house I am bludgeoned by the fact that there is really nothing of my old life left. I need to make my peace with that before I can move into something new.

And lastly, she picked up on the fact that I need to learn to set boundaries. Yeah, that appears to be a problem for me. Too bad I only have 2 more free sessions, it might take a lifetime for me to stop being a doormat.

next chapter?

So that was me on Saturday night getting ready to head to yet another group meetup thing. I was feeling really good about this one. It wasn't some random group, it was a Facebook group for people with annual passes and I've posted there some, that's even how I met Joe. Many people know my situation and have said nice things in the past.

I walked over to the venue with lots of confidence, I was really rocking my new hat and my hair was behaving. I joined the group out front, I recognized a couple of them, but no one even looked in my direction. Everyone was talking to the person they came with, there were no other single riders hanging about on the fringes, just me. After 15 minutes I just had enough so I walked away and that was the end of that.

The good news is that I didn't cry, I wasn't even that all upset. Maybe new friends are overrated. I think I'm done trying. I know I've said that before; I think I mean it this time.

The rest of the weekend was amazing. A friend was in town with her 4 kids and we spent each day together. One night we all went to Universal for a special, private-ish event. That was such a fun way to see that park, we walked on all the rides, had free food and drink and walked until I was pretty sure my feet were going to fall off. I would do that event again in a heartbeat.

The rest of the weekend included swimming (well, watching the kids swim, too chilly for me), a bbq, shopping, eating out and a movie night - my kind of weekend. It was good to be with friends. I spent so much time away from my house that I felt guilty about leaving Charlie so I made sure she got to come to movie night.

I've been frustrated about being in this limbo period but I think I'm going to use this time to make plans for my next chapter. Maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life. It's not what I want but if that's the way it is then I'm going to be the most badass solitary person you've ever seen and I'm going to start now and just see where the wind takes me.