companionship

Here I am, still at work, even as so many in the country are on virtual lockdown. I realize that I am lucky to still have a job and can continue with it as normal. Others in my organization are not able to do their jobs as it requires contact with the public. 

I have worked hard these past 2 days to get set up to be able to do my job from home if that's required but I desperately do not want to have to stay home because I don't like it there and I feel unwanted and out of place.

It's funny, I was just thinking that if Taz was still alive then I would be begging to be able to stay home. It would have been so cozy, the two of us working away separately in our offices and then coming together for lunch and a little TV time in the middle of the day. I know that's what would have happened because he used to work from home most of the time and that's how he structured his day.

I found a ton of these selfie pictures when I looked at his phone camera. He used to hang out with Charlie at lunch, take pictures and watch ID crime shows on TV and then go back to work in his office.

We used to have a camera thing set up so that I could watch Charlie during the day, which turned out to be pretty boring because all she ever did was sleep when she was alone, and sometimes he would forget to turn it off when he was working from home. Every once in a while I would tune in from my work and watch the two of them eat lunch, Taz sitting on the floor next to the coffee table, watching TV and feeding Charlie little tidbits of whatever he was having.

It made me happy to see the two of them but sad that I couldn't join in as well.

So I know that's what life would be like right now if only...but that's not my reality.

Right now I try to spend as much time away from home as possible because I feel so out of place at my house. Even though it is filled with people, I feel isolated, lonely and alone.

I so miss companionship. I miss having a partner to share the good and the bad with. There are so many things happening right now that I would like to talk over with Taz. He would have had strong opinions, he probably would have been frustrated and scared, but the two of us together could have overcome anything. I know this for a fact because we have been doing it for years now. We always said, even if everything went to hell, we could always start over as long as we were together.

And now, we're not together. Oh yes, everybody keeps saying that he's in my heart. Big fucking deal. It's not the same as having him actually here. It's not that comforting because it's just a fairy tale that I tell myself. I mean, that's the reality, isn't it? It's something that we say to make ourselves feel better but for all practical purposes, it's not true.

Having Taz here wouldn't change the reality of the situation but it would change my perception and that would be everything right now.

And people may say that they're here for me and I can call them anytime, blah, blah, blah, but it's not the same...it never will be the same. Everybody has their own set of problems right now and no one is a substitute for having my own person with me, holding me, letting me cry, letting me comfort them, fixing meals for each other, watching movies together, discussing the news, telling stupid jokes to make each other laugh, enjoying family time which is what we loved most of all.

I've talked about missing sex (I still do) and missing talking (I still do) but what I miss the most is having someone who cares about me more than anything in the world, having that companion. I feel that loss more than any other during this time of uncertainty.

And I actually find that I miss my mother and I worry about how she is dealing with this. I have no contact with her because she can't talk on the phone these days. So last night when I got an email from her nursing home that they were willing to set up garden visits with the residents, I jumped at it. On specific afternoons they will wheel residents out to the garden and their loved ones can set up a 15 minute visit while maintaining a 6 ft. distance. I jumped at that even though the visit occurs during my work day. I immediately emailed and said I wanted to schedule a visit for as soon as possible. The director emailed back last night and said she'd check with my mother for a day that was convenient for her schedule which was pretty funny since all my mother does each day is get up and sit in a chair so I'm pretty sure her schedule will accommodate me. LOL But I'm thrilled to get a chance to see  her and let her see me. If she's watching any news (which she always has before, she loved politics) then I'm sure she's worried about me. I definitely don't want her to feel like she's been abandoned and I don't want her to deteriorate so far during the time that she won't remember me when I'm finally allowed to visit her again. That would be such a tragedy.

It's funny, before this I was trying to keep my visits down to just once a month and right now I'm willing to work extra hours so that I can drive down and have 15 minutes every week. But she's family and I'm a little short of that right now. My closest family, other than her, are 7 hours away by car and they've got their own families to worry about. I think I'm feeling a little abandoned.

When this is all over (and I'm going to continue to think that it will be one day and things will go back to "normal") I'm going to pursue companionship with a vengeance. I don't want to live my life alone. I can never get back what I had but maybe I can get some of it back in a new form. 

Of course, I've been looking for it all along and NOBODY out there is interested but maybe, if I search under every rock, I'll find it again one day. 

I'm pretty lovable, truly I am.