I went to my counseling appointment yesterday and it was good. She's more like a life coach, we didn't explore any hidden feelings or revisit my childhood, we just focused on the things overwhelming me right now and explored strategies.
It was especially nice to be able to talk to someone that just let me cry and get on with what I was saying. Most people don't do that, the crying makes them so uncomfortable that they apologize for making me sad (as if it were something they said) and rush to change the subject and that's not what I need.
And it's not like I sob uncontrollably. I cry a little and then I pull it together and go right on talking.
We talked a lot about what the possibilities for my new life could be. It's nothing new, I'd come to the same conclusion on my own but I now know that the likelihood of me selling the house is high. Not that I want to, I had planned to live in that house for the rest of my life but I had planned to live there with Taz and now that that's not a possibility I have to rethink what I want to do with the rest of my life.
So my homework this week is to think of 2 or 3 places I might want to live which is perfect because I'd already planned to do a blog post about that very thing. The whole world is open to me so I really don't think I'd stay in Orlando if I decided to sell the house. Really, the only thing I actually like about Orlando is my house and pool. Without them, there's no reason to stay.
But where would I go? Here are 3 possibilities:
1. California - The happiest time in my life was the 18 years we spent in California. I loved the area we lived, I loved the jobs I had because I was working in the history field and planning small events. I told the coach that I had a trip planned back there for May to attend an event I used to coordinate. She jumped on that and said it was a good opportunity to see if I still had the same feeling of home as I used to. Either I'm going to fall in love with the idea of living in California on my own or my memories are going to prove too painful. Many widows move far away from where they lived with their spouse because it's too painful to be there. I haven't had any of that feeling here in Florida but she reminded me that we hadn't lived here together very long so I didn't have that painful history. I'll be interested to see how I feel back in the state that Taz loved the most. I loved California but he LOVED it.
She also wants me to use my time back there to network. I opened up about how I don't love the accounting/bookkeeping jobs I've fallen into and that my real passion is for history and planning events. She got kind of excited about the possibility of me starting my own event planning business and it's definitely something I've always wanted to do. I love weddings especially small elopement/vow renewal type events and feel that few companies out there focus on these small events. Carmel is the perfect place for an elopement, I even have a company name in mind. Since the whole world of possibilities is open to me, maybe this is the time to explore this path. And, of course, I do have several California subjects I'd like to research. I haven't forgotten that my first love is writing.
2. Virginia - or maybe it's finally time to go back "home" to Virginia where I grew up, Taz and I met, and we spent the first 12 years of our marriage together. I went back there for work last August and really enjoyed being back in the area. However, with my love of history, maybe I wouldn't want to live in Northern Virginia again but possibly this is the time to finally live and work in Colonial Williamsburg. I have always loved that place, I would have loved to have gone to college there but my parents couldn't afford it. If you work for the Colonial Williamsburg Foundation you are immersed in history which would thrill my little history nerd heart and they get less snow than 3 hours north in the DC area. I would have loved to live there with Taz but it's not a big technology center so it wasn't a good fit for him. But now there's only me to consider so maybe it's finally time for that. I definitely want to plan a trip there this year and explore that possibility.
3. Arizona/New Mexico - or maybe I should go somewhere completely different, somewhere where there is no Taz history. I've always loved the Southwest and we had been planning a trip out there to see Monument Valley for Spring 2019. It would be a completely fresh start, trying something new and different in a place that has always fascinated me. The downside is that I don't know anyone out there; there would be no support system so it would be sink or swim but maybe that's just the kick in the pants I need. I don't know, I'm not as enamored of this idea but it still intrigues me. It's definitely somewhere I would like to travel.
And that's really what I would like to do - travel. I'd love to just grab Charlie and travel for a year, not putting down roots, rolling stone, lone wolf. Ultimately I don't think I'm a lone wolf but people have disappointed me so much this past year that right now being alone sounds pretty good.
And here's a secret 4th possibility for my future home - Paris. Now this is just a dream and fantasy but wouldn't that be amazing? Apparently my coach loves Paris too because when I mentioned that I have in-laws and Taz's friends there, she asked why I wasn't planning a trip? Well, we all know why - because I can't afford a plane ticket LOL (the only reason I can go to California is because someone else is buying the ticket for me and I will pay her back...by the time I'm 80) but if I suddenly did have the means to travel to Paris, I would be there like a shot. Taz and I had started to talk about moving to France in a few years. I think we would have eventually ended up back there or at least tried it out on a temporary basis. I wonder if I, as the widow of a French citizen, would have the right to live there? Who knows, I can't even speak French right now so that's something I'd have to master. But I still do have the goal of visiting there even if it probably won't happen this year; it's still fun to dream about.
But practically speaking, I do have diverse possibilities about where I could end up and new paths for my career. I'd love to love what I do again. I'd love to love my life again. I don't love the place I'm in now, not at all. I'm looking forward to a summer of swimming, I'm going to do that as often as possible because the likelihood is that I'll have to say goodbye to my pool one day in order to move on to my new life plus I'm hoping I will be able to feel like me again when I'm spending a day in and out of the pool.
All of this is fun to think about, I haven't felt like dreaming about the future in a really long time. It hasn't felt like I would even have a future but she assures me that things will get better and I will be able to make a new life for myself. And I do want a new life, I always want to honor the life that Taz and I had but not get stuck in it.
She also assures me that I need to continue to grieve in order to work through the stages. And there is a lot to grieve - the life I lived my entire adult life is well and truly gone and that's not something to take lightly. Every day that I go home to my house I am bludgeoned by the fact that there is really nothing of my old life left. I need to make my peace with that before I can move into something new.
And lastly, she picked up on the fact that I need to learn to set boundaries.
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