sad

I'm just sad today - sad and discouraged and impatient and frustrated.

I should be working, I definitely have things to do and deadlines looming but instead I've been reading over some old blog posts from years past when my life was normal.

This one Revelation made me smile and then miss Taz so much. He could annoy me a LOT from time to time (of course I never annoyed him, I'm sure LOL) but he showed me how much me loved me every day by cooking and doing a thousand sweet things for me. It wasn't a one way street, I think I did a lot for him as well. That's what you do when you love each other, you take care of each other.

No matter what was going on in our lives, I always ALWAYS knew that I mattered to him. I miss that, I miss mattering to someone. I know I keep saying that, I hate being a broken record but it's just the truth. And each time I put myself out there to find something new for myself and it fails, I feel worse.

The whole quarantine/lock down thing doesn't help. I feel trapped in my house, there is nothing to look forward to and right now I don't see how I can continue to live like this.

I need something to change. I want to travel, I want to go do my research but I feel like I'll be risking my living arrangements if I do any of that and I want things to change on MY terms, not anybody else's.

I'm out of answers at the moment.